I Cheated on my Wife

retro:electro

CaraMay wrote: »

Think of the kids people!!!!!!

He made a huge mistake but it's going to wreck his entire family if he comes clean - that means his kids.

I think you don't tell her, not for your sake, for your kids sake. You might get caught out and if you do you have to deal with it. As long as you know this is only a once off then keep schtum.

He should have thought about his kids before he went and shagged some young one just for kicks

CaraMay

anna080 wrote: »

He should have thought about his kids before he went and shagged some young one just for kicks

In an ideal world. Your view is very naive. This goes beyond him and her.

Ann84

CaraMay wrote: »

Think of the kids people!!!!!!

He made a huge mistake but it's going to wreck his entire family if he comes clean - that means his kids.

While I agree the kids should be considered, I don't think the fact that they have kids is a reason to lie to his wife, nor is having kids a good reason to stay in an unhappy relationship.

Kids survive amicable seperation much better than living with both parents in an unhappy and dysfunctional relationship

Besides, there is nothing guaranteeing the marriage will end if he comes clean. There is as much a chance they sort it out if he is 110% honest.

retro:electro

CaraMay wrote: »

In an ideal world. Your view is very naive. This goes beyond him and her.

And you think him lying and covering this whole thing up is going to help the kids? How exactly will it help them if it ever comes out and they learn that their dad is not only a cheater but a liar too? I think its your view that is the naive one if you think all of this can be just swept under the carpet, life doesn't work like that.

trixychic

anna080 wrote: »

He should have thought about his kids before he went and shagged some young one just for kicks

He has already admitted he made a mistake. Your comment is way to harsh imo. It was a one night spur of the moment thing.

If my OH cheated and felt as bad as you op I would hope that I would be able to work on it with him. After many yrs of love and dedication it would be worth being honest. I'm very anti cheating too... and I can't tell you exactly what will happen or even how I would react. I know she will be angry but you may be able to work through it.

Who knows. It could even bring you closer together.

CaraMay

anna080 wrote: »

And you think him lying and covering this whole thing up is going to help the kids? How exactly will it help them if it ever comes out and they learn that their dad is not only a cheater but a liar too?

You would need to be a total villain to tell kids their father cheated. This is between him and his wife at most. Their job is to protect the kids and not drab them into their dramas.

Ann84

CaraMay wrote: »

You would need to be a total villain to tell kids their father cheated. This is between him and his wife at most. Their job is to protect the kids and not drab them into their dramas.

So what does having kids have to do with telling his wife he cheated?
They should both be mature enough to work it out without inviolvung the kids!

stevowhelo1

A wise man once told me that the trust it lost in an event like this and that relationship will never be the same again

CaraMay

Ann84 wrote: »

So what does having kids have to do with telling his wife he cheated?
They should both be mature enough to work it out without inviolvung the kids!

But she won't be by the sounds of it

Regardless of whether his telling her will destroy the family, he has put himself in an unbelievably bad position. There's still the fact that more than likely someone else saw them leave together and is smart enough to put two and two together. The OP is going to have this over their head. Then the fact that she has his number. There's so many ways that the OP can be identified through this alone now.

retro:electro

CaraMay wrote: »

You would need to be a total villain to tell kids their father cheated. This is between him and his wife at most. Their job is to protect the kids and not drab them into their dramas.

Cara may I think it's you who has naive perception here not me. Kids aren't stupid. When mammy kicks daddy out because she found out he's a lying cheating scumbag, this info could come at anytime, anywhere, she may be in the middle of Xmas shopping with the kids, on a night out with friends, at mass.. Wherever! and she has to react to that news accordingly...how do you think that will effect them? Or daddy could confess to mammy, privately and in his own time. Admit he fcuked up, ask for forgiveness, counselling, whatever it takes. Then mammy makes a sensible, informed decision and they move from there. I know for me which one sounds better for the kids.

The op can't choose when his wife may find out, but he can choose when he may want to tell her. He has lost control of the situation completely and by telling his wife he will be taking it back.

PressRun

People keep referring to this as a "mistake". In what world is flirting with someone, leaving with them, going back to their place, kissing, taking off clothes, having sex and then giving them your number the following morning a "mistake"? Not to mention he did all of this in a totally clear-headed manner. That's not a mistake. The OP needs to examine why he chose to do this, and somewhere deep down he knows why he did it. Own your actions and take responsibility rather than trying to absolve yourself under the excuse of "it was a mindless mistake". People don't do things for no reason.

bilbot79

One of the things people have suggested again and again is that the op has to get an std test. He doesn't, that's just another way to pile guilt and blame on him by people who hate him for what he did. There's no more requirement for him to get an std test than for anybody that had sex with anybody for the first time ever

Taltos

Mod note
Bilbot79

Don't post to this thread again, this is you last chance in this forum.
PI has a certain expectation of the quality of advice given, and whether you are choosing to ignore that or are just not getting it can I suggest you take some time to browse other threads here before posting again in PI. Otherwise having already received an infraction the next mod action has to be a forum ban.

screamer

OP sounds like you're really sorry for what you did but really there's some motivation that caused you to do this and that is what you need to figure out.

I agree with others here you were missed from that stag night probably some of the guys saw you leaving with her and it's easy that that news will get to your wife.

You know her better than anyone and deep down you know the best approach to take.

LegacyUser

A few things to say.

A lot of people seem to want to massively exaggerate, in my opinion, the chances this is going to come out even if you don't tell her. I really don't know what they're basing that on.

All anyone knows is you left at the same time as a girl you had talked to, that's it, so that's all anyone that was there could say. No one went back to her place with you two and sat on the bed and watched you have sex, right? Of course not. All anyone knows is you walked out the door at the same time. And probably a very very small number of people even noticed that.

Will they say? Almost certainly not. First of all, it's a bucks party, people don't run off telling tales. That's part of the deal.
Second of all, there has been dozens of threads on here, with people asking if they should let someone know thier partner was cheating, 90% of the advice is to not get involved, it's none of your business. 99% of the time the person starting the thread agrees. Even when the person is conflicted about telling, almost all the time they won't, for many many reasons.

Thirdly, will the girl track you down by Facebook, or start constantly ringing you at 2am? Well, did she ask you a lot if you liked boiled rabbit? Did she have pentagrams burned into her carpet? Did she seem like a psycho?
You had a one night stand with some woman. If she doesn't hear from you, or you don't reply to a text from her, she won't think about it for half a second again. It's par for the course. Just go into the app store and download one of the apps that let you block specific numbers. Block her. If she tries to get in touch, which she probably won't as she'll be waiting for you to first, then the message won't go through or the call won't ring, and she'll think either you fake numbered her, or she took it down wrong or whatever, and that will be that, she'll forget about it forever and move on.

So the odds of your wife ever finding out, other than by you telling her, are miniscule to the point of non-existence.

If you tell her she will know. If you don't she never will. That's the actual situation you have to deal with.

With that in mind you have two choices.

Tell her. You know better than people here how that will end up. But odds are with her heart broken and the marriage gone. Divorce.

Dont tell her. Her heart unbroken, marriage still in play, and you to spend the rest of your life being a better husband than you were that night and making her happy.

Dont be stupid.

retro:electro

^^ What happens if he's out with the wife and kids perhaps doing a spot of Christmas shopping and bumps into this young one? I think it's very presumptuous of you to say he will never ever encounter or hear from her again. The op doesn't say where they stag took place, but it could even have been in his own town or a town nearby.

pookie82

anna080 wrote: »

^^ What happens if he's out with the wife and kids perhaps doing a spot of Christmas shopping and bumps into this young one? I think it's very presumptuous of you to say he will never ever encounter or hear from her again. The op doesn't say where they stag took place, but it could even have been in his own town or a town nearby.

Just to clarify ... the OP didn't say it was a stag as far as I can see? He called it a "buck's night out", which I would read as a lads' night out, but maybe I'm missing something ... is a "buck's night out" slang for a stag?

If it wasn't a stag, and just a boys' night, I'm assuming it was local enough, which makes his predicament a little worse in terms of running into her again, unless he's living in Dublin or a large city (although you'd be surprised, even in a city, at the likeliness of that).

retro:electro

pookie82 wrote: »

Just to clarify ... the OP didn't say it was a stag as far as I can see? He called it a "buck's night out", which I would read as a lads' night out, but maybe I'm missing something ... is a "buck's night out" slang for a stag?

If it wasn't a stag, and just a boys' night, I'm assuming it was local enough, which makes his predicament a little worse in terms of running into her again, unless he's living in Dublin or a large city (although you'd be surprised, even in a city, at the likeliness of that).

I was always under the impression that Bucks night out was just another colloquial term for stag night. Aussies tend to call it a bucks night instead of stag

LegacyUser

anna080 wrote: »

^^ What happens if he's out with the wife and kids perhaps doing a spot of Christmas shopping and bumps into this young one? I think it's very presumptuous of you to say he will never ever encounter or hear from her again. The op doesn't say where they stag took place, but it could even have been in his own town or a town nearby.

In the unlikely event that this woman who it is clear from the OP that he has never met before in the whole rest of his life, happens to wander up face to face with him and his wife and kids, or accidently gets hired over the phone to be thier new nanny, or some other American soap opera style coincidence comes into play? Then what will happen is - absolutely nothing. She'll stop for a moment and think "is that that guy from that night?" then she'll go about her day. What do you think will happen? She will approach this woman she doesn't know and say "Sorry for interrupting your family day out, but I'm pretty sure I had sex with this man that appears to be your husband a number of weeks ago. I just thought you should know."

Nope sorry. I understand that people really want to believe in this version of the world where karma or whatever hunts down people that have cheated and exposes them through a series of unlikely events, like happens on Coronation St. But it's the real world. 99%+ of these instances never come out, and are resigned to history and forgotten about forever. It might not seem fair to people, it might make them stress out about the fact that yes, thier partner may have cheated in them before and they will never ever know it, but life isn't fair.

retro:electro

Thinkcarefuly wrote: »

In the unlikely event that this woman who it is clear from the OP that he has never met before in the whole rest of his life, happens to wander up face to face with him and his wife and kids, or accidently gets hired over the phone to be thier new nanny, or some other American soap opera style coincidence comes into play? Then what will happen is - absolutely nothing. She'll stop for a moment and think "is that that guy from that night?" then she'll go about her day. What do you think will happen? She will approach this woman she doesn't know and say "Sorry for interrupting your family day out, but I'm pretty sure I had sex with this man that appears to be your husband a number of weeks ago. I just thought you should know."

Nope sorry. I understand that people really want to believe in this version of the world where karma or whatever hunts down people that have cheated and exposes them through a series of unlikely events, like happens on Coronation St. But it's the real world. 99%+ of these instances never come out, and are resigned to history and forgotten about forever. It might not seem fair to people, it might make them stress out about the fact that yes, thier partner may have cheated in them before and they will never ever know it, but life isn't fair.

it doesn't matter that he had never met her prior to this, sure she was unrecognisable to him anyway. We pass people everyday on the street, strangers, but it's not until we formally encounter them that we thus recognise them outside of that. I'd disagree with your 99% never getting found out, and even if he doesn't get found out that's not the point, the wife should know the situation.
And if they're out and about and she spots him, of course she's not going to come up to him and say "hey, remember me? I'm the girl you shagged", and that's not what I was suggesting, but she could come up and say hello, or even give him a passing smile, which could set off alarm bells for his wife and get her questioning. For me, none of those circumstances are outside the bounds of possibility.

blue note

anna080 wrote: »

it doesn't matter that he had never met her prior to this, sure she was unrecognisable to him anyway. We pass people everyday on the street, strangers, but it's not until we formally encounter them that we thus recognise them outside of that. I'd disagree with your 99% never getting found out, and even if he doesn't get found out that's not the point, the wife should know the situation.
And if they're out and about and she spots him, of course she's not going to come up to him and say "hey, remember me? I'm the girl you shagged", and that's not what I was suggesting, but she could come up and say hello, or even give him a passing smile, which could set off alarm bells for his wife and get her questioning. For me, none of those circumstances are outside the bounds of possibility.

A girl says hello or gives him a passing smile and the wife cops it? That's not going to happen. It's simply not.

retro:electro

blue note wrote: »

A girl says hello or gives him a passing smile and the wife cops it? That's not going to happen. It's simply not.

A young girl, much younger than the op. The wife may question it, what then? More lies? Look all I'm saying is if the op is going to keep quiet about this he has to accept the fact that he's going to be a very paranoid and guilty person as a result.

meeeeh

That's true but there is always consequence when you do something you shouldn't. I wouldn't worry about the 'other' woman. It's the friends and their gossip that usually causes trouble. But if there is good chance they won't talk then I would stay quiet. Ignorance is a bliss.

screamer

If it was a stag then i guess all the guys there will be going to the wedding with their partners it takes one drunken remark and you're busted.

Anyway has the op updated this post at all since the first post?

LegacyUser

OP here,


I've been thinking a lot, about what to do next and why I did what I did. I've no intention of seeing this woman again. Why it happened?- I was blown away by her confidence- she approached me and chatted me up, I was 'drunk' on the excitement. None of the lads are aware that I left with her.


I did a terrible thing and the guilt has not left me, but I know if I fess up my wife won't forgive. I never want to do something like this again. I am a complete and utter fool. My kids mean EVERYTHING to me, don't want them to suffer in any way, ever. I can't sleep at all. I'm not looking for sympathy, just describing how I am.

ElleEm

Have you thought about how you would feel if the tables were turned and your wife slept with a really hot, confident man and gave him her number?

Ann84

Op, I feel sorry for your wife.
You don't seem to love her, in your posts, you mention loving your kids, not your wife in your last post.
The only reason you seem to not want to tell her is because she'll end the marriage and that your relationship with your kids will be damaged - that is not fair to her. She should have that choice as you did! You knew how she felt about cheating and you did it anyway!!!

If you don't love your wife, you should separate anyway, she deserves better than to be a front to facilitate your idea of family life.
You don't have to tell her you cheated (besides its too late now to come clean, too much time has passed) but I suggest you really think about how much of that guilt is felt for your wife, or kids or is it fear more than guilt.

You will do it again if you don't love your wife, and I really am not sure I believe you do based on your posts. I also can't fathom lying to the person you love most in the world! You shouldn't be sleeping, you've a lot to think about.

zeffabelli

hatemyself765 wrote: »

OP here,


I've been thinking a lot, about what to do next and why I did what I did. I've no intention of seeing this woman again. Why it happened?- I was blown away by her confidence- she approached me and chatted me up, I was 'drunk' on the excitement. None of the lads are aware that I left with her.


I did a terrible thing and the guilt has not left me, but I know if I fess up my wife won't forgive. I never want to do something like this again. I am a complete and utter fool. My kids mean EVERYTHING to me, don't want them to suffer in any way, ever. I can't sleep at all. I'm not looking for sympathy, just describing how I am.

You better figure it out.

What happened? You put your ego before your family.

I don't know if you love you wife or not or what is going on.... but you made a choice....

She mightn't forgive you , but that's her choice to make.

eviltwin

In fairness OP it's easy to use that excuse for just about anything. But you do seem genuinely remorseful. I hope you sincerely do see that a quick shag isn't worth breaking your family up over. I hope you can move forward and put your energy into being the best husband and father you can be. If you continue to let this eat away at you you're wife will notice something is up. And don't confide in your friends, these things have a habit of getting out.

retro:electro

All I'm getting is the op is afraid and sorry he may lose his kids, not sorry for betraying his wife.

Ursus Horribilis

All you can do is say nothing and hope nobody else opens their mouth. That's what it boils down to, isn't it? I'd not be so worried about the young lady you slept with - she'll most likely take the hint because you ignored her text. Hopefully the guys in your group are of the "what happens on the stag stays on the stag" types.

screamer

[quote= Hopefully the guys in your group are of the "what happens on the stag stays on the stag" types.[/quote]
lovely isn't that just lovely honour amongst thieves and all that........

OP good luck with your life I know that I couldn't live with the guilt. If you happen to be out again and some pretty female approaches you tell them you're gay that should stop the sneaking off to have sex thoughts in its tracks.

AsianIrish

you said you love your wife and have children, please be wise and do not tell her. However, promise yourself you won't do it again and as a gratitude do not ever go out on this particular night ever. It will help believe me. I am against the advice people give OP here to tell your wife. No way!

you will destroy the lives of others if you do.

j72twr6f4e5ako

hatemyself765 wrote: »

I've been thinking a lot, about what to do next and why I did what I did. I've no intention of seeing this woman again. Why it happened?- I was blown away by her confidence- she approached me and chatted me up, I was 'drunk' on the excitement. None of the lads are aware that I left with her.

My concern is for your wife's sexual health if you don't have an std test after sleeping with this woman. You owe your wife that as a minimum regardless of whether you choose to be honest about what happened or not. I hope you have already or will quickly take this step.

Dog day

I've been following this thread & felt compelled to post for the first time ever here! I truly believe that the OP seems genuinely contrite about what he's done.

OP....you made a bad decision...that's clear, but we're all human & we all make mistakes. For what it's worth I think the best course of action now is to move on from this by being the best husband & father that you can be. Telling your wife will only deeply hurt her & damage the family unit far more than you keeping it to yourself & moving on from this, accepting that you made a mistake & promising yourself that you'll never be in a situation like this again.

From reading your posts I don't think it seems that there are deeper issues here, I do however believe that you were blinded by flattery & lust. Dealing with the guilt is going to be punishing enough.

I think the chances of this coming out are slim but that is a risk you have to take for the sake of trying to keep your family.

Attractive strangers are 'two a penny'! A wonderful partner & kids ain't!

I wish you & your family well and hope that you can move on from this & treasure each day with them.

Heat_Wave

This thread is just incredibly depressing.

The amount of people advising the OP to say nothing and to just suddenly become 'the most loving husband and best father he can be'.

It is just sick.

Imagine if society as a whole were to adopt this approach, then every man and woman in a marriage can go off, sleep with someone else, with the thought 'ah sure I'll just give himself/herself extra hugs tomorrow to make up for my shameful behaviour'. It's bizarre to think this is OK.

Why on earth even bother getting married if this belief is in place?

OP, I really hope you come clean with your wife. It is so unfair to hide this from her. If you choose not to, and somehow manage to live with the guilt, then tbh you mustn't feel any guilt in the first place because living with such guilt would be a horrible way to live.

Micky Dolenz

Some of the reactions here. you'd swear you cheated on them.

Say nothing and keep saying it. So what, you slept with a woman who wasn't your wife, hardly crime of the century. You didn't kill anyone.

Long tern relationships are hard and it's understandable that temptation creeps in, of course, it's ones place to resist such temptation but we do make mistakes.

Put this behind you and move on with your life. The chances of your wife finding out are very very low. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Dog day

Nobody is saying any of this is 'ok' but life also isn't black & white. People are flawed, we all make bad decisions.

It's now about damage control & in my opinion the OP not telling his wife & trying to move on from this for the sake of his family is by far the lesser of two evils. There are children involved, why tear their lives apart over one foolish mistake?

From the OP's posts it's clear that this was a one night stand, a mistake which he now regrets. I truly believe telling his wife & risking tearing his family apart is the wrong course of action. No good can come from such a disclosure.

OP, good luck with whatever you decide to do.

zeffabelli

Dog day wrote: »

Nobody is saying any of this is 'ok' but life also isn't black & white. People are flawed, we all make bad decisions.

It's now about damage control & in my opinion the OP not telling his wife & trying to move on from this for the sake of his family is by far the lesser of two evils. There are children involved, why tear their lives apart over one foolish mistake?

From the OP's posts it's clear that this was a one night stand, a mistake which he now regrets. I truly believe telling his wife & risking tearing his family apart is the wrong course of action. No good can come from such a disclosure.

OP, good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Yeah but secrets have a way of eating at things....

CaliforniaDream

Nobody can force you to tell your wife and nobody can predict what she'll do if you did tell her.
But personally, I'd want to know so I can make the choice whether or not to continue the relationship. I don't think someone who cheats should get that choice. That's only what I would want. My husband cheated on me and I had that 'gut feeling'. I walked away from the marriage. I lost all trust and respect for him and the thought of ever being with him again disgusts me. But I'm so much happier now and I know it was the right choice for me. It would have been so much worse had I found out in a few years time.
Again, this is all based on my feelings and opinion but I do think your wife deserves an ounce of respect from you and you should tell her. Don't make a fool of her as well.

trixychic

Op you have heard every argument from both sides now. You posted this 6 days ago. If your gonna tell her... just do it. If not??? Then don't. I doubt you'll get much more clarity. Every possible angle has been looked at here. Good luck with what ever you decide.

Ave Sodalis

Heat_Wave wrote:

OP, I really hope you come clean with your wife. It is so unfair to hide this from her. If you choose not to, and somehow manage to live with the guilt, then tbh you mustn't feel any guilt in the first place because living with such guilt would be a horrible way to live.

What if the wife is the type of person who wouldn't want to know about a once of?

Sound Bite

Can't believe the amount of people saying say nothing.

Marriage is optional. Don't sign up to it if you want to continue to shag other people. It's a free choice.

It's an absolutely pathetic individual who will prioritise a shagging a stranger over their partner and children.

Lying the first time is the hardest part but once he gets away with it. It's easier do it a second time.

LegacyUser

Completely agree with heat wave and sound bite. The op had a choice to get married and a choice to be unfaithful. Yes, people make mistakes but him not telling her is just added to his mistake.
I honestly feel so sad for people whose partners think that it's not big deal. If you feel like that I don't see why you got married in the first place

Heat_Wave

Sound Bite wrote: »

Lying the first time is the hardest part but once he gets away with it. It's easier do it a second time.

This.

This is exactly my point. I would put money on it that the OP will do this again down the line. He said himself, he was sober at the time.

I am not attacking you OP, you asked for advice and this is my advice. Fair enough we all make mistakes. It takes courage to acknowledge your mistakes. You fcuked up big time, the only way of making amends for this is to come clean and face the consequences like a real man. If you choose not to, then you really deserve all the worst luck in the world and my heart goes out to your poor wife and children.

sup_dude wrote: »

What if the wife is the type of person who wouldn't want to know about a once of?

That is a very strange response to my post.

I don't know any woman that wouldn't want to know that their husband sh*gged another woman.

Ave Sodalis

Heat_Wave wrote:

I don't know any woman that wouldn't want to know that their husband sh*gged another woman.

See post 92

meeeeh

And there is nothing wrong with that. Humans developed great coping mechanisms avoiding to find out things, so we don't need to deal with them. History and our every day life is littered with examples.

magneticimpulse

What's to say you won't be blown away by another equally confident good looking woman? There is plenty of them out there on nights out. The seal is broken so to say, how will you have self control next time?

If you got away with it this time...what's not to say you might try it again OP? Only next time you will know how easy it's been to hide it?

I would question if you actually love your wife as its not the norm to go out and cheat, no matter what the circumstance or how blown away you were.

Ursus Horribilis

Yes but what's to say he will be tempted again? I get the impression from the OP that he's genuinely remorseful. I'm not condoning what he did. But if he 'fesses up he stands to lose his marriage and cause upheaval in his kids lives. That's why I'm on the "don't tell" side of the house. Of course there is risk. People talk and none of us can know what the lads on the stag will do or not do. It's a risk.