Disagreement with girlfriend's housemates

DivingDuck

athtrasna wrote: »

10pm on a Friday night is not an unsociable hour, these are adults not 12 year olds!!

I disagree, so as I said, I wouldn't want to live there.

The point has been made that in other countries, 10pm is considered the cut-off time for noise-- and where I live, the building regulations do not permit noise audible outside your own dwelling after that hour, weekend or no weekend.

However, this is a matter of opinion, so they will consequently differ, and at the end of the day, it's irrelevant anyway. The OP's partner is not suited to the living environment in question, and as she's in the minority, the sensible thing for her to do is to seek accommodation elsewhere.

If it were me, I'd look into trying to rent somewhere and sublet myself, and operating a quiet/early morning house for housemates who specifically fit that criteria. There are plenty of people who would jump at the chance to rent somewhere that didn't allow night-time noise. I know would have bitten the hand off anyone offering something like that when I was living in shared accommodation, so maybe it's worth considering.

Tarzana2

DivingDuck wrote: »

I disagree, so as I said, I wouldn't want to live there.

The point has been made that in other countries, 10pm is considered the cut-off time for noise-- and where I live, the building regulations do not permit noise audible outside your own dwelling after that hour, weekend or no weekend.

What is acceptable and not acceptable in other countries is irrelevant. In my apartment building, it's 11pm.

DivingDuck

Tarzana2 wrote: »

What is acceptable and not acceptable in other countries is irrelevant. In my apartment building, it's 11pm.

It's all irrelevant, as this is shared house and not an apartment building.

The only point I was making is that the cut-off for "acceptable" varies from place to place and situation to situation. Nothing more.

Arbiter of Good Taste

I've lived in houseshares with a converted living room. It worked fine.

OP your attitude stinks. The fact that you won't take the overwhelming majority of opinions on board, and immediately take a very defensive sulky attitude, makes it unsurprising that the situation with the housemates escalated so quickly.

I'd be surprised if you are welcome in that house again.

And if you think your girlfriend is being bullied, you've lived a very sheltered life

Tarzana2

DivingDuck wrote: »

It's all irrelevant, as this is shared house and not an apartment building.

The only point I was making is that the cut-off for "acceptable" varies from place to place and situation to situation. Nothing more.

It does differ but there can be a general consensus on something and 10pm being an acceptable time for music especially on a Friday night would, I imagine, be a view held by most adults in Ireland.

DivingDuck

Tarzana2 wrote: »

It does differ but there can be a general consensus on something and 10pm being an acceptable time for music especially on a Friday night would, I imagine, be a view held by most adults in Ireland.

And some would disagree with that. The OP, his girlfriend, myself, whoever set the rules for my building...

The point I'm making is that this isn't a universal belief, though I doubt you would be wrong in saying the majority of people would find it acceptable.

Arbiter of Good Taste

DivingDuck wrote: »

And some would disagree with that. The OP, his girlfriend, myself, whoever set the rules for my building...

The point I'm making is that this isn't a universal belief, though I doubt you would be wrong in saying the majority of people would find it acceptable.

The majority of people in the house believe it's acceptable. That's all that matters

DivingDuck

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

The majority of people in the house believe it's acceptable. That's all that matters

As I said in my original post on the topic.

athtrasna

Can we move on please?

Ursus Horribilis

To be honest, debating the rights and wrongs of this on an internet forum is an exercise in futility. Even if every single person here said "Oh that's awful. Your poor girlfriend. What inconsiderate housemates she has", where does that leave her? Because of this ugly row that happened last night, the atmosphere in that house must be toxic now. Really, she should just move and be done with it.

For what it's worth, I have some sympathy for her. If I lived in a house where they partied late into the night and I needed to get to bed early, I'd be pretty p!ssed off. You do need to know what battles to pick though. This wasn't one of them. It sounds like your girlfriend's lifestyle is incompatible with theirs. I also get the impression from their reaction that they might not be the nicest of people in the first place. Having you coming out to deal with this issue was never going to end well but it degenerated into a nasty altercation that almost turned physically violent. Why would she want to live in that house after what happened?

In short -your girlfriend should start searching for new accommodation and find housemates who aren't party people.

bilbot79

I find it bizarre that the op feels entitled to expect to make the rules in the house against a majority. Doesn't matter what time people go to bed in Germany, in Ireland you party at 10pm on Friday and if you don't like it you find a house with people on a similar schedule.

Noted also that the op argued every single point made here even though the majority disagree with him. His approach to this thread is identical to his approach to the house i.e. 'I'm right, everyone else is wrong'. Don't know why he bothered starting a thread tbh cos no one else's opinion matters

Bob24

Odus fell down wrote: »

To be honest, debating the rights and wrongs of this on an internet forum is an exercise in futility. Even if every single person here said "Oh that's awful. Your poor girlfriend. What inconsiderate housemates she has", where does that leave her? Because of this ugly row that happened last night, the atmosphere in that house must be toxic now. Really, she should just move and be done with it.

For what it's worth, I have some sympathy for her. If I lived in a house where they partied late into the night and I needed to get to bed early, I'd be pretty p!ssed off. You do need to know what battles to pick though. This wasn't one of them. It sounds like your girlfriend's lifestyle is incompatible with theirs. I also get the impression from their reaction that they might not be the nicest of people in the first place. Having you coming out to deal with this issue was never going to end well but it degenerated into a nasty altercation that almost turned physically violent. Why would she want to live in that house after what happened?

This.

Personally if I was getting along with my flatmate and knew they had to get up early, I would try to avoid waking them up after 10pm. Hence I also have some sympathy.

But where the OP has unreasonable expectations is that it's only going to work in a decent accommodation with not too many people who know each other.

In a cheap place with a converted living room, limited common areas and where housemates obviously don't all have great rapport with each other (if they did, his girlfriend wouldn't have been reluctant to talk to others herself) ... there is no way it is going to work.

Odus fell down wrote: »

In short -your girlfriend should start searching for new accommodation and find housemates who aren't party people.

Yes, and/or get a proper bedroom which his not adjacent to the only common area in the house.

keane2097

Mark Hamill wrote: »

Did you not read the post?
And this goes for everyone else with this strawman: I was asking (and then arguing) on behalf of my girlfriend, someone who pays to be in the house. My girlfriend doesn't like arguing, hence I was the one who asked first.


You are reading into something that isn't there.
They were threatening to call the guards on my girlfriend, not me.
I don't live there, we haven't been going out long and I had only met 2 of the 3 tenants before this.
If someone is bullying my girlfriend, not to mention abusive and aggressive to me (and later her) then it damn sure is my right to stick up for her, who wouldn't stick up for their partner in that situation.
I had to convince my girlfriend to go talk to them.


Grown up mature people recognise that their actions may hurt other people. Grown up mature people have the decency to not disturb people they know have to get up early.
Grown up mature people do not give a two-fingers attitude to reasonable requests because they want to get pissed off their heads and fck anyone else it's a nuisance to.


How dare me? What the hell is wrong with people? How dare they bully my girlfriend like that?


If the shoe was on the other foot? I would keep it down! Why the hell wouldn't I? It's the decent thing to do, not to tell someone to get by on <6 hours sleep.


Why should she have to move? Why shouldn't they move into their own place if they want to make noise whenever they like?


It was a BS retort, she doesn't make noise when she leaves for work (she gets up, dresses and is out the door in <15 minutes). It was "I know you are, but what am I" style childishness.



I'm not sure. She pays the same one each month, I'd imagine he is sharing it with the others (although I guess they could be subletting off him too).



They were in the kitchen since before 6. If they had let us know any time before I went into them after 10 then there wouldn't have been the same issue. It's what we do where I live, let the other tenants know if you are planning to be noisy at night. It's just common decency.



Who I am is irrelevant, I was there on her behalf.
The whole "this isn't acceptable" came up after trying to explain to them about my girlfriend getting up and their attitude of complete dismissal (it wasn't the second thing I said, I'll admit the OP does make it seem like that).
Apparently my girlfriend has had a bullying problem with one of them for a while now. The tenant has been obnoxious and rude to her in the past and is of the opinion that my girlfriend shouldn't say boo to her.

This post was good for a chuckle. Was there anything in the 40 odd posts telling you how out of line you were that you took on board?

Never mind all these bully sympathisers sure, you know you're in the right.

bilbot79

keane2097 wrote: »

This post was good for a chuckle. Was there anything in the 40 odd posts telling you how out of line you were that you took on board?

Never mind all these bully sympathisers sure, you know you're in the right.

Hit the nail on the head there

CatFromHue

Houseshares are all about the relationship between the housemates in the house.

The other girls are perfectly entitled to play loud music at that time and day. Should they when they know someone has to get up early the next day? Probably not.

It's not working so time to find somewhere new if you ask me.

Nichard Dixon

Bob24 wrote: »

Yes, and/or get a proper bedroom which his not adjacent to the only common area in the house.

Using the Living Room as a bedroom doesn't seem the best plan at the outset. Were relations good, which they now are not, the obvious plan is to swap with the room above that, but then the girlfriend might we waking that person banging the front door on Saturday mornings. Living with people having similar schedules would be best.

Ursus Horribilis

Just to add: I think you're getting too caught up in the question of who's right and who's wrong and the legalities of the whole thing. It's all utterly irrelevant to your girlfriend's current predicament. On a human level, she has been living in a house where she has been bullied by one of the other tenants. That's a fairly lousy state of affairs if it's true. Even if it isn't bullying, it points to an unhappy living arrangement for her. Who in their right mind would want to pay money to live in a house where they've got housemates who make them feel awful? As anyone who has ever shared accommodation will tell you, it's the human relationships that count. You don't have to be best buddies with the people you share accommodation with but most people will do their best to be civil and respectful. I'm not seeing evidence of any of that here. She'd be better off moving. Don't draw her into what could become a personal crusade for you.

April 73

Seems to me that there are two basic problems here - lack of communal space because the sitting room is a bedroom & lack of rapport between the people living there.

Life is too short to live somewhere with a bad atmosphere. What happened the other night has pretty much ended the possibility of the OP's girlfriend living there in any kind of harmony.

Yes the rental market is tough but I'd be putting my energies into finding somewhere else to live.

Angry bird

OP, is staying at your place Friday night a realistic option for your girlfriend to get to work ? Do the tenants regularly have a few drinks etc. on Friday night, how has she (and you) been getting on with them prior to this incident?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

He said he only met two of the three before this happened!! Imagine that being your first impression :eek:

Rackstar

No point in trying to be the hero here, completely out of line. I'd doubt herself was impressed at all, probably considering her options after this.

Eugene Norman

bilbot79 wrote: »

I find it bizarre that the op feels entitled to expect to make the rules in the house against a majority. Doesn't matter what time people go to bed in Germany, in Ireland you party at 10pm on Friday and if you don't like it you find a house with people on a similar schedule.

Noted also that the op argued every single point made here even though the majority disagree with him. His approach to this thread is identical to his approach to the house i.e. 'I'm right, everyone else is wrong'. Don't know why he bothered starting a thread tbh cos no one else's opinion matters

He doesn't seem to realise he has no rights whatsoever. He's a non paying guest – non invited by most house mates – at a house yelling people at who are renting there to quiet down at the reasonable hour of 10pm on a Friday. A time when the vast majority of people are awake. She hasn't s case either. 10 pm isn't late. If she wants more privacy pay for it by renting a bedroom away from the common areas.

Imnotthehulk

Mark Hamill wrote: »

TL:DR version: Drunken, abusive and noisy housemates post 10pm ignoring requests to be quiet by subletting girlfriend who works at 6am next day.

What can I do about this?

I'd say it's worth your girlfriend having a chat with her housemates, when everyone is sober, about house rules.

Beyond that, if it were me, I'd want to clarify my status in the household... threats about calling the landlord and guards are ridiculous.

housetypeb

Imnotthehulk wrote: »

I'd say it's worth your girlfriend having a chat with her housemates, when everyone is sober, about house rules.

Beyond that, if it were me, I'd want to clarify my status in the household... threats about calling the landlord and guards are ridiculous.

Technically both the landlord and the guards could be called.
The girlfriend is a licensee and could be asked to leave at a moments notice while the boyfriend has no more rights than a guest in your house who refuses to leave when and if asked to.

April 73

Even if the girlfriend is a licensee, she is paying rent to live there & the others have obviously agreed to the situation.
To threaten to call the Gardai about the living arrangements & the fact that the sitting room is her bedroom is a bad way to respond to a disagreement about noise.
I wouldn't want to live with people like this, who accept the rental input & the loss of the sitting room but then use threats.
Maybe it can be salvaged with cool heads but the whole set-up sounds fraught to me.

riffmongous

Rackstar wrote: »

No point in trying to be the hero here, completely out of line. I'd doubt herself was impressed at all, probably considering her options after this.

What would you have done yourself if you were in the OP's shoes? Girlfriend needs to get to sleep and is obviously not comfortable confronting her housemates, no earplugs.. turning off the music at 12 doesnt mean 6 hours sleep then either

Earplugs are great though, I always carry a few pairs in my bag whenever I go anywhere, if you put them in properly they block out almost everything

Emme

I rented an apartment in a converted Victorian house for years. It looked very good, high ceilings etc. but the walls were paper thin. I could hear people getting up at 5am below me and people playing music up (sometimes live) until 12 above me. I slept with earplugs in most nights. If any boyfriend I had staying over told the people in the other apartments to keep the noise down he would have been shown the door fast.

I get the feeling your girlfriend is doing her best to live on a budget. She probably gets the room at a reasonable rate because it's a sublet. She is also working to try and make ends meet. You meant well but it might have been more helpful to stay quiet and offer her a more peaceful place to stay the next Friday night. You haven't said whether this was possible or not.

Houseshares are complex. Usually the person who has moved into the house first has more rights, unofficially anyway. Did your girlfriend move into that house after the others? If so she has less rights in their eyes.

Your girlfriend would be well advised to look for a quieter house as soon as possible and wear earplugs on the nights she has work in the morning. You say she is being bullied by a housemate, maybe she has a meek people pleasing personality that attracts this behaviour from certain people. She might benefit from some good advice on assertiveness whether this is through counselling or a book such as "A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You" by Anne Dickson. She can get it on Amazon.

riffmongous

riffmongous wrote: »

What would you have done yourself if you were in the OP's shoes?

I'd have done absolutely nothing as I would have no right to open my mouth as a guest in the house and also 10pm is early regardless of what time someone is gettjng up.

If she has to get up at 3am would the op have claimed 7pm is too early to make noise. Pure and utter nonsense, anything up to 12 is fair game on a Friday night.

Even after confronting them he should have accepted their offer of stopping by 12, I'm sure she could survive on 6 hours sleep for one night.

Arbiter of Good Taste

April 73 wrote: »

Even if the girlfriend is a licensee, she is paying rent to live there & the others have obviously agreed to the situation.
To threaten to call the Gardai about the living arrangements & the fact that the sitting room is her bedroom is a bad way to respond to a disagreement about noise.
I wouldn't want to live with people like this, who accept the rental input & the loss of the sitting room but then use threats.
Maybe it can be salvaged with cool heads but the whole set-up sounds fraught to me.

To be honest, from his response further up, I would take the OP's interpretation of the situation with a pinch of salt. For example, residents in a house chatting and playing music at 10pm any night are not bullies. The more I think of it, the more I suspect they were threatening to call the guards on him.

Also, the girlfriend works one day a week. She's a student, so it's likely in a cafe or a shop or similar. There are surgeons who get by on less sleep. She really needs to cop on or she'll find her life will be a big PITA if this is what aggravates her.

athtrasna

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

To be honest, from his response further up, I would take the OP's interpretation of the situation with a pinch of salt. For example, residents in a house chatting and playing music at 10pm any night are not bullies. The more I think of it, the more I suspect they were threatening to call the guards on him.

I was thinking that too. If I was one of the female housemates and a male guest started trying down the law I'd feel intimidated and there's a point where that could lead to the Gardai being called. I think the OP is lucky that they didn't do so.