Where to draw the line

LegacyUser

Where is the point where you draw the line on compromising?

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We've had our ups and downs, but we can't be without each other because we love each other, or so we claim.

I have had multiple issues when it comes to his interest in me. I just let it slide most of the time because, in the long run, I don't see it as a reason to cause an argument. I am a sensitive person and expect a certain level of interest from to be clear by a partner. I don't know whether it's pure obliviousness on his part and having no reason to try, conflicting with the expectation on mine or if relationship instincts should be a given and there is something deeper behind his actions. I have confronted him about similar issues in the past and experienced him lashing out and being defensive about why he acts a certain way. This has discouraged me from wanting to bring up decisions I am unhappy about, because I know I can't mould him into what I want, which is often the complaint he retaliates with and I'm conscious that that may be my expectation

Problem: He takes his time to see me, in that if we arrange to see each other, it's a couple hours later that he wants to meet up. I find this strange as after 3 years, surely you're meant to grow closer to the other person? I would go out of my way and at the drop of a hat for him, but I don't get the reassurance that he'd do the same for me

I am so confused as to what the cause could be to why I'm not feeling as wanted as I would like to feel by him, or if I should bother trying to make him step up to meet my expectations.


All suggestions, comments and similar experiences welcome

LegacyUser

You can't change him and you'd go mad trying, but you can change yourself and you should probably start that process by asking why you're putting up with behaviour which is making you so unhappy and persisting with a relationship in which you can't outline your needs and expect to have them met or at least properly considered.

Personally, the problem you've outlined there seems mild to me and I don't think I'd sweat it, but that's irrelevant, it's making you unhappy and you have to examine why you're tolerating anything that makes you unhappy.

bee06

Being honest, it's really hard to give you advice because you haven't given what your expectations are. Maybe your expectations are really unrealistic or maybe they are "normal" and he's a rubbish boyfriend.

At the end of the day, if you're not happy in your relationship then break up. He's right when he says you can't change him. It's been three years with. I change and I doubt it's going to get better.

LegacyUser

beauty without the beast wrote: »

Where is the point where you draw the line on compromising?

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We've had our ups and downs, but we can't be without each other because we love each other, or so we claim.

I have had multiple issues when it comes to his interest in me. I just let it slide most of the time because, in the long run, I don't see it as a reason to cause an argument. I am a sensitive person and expect a certain level of interest from to be clear by a partner. I don't know whether it's pure obliviousness on his part and having no reason to try, conflicting with the expectation on mine or if relationship instincts should be a given and there is something deeper behind his actions. I have confronted him about similar issues in the past and experienced him lashing out and being defensive about why he acts a certain way. This has discouraged me from wanting to bring up decisions I am unhappy about, because I know I can't mould him into what I want, which is often the complaint he retaliates with and I'm conscious that that may be my expectation

Problem: He takes his time to see me, in that if we arrange to see each other, it's a couple hours later that he wants to meet up. I find this strange as after 3 years, surely you're meant to grow closer to the other person? I would go out of my way and at the drop of a hat for him, but I don't get the reassurance that he'd do the same for me

I am so confused as to what the cause could be to why I'm not feeling as wanted as I would like to feel by him, or if I should bother trying to make him step up to meet my expectations.


All suggestions, comments and similar experiences welcome

I saw a couple of things in your post that caught my eye Beauty. You say WE love each other or so WE claim, not he says he loves me or so he claims. That's a little unusual. Do you love him? Do you just claim to? Do you even know?

Secondly, a certain level of interest could be anything. A certain level of interest for one person could be the other person suggesting to meet up some of the time, to another person, it could be texting them every single morning asking how they slept, and if the other person doesn't just once, then it's a sign of disinterest. Like the other poster said, I think you need to give what exactly your expectations are and what the reality is in the relationship for people to be able to give good advice.

LegacyUser

I expect a partner to want to be supportive in whatever way they can be, trustful, loyal and makes an effort to keep the excitement in the relationship.

I used to love him Cindy, until I stopped receiving mutual effort. His lack of showing me appreciation is rubbing off on me as they are giving me the signals that he no longer cares enough to want to share new experiences with me. I react off a person's behaviour towards me, and his isn't encouraging me to want to continue a relationship

I want to keep the relationship because I think this is a problem that can be solved, I just need to be shown ways to do this...

Magicmatilda

I'm a bit confused as to the actual issue. can you give some examples?

Like is it a case that you mighth text him at 6 and say "let's meet?" and he would say "OK meet at 9pm" whereas you want him to say "I'm on my way".

It is just hard to get a clear picture of what the issue is. I get the feeling from your posts that you have very high expectations but I'm not sure why I get that sense (maybe it is the use of I want, I expect, I need...). Perhaps you don't but without any examples it is hard to tell really.

LegacyUser

During the whole of my childhood, I had a friend who I saw constantly, if not physically, we were in contact by phone every minute of the day. Then I had an accident which saw our friendship grow apart and we eventually stopped talking.

I probably have high expectations from that point of view where I expect his instant reply.
It's a case of if we make spontaneous plans or plans that involve effort on his part, he'll say I'll see you in a few hours. Part of me thinks it's on purpose, because I want everything instantly and he knows that

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I was in the exact same situation with my bf of 5 years. At the start everything was great and then there was a slow decline and at the end it was like he just couldn't be arsed. He loved me and still does, but he just stopped caring about pretty much everything. I couldn't hold his hand any longer so I made the decision to end it 3 months ago. It has been very difficult I wont lie but the further time has gone on, the more I can see that I don't think I would want to get back with him anyway.

He was always late, never rang or text me towards the end, and I had put up with enough at that stage. In my opinion, if the feeling is mutual, the effort will be equal. It's really that simple. Personally I didn't like being in a relationship with someone who made me feel alone.

I do agree with above poster that there isn't a whole lot of info about what exactly is bothering you. But just from one or two posts, it reminds me so much of my relationship.

Colonel_McCoy

If you used to love him, why are you with him?

njs030

Op your post is quite confusing and doesn't really say what the issues are.
Would you be able to explain a bit more and people would be better able to help you?

Penny Tration

Op, without examples, you're sounding like a diva to be honest because it's all about what you want.

He could be a total git, but we can't tell you that without knowing what he is or isn't doing to upset you.

Ursus Horribilis

Got to agree. You're so vague it's very hard to know what is going on here. I don't necessarily think you're high maintenance or a diva but unless you can give us more to go on we're stabbing in the dark.

LegacyUser

I felt i needed to post here as I felt as if i was reading word for word something i could have written when i was younger. i think the use of language like magicmatilda mentioned. im sensitive, i want, i need, i expect, id go out of my way at the drop of a hat and expect the same, mold him into what i want, my expectations, my needs, my needs, my needs. it took me a long time to realise it and be able to admit it to myself but i was once the high priestess of neediness. it caused the end of my first relationship when he just couldnt cope with it anymore, although i can see now how hard he tried, and he ended it. my second relationship was the opposite, i said jump, and he asked how high, if he didnt ask quick enough, id turn on the guilt of how my first boyfriend did the same, not meeting my needs, or resort to whatever else i had to to have him meet my every whim and need. ultimately i didnt love him and couldnt respect him and ended it. the rest of my twenties i moved in and out of relationships that mirrored the first two, guys that i either drove away, or guys that i could manipulate into meeting the extreme expectations i had. or else guys that i never gave a chance because they wouldnt meet each and all of my needs, regardless of how excessive and demanding. of course they never seemed exessive and demanding to me at the time. it wasnt until i was into my thirties that i finally matured and was able to hold a mirror up to myself and see that my expectations were unhealthy and unrealistic and that my neediness was my problem to deal with, not every next guys to satiate, usually at the expense of thier needs and thier happiness. you dont say how old you are, and maybe im reading too much into what you have said due to my own past, but if any of this rings true to you please dont leave it as long as i did to force yourself to self reflect and be brutally honest with yourself. i wasted a lot of good years, ruined what could be a lot of wonderful relationships, and hurt a lot of people, including myself along the way.

Penny Tration

Beauty without the beast wrote: »

During the whole of my childhood, I had a friend who I saw constantly, if not physically, we were in contact by phone every minute of the day. Then I had an accident which saw our friendship grow apart and we eventually stopped talking.

I probably have high expectations from that point of view where I expect his instant reply.
It's a case of if we make spontaneous plans or plans that involve effort on his part, he'll say I'll see you in a few hours. Part of me thinks it's on purpose, because I want everything instantly and he knows that

Hmm.

I'm sorry to say it, but that sounds stifling and horribly demanding.

For your relationship to work, you need to learnt that you are A priority, not THE priority.

If he doesn't reply instantly - he's busy. It happens.

If he takes a few hours to be ready to meet - he's busy. No big deal.

Honestly op, I'm a woman and I'd hate my boyfriend to act like that, and he'd dump me in a heartbeat if I demanded that much from him.

If I text to see if he wants to meet, it's usually the next day we meet because he's made plans for the day, whether that's work, friends, family or having a lazy day. If he doesn't text back for an hour or two, I assume he's busy.

His life shouldn't revolve around you.

I'm sorry because I'm sure you won't like this, but your expectations are entirely unreasonable and if you no longer love your boyfriend because he won't pander to them, leave him.

I think you should work on yourself and the reasons why you are so demanding, needy and clingy before you enter any relationship.

Sorry

Ave Sodalis

So you think he's purposely putting you off for hours because he knows that you want him to drop everything and go to you? I'm sorry OP, not to sound harsh but it sounds like your boyfriend is living in the real world where plans take a while to come into effect due to having a life, and you're just not. Nobody should be expected to drop everything for a spontaneous plan unless it's an emergency. It's highly immature, unreasonable and unrealistic to expect it. Since this is the only example you've given, I can only assume the rest of the problems are similar in which case the problem is definitely not him. You ask where to draw the line regarding compromising but I think it's a question your boyfriend should be asking himself. From the sounds of it (and I could be entirely wrong), the relationship sounds very much about you, your wants and your needs with little regard for your boyfriend.

I think you need to take ten steps back OP and have a look at what's going on. It's completely unfair to expect him to drop all and go just because you ask and ridiculous to think that he's waiting a few hours just to spite you. It seems very clingy and needy behaviour which doesn't work in a relationship. You need to address this or get help in doing so. There are people trained to help overcome such insecurities.