My life is a train wreck

LegacyUser

It's funny, I was just thinking the other day about how 10 years ago I wanted so much for myself, independence, people who loved me all around me, a safe place where I could feel wanted and a job I got well paid for. If I could go back and tell myself that this is how my life would be I'd make sure I did things differently by any means necessary no matter what it took. And then there's those people who say everything turns out the way it's meant to. I was one of those people, but if this is how my life is supposed to be then jesus what's the point? I'm stuck in a relationship that is just abysmal in every meaning of the word. I don't know if either of us loves the other one anymore, but for whatever reason we're both still here. Rowing almost every day because I made some very bad decisions at the beginning of this year following the death of the only person I could trust. I fully admit that I took his trust and I made a sh!te of it, and not for the first time, but I made so many promises that I would change and things would be better and I would make him trust me again but for the life of me I can't be bothered.

I have no family left. I have no friends I could reasonably ask for help and expect them to come to my aid. I'm somewhat of a hermit. I cared for people and either pushed them away or they just left me. People who claimed they'd always be there after the death of that person have obviously stopped calling and only text when they want something from a more tech-savvy person. I have no job, and no savings. I live week to week and try my best not to go hungry while keeping the roof over my head and the lights on. So even if leaving here was an option, how could I support myself? Thank christ there's no kids involved. I'm sure if there were I'd be an alcoholic just to cope.

When ever we have a row I ask myself, "Am I to blame this time? No, surely he did this which provoked X response from me which is why I Y'd and now we're at Z." but somehow he twists it, or maybe I am responsible. Sure all I said was 'yes, I did' when I should have said 'not yet, I will now in a minute.' But now there's a massive snowball hurtling down a mountain about to crush everything in it's path because I told a white lie?

Apparently I hold on to the past, he said to me "You're not exactly a super model, I could go out and replace you like that." /fingersnap. And now when we have a row I'm self destructive and I have no sense of self worth, only hell bent on bringing him down with me. And if he were to leave what would I have? Nothing and no one. Is it any wonder I have no self worth when he's spewing sentences like that at me? So no holding on to the past, I tell myself every time I've done something wrong and I need to apologise. It's fine, all I need to do is just fix it. But how? How do I start to atone for my past sins? He doesn't have to because my sins are worse. I utterly understand why he doesn't trust me anymore and I'm trying to prove myself every day by making the right choices.

See, I wanted someone else while I had a slim chance of getting out of something that was unhealthy for a long time and then when I had reality slapped back into me I'd seen what a god-awful mistake I was after making, and now I'm paying for it with daily reminders and emotional damage the strongest of therapists would wince at. I'm not even sure any of this is making sense yet. If you got this far kudos, no seriously because even as I type it, it just seems like it's less about making sense in order to seek some sort of counsel from an outsider. Basically what I'm asking is after the trust is broken so hard and so fast, will it ever be mended? Am I p!ssing against the wind? What can I do to fix this? How do I tell if it's still worth it? If he leaves like he's threatening to, what do I do then? How do I survive?

ash23

Throwawayacc123 wrote: »

It's funny, I was just thinking the other day about how 10 years ago I wanted so much for myself, independence, people who loved me all around me, a safe place where I could feel wanted and a job I got well paid for. If I could go back and tell myself that this is how my life would be I'd make sure I did things differently by any means necessary no matter what it took.

There's your answer.
Think of ten years from now when you've changed nothing and are probably married and have kids with this man. In the same place but ten years older and with more ties to bind you. What would you tell yourself to do now?
Move out? End the relationship? Find a room share so you can afford to live? Make a concentrated effort to make new friends through work or the house share or online like meetup.com?
Perhaps you'd tell yourself to look into counselling for your grief and your self esteem.
Maybe you'd say look for a new job or retrain.


All those things you'd tell yourself to do ten years ago are still possible to do now.

Shrap

OP, your story is heartbreaking and it reads like the very definition of someone who has lost so much of themselves in an abusive relationship.

Either let him leave, or leave him. There is no other way forward for you. Please find the strength from somewhere and you will be able to support yourself if you make an approach to the social welfare.

You might not believe it now, but if you do leave you will find yourself again - it may take years to recover fully, but that person with dreams and ambitions is still in there somewhere hon. Go find her again.

The Princess Bride

Writing all that out can't have been easy OP.
But if you read over it again and again you'll see just how difficult this is for you.

I'd recommend counselling to you.I was once in an unhappy relationship and just found it very difficult to walk away.
Going to counselling helped me see my true worth, and gave me the confidence to believe in me and find the strength to do what I absolutely needed to do.
I've subsequently had friends say that had they been in my shoes, they don't know whether they'd have been as brave as me.
My only regret is not having sought professional help earlier .

While you not working or having savings is a huge influence on your decision to leave, the one thing which you need more than anything is confidence and belief in yourself that you can do this.
Is seeking employment an option? Is there anything you can sell to give you cash to help you on your way?
You took a huge step by posting this - you let that vulnerable part of you be exposed.

You can do this, please believe this.The past you cannot change but your future is yours to do as you wish.
Best of luck.