Crossroads

LegacyUser

Hello there,

Going anonymous for this one. My issue/confusion is as follows.

I am 25 as is my girlfriend of 6.5 years. We met in college and over the last few years it feels like we have grown up together and like all couples have had our ups and downs. When we finished college I began working immediately as was offered a graduate job. At the time she was all up for moving abroad but that wasn't something I wanted to do at the time as in order to become qualified i had to do some more exams and wanted to get these done asap. So she stuck around, partly for me and partly for her own career which she was trying to get started in (tougher to get jobs than my area)

After a few years of this the tables have turned. I am in a position to travel but she is now tied down for next 4/5 years. She is happy though, as am I for her, doing this as it is what she was working towards. I have said all that to give some background to my current situation.

I am confused as to what I want from the relationship and what the future holds. I am not sure I feel as strongly for her as I used to. Like I get on well with her but we have spent lots of time apart recently and when we are together it is fine but doesn't feel special to me anymore. We don't really have any major issues its just I am not sure I want to be with her anymore. I do love her and care deeply for her but not sure whether the feelings are strong enough to spend the rest of our lives together.

I think that I would like to get out of Ireland for a few years and see what the world has to offer but I know if I do this she will be devastated. I don't know whether this confusion is normal or what and would like to get the opinions of people who have gone through similar doubts. My girlfriend is a really lovely person and I know deep down it would be hard to meet someone as special again. I worry that if I do break up it could be the biggest regret of my life. However if I don't I might always wonder about the road not taken. I guess what makes it hard is that we met so young and have spent most of our adult life together. I feel like I would enjoy being single for a time but am well aware grass isn't always greener.

I would love to hear from those who have been in a similar position and what decision you made. Any other advice also very welcome!

R.D. aka MR.D

I know that this won't be a very popular opinion on here as I think the general consensus is 'a break' = a breakup.

I don't believe that though. I honestly believe that if the two people in the relationship agree to a period of separation then it can help them.

I don't believe in the 'go off an have sex with loads of people' kind of break but taking time away from each other with minimal or no contact can really help people see if they want to be together or not.

In fairness, if the only reason you want to breakup is to have sex with other people then you should just break up. But if you just aren't sure about your feelings for her then some time away might help.

The only thing that you can really do is discus it with her. If she isn't willing to take some time apart then you'll have to make the decision to break up or not.
But you never know, she might be willing to give it a try.

My OH and I are from different countries and neither of us live in our home country. It puts a lot of stress on the relationship as we have to make some big decisions quickly. We have to make sure that we want to be together because the wrong decision can be financially ruinous. It's not like we live down the road from each other and we can get back together if we decide we've made the wrong decision and broke up. We have done this by taking time away from each. He might return to his home country and I might head to SEA for a month and then we make the decision. And it's always been the same way, we can't stand being away from each other. We're getting married next year and moving to Ireland. Our relationship isn't perfect but we are 100% sure that we can't be apart. How do we know? Because we've tried. Giving each other that space has allowed us to be 100% sure of what we want.

So, my point is, you could try to talk to her about whether she would be willing to take a break for a little while. She might not want and I would understand that 100% because if both parties aren't on board it's a pretty lousy thing to do: wait here until I decide if I want to be with you.

Dughorm

Crossroads 12345 wrote: »

At the time she was all up for moving abroad but that wasn't something I wanted to do at the time as in order to become qualified i had to do some more exams and wanted to get these done asap. So she stuck around, partly for me and partly for her own career which she was trying to get started in (tougher to get jobs than my area)

...After a few years of this the tables have turned. I am in a position to travel but she is now tied down for next 4/5 years. She is happy though, as am I for her, doing this as it is what she was working towards.

So she didn't travel when you couldn't and now she expects you to stick around now that she can't? That sounds reasonable.

Crossroads 12345 wrote: »

I think that I would like to get out of Ireland for a few years and see what the world has to offer but I know if I do this she will be devastated.

It sounds like you're bored. Bored of your relationship, your work, your set up perhaps? You're happy but you're not *as* happy as you feel you should be?

Crossroads 12345 wrote: »

I feel like I would enjoy being single for a time but am well aware grass isn't always greener.

Why? What would you get from being single that you do not get being in a loving committed relationship?

Your post reads that you love her but not so much that you will put your life on hold to let her achieve her goals.

All the best with whichever path you decide to take - just remember that regardless of your decision there is always a road not taken.

jimmycrackcorm

Op, the simple reality is that you started going out with this girl in your teens, but the vast majority of people don't get married and spend their life with the person they started going out with when they were just over 18.

So accept that as much as you love her and she you, there will be another for both of you who will be the person you each will marry and love the same way. Its just a part of life so do her a favour and both of you will benefit from what is pretty much the reality that early relationships break up.

beks101

You're bored and have itchy feet and your main deterrent to breaking up with her seems to be "she'll be devastated".

Yeah she probably will, but she's young and successful and lovely and she'll get over it and meet someone else in time.

I think the bigger potential regret here is what would happen if you ignored your will to travel and see the world. Be brave and listen to your gut.