I Cheated on my Wife

LegacyUser

OP here,


All of your responses have made for some very difficult reading. I'm still racked with guilt. The girl who I had the one night stand with has texted me looking to meet up again, which I have not responded to. I really want to confess but I know in my heart my wife could never forgive me.

Merkin

hatemyself765 wrote: »

OP here,


All of your responses have made for some very difficult reading. I'm still racked with guilt. The girl who I had the one night stand with has texted me looking to meet up again, which I have not responded to. I really want to confess but I know in my heart my wife could never forgive me.

And why exactly do you have her number?

Ann84

Ok, so she doesn't forgive you and you separate. Doesn't she have a right to make her own decisions or are you the only one who is allowed to live in your relationship?!

Why does this woman have your number and why have you not text her back to tell her your not interested and not to message you again!? Are you keeping your options open or just enjoying the attention?!

I am really disappointed that you haven't actually outlined why you cheated or suggested that you are going to do anything about it...

I feel bad for your wife, I hope all these people saying all men cheat are wrong because I'm engaged and this thread is making me depressed about getting married... It's not even the cheating, it's the deception. I would be gutted if my fiancé cheated but even more so if he lied to me about it, I would feel like I didn't know him and our relationship was a lie!

meeeeh

In no way am I saying what op has done is right but we all lie. So whoever is afraid of being lied to by partner better stay single.

Op, I am not sure what are you trying to do or what you should do. But one woman you definitely have to be honest with is the woman you slept with. Don't string her along with promises you have no intention keeping. Does she even know you are married?

As for wife, on practical level you have to decide what the chances are of her finding out. If they are high then it's probably better if she hears it from you. If not then maybe you should suffer in silence but only if there is a marriage worth preserving in. If you two are kind of plodding along then it's better to tell her and then make a decision what do you both want to do and if there is actually anything worth saving. Ignorance is a bliss only when it's persevering otherwise happy marriage. Not some status quo that you are afraid to end because of kids, house or because you are afraid you will end up alone.

bilbot79

Op lots of different opinions here. People really need to know where your heads at? Can you tell us:
Have you ever done it before?
Do you want to have sex with the girl that texted you?
Is there some underlying reason you did it other than the call of the wild?
Is your current wife a hormonal blimp that takes your money and has no interest in sex?

hatemyself765

hatemyself765 wrote: »

OP here,


All of your responses have made for some very difficult reading. I'm still racked with guilt. The girl who I had the one night stand with has texted me looking to meet up again, which I have not responded to. I really want to confess but I know in my heart my wife could never forgive me.

Few questions:

1) Does she know you're married?
2) If she doesn't know you're married, why not? Did you remove your wedding ring?
3) If you removed your wedding ring - why did you and when did it happen?

If you did remove your wedding ring, then it does speak volumes about this entire thing. If she knows you're married, then it doesn't say much for her.

PressRun

hatemyself765 wrote: »

OP here,


All of your responses have made for some very difficult reading. I'm still racked with guilt. The girl who I had the one night stand with has texted me looking to meet up again, which I have not responded to. I really want to confess but I know in my heart my wife could never forgive me.

Your wife deserves to know so she can decide if she wants to forgive you or not. As it stands, you're just making her a participant in a lie where you get to single-handedly decide the future of the marriage. If you tell her and she doesn't forgive you, that's her right. She doesn't need to stay with you. You needn't be reminded that you're the one who ****ed up. You made a clear-headed adult decision to cheat. In the adult world, decisions have consequences.

As for you having this woman's number - why?? Did you think you might fancy doing this again?

deseil

Dont txt the woman back, say nothing to your wife and move on with your life.

If you tell her,your marraige is over!
Guilt is going to be there but it ll be much worse if you ruin everything you have for this mistake, I understand where other posters are coming from but if you can avoid your wife finding out and learn a lesson and never do anything like this again it will be better all round.

Ann84

meeeeh wrote: »

In no way am I saying what op has done is right but we all lie. So whoever is afraid of being lied to by partner better single.

Please! There are lies like 'what did you have for dinner - oh I made stir fry (when really I got McDonald's!) and then there are LIES like 'where did our life savings go - what life savings (when I blew them because I'm a secret gambler/ drinker)' or where did you sleep last night - at a mates (when really I was cheating)'

Yes, everybody lies but everybody knows the difference between a white lie and a relationship altering, partner hurting future damaging lie... This particular situation is the latter and I stand by my comment, the level of support for deception does make for pretty depressing reading for someone heading down the aisle...
Like the OPs wife, I'm not a fan of cheating, less so of lying about it, it adds insult to injury leaving her in the dark like that about something so serious.

LegacyUser

Agree with Ann 100%. This thread is depressing. I know I'm not alone when I say that I just couldn't bear to cheat or be cheated on. It's truly dishonest and sickening, I just really doubt OP, that things are going to turn out all rosy for you. If you choose to hide it, block that other girl from your life.

Really though, how do you feel inside when you imagine if this was your wife in this mess after cheating on you?

eviltwin

So the OP originally claims to be guilt ridden but still has this woman's number on his phone. Funny kind of guilt OP. If you were genuine you would have deleted and blocked that number immediately. Either you're 100% committed to your marriage or you aren't. Your actions don't suggest you are as remorseful as you should be. If you are holding out for a repeat performance then do the decent thing and tell your wife. Have some respect for her and your children even if you don't have it for yourself or your marriage.

Colser

You hardly exchanged numbers before the deed so Im guessing you did that the following morning,sounds less like a mistake the more you post.If you can carry on with your life and keep this to yourself off with you but as a poster above said the cheating is only one part and most women are hurt as much if not more by the deception and lies that follow.

I really pity your wife because even if she never finds out about what you did her marriage has changed and there are people out there that know about but she actually doesnt.Thats what really hurts the most when it does eventually come out and I have no doubt that it will eventually.

strandroad

hatemyself765 wrote: »

The girl who I had the one night stand with has texted me looking to meet up again, which I have not responded to.

Looks like it was not a one night stand *for her* and I can't blame her if you exchanged phone numbers and let her believe future meetups were on the cards. It can get messy.

What are you really after OP? That's a lot of steps before and after the deed and someone who is genuinelly happily married would have many opportunities to back off and cool down.

LegacyUser

for the love of God don't reply to that text. Don't interact with her in any way, block the number, etc.

There is a lot of judgement on this thread, which I suppose is to be expected but only you can know what you will do if you decide not to tell. Will you use this as the event that makes you really appreciate your family, or will you damage your family further down the line?

I offer the following not as an excuse btw, what you did was wrong, but I think you said yourself you didn't understand your own actions. These are potential physiological reasons for what you did. We are evolved primates, we have evolved to a point where we have higher reasoning but occasionally the primitive brain/desires reasserts itself. The work of anthropologist Robin Dunbar (Oxford University) shows the vast majority of primates are not monogamous, and very few undeveloped tribes practice it. It is a relatively modern social construct. The behaviourial economist Dan Ariely (Duke University) has done research into how sexual arousal impacts on decision making. When a man is aroused his decision making changes and he is likely to engage in riskier behaviour.

I've seen it suggested you should get counselling to understand why you did what you did (from people who don't hold with the above I imagine), if you take the Jungian view that all relationships are shaped by the early dynamics in a child's life, you may as unconsciously been acting out a power play to right a perceived wrong your unconscious believes you suffered at an early age. Every relationship (not just intimate, but with friends etc) is dominated by these unconscious complexes that we can not access (hence you often see people make the same mistake with multiple partners etc). Only you know if this is true of your life and your relationships but judging from your comments I would think your underdeveloped primate brain temporarily overpowered your reasoning capacity due to your state of arousal.

You are better than your actions and personally, I don't think you, or more importantly, your wife and children should suffer for your mistake. We are not perfect and we can all make mistakes, the great thing about our evolution is we can learn from them. If you break up your family, your life will go on, your wife's life will go on, your children will probably be absolutely fine, the world won't end and in time you and they will be happy again but despite all that, I would say stick with the woman you love and show her every day she's the woman you want to be with. Go whole-heartedly into this Christmas period and if you can't make it work, be honest with your wife and let what happens happen.

Again, good luck, hope it works out.

LegacyUser

The thing is, OP, that if you decide to keep this secret (and if you get away with it), then you will have to keep this secret for the rest of your (or her) life.

If she ever, ever finds out, then she will realise that her whole relationship with you has been a lie, and that is a very difficult thing for anyone to deal with.

I speak from experience.

LegacyUser

Op, my husband cheated on me also. He didn't tell me I found out for myself months after the fact. I think it was worse discovering a web of lies and deceit and trying to get the truth out of him was hell.

You have made an extremely foolish mistake by swopping numbers with this woman. This is how I discovered his deceit it was in front of my face the whole time and I didn't know it. He had been texting back and forth with this woman and I hadn't a clue. It was his behaviour that gave him away. I had a gut feeling and I acted on it. I searched our house and found some phone bills and a large number of texts to a particular number. I rang that number and hounded that woman as to why she was texting my husband eventually she gave in and told me the truth ... He denied everything of course, I took his phone and rang her number and surprise surprise she was listed as being one of his friends, they hadn't been in contact in months but that didn't matter to me. I kicked my husband out that very day into the gutter where he belonged.

The week before I caught the ex cheating I was away with friends for one of their birthdays. We were in a nightclub and a bloke approached me I flashed the rings and said your wasting your time I'm married lad. He reached into his back pocket and took out his ring and put it on his wedding finger and said " so am I, and we all do it" I told him my husband wouldn't do that. Exactly one week later i was packing up my own husbands things! Oh how naive I was!

This woman has your phone number and can contact you whenever she likes. I assume she knows your name also, are you on social media? If so your also very exposed, she can find out about you from that also. Finding her and blocking her doesn't work she can log into anyone's Facebook and find you on theirs. Ireland is a really small country to be honest and it may happen one day that you are caught out when you least expect it...

To all the people who want to believe that this doesn't happen that often I'm sorry to say that in my opinion it does. I have many many male friends both married and in long term relationships and only one has been faithful to their partners that I know of. Most of them have cheated on stags to be honest. Most of them also feel no guilt about it or push their guilt down after a few weeks. It's fairly depressing to be honest and I have no faith in men or relationships anymore because of it. And to the people who will ask ... Yes I give my friends hell if they tell me they have cheated, but that's as far as it goes, I don't tell the wives or girlfriends just like no one told me. Everyone shoots the messenger.

The fact that you exchanged numbersspeaks volumes about your intentions though, don't you think?

LegacyUser

Have to agree with ann84, this thread and some of the opinions on it are depressing.
I was cheated on recently and lied to on several occasions as I had my doubts but choose to ignore my gut feeling. I ended it after he admitted 6 months later.
OP, do the decent thing and tell her. You do not have the right to take that choice away from someone.

ManOfMystery

The OP doesn't have to have her number stored in order to receive a text and recognise who it's from. I'm not sure why people are jumping on that - all he said was he got a text.

OP, it's very simple : you have risked your marriage already, but there is a small chance you can put this behind you, move on and things will stay as they are. You are naturally feeling tense and guilty at the moment over it, but that tension will fade over time (though I can't say with any certainty that the guilt will too) and it will be easier for you to focus your energies on your marriage again and behave, to all intents and purposes, normally.

If you engage with this girl again, or with any other woman, then that risk is going to be massively increased. And you have to ask yourself is it worth it? Possible divorce, financial nightmare, not seeing your kids as much, your relationship with them damaged, your reputation amongst friend and family members tainted, and all the other joyful things that can happen when a marriage ends - is it worth is for a bit of physical gratification?

I know some posters believe 100% honesty from both sides is the only way a relationship should be, but I don't agree. A marriage is for life, and there's very few of us who manage to go all them years without making some mistakes along the way. When a mistake like this can be put behind you (assuming you're being 100% honest with yourself about why it happened), then telling your partner will achieve no good and only serve to relieve you of your guilty secret. As long as it was a complete one-off and you don't let it happen again, my advice is to keep it to yourself and learn to live with the guilt.

retro:electro

Man of mystery, he may not have her number stored and even if he doesn't she still has his number, so he must have given it to her and the question is why?

arayess

hatemyself765 wrote: »

OP here,


All of your responses have made for some very difficult reading. I'm still racked with guilt. The girl who I had the one night stand with has texted me looking to meet up again, which I have not responded to. I really want to confess but I know in my heart my wife could never forgive me.

most of the advice you have received here is not aimed at you and does not have your best interest at heart.
It's aimed at the best advice for your wife or the posters notions of a lovely happy fairytale life where all is wonderful and people behave appropriately.

the best advise for you, is to say nothing. It mightn't be the "moral" advice but its the best advice for you.

Why tell her, when you risk the consequences of being turfed out and losing your wife and kids? Only a fool would put himself in that position.
Notwithstanding the foolishness of the initial decision you made but what is done is done.

Even if she doesn't throw you out , the grief will be unreal. You'll never be allowed anywhere on your own again. Forget any more stags and if you do go out you'll have to check in 1000 times a night. This could go on for years.
Nothing is worth that. Your marriage may survive the cheating but will it survive the paranoia and control that will follow?

In my experience people who confess to a ONS behind their partners back are only doing so to alleviate their own guilt. Nothing to do with the good of the partner , they just want forgiveness and to feel better. IMO that's extremely selfish, dumping that crap on your wife. I could understand if it was an affair but a once-off mistake ? nah pure selfish behaviour.

If she finds out from a 3rd party that cannot be helped but it's a better chance to take than actually telling her where she will know 100% what happened.
The risk of somebody telling her is miminal assuming anybody saw you or know what went on. Most people wouldn't drag that ****storm onto themselves. Over time people will forget , they have their own lives to lead.

Suck up the guilt and carry on. That's the price you pay for behaving badly.

If you love your wife you'll put this behind you and be a better husband.
If you don't , then move on without telling her. No need to rub salt in the wounds.

However if you didn't wear a condom though , the onus on her health is more important and you need to come clean.
Otherwise keep you mouth shut and ignore your fancy woman's texts. Don't block her number as they will may move to an "archive" account and be found later. just ignore them .

Colser

anna080 wrote: »

Man of mystery, he may not have her number stored and even if he doesn't she still has his number, so he must have given it to her and the question is why?

Exactly..It obviously wasnt the brief encounter hes making it out to be,Im guessing the num was exchanged the morning after so when did the remorse hit in,on the drive home?:rolleyes: Even the fact that he went to her apt. doesnt add up as a mistake,way too much time there to realise he was making a mistake it sounds like he did exactly what he wanted as he had all night to back out.
OP do you actually regret it or are you more worried your wife will find out?

pookie82

I've been reading this since it started but haven't felt the need to comment until now. There are valid arguments for and against coming clean (apart from the moronic "all men do or would do this, given the chance" rubbish being spouted).

Anyway, if this woman has your number, you're in a more bother than you initially seemed to be. Not sure why or how you gave it to her, that was extremely stupid. Once a number is in your phone if you sync all your apps to your contacts list, you can find that person on everything (FB, snap chat, instagram etc.) So you're completely traceable/contactable to her now. Does she know you're married?

IF you decide not to tell your wife, I'd advise changing your number. Do you want her name popping up on your screen some evening and your wife to glance over and ask "who's that?" Or worse, her using your phone for something and finding this woman's texts/calls?

Because believe me, if it gets to that point, where she sees contact between you guys after the fact, you have nothing to stand on in terms of asking forgiveness, and she has no reason to trust this was a mistaken once off.

I'd change my number pronto if you decide not to tell your wife, electronic gadgets have more of a habit than you know of letting cats like this out of the bag. And you'll have to live with the guilt of lying about the need to do that, too. But that's the web you've spun yourself.

quizzical

Can you please explain how and why the hell you have her number?????

ManOfMystery

Some posters on here seem intent on getting an 'explanation' from the OP as to why he was in that girl's apartment, why he possibly has her number, why this, why that, if it was all a mistake.

Do any of us actually make mistakes when it comes to relationships? A mistake is when you spell a word wrong. When it comes to relationships, we make good or bad decisions and sometimes the weight and gravity of a bad decision often only hits us in the cold light of day - not the night before when there's a party atmosphere, possibly alcohol involved, an attractive member of the opposite sex showing interest in you and all the rest.

I'm in no way justifying the OP's actions - he obviously knows his behaviour was 100% wrong - but I do understand that he could have made a conscious decision to go to the girl's apartment, made a conscious decision to swap numbers, made a conscious decision to have sex - and still realise afterwards just how big an error of judgement he made. Any notion of his actions being premeditated does not preclude us from accepting his word when he says that he feels incredible guilt.

The really important thing is how he moves forward from this. He has to be of the opinion that this was a complete one-off lapse of judgement which will never happen again - anything less than that and he needs to face up to the fact that he's not as invested in his marriage as he thought he was, in which case him and his wife have some serious things to talk over.

LegacyUser

So this girl has your number which implies you didn't play that far away from home which means it wouldn't take much work on her behalf to track you down or for her to know someone that you do.

OP I don't agree with lieing but if this had been an overseas stag where you shagged a stranger and never even exchanged names I'd say live with the guilt and lie your ass off but in this case it's very likely this is going to come out and the only way you've any chance of coming out of it anyway positive is to tell your wife before someone else does. If this comes out a few weeks, months or even years from now you have pretty much no come back. I don't know why and I've never done it and will never do it again just won't work then.

LegacyUser

arayess wrote: »

Why tell her, when you risk the consequences of being turfed out and losing your wife and kids? Only a fool would put himself in that position.
Notwithstanding the foolishness of the initial decision you made but what is done is done.

He CHOOSE to have an affair and therefore MUST deal with the consequences. You're right,what's done is done and now the op must live with the fallout of his poor decisions.

bilbot79

Too much speculation here. I agree with the poster a while back that the op is bring pounced on by a lot of embittered victims and people seeing it only from the wife's point of view

Merkin

bilbot79 wrote: »

Too much speculation here. I agree with the poster a while back that the op is bring pounced on by a lot of embittered victims and people seeing it only from the wife's point of view

If you have a problem with a post then kindly report it rather than pontificating on thread about it please.

arayess

hellofromvenus wrote: »

He CHOOSE to have an affair and therefore MUST deal with the consequences. You're right,what's done is done and now the op must live with the fallout of his poor decisions.

He didn't have an affair , according to the OP it was a once night thing.
but how he deals with it is now his decision.

owning up is not in his best interests and I be interested in anybody who could make a case that it was. There is absolutely no benefit to him.
I'm also intrigued to what you mean by

" therefore MUST deal with the consequences"

Can you elaborate?

Ursus Horribilis

OP in certain circumstances my advice to you would've been to say nothing and move on. I don't think that can apply here, especially now that I read that she has your number. You're depending on the other guys who were in your group to keep shtum and say nothing. Don't think for one moment that they don't all know what happened. Ireland's a very small place and you never can know who knows who. Your problem is that too many people now know. Can you trust them all to keep their mouths shut?

quadrifoglio verde

Tell her, Tell her now. Not next week or next month after giving her a christmas present etc.
The guilt will eat you apart and will end up destroying you and your relationship.

Whatever chance you have of saving your marriage, you have no chance of having a happy marriage in the long run if she doesn't know. You will always be on edge when your friends are over, especially if they're drunk.

You ****ed up. Come clean and you have some chance.

And even if your marriage is ruined, your relationship with your kids will be a hell of a better if your wife knows now and not in two or three years time.

And you have dolly to go back to as well

Ave Sodalis

I agree with Odis. Up until you said that numbers were exchanged, I'd have said say nothing. If I was your wife, or even if my boyfriend did this, I wouldn't want to know. If it was on going, then yes but I would not want to know about one mistake as long as he got tested. If I knew, there's no way I would be able to get over it, and I don't think one mistake should ruin a relationship. However, this is just me and I can only speak for me and not your wife. This is also just when there's small chance of me finding out. You have exchanged numbers though, and that, to me, brings a whole other element into it. It's no longer a small mistake. Giving numbers implies that you considered talking to this person again which is a different ball game.

Clampdown

I don't see any point in making the OP paranoid. Yes Ireland is small and gossippy but just because you want him to get caught out doesn't mean he will or that he should fess up because he might.

OP if you truly feel you made a mistake that you would never do again and want to forget about then tell the girl you slept with just that and she'll probably leave you alone then and you should just move on for the sake of your wife and kids.

If you get found out through other channels then it really will be the same as you telling your wife. I wouldn't be any happier to find out from my partner vs from someone else and I'd rather not know as long as the person felt terrible and realized that they loved me and were committed to being faithful from then on out. Changing your number would only arouse suspicions, don't do that. Just don't make this mistake again. Coming clean will just disrupt the whole household.

Colser

I presume you are going to the wedding if you were at the stag and Im telling you now the stag will be brought up if youre in the company of the lads who were there with you,it will take one hint or joke or knowing look and your wife will be on it like a shot(well I would be) ,it could be a very long day for you.

@clampdown Theres a huge difference between finding out from your partner as opposed to someone else,honestly its TOTALLY different.

Clampdown

quadrifoglio verde wrote: »

Tell her, Tell her now. Not next week or next month after giving her a christmas present etc.
The guilt will eat you apart and will end up destroying you and your relationship.

Whatever chance you have of saving your marriage, you have no chance of having a happy marriage in the long run if she doesn't know. You will always be on edge when your friends are over, especially if they're drunk.

You ****ed up. Come clean and you have some chance.

And even if your marriage is ruined, your relationship with your kids will be a hell of a better if your wife knows now and not in two or three years time.

And you have dolly to go back to as well

No, the relationship will be instantly severely damaged the minute she finds out. Possibly destroyed. If she doesn't find out and the OP never does it again, then he will have to live with the guilt but his wife won't be hurt. The damage will be mostly done to himself by his own conscience.

I highly doubt his friends are going to come over and after a few sups blurt out 'Hey remember that time you cheated on your wife!'

And finally, most importantly, his relationship with his kids will be totally ruined if they find out their father cheated! They are probably less likely to forgive then the wife. When I found out my Dad cheated on my Mom I hated him even more than I did for his other abusive behaviors. Even if they don't find out exactly why, if the marriage breaks up because of this they will be damaged forever.

I'm sorry but I totally disagree with you on all counts. I can understand some people HATE to think that this guy will get away scot free with what he did, but it really is the best case scenario as long as he is committed to never cheating again for the duration of his marriage. Right now all the pain from this is in OP's head (and it sounds like he does feel guilty). Coming clean will only spread the pain around to people who don't deserve it. Wanting him to get caught out and be punished is understandable but is it going to do any good to his kids or his wife? Probably not.

Colser

Its nothing to do with him being found out and punished its to do with a woman who is living with someone who isnt who she thinks he is and its totally wrong. Think about it,if your husband cheated on you wouldnt you want to know and as an adult make an informed decision about what you want to do about your relationship?
Remember that he knows ,the woman he cheated with knows and Im sure that lads on the stag arent blind or stupid and their partners no doubt will be told so why should his wife be the only one in the dark?

Ann84

Some women would like to know the person they are married to, the OP knows his wife is one of those women as she has already articulated her feelings about cheating...
And guess what, he then cheated!
Yes, it will cause issues in the short term but by being honest, they have a chance to fix things, together as a couple. Not all cheating ends in divorce but living a lie could be equally if not more damaging...

Not all kids find out why their parents separate and they may not even seperate and even if they did it may not be the worst thing considering the OPs behaviour. There is something behind why he did what he did, but that doesn't give him a right to lie about it

Ave Sodalis

Colser wrote:

Think about it,if your husband cheated on you wouldnt you want to know and as an adult make an informed decision about what you want to do about your relationship? Remember that he knows ,the woman he cheated with knows and Im sure that lads on the stag arent blind or stupid and their partners no doubt will be told so why should his wife be the only one in the dark?

Honestly, if it was just the one time and that was it, I wouldn't want to know. That's me though and evidently not everyone else, which is why I don't think it's much use trying to tell the OP what his wife would want when we are completely clueless.

Clampdown

Colser wrote: »

I presume you are going to the wedding if you were at the stag and Im telling you now the stag will be brought up if youre in the company of the lads who were there with you,it will take one hint or joke or knowing look and your wife will be on it like a shot(well I would be) ,it could be a very long day for you.

@clampdown Theres a huge difference between finding out from your partner as opposed to someone else,honestly its TOTALLY different.

Yes, there is a difference, but to me one is not miles better than the other the way some suggest. Fessing up would imply that you want your partner to know that you are so unhappy with the relationship that you did this and that the issues at hand need to be dealt with to move on, and in many cases this will still result in the ending of the relationship. Why would you tell if you really love your wife and want to remain faithful forevermore?

Again, the first part of your post is aimed at making the OP paranoid and suggesting he is likely to get caught, and I think really you are just transferring your desire for him to get caught. If one of the lads from the stag wants to joke about the incident they won't do it right in front of the wife. For the very reason you stated, women are too sharp. No one wants to get involved in another's marital problems for the sake of a sly dig. Unless someone who dislikes the OP or is very good friends with the wife knows then they are not likely to get involved and expose him in the middle of a wedding.

I don't get the 'I need to know who I'm married to'. Every married person is married to another human being, all of whom who are capable of making mistakes and doing the wrong thing. Unless he is a serial cheater than it would only make things worse for everyone involved for it to come out. It's a crappy thing but it will not be one bit helpful for the wife to know if it is truly a once off, it will just destroy her trust and make her suspicious forever which will not help the marriage.

Ann84

sup_dude wrote: »

Honestly, if it was just the one time and that was it, I wouldn't want to know. That's me though and evidently not everyone else, which is why I don't think it's much use trying to tell the OP what his wife would want when we are completely clueless.

How would you ever know it was a one night thing? How could you trust someone who would do it once and lie to your face to not do it again or even trust that the person felt badly enough about it?
What if it was a one time thing, until it happened a second time, would you want to know then? And would you want to know it wasn't the first time then?

How would you fix it, if a person doesn't come clean the first time, they never will. If a person can live with that kind of lie once, why would they ever tell the truth?

I couldn't imagine living a lie like that, or wanting to live with a lier like that...

Ave Sodalis

Ann84 wrote:

How would you ever know it was a one night thing? How could you trust someone who would do it once and lie to your face to not do it again or even trust that the person felt badly enough about it? What if it was a one time thing, until it happened a second time, would you want to know then? And would you want to know it wasn't the first time then?

Well to be honest, I would trust my boyfriend not to do it the first time. They wouldn't be lying to my face if I didn't want to know. Yes, I would want to know if it happened a second time or if, as in the OP, they exchanged numbers because that, to me, means that there's something more going on than a mistake. If I know about it, then I know it wasn't the first time. You see to me, there is no coming back from cheating. That is the relationship ruined, and possibly years thrown down the toilet for one mistake. I also don't think an entire relationship should be ruined based on one mistake but I personally, wouldn't be able to move past it. I would rather remain blissfully ignorant of it.

You don't have to agree with me, that's completely fine but I know there are others that do and I don't think it's fair to assume we know the wife's mind. We can only offer what we would do, not put it as though you speak universally for all women.

Clampdown

Ann84 wrote: »

How would you ever know it was a one night thing? How could you trust someone who would do it once and lie to your face to not do it again or even trust that the person felt badly enough about it?
What if it was a one time thing, until it happened a second time, would you want to know then? And would you want to know it wasn't the first time then?

How would you fix it, if a person doesn't come clean the first time, they never will. If a person can live with that kind of lie once, why would they ever tell the truth?

I couldn't imagine living a lie like that, or wanting to live with a lier like that...

That reaction is exactly why he shouldn't tell. It will ruin the trust and probably ruin the marriage. We can only assume it was a one time thing that the OP feels guilty about and doesn't plan on doing again. If not then I would hope he gets caught too or just gets a divorce. Basically you would want to know so you could leave the guy, right? That might not be what OP's wife would want or what is best for her and the kids.

Colser

Clampdown wrote: »

Yes, there is a difference, but to me one is not miles better than the other the way some suggest. Fessing up would imply that you want your partner to know that you are so unhappy with the relationship that you did this and that the issues at hand need to be dealt with to move on, and in many cases this will still result in the ending of the relationship. Why would you tell if you really love your wife and want to remain faithful forevermore?

Again, the first part of your post is aimed at making the OP paranoid and suggesting he is likely to get caught, and I think really you are just transferring your desire for him to get caught. If one of the lads from the stag wants to joke about the incident they won't do it right in front of the wife. For the very reason you stated, women are too sharp. No one wants to get involved in another's marital problems for the sake of a sly dig. Unless someone who dislikes the OP or is very good friends with the wife knows then they are not likely to get involved and expose him in the middle of a wedding.

We will agree to disagree Clampdown.
Im not transferring anything but what I will say is if theres any chance of his wife finding out he has a better chance of staying together if he is the first to tell her.

That girl has his name and number and Im guessing his friends know so thats a chance he will have to take.Ive seen these things come to light years after the fact so it will always be at the back of his mind anyway.

Ann84

Clampdown wrote: »

Basically you would want to know so you could leave the guy, right? That might not be what OP's wife would want or what is best for her and the kids.

No!! I would want to know so I could work with my partner, to find out why it happened, try to fix it and try to move on... How could we fix something in our relationship if I didn't even know there was a problem!
As bad a cheater is, someone who could lie to my face I could never share my life with, it is the worst betrayal!

I speak from experience, my now fiancé (boyfriend at the time!) cheated on me years ago, we talked and talked and talked and cried and talked and shouted and cried and talked some more... We talked about why it happened, our fears, what had led to it, whether our relationship was right for him, or me or both of us, we talked about trust, if it would happen again and whether WE wanted to stay together.
2 years later we are engaged, I completely trust him, I trust him because he came clean and I saw the pain he felt nearly ruining things. And it just so happens I would have found out if he didn't tell me as I knew the girl through people.
I sometimes think if he hadn't told me how many people would have known behind my back and probably pitied me. Because he came clean and I had the chance to forgive him myself, I hold my head high when I see that girl (which I do!) and I don't even feel bad about it anymore.
He made a choice and I got my choice, he made a mistake but came clean.
If the relationship had ended it would have been for the right reasons too but at least we still had a relationship to save because both of us were still in it to save.
Lying to his wife removes her from their marriage, she is on the outside and doesn't even know it, but he will and it will change the relationship but she won't know why!
It's a marriage, they have even more to consider and it is unlikely she would pack his bags, it is hard to separate and complicated. If he wants to save his relationship, he should trust her to give him a chance to explain and hope that they are strong enough to work through it...

Ps - I also got cheated on and lied to in a previous relationship so I know how much that sucks when your the last one to know... It's horrible

Eeden

Clampdown wrote: »

That reaction is exactly why he shouldn't tell. It will ruin the trust and probably ruin the marriage. We can only assume it was a one time thing that the OP feels guilty about and doesn't plan on doing again. If not then I would hope he gets caught too or just gets a divorce. Basically you would want to know so you could leave the guy, right? That might not be what OP's wife would want or what is best for her and the kids.

The trust has been ruined already, even if the OP's partner doesn't realise it yet. It is now an unbalanced and unfair relationship. He feels that she still trusts him; he knows that she is wrong to do so. Something very fundamental in the relationship has been damaged.

LegacyUser

arayess wrote: »

He didn't have an affair , according to the OP it was a once night thing.
but how he deals with it is now his decision.

owning up is not in his best interests and I be interested in anybody who could make a case that it was. There is absolutely no benefit to him.
I'm also intrigued to what you mean by

" therefore MUST deal with the consequences"

Can you elaborate?

OK. ...he cheated,had an affair? They are the same thing when it boils down to it.
And yes, I can elaborate although I feel my post was clear. He made a conscious choice to sleep with another women and now he has to face the music,like an adult?
You say he has nothing to gain from telling the truth,how about not living a lie? Looking your wife in the face everyday and straight out lying? It's completely disrespectful and adds insult to injury. You may not agree but I think the op(in the long run) will be glad he choose to tell her himself rather than living in fear one day she will find out from an external factor

LegacyUser

ColumnAutofit wrote: »

It will be far worse if he tells her.

And even worse if she finds out for someone else.

I'd tell him to lie if he's shagged a stranger and not even exchanged real names but he gave her his phone number...what else has he told her? Did she know any of the other lads out with him that night? There's far too many outside forces the OP can't control. So his choices are come clean and work on saving the relationship or take the risk on not saying anything and maybe it never comes out but maybe it does and it's very hard to tell someone it was a one off and meant nothing if it's months or even years later and the OP tired to hide it.

cbyrd

hellofromvenus wrote:

OK. ...he cheated,had an affair? They are the same thing when it boils down to it. And yes, I can elaborate although I feel my post was clear. He made a conscious choice to sleep with another women and now he has to face the music,like an adult? You say he has nothing to gain from telling the truth,how about not living a lie?

I don't agree.
Having an affair implies that there are emotional factors involved too. There may be a chance that the person has fallen in love/lust with another person who is not their partner.
A one night stand is emotionless and for the majority, at best a quick thrill especially if the other person is a stranger.
I have always felt that it is easier to forgive a sexual affair than an emotional one. I think it's more dangerous and harder to walk away from someone you have strong feelings for than a quick ride after a night out.
I wouldn't understand why the OP has this other woman's number. That would smack of 'well maybe I can get away with it/hedge my bets ' kind of behaviour.
Op you need to examine your conscience.
Why was it so easy to have sex with the other woman.?
Why would you tell your wife?
Why would you not tell her?
Why do you still have the other woman's phone number?
What would you hope to gain by coming clean? Forgiveness and work on the marriage? Or, separation?
It's not clear cut for any married couple who go through these difficulties. You don't know what your wife's reaction will be when faced with the truth that you were unfaithful.
We all think that we'd take the moral high ground, I would have thought that about myself too, at one time.
When you have invested years of emotions and children in one person, there is no reason why with a lot of work that you can work it out.
Only you know your wife and your marriage.
Only you can make the ultimate decision as to whether you are up for a world of hurt and able to overcome it.
This s different as you are not in love with this other woman so realistically there is no competition for your love.
Think long and hard, morally we would all love to have a perfect relationship, but it rarely happens. There's always ups and downs.
Good luck with your decision good or bad, it's yours to live with, I don't envy you.

LegacyUser

What happens if the girl you slept with continues to contact you or has found out your second name, discovers you are married and then decides to tell your wife or confronts you? This could also happen OP.

How would you feel if your wife slept with another guy? would you like to be lied to? would you like to find out second hand?

Also get an std test for the love of god, not all stds are prevented by condoms.

You cheated on your wife OP, its time to deal with it, be an adult, deal with it, tell her. She deserves the truth.... If this is gnawing away at you, I can guarantee that your wife knows something is up.

CaraMay

Think of the kids people!!!!!!

He made a huge mistake but it's going to wreck his entire family if he comes clean - that means his kids.

I think you don't tell her, not for your sake, for your kids sake. You might get caught out and if you do you have to deal with it. As long as you know this is only a once off then keep schtum.