I Cheated on my Wife

LegacyUser

I've read the whole thread and I'm going to try an add a slightly different perspective. So for what it's worth here my contribution.

I'm male, in my 40's and have been married 17 years and have three kids. I travel a quite a bit, nationally and internationally, for work. I'm sociable and generally find it easy to make conversation even with complete strangers. I'm not overweight and I guess I'd be described as handsome. I'm also a fully functioning, red-blooded male that truly appreciates the female form. In the past 17 years I've had more opportunities for one night stands than I would ever have imagined possible in my younger days. And I've capitalised on those opportunities exactly zero times.

I don't say this to judge you OP, or to make you feel bad etc. (although I'm happy to add a little balance to the 'all men cheat' statements). I say it just to give you the context of where I'm coming from.

Despite the temptation, easy of opportunity and almost absolute certainty of being able to get away with it, I've never cheated. And my only explanation that I come up with is simply because I love my wife. My love for her has always driven me to extract myself (sober or drunk) from each and every one of those situations. And if there ever comes a time that I no longer love my wife. I will know this has happen because that will be the day that I will give in to the temptation.

And I would hope that should that ever occur that I would be man enough and posses the decency to do the right thing and tell her. We may be able to rebuild our love or, more likely, it may be over completely but without telling her I know that I would never be capable of truly being in love with her again. Because everything from that point on would be based on a lie.

But it's a definite possibility that I wouldn't tell her. But what would drive me not to? Well if I were to be completely honest about it, I don't think it would be because I discovered the morning after that no, that was a mistake I really do love my wife. I would say that it would likely be out of fear. Fear that I would loose so much, my kids, my home, my lifestyle, my companion. Fear that I don't want to live with the consequence of admitting to myself that I no longer love my wife. Perhaps living the lie would be preferable to that!

OP you and I are different people but if it happened to me the reason I would not tell her would not be love it would be fear and self-preservation.

murpho999

I genuinely don't get people here with the moral high ground and cruicifying the OP for making a mistake, which he genuinely has. He's not a serial adulterer.

He's stated clearly it's a one-off and he has learnt from it. So what is to be gained by telling his wife when he knows already she's going to take it badly?

Sometimes telling the truth can do more harm than good and sometimes people have to handle their own situations.

As the 3rd party female is not a threat to the relationship then I don't see the benefit in fessing up.
Some here say how he would feel if his wife did the same, well no doubt he would feel terrible but if his wife didn't tell him then he'd be none the wiser.

All this baloney about signing up for faithfulness etc, is all well and good , but life is not always as straightforward or black and white as that and people not perfect and are tempted.

Valuable lesson learnt, bottle it up, move on and get on with a happy family life.

CaliforniaDream

murpho999 wrote: »

He's stated clearly it's a one-off and he has learnt from it. So what is to be gained by telling his wife when he knows already she's going to take it badly?

There's nothing to be 'gained' from telling the wife. However, she entered the marriage based on an honest and faithful relationship. The boundaries have changed and she deserves the choice of whether she's happy to accept them or not. Some people can move past this and continue in the relationship. The OP knows his wife best but honestly, neither of them truly know how the wife will react until she's told. We all say we'd do X in a certain situation but the reality can be quite different once we're in it.

To me, it's simply giving the wife the respect and dignity of full knowledge I presume she deserves.

LorMal

CaliforniaDream wrote: »

There's nothing to be 'gained' from telling the wife. However, she entered the marriage based on an honest and faithful relationship. The boundaries have changed and she deserves the choice of whether she's happy to accept them or not. Some people can move past this and continue in the relationship. The OP knows his wife best but honestly, neither of them truly know how the wife will react until she's told. We all say we'd do X in a certain situation but the reality can be quite different once we're in it.

To me, it's simply giving the wife the respect and dignity of full knowledge I presume she deserves.

Sorry, totally disagree. Life is not black and white, we are all imperfect and make mistakes.
In my view, the OP can only make matters worse by confiding. As long as he has not put his wife at risk (i.e. he used protection) then it is up to him to have the strength to bury this, learn from it and move on.
The only reason he will tell his wife is to make HIM feel better - that's selfish and cruel. Move on - and be a good husband from now on.

murpho999

CaliforniaDream wrote: »

There's nothing to be 'gained' from telling the wife. However, she entered the marriage based on an honest and faithful relationship. The boundaries have changed and she deserves the choice of whether she's happy to accept them or not. Some people can move past this and continue in the relationship. The OP knows his wife best but honestly, neither of them truly know how the wife will react until she's told. We all say we'd do X in a certain situation but the reality can be quite different once we're in it.

To me, it's simply giving the wife the respect and dignity of full knowledge I presume she deserves.

So are you saying that couples should never lie to each other about anything no matter how small and if so cause friction.

The OP messed up but he is not having an affair or a series of one night stands that threaten the relationship. I also feel telling the wife would put her through an awful lot of pain.

The OP is married but is still an individual and entitled to a private life and can make decisions about them and read a situation as to what would be best.
If I look at my own life, happily married, if I was to tell my wife about a drunken mistake she would probably handle it well and we would get through it. However, when I think back to my partner before her, who had a lot of issues, she would not have been able to handle it at all and I'd imagine it would have led to violent rows (from her side) and eventual break up.

So life is just not as straightforward as the moralists here cliam. Every case to be handled and treated differently.

Ann84

I think the post by 'Just Saying' above pretty much sums it up.
I find it hard to believe that sleeping with someone while sober can be considered a mistake, flattery or not the man was conscious and conciously decided to cheat on his wife.
Just because he is afraid his wife will leave is not a good enough reason to lie to her, nor is saying he would just be telling her to aleciate his own guilt, that's nonsense spouted to justify lying!

He can't say he'll never do it again, but he can be an upfront honest kind of guy and hope that his wife will want to work it out with him. If she doesn't want to, that's her choice also...
White lies are white lies, making your whole marriage a sham by findementally changing the relationship is very different thing and we all know that!

Everyone here knows what the 'right' thing to do is... The right thing is to be honest with his wife as he committed to when he married the woman, yes life is long, mistakes are made, life is a million shades of grey but anyone who has seen/ lived through finding out serious lies from their partner knows that it is the worst, most horrible betrayal... And he can try to resolve it in the 'right' way by at least not Lying on top of cheating!

So it just boils down to whether the OP wants to do it and what kind of person he wants to be and what kind of marriage he wants to have.
Making a choice out of fear of repurcutions is not a way I'd like to live personally, so the wife can't trust him to be honest and the man doesn't trust his wife enough to forgive him for a mistake...
And then list of issues will grow!

The Bishop Basher

LorMal wrote: »

Sorry, totally disagree. Life is not black and white, we are all imperfect and make mistakes.
In my view, the OP can only make matters worse by confiding. As long as he has not put his wife at risk (i.e. he used protection) then it is up to him to have the strength to bury this, learn from it and move on.
The only reason he will tell his wife is to make HIM feel better - that's selfish and cruel. Move on - and be a good husband from now on.

I would agree that life is littered with grey areas.

Honesty in a marriage however, is not one of those grey areas.

It's an essential ingredient for a happy and successful marriage.

If you compromise on honesty, you compromise the relationship.

Everything else is grey. Like whether he's really sorry, whether he'll meet her again, how his wife would react if she knew, whether their marriage will survive etc etc etc.

That can all be worked through once the honesty is in place.

Without the honesty, they'd both be better off walking away now.

And that's before you get into the morals of whether she has a right to know or not but as long as he continues to lie it's irrelevant anyway as his continued lies are denying his wife the right to make an informed choice about her future and the deceit and guilt will slowly kill off the relationship regardless.

Honesty is the only policy. Anything else is a cowards way out.

The Bishop Basher

murpho999 wrote: »

The OP is married but is still an individual and entitled to a private life and can make decisions about them and read a situation as to what would be best.

You are joking right ?

Of course married couples as individuals are entitled to privacy.

But unless you have a prior agreement in place, that privacy won't entitle you to sleep with other people behind your partners back or make decisions that significantly affect them without their input and knowledge.

Virgil°

Yeah I'd be firmly in the honesty boat OP. The second you made the decision to cheat, (and you did definitely decide, you were of full cognitive ability at the time and had plenty of chance to back out) you should not get to decide solo how the aftermath plays out.

I really worry at the amount of posters here who think that telling the wife will alleviate a guilty conscience.
His wife will likely be utterly bereft upon hearing the news. IMO it would take a very light conscience to feel relief at such a thing.

murpho999

Swanner wrote: »

You are joking right ?

Of course married couples as individuals are entitled to privacy.

But unless you have a prior agreement in place, that privacy won't entitle you to sleep with other people behind your partners back or make decisions that significantly affect them without their input and knowledge.

No I am not joking.

The OP is not sleeping around. He's not doing this on a regular basis. It was a one off that he regrets and he then needs to assess this as to what damage would be caused to his marriage, partner's well being and children as well before admitting all.

It may do more harm than good.

This does not mean I condone or recommend what he did but the decision to tell or not needs to be thought through and everyone's circumstances are different.

The Bishop Basher

murpho999 wrote: »

No I am not joking. The OP is not sleeping around. He's not doing this on a regular basis. It was a one off that he regrets and he then needs to asses this as to what damage would be caused to his marriage, partner's well being and children as well before admitting all.

True, but the damage was done when he slept with someone else, not when he decides to do the right thing and come clean.

This will affect his marriage whether he tells or not. His wife may well have already picked up that something is a miss and is wondering if it's something she's doing..

Either way, they're both now living a lie as a result of his actions and that will always come back to bite in the end.

murpho999 wrote: »

It may do more harm than good.

This does not mean I condone or recommend what he did but the decision to tell or not needs to be thought through and everyone's circumstances are different.

His wife will be incredibly upset when he tells her but it's not the action of telling her that will cause the upset. In fact, down the road that may actually become a comfort of sorts to her. No, the action of sleeping with the other woman will be the detail that upsets her and that's already been done.

Question for OP...

Did you ever discuss this with your wife in the past ? Has your wife ever indicated that she wouldn't like to know if you were unfaithful ?

LegacyUser

OP here,


Thank you for all your replies, I've been reading them all thoroughly. I can't say that the guilt has passed, it's gnawing away at me, I think I may also have insomnia. My wife has noticed this. I want this pain to pass and devote myself to her and the kids completely. Although my mates are unaware of what I did, I'm sure they would not confront my wife. One of the lads had a short term fling with another woman last year behind his fiance's back and no one has spoken about it, an 'omerta' if you want to call it that. It's just not our business.

I would do ANYTHING to change what I did but I can't. I love my wife.

Ann84

hatemyself765 wrote: »

OP here,


Thank you for all your replies, I've been reading them all thoroughly. I can't say that the guilt has passed, it's gnawing away at me, I think I may also have insomnia. My wife has noticed this. I want this pain to pass and devote myself to her and the kids completely. Although my mates are unaware of what I did, I'm sure they would not confront my wife. One of the lads had a short term fling with another woman last year behind his fiance's back and no one has spoken about it, an 'omerta' if you want to call it that. It's just not our business.

I would do ANYTHING to change what I did but I can't. I love my wife.

Well your clearly not going to tell her so best of luck with that OP - I am not entirely sure I hope it doesn't come back to bite you in the arse (sorry!)

And besides, since your buddy did it too that's ok right?!
You can justify it and feel sorry for yourself all you like but you are lying to your wife everyday.

PressRun

What are you expecting people to tell you, OP?

ElleEm

I doubt the pain of guilt will pass unless you tell your wife. She deserves to know. The longer you hold onto this, the more damage it is likely to do.

LegacyUser

SNIP *it's gnawing away at me, I think I may also have insomnia. My wife has noticed this. I want this pain to pass and devote myself to her and the kids....*

Unfortunately this above may never pass, the guilt may keep gnawing away at you until you cave/have a breakdown and the truth comes when you just cant hide it anymore. Your wife has of course noticed, she isnt stupid but she may start asking questions so what other lies do need to tell to cover up your emotional state? Since she has noticed this, she may have noticed you being more attentive, a change in attitude, more clingy, loving or perhaps behaviour changing in your sex lives etc. You will start second guessing your behaviour on all levels and there will be a level of paranoia in your relationship from now on.

It seems like your mind is made up to not say nothing. It doesnt matter what any boardsie contributes from here on. Its you who now has to deal with the fallout of this and trying to justify and manage your behaviour. Can you cope with feeling like this for as long as needs be?

I just feel sad that you made that choice in the first position. Thinking with your nether regions as opposed to your heart/brain. Unfortunately you're just panicing now and in a self preservation mode trying to carry on as normal. Not sure what else to say but whatever road is ahead is going to be tough.

Seaba

I am a 38 year old male, married, with 3 kids.
I have never posted in this forum but I just wanted to share my over-riding thought:

What would posters say to the OP IF he posted tomorrow something along the lines:

“I finally told my wife today. She looked at me with disbelief at first, and then anger. After explaining what happened she asked me to move out immediately. She said the trust had been broken and she can never look at me in the same away again. Our marriage is over. She said we will come to some arrangement as to when I can see the kids”.

I think the above would be a more than reasonable re-action to something of this magnitude.

Would they say “sorry to hear that, but you did the right thing”, “you had to be honest with yourself and your wife”, "you made a serious mistake and unfortunately have to suffer the consequences", “in time maybe you both can sort things out”, “and the kids will get over this”, etc. etc.?

Three ‘lives’ will have been ruined:
OP – marriage over, seeing kids in the evening/every other weekend
Wife – marriage over, hurt/anger, huge trust issues in the future, emotional damage
and the saddest…
Kids – ‘normal’ family life over.

I suppose what I am wondering is does this “punishment” really fit the crime?
Personally, I don’t think so.
I realise posters will say it is not his right to decide the punishment but at the very real risk of destroying three sets of lives...

Finally, I would say however this deliberate ‘mistake’ must be a once off. If the OP feels that his head would be turned in the future there are deeper issues in the marriage and he should look to resolve these immediately.

Ann84

Seaba wrote: »

Three ‘lives’ will have been ruined:
OP – marriage over, seeing kids in the evening/every other weekend
Wife – marriage over, hurt/anger, huge trust issues in the future, emotional damage
and the saddest…
Kids – ‘normal’ family life over.

While in theory there is some merit in what you are saying, relationships are so complex that 'living the lie' is not as easy or simple as your think!

Personally, if the couple can't work through something of this magnitude together, the marriage is fecked anyway. Their lives wont be ruined, they will all get on with different lives, their marriage will be ruined if they can't move past it but to be fair to both parties at least they can work through it if they at least both know.

Just because the OP does not like the consequences does not mean he should lie to his wife, he has damaged his relationship with his wife, papering over it is not fair and as angry as she would be if he told her the truth, she will be 10 x times more of all you describe if she 'finds out' at a later stage...

Kids - 'normal' life is what they are used to, better to grow up with separated parents that get on than married parents who don't know each other...

The OP's wife has twigged something is up, it's game over if she gets an inkling of anything more... And it is fricking horrible to be lied to, really horrible thinking your going mad, being told nothing is wrong when there clearly is!
As bad as cheating and coming clean is, cheating and lying does as much damage, I still believe honestly is the best policy.

You never really get away with cheating - even if you never get caught you have changed your relationship and live a lie that's always there

PressRun

Telling his wife the truth is not going to "ruin three lives". His decision to cheat would have done that.

His wife has noticed something is up anyway and he's still hemming and hawing. The truth will find a way to out, and the consequences are likely to be much worse when she realizes she's been lied to on top of everything else. I'd have more respect for someone who took ownership of their actions and made attempts to make amends than someone who just kept lying about it. There's a certain level of trying to absolve oneself of responsibility that comes with that attitude that wouldn't sit well with me.

JellieBabie

In response to the earlier post claiming three lives would be ruined, you're basically saying that in any relationship with kids you can go and cheat on your partner and hide it, and it's justifiable and acceptable behaviour because the consequences to telling the truth are too harsh.

You should have thought of the consequences when you made the decision to cheat.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I know alot of boardsies won't like what I'm going to say. I agree with Seaba, the fallout from telling your wife will be huge. It'll probably devastate her, it will cause huge upheaval for your kids and it'll cause enormous friction for you with your family and friends. The knock on affect will be huge.

You made a mistake, you ****ed up, it happened. You're human aren't you? Monogamy is neither a natural nor an easy thing to do and we all struggle with it. If I was your wife I would rather not know. You're not having an on going affair, you made a bad decision, it happened, you can't undo it.

What you need to do now is to forgive yourself. Don't confide in a friend, people struggle with secrets and it could end up getting out. Arrange to see a counsellor and talk to them about it, go to confession and tell a priest, go out for a big long walk and a think by yourself whatever it is you need to do to FORGIVE yourself. If you can't forgive yourself then forget it happened. Honestly, think about the incident, wrap it up in a parcel and remove it from your mind as if it never happened. You're punishing yourself something awful and despite what people here might say, you don't deserve that. You reacted to a basic human desire, that doesn't make you a bad person.

To all those posters saying his wife needs to know what happened. She doesn't. What happened doesn't make him a different person to the one she married. It doesn't make their relationship a sham. It doesn't make their relationship a lie. Their relationship is still their relationship. He knows he ****ed up, let him move past it and giving advice to tell her is going to result in serious consequences for his wife and for his children. Kiddies need a family and emotional stability.

OP, forgive yourself, let go of the guilt and get a nights sleep, you'll make yourself sick otherwise.

JellieBabie

anonposter wrote: »

To all those posters saying his wife needs to know what happened. She doesn't. What happened doesn't make him a different person to the one she married. It doesn't make their relationship a sham. It doesn't make their relationship a lie. Their relationship is still their relationship. He knows he ****ed up, let him move past it and giving advice to tell her is going to result in serious consequences for his wife and for his children. Kiddies need a family and emotional stability.

OP, forgive yourself, let go of the guilt and get a nights sleep, you'll make yourself sick otherwise.

It does all of those things! It was a relationship built on respect, trust, honesty and loyalty - that, at least, is what a marriage should be. Now that he's cheated he's broken his vows to his wife. How you can claim that doesn't change the relationship is beyond me. I think what you really mean is that she doesn't need to know it has changed as it suits the OP's own ends.

screamer

Seaba wrote: »

Three ‘lives’ will have been ruined:
OP – marriage over, seeing kids in the evening/every other weekend
Wife – marriage over, hurt/anger, huge trust issues in the future, emotional damage
and the saddest…
Kids – ‘normal’ family life over.

I suppose what I am wondering is does this “punishment” really fit the crime?
.

Well I beg to differ 3 "lives" we're ruined the night the OP climbed into bed with another woman.
Not that it's a crime but when you do wrong you don't get to decide the punishment you have to take what you are given.

OP how do you think your wife would react if you told her? Is there any chance she'd forgive you or would it all be over?

beyondbelief67

anonposter wrote: »

]all those posters saying his wife needs to know what happened. She doesn't. What happened doesn't make him a different person to the one she married. It doesn't make their relationship a sham. It doesn't make their relationship a lie. Their relationship is still their relationship. He knows he ****ed up, let him move past it and giving advice to tell her is going to result in serious consequences for his wife and for his children. Kiddies need a family and emotional stability.

OP, forgive yourself, let go of the guilt and get a nights sleep, you'll make yourself sick otherwise.

How you can say that it doesn't change anything I don't know! It totally makes the marriage a sham, it totally changes who the op was when his wife married him, I'm sure she didn't say her vows including the words, and I know in the future you will have sex with a young one on a night out but that's ok!
She married him believing she could trust him and that he respected her and that he loved her enough to never hurt her or go with another woman, so yes she needs to know, so she can decide what she wants to do, it's not his right to make the decision for her.
Everything she believed in and thought she knew is a lie and s sham.
He isn't the person she thought she married, to say nothing has changed truly is so wrong.

Witchie

screamer wrote: »

Well I beg to differ 3 "lives" we're ruined the night the OP climbed into bed with another woman.
Not that it's a crime but when you do wrong you don't get to decide the punishment you have to take what you are given.

OP how do you think your wife would react if you told her? Is there any chance she'd forgive you or would it all be over?

They were threatened with ruin, if he says nothing and makes their lives better by being a great husband then this is salvageable. If he tells her, this may not be the case.

Eeden

This all reminds me of the whole divorce debate way back when, when the anti-divorce folks were saying that divorce breaks families. It isn't divorce that does that, it's marriage breakdown. In other words, it's not the telling that breaks the relationship, it's the cheating.

Maybe you can pretend that your marriage is ok, just because your wife doesn't know any better. But it isn't ok. And it is not fair on your wife. You are being dishonest with her every single day, and just because she doesn't know that doesn't make it right.

LegacyUser

Ann84 wrote: »

You never really get away with cheating - even if you never get caught you have changed your relationship and live a lie that's always there

And we're back to how we wish the world ought to be rather than how it is. No. Sorry. You're wrong. Guilt fades. Quickly. Then it's gone. Just like that. And forgotten about. Then it has no effect at all. And life goes on. Just like before. And so does the marriage. And often that story ends with the words 'happily ever after'.

Toots

Eeden wrote: »

Maybe you can pretend that your marriage is ok, just because your wife doesn't know any better. But it isn't ok. And it is not fair on your wife. You are being dishonest with her every single day, and just because she doesn't know that doesn't make it right.

This is the crux of it for me. I can't imagine how it would feel if my husband cheated on me, but I think if he was honest and told me straight away then we might have chance to work through it. However, if he said nothing, and I found out that he'd been deceiving me for a prolonged period of time it's not something I could get over. The cheating would be bad enough, but the thought that every day we'd been together since then was based on a lie would just kill me, for me there'd be no way back from that kind of deception.

I think the OP knows deep down that his wife will most likely end it if he fesses up, so he's hoping he can keep shtum about it and deal with the guilt by 'being the best husband' but he's not really being the best husband, because he's doing it to try and atone for betraying his wife.

screamer

Thinkcarefuly wrote: »

And we're back to how we wish the world ought to be rather than how it is. No. Sorry. You're wrong. Guilt fades. Quickly. Then it's gone. Just like that. And forgotten about. Then it has no effect at all. And life goes on. Just like before. And so does the marriage. And often that story ends with the words 'happily ever after'.

WOW just WOW I would love to have no conscience like that. But I do and so does the OP.
OP I'm still wondering if you have considered telling your wife. Everyone just assumed she'd and the marriage but you know her well what do you think she'd do faced with the truth?

Ann84

Thinkcarefuly wrote: »

And we're back to how we wish the world ought to be rather than how it is. No. Sorry. You're wrong. Guilt fades. Quickly. Then it's gone. Just like that. And forgotten about. Then it has no effect at all. And life goes on. Just like before. And so does the marriage. And often that story ends with the words 'happily ever after'.

See if you agree this is 'how we wish the world ought to be' then the good news is...
It can be the world you and I live in by simply being honest with our partners! Ta da!
Happiness is relative and the 'happily ever after' you describe above is not what I would consider 'happily ever after'...
Example; I am 'happy', I have money constraints and stacking bills but I would say I am 'happy' however if I won the lotto (just enough to pay off my mortgage not completely quit my job life changing), I believe my overall happiness in life would go up...
A relationship based on lies is like stacking on some more bills, creating a block in your relationship, something you can't mention, your not perfect, your so flawed you can't tell the one person most important in your life, it's there every time they tell you your great, every nice gesture, every deep conversation... Knowing that if they really knew you they'd be gone, that's serious rejection and would certainly fester and rear its ugly head as resentment at some stage!

If you have a good relationship, why ruin it with lies on top on cheating! Why not just suck it up and sort it out with your partners and hope they want the same from you?

PressRun

Thinking that guilt just magically disappears, with no lasting consequences, is a much more accurate example of seeing the world how you wish it would be rather than how it actually is.

LegacyUser

Anyone who has not been in the situation of having a spouse cheat on you cannot truly understand the impact it has. Talking theoretically about the need for honesty in the absence of truly understanding the consequences is naive IMHO.

My wife cheated, she had an affair going on for a number of months, I eventually uncovered the truth about 2 and 1/2 years ago, long story, not going into it now. We have two kids, we are still together, again I won't go into the details but it has been hell for a lot of the time. I will never look at her the same way. Once that trust is gone it's gone forever. My life will never be the same, you learn to deal with it but the reminders are there on a daily basis. Try watching TV for a few days without a constant reminder of extra-marital affairs!

My advice to the OP depends on whether you truly wish to commit to the marriage so there's two scenarios in my opinion:

1. If this truly was a once off and you wish to carry on with your wife and family then, suck up the guilt and deal with it. Do not dream of telling your wife. Delete that other woman's number and never contact her again. Telling your wife will devastate her in a way you can't comprehend. If you are committed to her from now on then she doesn't need to know. Given what I've been through over the past 2 and 1/2 years, if my wife had just made a "mistake" and slept with someone once I would prefer not to know. An affair is a different matter of course. Do not tell your wife just to "get it off your chest", that's selfish IMHO, right not you are the one suffering, if you tell her, you're just sharing that pain and releasing some of your own.

2. If you think your marriage isn't going to make then you need to start making plans for that. Your wife deserves to know why you feel that and she should also know what you did. Again, it will devastate her but...these are the consequences.

Before my situation I would never have been someone to advocate the "ignorance is bliss" option but having seen the other side of that I can tell you now it is preferable.

I'd like to add that I think what the OP did was deplorable and I have zero sympathy for you, my advice for you is really an attempt to prevent your wife and kids suffering.