I cannot handle my 21 Year Old!

January

partyguinness wrote: »

Is there anything to be said for a damn good trashing?

I hope you're not advocating violence?

dixiefly

I think a significant part of the problem here is the relationship between the OP and his wife. The OP and the wife really should be singing from the same hymmsheet here. The son can see the chinks in the armour and is able to exploit that.

The behaviour in the shop is unacceptable but it is very difficult for the OP to deal with it if he is getting the silent treatment from the missus on the issue.

I am no shining example as a parent but myself and the missus generally have agreed on issues with the kids (now aged 23, 18 and 15) over the years. Even if we didnt agree we generally put up a united front.

As someone said earlier speak to her and get her opinion. Try and agree a joint strategy and approach and dont be afraid to use some of the scomments here to explain your own position. Then ty and implement the agreed approach which should be some sort of compromise between the two positions.

dixiefly

partyguinness wrote: »

Obviously he needs a good kick up the ass but getting that result is not easy.

The free B&B has to stop and you do need your wife on side- it sounds like she may baby him. Boys react better to their mothers.

I employ a lady in her mid-50's- she has serious medical issues and really should not be working at all but she needs the money. What pisses us off is that her son (28) lives at home with her, does nothing, pays nothing and has 2 children that he is estranged from. Also he has a very very well paid job.

I have said it her straight that he is pulling the piss and her response is:-

'Oh he is my baby and my eldest- I can't kick him out or ask him for money. He's my baby etc etc.'

He is effing well 28 and has 2 kids....interestingly she has no time of her daughters and blatantly states that boys are more important.

Of course we have kept this lady on out of sympathy- she can't do the job anymore and we have reduced her hours. It is absolutely maddening...:mad:

Sorry if I have missed this but are there other siblings?

That's awful. I struggle to see how he can hold down such a top paying job if that is his general attitude. What does he work at?

Or has she molly coddled his so much over the years that he is aloof and does not realise the effect that it is having on her?

partyguinness

dixiefly wrote: »

That's awful. I struggle to see how he can hold down such a top paying job if that is his general attitude. What does he work at?

Or has she molly coddled his so much over the years that he is aloof and does not realise the effect that it is having on her?

He works with a construction company and earns €35k pa.

The mother doesn't seem to mind at all and is always proud as punch when he spends xx amount on new bicycles (or whatever new short lived hobby he has taken up), new alloys, trips away with the lad but yet he never has any money for her.

Oh yeah....just remembered. When he knocked up the 2nd women, he kept it quiet until the mother of the child arrived to the door and told his family. Also sent on email pics of the child. The mother (our heroine) refused to believe that her precious would do such a thing and paid for DNA testing (not the son- she paid) which showed that he was the daddy.

I have often felt like catching her to give her a good shaking...what can you do and ultimately it is none of our business...:mad:

It goes back to my original thought- boys react better from the mother.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Just to give an update on where we are now.

As I said in the first post..I fired my own son from my business. His mother was paying him for times when he didn't even come to work so I stopped that. Tough love and all that ..he disappeared for 3 weeks without much contact. I had serious grief from herself but I was determined to see it through..I think he stayed with his girlfriend.

Anyway, He applied for and got a job in a local call centre type of place. He now gets up every morning to get into work for 8.30am!!

He is saving to upgrade his car and has genuinely pulled his head out of his you know what.

He calls in twice a week and is fairly polite etc. We talk etc but we do not discuss the day I had to let him go. There are no hard feelings and we get on grand.

I am so relieved and happy. I just wanted him to be doing something..He is now working his butt off and has goals..

I couldn't be happier..

I would like to thank everyone here for their help and support..It wasn't easy but I did appreciate the input.

Thanks..

cbyrd

That's great news! Working with/for family can be a nightmare. It's good to know that you saved yourselves years of heartache by standing firm!
Thank for updating .

Jen44

great to hear! Sometimes the best thing you can do is just give them some independence you will find they work harder at something when it was all their own idea!

onasis

Well done to you. Tough love is true love.

LegacyUser

backbarrell wrote: »

Hi All,

Just to give an update on where we are now.

As I said in the first post..I fired my own son from my business. His mother was paying him for times when he didn't even come to work so I stopped that. Tough love and all that ..he disappeared for 3 weeks without much contact. I had serious grief from herself but I was determined to see it through..I think he stayed with his girlfriend.

Anyway, He applied for and got a job in a local call centre type of place. He now gets up every morning to get into work for 8.30am!!

He is saving to upgrade his car and has genuinely pulled his head out of his you know what.

He calls in twice a week and is fairly polite etc. We talk etc but we do not discuss the day I had to let him go. There are no hard feelings and we get on grand.

I am so relieved and happy. I just wanted him to be doing something..He is now working his butt off and has goals..

I couldn't be happier..

I would like to thank everyone here for their help and support..It wasn't easy but I did appreciate the input.

Thanks..

Great stuff, Ive just read this thread and it reminds me so much of a mate of mine, went to private school, repeated his leaving twice, went to college, dropped out 3 times in the first year all 3 times, family run their own business, mate worked there for a while but eventually was let go due to the same issues you had with your son.

This lad is 32 and still lives at home with his parents, and has a part-time meaningless job, whilst his parents and siblings slave away at the family business. All my mates have tried to help the lad , offering apprenticeships or positions in their workplace and he let us all down. He has this false sense of entitlement that the world owes him something and he doesnt need to work hard to get it, we all think it stems from the fact that his parents basically mollycoddled him and if they had of turfed him out when he was in his early 20's to the big bad world he would have turned his life around...but they didnt.

One last point I would make is, it would be no harm to maybe have a private chat with your son, man to man, and just let him know that you are proud of him for turning his life around, You dont need to explain yourself but now he's in active employment he might understand why you had to act the way you did. Im not talking about lecturing him but just a bit of positive reinforcement.

run_Forrest_run

backbarrell wrote: »

Hi All,

Just to give an update on where we are now.

As I said in the first post..I fired my own son from my business.

didn't he quit? Don't put undue guilt on yourself. Well done on standing firm BTW, he will thank you more than anyone else...some day.

5rtytry56

You had to "cruel to be kind" OP. Well Done.

LegacyUser

That's great news op, hopefully he'll kick on now and make things work long
term

For all the people who were saying ''change the locks to the the doors''etc. Do you know how detrimental that could be to the mental health of an obviously immature 21 year old? In some cases it may work, but in a lot of other cases, it won't and could lead him down a bleak path. Playing a risky game with your sons life is not something anyone should be advocating. Of course, there has to be some tough love in these types of situations but it doesn't have to be as extreme as some posters have proposed

Speaking from experience, I messed up myself when it came to my college years. Dropped out of two courses and put my folks through hell. Went on the piss regularly and was generally a lazy bugger. I did manage to hold down a 12hr week part time job and always helped with the household chores. If I didn't, I'd get a bollocking. I eventually managed to get into a career job despite the lack of any 3rd level education and slowly climbed the ladder. Third level education isn't for everyone but working has to be

In my opinion,you were probably being too easy on him in his late teens and that dragged through into his early 20's. But what's done is done and you've acted admirably in getting him back on the right path using the right amount of tough love, so fair play

Oh and one other thing, when I eventually got into a full time job, I'll always remember my folks pulling me aside and telling me they were proud of me for getting myself out of the sh1tter. I'll never ever forget that. If he keeps up the job I'd recommend you do something similar. It really spurred me on

nikkibikki

anon123x1 wrote:

Oh and one other thing, when I eventually got into a full time job, I'll always remember my folks pulling me aside and telling me they were proud of me for getting myself out of the sh1tter. I'll never ever forget that. If he keeps up the job I'd recommend you do something similar. It really spurred me on

Yep was going to suggest that. Make sure you tell him how proud you are of him OP. It'll make a massive difference.

Elemonator

I do work part time gigging as I'm a college student (currently studying Law with Economics) and I don't think I've heard such a bad case personally. 7 hours late for a gig? At that stage it would be 5am and I'd never get called again. I don't think you need to go to music college to do a course in it, its just a fast track really. I did struggle with deciding a college course and I did nearly drop out but I'm glad I stuck it out now.

I think you need to have a hard talk with him. College shouldn't be the top of the agenda, he can go back as a mature student. The thing that needs tackling here is his attitude, that's probably the root of all his problems. But the idea to him that he should get studying straight away and work on the side and pay a small rent. If he doesn't want to, double that rent and he works full time or finds a place of his own. I know it sounds difficult kicking your own son out of your home, but you cannot provide for him forever and sooner or later reality must take over. If his attitude doesn't change now, he will fall into a perpetual circle of living on the dole and worse. A friend of mine was in the position of your son and his parents had to come down hard. He's studying Science now and couldn't be doing better.