Coping with Long term singleness

LegacyUser

OK first of all this isn't a 'woe is me' thread! Just looking for ways of dealing with long term singleness.

Ok I'm a 40 year old woman, had 2 relationships in my life - one a 5 year at 20 and another about 5 months when I was 26. I've had encounters and flings in between but the last serious relationship was 14 years ago.

Now I'm regularly told I'm attractive, have lots of hobbies, a self-employed, creative job I'm passionate about. I'm continuously trying new things and improving myself. I've really gotten to love myself over the years (a healthy way not arrogant).
I try to keep a positive outlook but do suffer from bouts of depression.

Anyway every year I think I will meet someone and this year in particular I really felt ready for a relationship. I came way outside my comfort zone in 2015 and just felt that I had loads to offer someone.

In the 14 years I've had friends come and go. Something I've noticed that perhaps coupled up people don't seem to notice, is (in my experience anyway) that when single female friends get boyfriends, they are rarely seen again. They spend most of their free time with the boyfriend. This has happened to me several times.

I have lots of married and single friends but it was the single friends that I tended to socialise with more - the married ones had families and social time was limited.

I'm a bit tired from continually making new friends. What do other long-term singles do?
Also what happens at Christmas?
I've always gone home to my parents house at Christmas, even when I had boyfriends.
What happens when parents are no longer there? I don't really want to be a spare at a sibling's table. I have brothers and while we would be close, I'm not sure the sister-in-laws would want me there (they have their own families and have Christmas by themselves and we wouldn't be close).

Just looking for practical solutions because I think I may be one of those people who doesn't end up with anyone and I just want to be prepared for it!

Thanks a million for reading

Shrap

Ok, first of all I'm delighted you're happy with your single status! I'm not single myself, but I'm only a few years older than you and my 10 yrs older than me fella was a very determined single man (till he met me). His (now our) best friend besides me is a mid 50's woman who left relationships behind her a good 20 yrs ago (she has adult children, living abroad, and has had a few long term relationships like yourself). She loathes Christmas. Mostly because of the good intentions of her couple friends insisting that she spends Christmas with someone, as if she can't make it through the day without company.

I'm mentioning this because it is one take on being single at Christmas without family. Obviously, most people have the impression (and perhaps rightly so) that single people are in huge danger of being at their most lonely at that time of year, but if a person isn't lonely and is quite happy in their own company like my friend, they may consider the massive pressure to have the company of others a little unbearable and absolutely the worst thing about the season.

That said, I always say to her come over if you get the urge to sit bloatedly in front of some crap film and drink sickly sweet Baileys and she has once, but doesn't feel that she can't turn us down either. I never ever feel that she'd be some sort of "spare thumb" or not fit in because she's single. She's our friend.

I see what you're saying about never seeing friends again when they find a partner, but why is that? I mean, my fella hasn't stopped seeing this friend since we hooked up, and most of her other friends are also in couples.....
Is it something holding you back from visiting your friends with families and limited social time? My fella knew more families with kids than I did when I met him, and was always being leapt on by entire broods of children when we visited his friends because he knew them so well.

I don't know of any alternative than to try and keep the friends you make tbh, sorry. Maybe it does fall to the single person to make more of an effort as it's always logistically more possible to travel in an evening without kids in tow?

mud

I've been single for a few years also. I'm a mid-30s woman, just finding my feet with work and other life stuff. Finished college last year, was unconcerned about being single while I was studying and getting my sh1t together. Now it's occurring to me that I may always be single because I haven't met someone in so long. I think it doesn't bother me but then again it might if I met someone nice.

I go to my Ma and Da's for Christmas day. My advice there is to take each year as it comes. Don't worry about Christmases to come and enjoy this one wholeheartedly.

dianec401

Hi Op,

I'm also a long time singleton and by and large, have a happy life.

I would have loved to have been a mum but that just didn’t happen for me and whilst I’d also be thrilled to be in a relationship, I’ve had slim pickings on that front also. But I realised a few years ago that actually I have a great life and lots of my friends and family envy me my independence.

Toughest time for me was around the 35-40 stage because that's when most of my friends settled down and had kids. Those first few years are when family life is very time-consuming. But now that lots of them have got through that stage, their kids are still young, but much more independent and they're dying to meet up for the cinema or a meal or whatever.
You do have to make more of an effort to keep in touch as you get older and the nature of friendships change. It’s natural that people will be caught up with partners and children. So I was often the instigator of a meet up but my friends are now all very appreciative of that and putting that effort into friendships does pay dividends. I stay in touch with a wide circle of people but may only see some of them once every few months. However I'm usually out at least two evenings a week - I have a couple of pretty time intensive hobbies which keep me busy in addition to my social life.

I also play a valuable role in my large extended family. Being an Aunty without kids of her own means all my nieces and nephews get plenty of attention. I have the energy, focus and time to develop a fantastic relationship with them and their parents are delighted that their kids have another adult in their lives who can give them support and love and attention.
I found taking part in some voluntary work really added an extra dimension to my life as well. I was giving something back, adding value (hopefully!) and contributing in a positive way to my community. Not that I'm a paragon of virtue by any means - I also make sure I have plenty of time for all those lovely indulgent 'selfish' things that busy parents just don't have the time for.

And of course, as you've found you can concentrate on your career in a much more focussed way without the distractions and responsibilities running a home and rearing a family entail. It's not the be all and end all but it's very satisfying to know that you're fully utilising your talents and opportunities.

I’m not for one minute saying being single is better than being a parent or having a relationship. It’s not a question of what is better (or worse)– it’s just seeing the benefits for what they are and making the most of them.

Once I decided to stop berating myself for not having my own family and not following the path most people have followed I could actually relax and realise that I had a pretty great life and so I got on with enjoying it. And I’ve not closed the door on relationships at all. You never know what’s round the corner!