I cheated..

FortySeven

Trying to have your cake and eat it here op.

arayess

zeffabelli wrote: »

Wow. You found someone to use as a transitional object. How cliche.

This is what moms do to ease the separation of their infants, give them a stuffed teddy or an article of clothing to help them separate.

Bored husbands find mistresses.... Stuffed teddies for grown ups.

the hate is strong with you.
your concepts are simplistic and infantile.

OP - do whatever you want. It's your life.
think of where you want to be and then re-trace the steps of how to get there.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

Ye don't understand...we have talked about this over and over. neither of us wanted this..we can't help the way we feel. She didn't choose me...I didn't choose her...it just happened. We have tried to walk away several times over the last few months, but we can't.

You're getting a hard enough time here and I don't want to pile on, but I would say if you're going to talk to your wife and if you want to have any chance of having a civil and respectful relationship with her and your children, drop that attitude.

It did not just happen. You did it. We're all human, we all make bad choices, but you need to own the very bad choices you've made recently, and not fall back on this star crossed teenage nonsense. You can't help the way you feel, you could most certainly have helped acting on those feelings and in the first instance getting yourself into the situation where they could have occurred without having made any prior effort to fix your relationship with your wife. A mealy mouthed admission of 'I know I've been a dickhead' doesn't get you off the hook, or mean that this is going to be any easier.

CaraMay

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

She has taken a step back until I decide what I want. The guilt is killing her and she can't do it anymore. She has made it quite clear that she wants me to try, as she is not waiting around for me. If she is still there if/when that happens, then she is willing to give it a try. She wants my decision to have nothing to do with her...she doesn't want to be clouding my judgement, if that makes sense.

Or she's getting cold feet / a reality check. While this mess sits firmly on your shoulders are you were going to have an affair sooner or later, she's hardly crowned herself in glory. She's the type of girl who has no respect for family and promises - ye are well matched.

CaraMay

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

Ye don't understand...we have talked about this over and over. neither of us wanted this..we can't help the way we feel. She didn't choose me...I didn't choose her...it just happened. We have tried to walk away several times over the last few months, but we can't.

Ah come on now. Do you really think we are so thick that we believe this. It doesn't just happen but them maybe it does when you choose to join a dating site. Stop patronizing us. This is nothing but a cliche.

Ann84

I believe you have to be honest, but based on your attitude I don't think you will and you will continue to make bad choices until you get outed in the web of lies you create.
If you tell your wife the truth, you can both make informed decisions - if you lie, you are allowing her to go through heartbreak, and emotions that she shouldn't. You are not being clear on what happened and after all the time you've spent together, does she deserve to be treated so badly? Just because your done...?!
It's a shame that you can give up on your marriage so easily but you have and it's gone too far to brush under the rug. Coming clean is really the only way to conclude this chapter and for everyone involved (not just you!) to move onto the next...

PressRun

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

Yes, it's what I want, but ideally not to end it in those circumstances.

So you want everything your own way? You orchestrate an affair apparently without making any attempt to save your marriage beforehand. Then you say you want to leave the marriage and be with this other woman, but you don't want anyone knowing you actually have an 'other woman'. Then you say you're willing to work on your marriage if your wife wants to, but you're not actually willing to be honest with her. There's a pattern here and it's all about you.

You seem to be about self-preservation and not much else, tbh. And I think your new girlfriend maybe sees a bit of excitement in this relationship initially, which would explain why she got back in touch knowing you're a married man, but when the reality of being in a relationship with a divorced father of two kicks in, I wouldn't be counting on her to stick around, especially given the deceitful circumstances in which your relationship started.

Feel

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

I might be a di**head, but I'm not that much of a one to do it that close to Xmas.

It should be a decision together with your wife, how to handle Christmas for your children in this situation.

Keane2baMused

OP you have your head in the clouds.

This DID NOT just happen. You went out of your way to make this happen whether you are willing to admit it or not.Your actions are cowardly and frankly despicable.

You owe (yes owe!) your wife and children at the very least your honesty at this point.

You've already done an enormous amount of damage (more than you can begin to imagine, trust me!). The grass is not always greener!! Every relationship is amazing in the beginning but you will have a major fall from grace when you see this next is no different and you let your family go for nothing.

Man up and own up and let the chips fall where they may after that. Give your wife the respect of honesty from this point on if nothing else, she and your children deserve that.

njs030

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

Ye don't understand...we have talked about this over and over. neither of us wanted this..we can't help the way we feel. She didn't choose me...I didn't choose her...it just happened. We have tried to walk away several times over the last few months, but we can't.

We do understand.

You joined a dating site.
Started talking to someone.
She found out the truth.

She then CHOSE to run after a married man by contacting him again.
You CHOSE to respond to her.

You both CHOSE to meet, to have sex and then to start talking about love.

Now you need to CHOOSE to do the right thing by the woman you originally chose to love and start a family with- either to leave or to want to fix things.

Honestly you need to face facts and stop acting like a lovestruck teenager op, it's all been choices that you've made not some random act of fate.

Turning to another point, with all your discussion about being so in love have you discussed how this relationship will cope with children and an ex-wife? I wonder how long the new woman will stick around when it's no longer romantic and exciting and your main financial obligation is to another woman.
Plus most of your recreational time will be spent with your children leaving her out in the cold most of the time. Its very very hard work and takes a lot of compromise and understanding.....but I'm sure you've discussed all this op??

smash

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

She didn't choose me...I didn't choose her...it just happened.

Stop lying to yourself. You chose each other and you both made it happen. You kept up the contact, you met up, you shagged. It happened, you both wanted it to happen. You did chose each other!

I'm not here to judge, I don't particularly care. I'm just saying that you can't lie to yourself about it and realistically there's no going back. Move forward, make things easy for the kids. Both you and your wife deserve to be happy and it's never going to happen with each other. Counselling and all of that will just drag out the process. Get to mediation and get a separation agreement.

And for what it's worth, straight up admitting to cheating will land you in a world of pain and at that point the children will become wildly more affected by the process.

Keane2baMused

smash wrote: »

And for what it's worth, straight up admitting to cheating will land you in a world of pain and at that point the children will become wildly more affected by the process.

The children don't have to know but the wife has every right to know and should.

I would be more concerned about the "world of pain" he is putting his family through than his own supposed pain.

I wouldn't be running for a violin. You make your bed!

smash

Keane2baMused wrote: »

The children don't have to know but the wife has every right to know and should.

I would be more concerned about the "world of pain" he is putting his family through than his own supposed pain.

I wouldn't be running for a violin. You make your bed!

People make their beds, it's up to them to lie in it or lie somewhere else without the need for you to judge them.

His first port of call is to talk to the wife and tell her that he doesn't love her, that he feels the marriage has been over for a long time. These situations are often obvious to both parties but neither will admit it. She might feel the same and for all anyone here knows, she might be doing the same thing he's doing. So jumping in and stating he's been having an affair is not to be the first thing to do.

Right now he's putting nobody through a world of pain. Depending on the outcome of the conversation with his wife, there might not be a world of pain at all. But if he starts a conversation with the fact that he's had an affair then there definitely will be!

People fall in and out of love every day, families fall apart, people cheat, people get hurt. It's life, it happens! All over the world it happens. Just because he's married shouldn't make it any worse but because we're stuck in good old Ireland where Marriage rules and it's 4 years to be set free if it doesn't work out and everyone loves to point the finger and have a gossip, situations like this make the OP seem like the worst person in the world.

Attitudes need to change! The children come first, not the OP and not his wife. If she's a good mother to them and he's a good father to them then forget the rest. That's all that matters!

Keane2baMused

smash wrote: »

People make their beds, it's up to them to lie in it or lie somewhere else without the need for you to judge them.

His fort port of call is to talk to the wife and tell her that he doesn't love her, that he feels the marriage has been over for a long time. These situations are often obvious to both parties but neither will admit it. She might feel the same and for all anyone here knows, she might be doing the same thing he's doing. So jumping in and stating he's been having an affair is not to be the first thing to do.

Right now he's putting nobody through a world of pain. Depending on the outcome of the conversation with his wife, there might not be a world of pain at all. But if he starts a conversation with the fact that he's had an affair then there definitely will be!

People fall in and out of love every day, families fall apart, people cheat, people get hurt. It's life, it happens! All over the world it happens. Just because he's married shouldn't make it any worse but because we're stuck in good old Ireland where Marriage rules and it's 4 years to be set free if it doesn't work out and everyone loves to point the finger and have a gossip, situations like this make the OP seem like the worst person in the world.

Attitudes need to change! The children come first, not the OP and not his wife. If she's a good mother to them and he's a good father to them then forget the rest. That's all that matters!

When you make selfish decisions without considering the consequences the world and it's mother will give home truths as it completely unnecessary to go about it in such a way. Do you think his family or friends won't judge him? Believe me in these situations people always choose a side, and most often it's to those who have been wronged (whether the love is gone or not it's still wrong).

Yes he is damaging his family, they just don't know it (yet..or maybe they do!) But that doesn't make it OK.Falling out of love happens. But the cowardly way is to cheat and then lie your way out of it.

Speaking from experience as both a child and an adult, I can categorically say he will NOT be helping his children by lying to their mother.

Nobody should stay in a marriage for the sake of another person or their children. That's a given. There is however a right and very wrong way to go about it!

RentDayBlues

smash wrote: »

Attitudes need to change! The children come first, not the OP and not his wife. If she's a good mother to them and he's a good father to them then forget the rest. That's all that matters!

But the problem is that he's not a good father by his actions. He's been deceitful and he's now contemplating lying further to save his own skin, this is not the actions of a good father.

A good father would have admitted the marriage was over, spoken to his wife and then together decide how to deal with the situation.

Being a good father is not just about being there for your children, it's about being a good person who sets examples of how to behave, none of what he has done says this.

The truth will come out, be a good father, admit what you have done and try to fix it. There will be pain initially and perhaps ongoing, but start healing it now.

Colser

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

I might be a di**head, but I'm not that much of a one to do it that close to Xmas.

So when do you think would be a good time to tell her? The new year ,near Valentines day,around the kids birthdays,her birthday?
There is never a good time and Im sure shes sussing something now anyway.Where does she think you are when you are with your girlfriend?

You want to come out of this looking better than what you are,Ive no problem with people splitting up but its the lying cheating and dishonesty that annoys me. What is your honest opinion of how she would react if you told her you were leaving and leave the cheating out of it?Are you sure she wouldnt actually be relieved considering that you dont really have a relationship anyway?

smash

Keane2baMused wrote: »

When you make selfish decisions without considering the consequences the world and it's mother will give home truths as it completely unnecessary to go about it in such a way. Do you think his family or friends won't judge him? Believe me in these situations people always choose a side, and most often it's to those who have been wronged (whether the love is gone or not it's still wrong).

Yes he is damaging his family, they just don't know it (yet..or maybe they do!) But that doesn't make it OK.Falling out of love happens. But the cowardly way is to cheat and then lie your way out of it.

Speaking from experience as both a child and an adult, I can categorically say he will NOT be helping his children by lying to their mother.

Nobody should stay in a marriage for the sake of another person or their children. That's a given. There is however a right and very wrong way to go about it!

He made a choice, it was a bad one, he now has to deal with it and try some damage limitation, end of story.

Right now he needs to consider his children and how their lives and his life will move forward. He does not love his wife, so why would he consider her feelings or wishes over his own? If she wants to go to marriage counselling he should say no. He wants out, she needs to be aware that there's no going back. If he wants to admit to cheating then fine, but it shouldn't be the first option. He needs to tell her out straight that he doesn't love her and hasn't for a while, and he mightn't want to see her upset but he really needs to in some ways just emotionally distance himself from her immediate reaction. He needs to let her cool down, get her bearings and explain that it's not fair on either of them, or the children that this relationship is going on.

smash

RentDayBlues wrote: »

But the problem is that he's not a good father by his actions. He's been deceitful and he's now contemplating lying further to save his own skin, this is not the actions of a good father.

A good father would have admitted the marriage was over, spoken to his wife and then together decide how to deal with the situation.

Being a good father is not just about being there for your children, it's about being a good person who sets examples of how to behave, none of what he has done says this.

The truth will come out, be a good father, admit what you have done and try to fix it. There will be pain initially and perhaps ongoing, but start healing it now.

There's a difference between a good father and a good husband. You should think of that before branding him a bad father!

Ann84

smash wrote: »

He made a choice, it was a bad one, he now has to deal with it and try some damage limitation, end of story.

He does not love his wife, so why would he consider her feelings or wishes over his own? If she wants to go to marriage counselling he should say no. He wants out, she needs to be aware that there's no going back. If he wants to admit to cheating then fine, but it shouldn't be the first option.

he really needs to in some ways just emotionally distance himself from her immediate reaction. He needs to let her cool down, get her bearings and explain that it's not fair on either of them, or the children that this relationship is going on.

Wow that is some cold compartmentalisation right there... We are all lucky people marrying our other halves, making vows, commitments, lives together for it to end like that!!!
Just because he no longer loves his wife does not give him the right to dismiss their entire lives together, to completely cut her out like she has no part in the situation, lie and disrespect not just her but their family!
That is very calculating advice, cold and won't end well either! The poor woman will be completely thrown, how awful!

I agree the OP needs to talk to his wife but not the way you suggest.

smash wrote: »

There's a difference between a good father and a good husband. You should think of that before branding him a bad father!

A good father would amicably separate from his kids mom before starting up a new relationship, would make 100% sure he has set himself up in a new home and worked through the new arrangement and that his kids were settled before investing his time and energy in a new relationship!!
How is he supposed to support his kids while going through what will be the possibly the biggest trauma they will go through while trying to keep a new girlfriend entertained?!?
There is a difference between a good huaband and good dad but the OP had put his own fickle interests between those of his kids, he has put them in a precarious position and risked his ability to separate and share parent with his ex wife amicably - that makes him a bad dad!

Keane2baMused

smash wrote: »

There's a difference between a good father and a good husband. You should think of that before branding him a bad father!

The two interlink. If you're not a good husband / wife that gives a terrible example towards your children.

Showing your children what it means to have good morals, humility and respect is crucial. All of which the OP is not doing at this point in time.
Good parenting is not simply tucking them in at night and putting food on the table. It extends to hell of alot more.

Dress it up any which way, lying is still wrong. And these things ALWAYS come back to bite you in the ass.

screamer

Ah yes a stale marriage boring I'm sure. But hey leave the kids at home and pretend you're young free and single with a willing new partner and you're in love. Grow up. It's fantasy land. You're married you have kids and marriages have to be worked at to keep the spark there. Put it another way imagine 7 years down the line you're still with your bit on the side with 2 kids.... I wonder will you feel the same way about her then as you do your current wife? Regardless of whether you stay with your wife or chose the other woman the long term problem here is not the marriage you need to take a good look in the mirror.

zeffabelli

smash wrote: »

There's a difference between a good father and a good husband. You should think of that before branding him a bad father!

Well known saying, 'bad husband, worse father."

Both are responsibilities. You are always accountable to the other parent, no matter what your status is with them. A family is a system whether the parents are in love, whatever that means or they aren't.

smash

Ann84 wrote: »

Wow that is some cold compartmentalisation right there... We are all lucky people marrying our other halves, making vows, commitments, lives together for it to end like that!!!

Enough of that church nonsense please.

Ann84 wrote: »

Just because he no longer loves his wife does not give him the right to dismiss their entire lives together, to completely cut her out like she has no part in the situation, lie and disrespect not just her but their family!
That is very calculating advice, cold and won't end well either! The poor woman will be completely thrown, how awful!

I agree the OP needs to talk to his wife but not the way you suggest.

You don't know how she'll react. Like I said before, she might be doing the same and often glaringly obvious to both parties when a relationship is over.

zeffabelli

smash wrote: »

Enough of that church nonsense please.


You don't know how she'll react. Like I said before, she might be doing the same and often glaringly obvious to both parties when a relationship is over.

This is also a possibility. She might be relieved.

Let's not assume she loves OP either.

smash

zeffabelli wrote: »

Well known saying, 'bad husband, worse father."

Awful saying. Extremely sexist and quite frankly disgusting.

zeffabelli

smash wrote: »

Awful saying. Extremely sexist and quite frankly disgusting.

What? This is not really a place for ideological preaching. Seriously.... save the religion for the converted.

smash

zeffabelli wrote: »

What? This is not really a place for ideological preaching.

Then why did you post the comment?

zeffabelli

smash wrote: »

Then why did you post the comment?

It's a saying, you are calling it sexist and bringing ideological leftist criticism into it.

WTF? Take it to the gentlemens club if you want to evangelicalise. And then with the "disgusting" comment you take this high horse moral superiority stance. Who annointed you Jesus?

Ann84

smash wrote: »

Enough of that church nonsense please.

What church nonsense? I'm not at all religious in any manner... Do you happen to know what marriage is?
It doesn't have to have anything to do with any religion, it is a commitment, between 2 people, maybe you need to look it up before giving advice to someone who at one stage committed to his wife, to respect and honour etc...

The OP may well have moved on but he is still in a marriage to someone who is completely in the dark as to the state of their relationship.

Sound Bite

Come off it OP, things didn't just happen.
I've more respect for the guy in the other thread who cheated when the opportunity arose. You, on the other hand, went looking for it and had numerous opportunities to stop before you went all the way.

I think you should leave your wife cos she deserves a hell of lot better.

These threads are so cliché! Have you ever been to McDonald's on a Saturday. It's full of kids with their dads. Welcome to your weekend. Classy girl you found yourself too. Do you think she'll stick around when you're playing weekend daddy?

smash

Ann84 wrote: »

What church nonsense? I'm not at all religious in any manner... Do you happen to know what marriage is?
It doesn't have to have anything to do with any religion, it is a commitment, between 2 people, maybe you need to look it up before giving advice to someone who at one stage committed to his wife, to respect and honour etc...

Yea I know what a marriage it, I've been there and done that thanks.

Ann84 wrote: »

The OP may well have moved on but he is still in a marriage to someone who is completely in the dark as to the state of their relationship.

you don't know that!

Keane2baMused

zeffabelli wrote: »

This is also a possibility. She might be relieved.

Let's not assume she loves OP either.

True.

There's also the possibility that this "elephant in the room" the OP has spoken about has been created in his own head because it's what he wants (and hopes in a way). She may withdraw from normal every day intimacy because she does not feel loved, which is a scary and confusing situation for anyone to be in.

OP don't be so sure she feels the same way you do, word of warning.

Ann84

smash wrote: »

you don't know that!

Neither do you, maybe your experience is clouding your view of this situation.

smash

Ann84 wrote: »

Neither do you, maybe your experience is clouding your view of this situation.

I'm separated but I don't have anywhere near the experience of what OP has gone through, is going through or is about to go through so my experiences are not judging my view of his situation.

eviltwin

smash wrote: »

I'm separated but I don't have anywhere near the experience of what OP has gone through, is going through or is about to go through so my experiences are not judging my view of his situation.

But was your separation as messy as this? Were you trying to get out of a marriage with young children to be with a lover you'd been having an affair with while trying to ensure your wife didn't realise the affair had occurred? It's a complete mess and I would be amazed if there isn't some major emotional damage to deal with.

smash

zeffabelli wrote: »

It's a saying, you are calling it sexist and bringing ideological leftist criticism into it.

WTF? Take it to the gentlemens club if you want to evangelicalise. And then with the "disgusting" comment you take this high horse moral superiority stance. Who annointed you Jesus?

If someone stated "bad wife, worse mother" there'd be uproar! It's a horrible saying and it's untrue. You said purely to point the finger at op and brand him in a light that you know nothing about.

smash

eviltwin wrote: »

But was your separation as messy as this?

It's still messy and I have to deal with it every day even though I'm over 3 years in to it. I was miserable and she knew it, she almost played on it. I didn't love her and she couldn't handle that. Tried to make it work for my son but I couldn't live the lie. When it ended she spread rumours, made threats, tried emotional blackmail, the works! Still on going.

eviltwin wrote: »

Were you trying to get out of a marriage with young children to be with a lover you'd been having an affair with while trying to ensure your wife didn't realise the affair had occurred?

Absolutely not. That's why is said I wasn't in a situation anywhere near his.

eviltwin wrote: »

It's a complete mess and I would be amazed if there isn't some major emotional damage to deal with.

I don't disagree.

Ann84

smash wrote: »

If someone stated "bad wife, worse mother" there'd be uproar! It's a horrible saying and it's untrue. You said purely to point the finger at op and brand him in a light that you know nothing about.

Smash we can all only comment on the information the OP provides - is is cheating on his wife with whom he has 2 small children, it's hardly the behaviour of a father of the year candidate... He is investing his time in a new relationship rather than ensuring he has his kids set up through a seperation, again not really the best approach as a parent.
However, the focus of this thread is advice on what to do now rather than debating the OPs ability as a father.

The advice you provided was very cold, considering you have been through an (amicable?) separation, I am suprised by the sheer lack of empathy for his wife and consideration for the life they have shared.

Whatever way the OP tells his wife, he would do well to park his new relationship and take some time to work through the change in his life. His wife may well not want to seperate, there is a lot to consider but treating his wife like a stranger from the get go is just not the way to go about it at all!

jamesieboy15

Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

smash

Ann84 wrote: »

The advice you provided was very cold, considering you have been through an (amicable?) separation, I am suprised by the sheer lack of empathy for his wife and consideration for the life they have shared.

He's in a seemingly loveless marriage. He doesn't love her, which sucks for her(if she actually loves him) but he needs to get out. Not just for him, but for everyone involved.

Ann84 wrote: »

Whatever way the OP tells his wife, he would do well to park his new relationship and take some time to work through the change in his life.

I agree. Like I said before, I don't think he really loves the new girl. She's a distraction for him.

Ann84 wrote: »

His wife may well not want to seperate, there is a lot to consider but treating his wife like a stranger from the get go is just not the way to go about it at all!

He doesn't have to treat her like a stranger, he just needs to make her fully aware that it's over, and there's no going back.

LegacyUser

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

Does the new woman know she's going to end up step mum to two kids under 3? The relationship seems great now as there's no responsibility but once the dust is settled and she finds she dating a separated father who has to pay maintenance for his kids (plus his wife could get spousal support) and will have to arrange large chunks of his life around access to his kids well the fun and spark of the relationship may die very quickly.

eviltwin

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

2 kids under 3, no wonder there is no passion. OP you don't need me to tell you there are periods when your sex life goes south, the response to that is not to look for a replacement. If we all did that there would be few successful relationships. You both should have spent more time on yourselves as a couple, if you love each other you might have been able to get back the intimacy you lost but I don't see how you can do that now.

FortySeven

Divorce rates

The seven-year itch can be analyzed quantitatively. Divorce rates show a trend in couples that, on average, divorce around seven years. Statistics show that there is a low risk of separation during the first months of marriage. After the "honeymoon" months, divorce rates start to increase. Most married couples experience a gradual decline in the quality of their marriage; in recent years around the fourth year of marriage. Around the seventh year, tensions rise to a point that couples either divorce or adapt to their partner.[3]

In samples taken from the National Center for Health Statistics, there proves to be an average median duration of marriage across time. In 1922 the median duration of marriage that ended in divorce was 6.6.[4] In 1974 the median duration was 7.5. In 1990 the median duration was 7.2. While these can fluctuate from year to year, the averages stay relatively close to the seven year mark.[5]

Witchie

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

I think the only thing you can do really is to end your marriage as amicably as possible and be the best possible dad. Your kids will be fine with the new arrangements and they will become normality as long as you look after them well.

Ann84

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

Now this is my personal nightmare, I marry my fiancé we have a couple of kids, wrecked tired, life altered, body changed and my husband gets bored and cheats on me... And then leaves me with 2 small kids while he lives the life of a batchelor with his bit on the side, nice catch you were...

I mean Bored!!! With 2 kids under 3... OP your doing it wrong.

How the hell are you finding time to date? Why are you not at home helping your wife raise children you decided to have, together?!?!?

No wonder your so worried about being the bad guy, this is the hardest part of your lives together, why are you not working as a team? Helping each other out?! Talking about how you feel and working on it!! Feck it love is far from many peoples lives when they have 2 small babies, surviving is more true!

However, does this mean you checked out even before baby 2? Your really not going to get much sympathy here...
Packing in a marriage with no effort to fix things when times are toughest, wow, just wow...

Stheno

OP have you thought about the consequences of ending your marriage?

Do you both work? Will you end up paying child and spousal maintenance? Will your new girl be happy if you are under constrained finances as a result?

strandroad

Both kids under 3, so last year when the OP was getting bored the younger one was just an infant... the most challenging time for any couple and OP's reaction to that was to set up dating profiles.

OP your marriage seems beyond saving as you checked out mentally long ago and your actions just confirm it. Sort out your separation before it all blows up, give your wife this minimum of respect.

dudara

Posters - please do not use PI/RI to have discussions or arguments amongst yourselves. It drags the thread off-topic. If you are not posting to offer advice to the OP, then don't post.

dudara

LegacyUser

If you are leaving then leave which I think you probably should, but for your own sake make sure your new girlfriend doesn't want a family of her own.
Or you'll find yourself in a similar situation as my ex brother in law....except their kids were older than yours, pre-teens New woman wanted kids so instead of getting away from the boredom of married life, bills, mortgage, child minding, lifts to soccer matches, school plays, ..he just multiplied it all by 2.
I wonder is his not so new woman as exciting as she first was?
Maybe he'll need to go get a third one.

CarrickMcJoe

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

You should act like an adult and not like your username. Why not seek advice from a marraige councillor?
Don't forget you still have to support your family as well as entertain your new model.