Back with Ex- Move in together again or take things slow?

Andrew Laeddis

Hi guys

Long story short, got back with my ex at the end of September after a 6 month break up.

Previously we were together for 3 years and lived together in our apartment for 2 and a half. Break up was mutual, no 3rd party involvement, just a series of arguments.

Anyways, I'm back in my folks, and she in hers.

Since we got back together, she's basically moved into my parents with us which I'm delighted about.

However, living with my parents is annoying me greatly even though they're great craic and get on with her like she's their daughter.

I wanna get my own place but she's happy here and thinks we should save and go travelling next summer instead of getting bogged down in a 12 month lease with dead rent rent money.

What do you think?

It's more of a male pride thing as I'm 29 and don't want to be living at home

Thanks

batmanrobin

I'd take things slow, OP.

Getting back together after a breakup tends to be full of "I love you so much", "I missed you so much", "let's never be apart again". Everything is more heightened.

You were arguing bad enough to break up. Give it a few months for things to settle back to normal and then see how things feel.

LegacyUser

Well, the end of September is only a month ago, she's living with you at your parents,so I don't know what you mean by taking it slow because this looks like rushing in to me.

Why couldn't she continue to live at her parents for longer and you two date and see how things go?
What's the rush?

It's early days, I wouldn't be looking to rent together just yet.Not because of dea money but because it's very soon after getting back together.
Two things.
I hope she's contributing to your parents for her keep.
The issues you fought about before, what are the chances of these arising again?

Andrew Laeddis

rushing for what reason? wrote: »

Well, the end of September is only a month ago, she's living with you at your parents,so I don't know what you mean by taking it slow because this looks like rushing in to me.

Why couldn't she continue to live at her parents for longer and you two date and see how things go?
What's the rush?

It's early days, I wouldn't be looking to rent together just yet.Not because of dea money but because it's very soon after getting back together.
Two things.
I hope she's contributing to your parents for her keep.
The issues you fought about before, what are the chances of these arising again?

Well my house is in the city centre and much closer to her job and college (her parents live in the Styx).

Yep she gives my mum cash every week in order to help out.

We're both going to relationship therapy to avoid any previous issues arising again.

Shrap

I'm thinking that if you either did save and go travelling together OR moved out together, you'd find out whether your relationship is properly steady again. At the moment, you have the buffer of your parent's relationship with your gf keeping things on an even keel and if you did move out into a place together again, you'd discover fairly sharpish how you really are together. Is there an element of you wanting to find this out sooner rather than later in your "male pride" issue?

Andrew Laeddis

Shrap wrote: »

I'm thinking that if you either did save and go travelling together OR moved out together, you'd find out whether your relationship is properly steady again. At the moment, you have the buffer of your parent's relationship with your gf keeping things on an even keel and if you did move out into a place together again, you'd discover fairly sharpish how you really are together. Is there an element of you wanting to find this out sooner rather than later in your "male pride" issue?

I just miss having my own place to be honest! I've been back here 6 months and I was all set to move out just before we got back together but that has now been put on the back burner.

I don't really have any worries about needing to test out what it would be like to live together again- I genuinely just want our own space

beks101

Sounds like you already are living together so the "taking things slow" part isn't really a debate.

As someone else said, you're going through a second Honeymoon here and you're only back together a month so it's all rosy in the garden.

Have you had a serious chat about the issues that caused you to break up in the first place? What's the plan for resolving any further arguments that crop up once the sheen wears off again?

Andrew Laeddis

beks101 wrote: »

Sounds like you already are living together so the "taking things slow" part isn't really a debate.

As someone else said, you're going through a second Honeymoon here and you're only back together a month so it's all rosy in the garden.

Have you had a serious chat about the issues that caused you to break up in the first place? What's the plan for resolving any further arguments that crop up once the sheen wears off again?

100% talked about the stuff that came between us

That's why we're taking the conscious decision to go to relationship therapy to best equip ourselves going going forward should there be any hiccups

CaraMay

She has no right to decide to live with your parents for another year! Wtf??? Looks like shes taking advantage of cheap lodgings with all the home comforts. She doesn't get a vote on this one. You want out of your parents house then out ye go. Do you actually want to go travelling?

Andrew Laeddis

CaraMay wrote: »

She has no right to decide to live with your parents for another year! Wtf??? Looks like shes taking advantage of cheap lodgings with all the home comforts. She doesn't get a vote on this one. You want out of your parents house then out ye go. Do you actually want to go travelling?

She didn't 'decide'

I asked her as it would be easier for her work and college and she said yes. She pays her way and my folks love having her around.

Sunflower 27

Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

She didn't 'decide'

I asked her as it would be easier for her work and college and she said yes. She pays her way and my folks love having her around.

Two grown adults living with your parents. Do you not think they'd like their lives back. It isn't easy having a guest permanently live with you.

Maybe it's just me, but I think you are both being unfair. They may say they are over the moon, but that's what people say. Maybe they are happy you are back together so are tolerating this setup.

You are adults. Work out what you want but let your parents have their life back would be my advice.

Andrew Laeddis

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Two grown adults living with your parents. Do you not think they'd like their lives back. It isn't easy having a guest permanently live with you.

Maybe it's just me, but I think you are both being unfair. They may say they are over the moon, but that's what people say. Maybe they are happy you are back together so are tolerating this setup.

You are adults. Work out what you want but let your parents have their life back would be my advice.

Do you think I should sort a place before Xmas or wait til the new year?

Sunflower 27

Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

Do you think I should sort a place before Xmas or wait til the new year?

What do you think? Would it put you under pressure to do before Xmas? I think instead of focusing on what suits you and your girlfriend, it would be mature to also consider your parents in this set up. I hope I didn't come across brash, that was not my intention.

You could get a double room in a share house. That might be an option if you want to save.

When to go is entirely up to you, but if you tell your parents and they suggest they help you look on daft.ie, you have your answer

Andrew Laeddis

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

What do you think? Would it put you under pressure to do before Xmas? I think instead of focusing on what suits you and your girlfriend, it would be mature to also consider your parents in this set up. I hope I didn't come across brash, that was not my intention.

You could get a double room in a share house. That might be an option if you want to save.

When to go is entirely up to you, but if you tell your parents and they suggest they help you look on daft.ie, you have your answer

No not at all, you didn't come across as brash

When I said I was gonna look for a place ASAP, my folks suggested sticking around for Xmas and looking for a place in January, so we were gonna hang tight til then?

JustAThought

Seems your family are delighted to have your gf back.

Your gf is delighted to be back & its much easier for her now that she live with you all for college .

You dont want to live with your parents anymore & its wrecking your head.

Your gf dont wasnt to spend real money on rent ( a reflection on how much she offers your parennts and financially benefits by this move in arrangement)

I wonder who the real winner in this is, and how useful the couples therapist is if they havn't pointed this out?

Sounds like your gf knows what side her bread is buttered on . She broke up with you 6 months ago - aprox end of year - and then what - went travelling or spent the summer off without you - came back, got her student grant & needed somewhere cheap & easy to live & has got back with you & moved in on the cheap with your parents (& you who there is a counselling requirement for) - but dosnt want to live just with you ....

Tbh it all sounds very convenient for her & dosnt sound at all positive or in any way great for you. It sounds like shes only watching the comfy friendly lifestyle & bottom line - She will take as long as its convenient for her.

I guess If she's at college, you're in your early 20's? Either way you should be living it up & enjoying life with someone who wants you for more than a sunsidised place to live & an easy ride.

Assuming your counseller dosn't want to loose you & your e60 an hour fee ( who pays that?) I'd be wondering why they havn't addressed the elephant in the room. If its this hard this early & there are this many significant red light issues I'd be really asking is she just using me, and abusing my parents affection for her.

You dont want to waste your future, chances to meet someone who really cares & happiness for someone who is nice & fun & goodlooking, but really just very short term & not honest but willing to suck the life and all the assets out of a situation.

No doubt your parents will be upset when she finally goes but how long will you alllow her to exploit their generosity & goodwill too? And lets face it- its not a collective relationship - ( thou in this case it sounds like it is) - the only person & the best whose supposed to be the pivitol person in the relationship is you & her - not her & your mom & her & your dad & then her & you who she has problems with & is the only one she's going to therapy about because she has problems she can't resolve with. And yes - it is that bad & no this is not normal .

It sounds like her biggest issue is that she isnt in any way seriously emotionally committed to you, but is financially tied & dependant on you .

I'd tell her you are no longer living there after Christmas & that you don't want for her to be committed to a lease for 12 months, you will be moving out after Christmas & she will need to find somewhere to live BY HERSELF in January. Be firm. Say you would prefer to have your own space seperate to hers so that you can be enjoy the relationship while knowing she is making her choices from choice & not convenience. It will give you both a chance for development & space to make choices without pressures, while continuing to see each other & stay in each others places when you want to.
Don't let her move in with you , even until ' she finds somewhere' ( she won't) & dont let your parents let her stay without you. Its the ultimate test.

If you can withstand the guilting & emotional blackmail You'll soon find out if its you she actually loves or just the easy lifestyle with a nice guy, the cheap accommodation & discount bills & friendly close to college lifestyle.

. Get a houseshare yourself & Enjoy the craic a bit, relax & have fun. You're too decent a guy to have these middle aged miserable problems.

Good luck.

CaraMay

Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

She didn't 'decide'

I asked her as it would be easier for her work and college and she said yes. She pays her way and my folks love having her around.

My point is that it's her who is suggesting to stay there for a year

Sunflower 27

Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

No not at all, you didn't come across as brash

When I said I was gonna look for a place ASAP, my folks suggested sticking around for Xmas and looking for a place in January, so we were gonna hang tight til then?

Good idea wishing you all the best