Sexist boss making me feel inadequate

LegacyUser

I'm 26, and I recently started a senior job in a new company (7 months ago), reporting directly to the MD. I hammed it up a bit in the interview (as we all do), really emphasizing how much I value customer service and teamwork (the usual, and it's true!) and he offered me the job two days later.

As time has gone on, it has emerged that the MD is sexist. Small, but frequent, comments about how "the women" talk too much in the office, how we should "sit at the desk and work quietly like good girls". When I got some bad news one morning and burst into tears, he took me into his office and asked what the problem was before berating me for showing my emotions publicly, "although I know it's typical for women, when you have to cry, you have to cry". He also asks me regularly when I don't wear makeup to work if I'm sick or hormonal and if it's the latter, he'll stay out of my way.

When it comes to my work, he puts me down constantly. I do the bones of my job to the best of my ability and am doing a pretty good job on all accounts. It's not busy enough for me to be busy all day, so I do product research online, look up articles about how to be better at my job etc. I don't doss. Last week, we were having a routine conversation about forward planning and as I was leaving the office, he said to me "Will you please keep a timesheet of all of the work you're doing and give it to me on Friday? Thanks", to which I raised my eyebrows and said "Yeah, sure" but he knew I wasn't happy about being asked to show my work after being in the job for 6 months with no issues. I'm the only one he's asked to keep a timesheet.

He has told me on multiple occasions "I thought you were more experienced when I hired you, and now I have to live with that mistake". He hates me taking days off (even the two days a week we are entitled to) and if I dare go home on time, I get a face from him when I say goodbye. It's his company, and he's worked very hard to get it off the ground. I've been supporting him as much as is possible despite his constant insistence on keeping everything clandestine and secretive from me until he absolutely has to tell me and then giving out to me like a teacher when I don't know something that he hasn't bothered to tell me.

I can't help thinking, would he be different if I were a man?

Am I overreacting or is it worth the hassle of working for someone who clearly doesn't like you? It's making coming into work every day more of a chore than it has to be and is sucking all of the positive energy out of me as I spend day after day trying to do my job when he goes out of his way to make it personal and difficult. The money is very good, however, and my friends and family, for the majority, say that I should just put up with it and get some savings behind me before getting another job.

Advice welcome please.

LegacyUser

OP your boss sounds like one I had some time ago and my advice to you is to get a new job and leave as soon as you can.

I had the same experience as you but I stuck it out for a few years and he made my life a misery. He made it plain early on that he regretted hiring me and I went out of my way to prove that I was good enough for the job. No matter what I did though, he always implied that I wasn't doing well enough and that he was only putting up with me so I continued to kill myself trying to show him that I was good enough. I ended up with really low self esteem and had panic attacks & lack of sleep. I eventually left when I realised I would be a basket case if I stayed and that the situation was never going to change, even if I became superwoman overnight (and I have never had a problem with any job or boss, before or after him).

It turned out that was the way he handled all his managers and I was only one of many that he treated like this. Please start looking for another job straight away as you will never please this boss no matter what you do.

DeltaWhite

I worked in the most sexist company ever. For 6 years with 30 men - and me. The only female.

The stuff I went through would honestly make your skin crawl. I am only RAGING now that I never kept a diary of everything said to me because I could have wiped that place out if I sued them. Which is what they deserve.

The 2 options your have are: Speak to HR or find a different job. I know that sounds harsh but these are the options you have. In my case I didn't have a HR department. My boss was HR, so I complained about the sexual comments made to me on a daily basis and my bosses reply: "ah sure that's lads banter" - cheers.

So I decided to take the approach of directly calling every single one of them out on their behaviour. Which literally made them worse when they saw how p!ssed off I used to be. It was the most stressful time of my life. I was a shell of a person by the end of it. I got a new job THANK GOD and I'm here 3 months, not ONCE have I had to deal with anything like in my old job. It's so refreshing and honestly I wouldn't go back to that old place if you paid me all the money in the world. My mental health suffered for years and I cant believe how happy I am everyday now in this new place.

Your post reminds me so much of there, I feel sorry for you honestly. But you need to nip this in the bud now. I cant see it getting any better for you!

Stheno

its2015like wrote: »

I'm 26, and I recently started a senior job in a new company (7 months ago), reporting directly to the MD. I hammed it up a bit in the interview (as we all do), really emphasizing how much I value customer service and teamwork (the usual, and it's true!) and he offered me the job two days later.

As time has gone on, it has emerged that the MD is sexist. Small, but frequent, comments about how "the women" talk too much in the office, how we should "sit at the desk and work quietly like good girls". When I got some bad news one morning and burst into tears, he took me into his office and asked what the problem was before berating me for showing my emotions publicly, "although I know it's typical for women, when you have to cry, you have to cry". He also asks me regularly when I don't wear makeup to work if I'm sick or hormonal and if it's the latter, he'll stay out of my way.

When it comes to my work, he puts me down constantly. I do the bones of my job to the best of my ability and am doing a pretty good job on all accounts. It's not busy enough for me to be busy all day, so I do product research online, look up articles about how to be better at my job etc. I don't doss. Last week, we were having a routine conversation about forward planning and as I was leaving the office, he said to me "Will you please keep a timesheet of all of the work you're doing and give it to me on Friday? Thanks", to which I raised my eyebrows and said "Yeah, sure" but he knew I wasn't happy about being asked to show my work after being in the job for 6 months with no issues. I'm the only one he's asked to keep a timesheet.

He has told me on multiple occasions "I thought you were more experienced when I hired you, and now I have to live with that mistake". He hates me taking days off (even the two days a week we are entitled to) and if I dare go home on time, I get a face from him when I say goodbye. It's his company, and he's worked very hard to get it off the ground. I've been supporting him as much as is possible despite his constant insistence on keeping everything clandestine and secretive from me until he absolutely has to tell me and then giving out to me like a teacher when I don't know something that he hasn't bothered to tell me.

I can't help thinking, would he be different if I were a man?

Am I overreacting or is it worth the hassle of working for someone who clearly doesn't like you? It's making coming into work every day more of a chore than it has to be and is sucking all of the positive energy out of me as I spend day after day trying to do my job when he goes out of his way to make it personal and difficult. The money is very good, however, and my friends and family, for the majority, say that I should just put up with it and get some savings behind me before getting another job.

Advice welcome please.

You may not appreciate this feedback, but there's an element of you contributing here imo tbh, and before you tell me I'm sexist, I'm female, work in IT and have had the job of managing multiple teams that were purely male for many years.

On your first point, are there any men in the office, and even if there are, are the women overly chatty? I've had occasion to work in teams where it was a majority of women and tbh I have found that they never STFU about sometimes the most intimate details of their life. While his phrasing of how they behave may be inappropriate, his opinion of their behaviour may be accurate.

If I've had an upsetting thing happen to me, then I'll go to my boss and explain that I've had some bad news, not burst into tears tbh, it really freaks male and female managers to have this happen to them, again the response may be inappropriate, but the behaviour may trigger it.

As for the makeup, if I don't put on at least some foundation every day, I look ill compared to if I do so the same would apply for me.

IN terms of the timesheet, he's looking for a return on his investment in you, if it's not busy as you say, then he may be looking to change the role, add more work, or cut it down to less days.

As for going home on time, just do it.

IN terms of him telling you he thought you were more experienced, you yourself say you hammed it up in your interview, and now you've been found out tbh.

I'd say there are two people at fault here, not one.

Address what you can and see how it changes.

LegacyUser

Stheno wrote: »

You may not appreciate this feedback, but there's an element of you contributing here imo tbh, and before you tell me I'm sexist, I'm female, work in IT and have had the job of managing multiple teams that were purely male for many years.

....

IN terms of him telling you he thought you were more experienced, you yourself say you hammed it up in your interview, and now you've been found out tbh.

I'd say there are two people at fault here, not one.

Address what you can and see how it changes.

Thank you for your feedback. I can appreciate that there are two people at fault here.

Just to respond to a few of your points -

On your first point, are there any men in the office, and even if there are, are the women overly chatty? I've had occasion to work in teams where it was a majority of women and tbh I have found that they never STFU about sometimes the most intimate details of their life. While his phrasing of how they behave may be inappropriate, his opinion of their behaviour may be accurate.

There are only a dozen of us working here so far, mostly men believe it or not. Myself and two other girls work in the office, and at the MD's insistence, we don't really chat unless he's not there or has his office door closed. He says he needs total silence to work. We're not even allowed a radio. That particular comment came one day when we were working on a product plan together and he came back from a meeting and we were all talking enthusiastically about the product. He just felt the need to highlight that because we were talking, it was a female trait. Nothing is ever said about the 30 min coffee chats had by the boys about the football etc.

As for the makeup, if I don't put on at least some foundation every day, I look ill compared to if I do so the same would apply for me.

I don't think it should be tolerated for a male superior to make jokes about whether or not I have make up on. I'm not customer facing and don't wear a lot of make up anyway, so I don't feel I should have to be plastered in make up just because it makes my face more palatable to him. To suggest that not wearing make up means I'm hormonal, and if that's the case, that he's going to stay out of my way, is sexist. Bringing my reproductive cycle into the office to make a point is just unnecessary.

I didn't lie in the interview so I haven't been "found out". I was in "interview mode" where you present the best version of yourself. He obviously took my confidence and enthusiasm to mean I was more qualified than what was on paper, but I never said I could do a job that I couldn't. He has a habit of assuming pretty much everything without checking the facts, and it looks like that was the case in hiring me as well.

I have done everything I can to be as neutral and subordinate without compromising my own morals as possible. I do what I'm told and don't question him. I don't speak unless I'm spoken to. I'm afraid to move some days in case I catch his attention and generate another comment. As I said, there are a dozen of us in this office, so I can't talk to anyone about it except him.

I've seen previous posts on this forum where a female superior is being bitchy and power-tripping and everyone advised the OP to talk to HR, take her down a peg etc. Why is it that male superiors can't be treated the same?

Looks like getting a new job is my only option.

Lux23

If he really questions hiring you, why doesn't he just let you go? You're only there 7 months so he hasn't even to give you a reason. I would record the comments and request a meeting with HR to discuss what they (a) think of your performance and (b) so you can give some feedback too.

bilbot79

Hi
Really sympathise with you and your post is clear, articulate and reasonable and convinces me you are not in the wrong there. For what it worth I don't think he is directly sexist, I think he's a typically ignorant, arrogant boss and the sexism is a symptom of him being a knob end.
I don't think you should leave, I think you should stand up to him at least once a day and rise above it all.

Stheno

its2015like wrote: »

Thank you for your feedback. I can appreciate that there are two people at fault here.



Looks like getting a new job is my only option.

I'd say that's your best bet tbh

Mrs OBumble

bilbot79 wrote: »

For what it worth I don't think he is directly sexist, I think he's a typically ignorant, arrogant boss and the sexism is a symptom of him being a knob end.
I don't think you should leave, I think you should stand up to him at least once a day and rise above it all.

I pretty much agree with this.

FWIW, I don't wear makeup, usually. Lipstick occasionally. Foundation, never. If someone, particularly a man, made comments about to me about it, they would be likely to get an earful about how the chemical industry has manipulated women into feeling inferior in order to create a market for their byproducts. Such an earful that they'd never dare make a comment like that again!

Standing up to him is well and good, and it it works, great. But the OP is on probation still, and it may just get her fired. Leaving is sometimes the most pragmatic approach.


OP, remember that older people often have a lower tolerance for noise (and I say that knowing that my tolerance has decreased over the the last 20 years). You mention "we aren't even allowed a radio" - IMHO this is quite reasonable, the only work-places where radios etc are appropriate are ones where no one has to think about what they're doing.

Diziet

OP, I agree that you are best in a different place - daily sexism is very unpleasant and it does chip away at self esteem. It gets better as you get more experienced and you have good responses and behaviours that ultimately make sure the sexist comments never even surface. You sound professional and intelligent, so you will already know of course that while working on your exit strategy you should do an excellent job in your current place.

I find it best not to be too 'subordinate' - clearly it is important to understand that he is your manager and presumably a lot more experienced (I know you said 'senior role', but realistically you are still at the start of your career with a lot to learn), but you also need to expect a certain level of respect. So if it is a case of 'you girls chatting' it is acceptable to say ' we are discussing the merits of this product introduction - do you have a few minutes for me to give you a summary?'. Never get defensive, and always pull the conversation back to the job in hand.

My rule of thumb is to switch the genders in an expression and if the result sounds daft, then in general the comment was sexist.

I do sympathise with needing silence to work and not allowing a radio - some people, including myself, are better with silence. A radio kills my productivity and there is no way that I would allow it in an office. If people want music they can use headphones.

Good luck.

blindsider

Does he ask others for a 'timesheet' or record of their work? No? That is bullying. You can't treat people differently as he is clearly doing.

I presume you don't have a HR person/dept?

The 'sexist' bit is a tricky one...generally needs to be managed from day 1....

The whole thing sounds like hard work TBH - new yr, new job?

Bandana boy

blindsider wrote: »

Does he ask others for a 'timesheet' or record of their work? No? That is bullying. You can't treat people differently as he is clearly doing.

This is not true , there is no rule about managing people differently being bullying. If the request is reasonable then it is reasonable , it does not become unreasonable because you are the only person it is asked from , or become reasonable because he asks it of many.

This even more so if he can point to performance issues with one member of the team.

you can absolutely treat people differently ,I suspect there is not a place of employment in the country that does not differentiate for different staff members , be that pay scale , amount of holidays ,working hours , working from home etc.