Is this weird?

Flutterfly235

I don't even know how to start this I feel a little silly to be honest. So I guess I will start with a little bit of history. I've been with my partner since we were 16 were now 29 we have two children 7 and 5. We both work so it's very busy Monday to Friday and and the weekends we have less stress and this is when we spend time together and enjoy each others company.
So here's the problem (if it's even a problem). He can be a little flirty after a few drinks I don't actually think this is intentional and honestly I know he does this with everyone so it's not really an issue. Last Saturday night we were out with both his friends and my friends. One of my friends let's call her Mary is single. Her and my partner talk a lot while out but I never thought anything of it. The other night we were sitting together and she leaned to get something she put her hand on my partners leg and when she did this he moved his hand up to meet hers. He put his hand on top of hers and kind of stroked her fingers with his thumb? It seemed a little too affectionate to me. There was very little alcohol involved at this point and there is no way he would have thought it was my hand.
I mean is this strange? I haven't said anything to anyone about it because I feel a little silly but it's bothering me.

ManOfMystery

It could be harmless, but generally speaking - it would bother me too. When you're in a relationship, there is a certain etiquette and stroking some other female's hand doesn't really conform to that.

How did 'Mary' react?

Nabber

Was he looking at her hand? He may have been in a conversation and thought it was your hand. He was out with a group of friends and his long time partner. He may have subconsciously assumed that the only hand that would be on his leg was yours.

If not, then it's not weird but disrespectful to you. How long did it last and what was your friends reaction?

Flutterfly235

Thank you for replies i appreciate the outside help. It only lasted seconds. He wasn't looking at her hand it seemed instinctual but he knew it wasn't mine I had been boxed in almost behind him for a long time. He was in conversation at the time. Mary did not react but then again she probably had a few more drinks than us. I don't even know if I should speak to him about this. I feel stupid enough without him calling me jelous or saying it's a non issue.

LegacyUser

It could easyily have been an automatic reaction. Even though a part of his brain knew you were behind him another part just went with the automatic reaction - o hand on leg must be my oh - I've done some embarrassing things like that when out drinking with a larger crowd, your enjoying the moment and a simple action like a hand on a leg happans and you just react on instinct. I was at a birthday drinks with a large group when I felt a hand on my upper back/shoulder and assumed it was my OH half and without looking I just put my hand around and stroked the back of his neck only to find my OH looking at my across the table. It was some stranger trying to push past me to the bar!

Ave Sodalis

Is this something you would do yourself? Is it possible he reacted instinctively? How did it end? Did she pull her hand away or did he stop? Did he turn around at all?

I would explain to him that a line had been crossed and it wasn't something you were comfortable with. Then I would find the friend and tell her the same thing, only firmer as she definitely knew what she was doing. It doesn't need to be confrontational though.

Edit: you seem to have changed your post. If it was instinctual, I would just mention that it happened but it wasn't your hand, and he just need to be more careful and do nothing more. It's completely possible not to connect that it wasn't your hand, especially when you're not expecting anyone else to put their hand on your leg. I would focus more on the friend though. What was she doing? Was she trying to be flirty with him or was she using his leg for support during a drunken wobble?

CaraMay

Why would he call you jealous? He was clearly caressing her hand which is out of order. I wouldn't stand for him flirting with others - it's very disrespectful. Tell him to cop the f on.

Flutterfly235

I know he didn't think it was mine I'm sure of that anyway. I'm not too sure how it ended as I looked away and when I looked back it had stopped. I'm questioning all sorts of things and jelousy seems to be his go to card when I feel uncomfortable with something like this. I'm really unsure as how to approach the subject. He knows I'm upset about something and has asked. I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it. I guess I wanted to gather my thoughts beforehand. Thank you all for the replies

CaraMay

You are in a hard spot op. I would tell him out straight what was upsetting me and that if you are jealous it's because he is a flirt which you don't like. Time to take back control here op. He's the one in the wrong.

Flutterfly235

Sorry I didn't mean to change the post. My issue is that it was instinctual towards her hand not mine. He didn't even look at her he kept going with the conversation he was in. But I was also in the same conversation and at the opposite side almost behind him if I had reached over that far to touch his leg I would have fallen off my stool. This is why it's so strange to me. Sorry for confusion

CaraMay

Oh I though he was talking to her while doing it. Hmmmm tell him out straight you are annoyed because he was caressing her hand. Telling you that you are jealous is a smoke screen which allows him continue flirting.

Are they friends too?

Ave Sodalis

If it was me, I'd be making a bigger deal over the friend's motives. There are many people, myself included, who are awful at connecting two and two. If I wasn't looking and was distracted by something else, I would have just automatically assumed it was my boyfriend because who else would it be? Even if he was standing in front of me. If I thought about it, of course it wouldn't make sense but the very first instinct would be that it was him and there was nothing to worry about. I do it all the time with various things, not all obvious. For example, I left my aunt standing outside our locked house one time because it sounded like the dog trying to open the door (our dog can open doors but it clatter with his nails) despite the fact the dog was lying beside me. It was only when the dog got up to check who it was that I copped.

OneOfThem

I almost took the hand of a girl I didn't know that was walking beside me this morning on the way to work.

I little while ago I sort of blew half a kiss at a client and made a *mwah* noise as we were parting.

I could really easily absent mindedly squeeze or stroke someone's hand if they happened to put it on my leg, in the way I would my gf's, tbh, just out of instinct, probably wouldn't even realise I was doing it, may well have done it at some point already for all I know. Wouldn't mean a thing.

No harm in seeking a little reassurance from him though. As long as you're not being accusatory or anything. I'd just mention it in a passing jokey kind of way and see what he says.

Flutterfly235

Ya they are friends too but not in a big way they would only speak when they meet at the pub. She seemed to be using his leg for leverage to lean down and pick something up. But we are a group of couples and she does tend to focus on the boys she's the only single one so I guess she likes the attention. Something tells me if I say it I'll either be told I'm jelous or I'm seeing things.

Ave Sodalis

Flutterfly235 wrote:

Ya they are friends too but not in a big way they would only speak when they meet at the pub. She seemed to be using his leg for leverage to lean down and pick something up. But we are a group of couples and she does tend to focus on the boys she's the only single one so I guess she likes the attention. Something tells me if I say it I'll either be told I'm jelous or I'm seeing things.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it personally. I would let the boyfriend know it was spotted but as OneOfThem said, in a jokey, nonconfrontational way because from what's wrote here, I don't think it was on purpose. If it was me, I would appreciate being told because I wouldn't have realised, and would have preferred being told in a calm manner than my boyfriend being upset and not telling me.
In terms of the friend, I don't think you've anything to say when she was using his leg to balance herself. I may or may not have had intent behind it but even if it did, she could quite easily say it didn't.
My advice would be to let the boyfriend know what happened and that he may wanna be more attentive (although in a jokey way would probably be better as you can gauge his reaction too), and keep an eye on the friend. However, if she's flirty with every male friend, I don't think you specifically have much to worry about.

CaraMay

Did he see it was her or not?

Ave Sodalis

CaraMay wrote: »

Did he see it was her or not?

I don't think he did:

Flutterfly235 wrote: »

He didn't even look at her

CaraMay

Ok well then there is no case your honour

Magicmatilda

I think you need to say it to him. Also while I wouldn't be overly confrontational I wouldn't be jokey and pretend it didn't really matter either.

Simply state the facts of what you saw and that it upset you a little to see him do such an intimate gesture to someone else.

What concerns me is that you indicate his rush to blame you for being jealous or whatever.

If I saw what you saw I would be a bit upset. It is OK to be upset by your partner and the father of your kids stroke another womans hand in a gentle manner. Now if he thought is was your hand grand. But it always worried me when someone blames the other person in situations like these. If I upset my partner I would want to make them feel better. i would want to put them at ease. Not blame them and make them feel worse.

Would you consider yourself jealous? In what ways?

pooch90

Trying to mention it in a jokey way won't fly when he knows you're upset. I'd say that it may seem like a small thing but it upset you regardless and that he would feel uncomfortable if the roles were reversed. I know my hubby wouldn't be impressed.

LegacyUser

Sorry now but if roles were reversed and you were stroking a man's hand,how would he react?
Calling you jealous is him just trying to reflect his unusual behaviour onto you because as you said, there's no way he thought it was your hand.
If it was a mistake and he did it out of instinct he would just tell you rather than accusing you of being jealous

Jan Laco

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't put it down to a mistake. I wouldn't be surprised, from the calm reactions they may have held eachothers hand before.

You said it lasted longer than normal. Whatever about your bf; Mary knew it was her own hand and your bf's leg. And you said your bf knew it wasn't your hand on his leg.

And calling you jealous is a bit defensive IMO.

Colser

I can fully understand why you feel the way you do OP,has anything else ever happened between them that youve noticed prior to this?

I wouldnt say anything at the moment as you know it will be twisted back on you and that wont help the way you feel. He will say you imagined it (probably) or that youre jealous so bite your lip for awhile would be my advice.

Flutterfly235

Thank you for all your replies. You all are great to help others with advice and it's really nice to know that if I need to I can talk☺
I think I'm going to say it in a non confrontational way as opposed to in a joking manner as he knows something is up.
I'm also going to mention the flirting as I think he would have an issue if I was to do it.
Here's hoping we can communicate properly and there is no depth to the gesture ☺

king_of_inismac

I don't think either his or her actions are acceptable. Even if they are innocent, it's still disrespectful to you.

I'm all for personal freedom in relationships, but you have to respect your partner also and have clear boundaries.

OneOfThem

'Jokey' may have been a bad choice of word. What I mean is, light, "so there's this thing I noticed, no big deal but..." that kind of thing, well like I said, non-accusatory. Giving benefit of doubt and reserving judgement kind of thing.
I mean it could be absolutely nothing, woman's hand on leg, he usually responds by putting his hand on it, it's usually yours, it can almost be reflexive muscle memory. The presumption of innocence, ye know?

K_P

Sounds like you're planning on approaching it in a very constructive way by raising it calmly rather than doing so in anger or in a passive-aggressive "only joking" kind of way. It's not a huge thing but it bothers you and as others have said, it shows a lack of boundaries that I'd be questioning if I were in your position.

Looking at it objectively, as there was very little alcohol involved and as it was done so unthinkingly and so instinctively and in front of you, I'd actually suspect that it's entirely innocent. But maybe this is part of a wider issue if his flirtiness bothers you and it's certainly worth discussing.

One other point worth bearing in mind is, hard as it may be, don't be shamed into sweeping this under the carpet if your OH accuses you of being jealous or saying it's a non-issue. It's an issue for you and as such he should be willing to talk about it.

Colser

I think theres something very intimate about putting your hand on someones thigh tbh and even that would have registered with me but add to that him rubbing her hand and its definitely something that would have more than annoyed me.

Even if I saw that happening between someone elses OH and another woman Id definitely find it odd and would be wondering if it was a bit more than just reaching down to pick something off the ground.

Maybe Id be over reacting but thats how I would feel and I dont think you would have posted OP if it thought that your reaction isnt warranted. I still cant see him giving you a satisfactory answer though and you will have shown your hand so to speak. Its a difficult one.

The Princess Bride

Jan Laco wrote: »

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't put it down to a mistake. I wouldn't be surprised, from the calm reactions they may have held each other's hand before.

You said it lasted longer than normal. Whatever about your bf; Mary knew it was her own hand and your bf's leg. And you said your bf knew it wasn't your hand on his leg.

And calling you jealous is a bit defensive IMO.

I sometimes feel people can overreact when they see something, but I agree with Jan Laco.This seems too natural to not have happened before.

Colser wrote: »

I think theres something very intimate about putting your hand on someones thigh tbh and even that would have registered with me but add to that him rubbing her hand and its definitely something that would have more than annoyed me.

Even if I saw that happening between someone elses OH and another woman I'd definitely find it odd and would be wondering if it was a bit more than just reaching down to pick something off the ground.

Maybe I'd be over reacting but that's how I would feel and I dont think you would have posted OP if it thought that your reaction isn't warranted.

Colser is right. I have male friends and I wouldn't touch their legs in such an intimate way, and if I accidentally did so, if they reacted by caressing -that's what it sounds like, no?- my hand, my immediate reaction would be to pull my hand away.

Flutterfly235

I completely agree I don't think you should do something with a female friend that you wouldn't do to a male friend and the lack of reaction is what frightened me I think.
I feel I need to show my hand now as he knows I'm upset.
I don't have much of a choice at this point.
He's not a very affectionate person and if I had put my hand on his leg I would be surprised if he did that to be honest so this is completely foreign to me.

njs030

Op you said you were almost behind him, do you think they could have thought you wouldn't see?

If it's not how he acts towards you I'd be concerned, especially when his reaction is to turn it around on you by calling you jealous. Why would he rub her hand if he wouldn't do it to you!!

Flutterfly235

Thanks for the response notjustsweet. I agree it's very possible they thought I wouldn't see. It's very confusing when he isn't very affectionate towards me to be towards someone else.
This is where my mind starts to wonder from a simple gesture to all out betrayal.
It could be something very simple or it could also mean the end of a very long relationship.
Very scared about what will happen next but one way or another I have to face it

Eeden

Your heart must be sinking. You won't feel better until you bring it up with him, I'm afraid, and then maybe you can figure it all out one way or the other.

Best of luck.

njs030

Flutterfly235 wrote: »

Thanks for the response notjustsweet. I agree it's very possible they thought I wouldn't see. It's very confusing when he isn't very affectionate towards me to be towards someone else.
This is where my mind starts to wonder from a simple gesture to all out betrayal.
It could be something very simple or it could also mean the end of a very long relationship.
Very scared about what will happen next but one way or another I have to face it

Do you think you could hold on and see what happens? Just keep your eyes a bit more open for a while perhaps?
It probably seems a bit devious but if there is something going on he probably won't admit it and will be a lot more careful to make sure you don't see anything else.
A bit of time and more attention on them both might make things clearer for you.

I'm sorry you're I'm such a hard place, I hope you find out it's all just a misunderstanding whatever way you choose to deal with it.

king_of_inismac

I said before its unacceptable, but I wouldn't conclude he is being unfaithful.

Have a clear and frank discussion about it with him. Ask him to explain it and then judge. Don't be fobbed off.

If it was an innocent mistake (most likely), simply ask him to respect your relationship and keep boundaries in place.

Make your feelings and concerns clear, but also don't worry yourself too much by jumping to conclusions.

Alf Veedersane

Magicmatilda wrote: »

What concerns me is that you indicate his rush to blame you for being jealous or whatever.

This is the one thing I wondered about too....have there been previous occasions where there's been an incident that he's ended up accusing you of being jealous?

If not and it's just how you assume he'll react, I'd be inclined to think it was nothing...an unthinking act.

No harm bringing it up without needing to make a big issue of it though