Back dating ex but it doesn't feel the same

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm hoping you can help me.

The story starts 2 years ago. I was dating a guy for a year. I was crazy about him, but he broke up with me. He said that he was moving abroad and thought it was best to break it off, but I knew that wasn't the whole truth. He had broken up with me 4 months before leaving, which clearly showed that there were other reasons behind it.

He ignored all my attempts to contact him during this time, up until about 8 months ago saying that he was coming back home and wanted to try our relationship again. He explained the real reasons why he broke up with me (there were problems we both had that we didn't realise at the time). He also explained why he ignored me (he thought it would be easier for both of us if it was a strict no contact, which he realised wasn't the best idea).

I thought about it, and decide to give it another shot. We've been dating for about 6 months, and we've been working on the problems we had.

I've been really enjoying our time together, but I'm feeling there's something missing. I don't feel the same way I did before and I don't know why. I thought it might be because he already broke up with me (and ignored me).

He hasn't changed from when I dated him before, and there's nothing technically "wrong" with our relationship as I still enjoy spending time with him and talking to him, but something's off and I can't put my finger on it.

I have thought about breaking up with him, but I keep telling myself that it's a silly idea because I so enjoy spending time with him.

What do I do? Do I discuss my doubts with him? Is there some way of figuring out what's missing in our relationship?

I'm really worried I might be throwing away something great and I don't know what to do.

Augme

As you say it probably stems from when he broke up with you and ignored you. For me, I don't think I could let that one slide. I'm not sure I could date someone if they did that, I'd lose a much amount of respect and trust for them.

The only other reason I can think of is that you might not truly believe the reasons he gave you for actually breaking up and maybe deep down that still bothers you.

Best thing to do is discuss it with him. It will give him the chance to explain it again and he might be able to give you more details on his thinking and help clear your mind.

Ursus Horribilis

When a couple splits up, one of the standard pieces of advice given here is to cut contact. Very often staying in touch with an ex makes the breakup messier, muddies the waters and ultimately makes it harder for the dumped person to move on. So technically your boyfriend wasn't doing the wrong thing.

tinz18

I would definitely agree with the poster who says the trust is gone after being broken up with once.

The same happened me with my ex, we got back together a few days later at his request. It was never the same again, the rose-tinted glasses were competely gone. I spent the rest of the relationship happy enough but waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to decide he wanted to break up with me again. When he actually did, I felt relief because I realised that he couldn't feel much for me to break up with me the first time and I wanted someone who'd move mountains (or at least make a little bit of effort) to be with me.

Merkin

Maybe I'm just a bitter old harridan but I don't see how things could be the same in light of how he treated you. That's bound to play on your mind and also, I don't think a relationship has much of a chance working when one party has been hurt to some degree. Go with your gut feeling.

Calypso Realm

somethingmissing wrote: »

He had broken up with me 4 months before leaving, which clearly showed that there were other reasons behind it.

He ignored all my attempts to contact him during this time, up until about 8 months ago saying that he was coming back home and wanted to try our relationship again. He explained the real reasons why he broke up with me (there were problems we both had that we didn't realise at the time). He also explained why he ignored me (he thought it would be easier for both of us if it was a strict no contact, which he realised wasn't the best idea).(

How old are you both?

Just exactly what did he SAY at the time when he broke up with you and HOW did he do it?
You see, while I understand hindsight gives perspective and it does sound as if he's been re-hashing things, the part about 'having problems we didn't realise at the time' doesn't much any sense to me ;if they weren't 'apparent' then, why did he break up with you in the first place? Or try and fix things even if one he have vague doubts?

Also, I do believe he WAS ignoring you-relaying the 'benefits' of NC now sounds like an excuse to me. At the very least, out of respect for you (and you don't ignore someone you truly care about) he could have informed you of this at the time. I don't buy this, sorry. Of course a lot depends on how plausible his other answers are but so far. for me there are some glaring red flags !

Frankly, I would be a tad suspicious of what he was up to in the four months prior to his going away? Are you absolutely sure there was no-one else? I hope I'm wrong, but it sounds to me you could well have been the fall-back here, given you made your interest very clear. Just something else to consider.

Finally, but most importantly with second chances it's ALWAYS a good idea to make them work for it!. REALLY hard, if only to prove to you they really, really mean it, this time. Only on your terms as well. Otherwise the relationship dynamics shift considerably in their favour. It's this 'power imbalance' that's creating your sense of unease. Did he contact you first or was he just responding when you reached out?

LegacyUser

I see where you all are coming from. I think I just really want to make it work and I've been trying to convince myself that there wasn't anything sinister behind it and he was doing the right thing at the time. Even if I do believe everything he says, there's always that doubt in the back of my mind.

As someone said, if he truly cared for me, he wouldn't have treated me that way. I know that is something I would never do, but then again, each of us have different personalities and handle things differently.

Calypso Realm wrote: »

How old are you both?

We are both 29.

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Just exactly what did he SAY at the time when he broke up with you and HOW did he do it?
You see, while I understand hindsight gives perspective and it does sound as if he's been re-hashing things, the part about 'having problems we didn't realise at the time' doesn't much any sense to me ;if they weren't 'apparent' then, why did he break up with you in the first place? Or try and fix things even if one he have vague doubts?

He broke up over the phone. He said that he thought it was best if we broke up because he was so busy with doing a lot of overtime in work, looking for a new job and getting ready to move abroad.

When he explained himself when we got back together he said that he was truly busy at the time, but also that he felt bored in the relationship. That was largely because of me. I am an anxious person and was always worried about taking the next step (I've been hurt in the past). The relationship wasn't going anywhere at the time because of our circumstances.

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Also, I do believe he WAS ignoring you-relaying the 'benefits' of NC now sounds like an excuse to me. At the very least, out of respect for you (and you don't ignore someone you truly care about) he could have informed you of this at the time. I don't buy this, sorry. Of course a lot depends on how plausible his other answers are but so far. for me there are some glaring red flags !

Frankly, I would be a tad suspicious of what he was up to in the four months prior to his going away? Are you absolutely sure there was no-one else? I hope I'm wrong, but it sounds to me you could well have been the fall-back here, given you made your interest very clear. Just something else to consider.

I really don't think he was seeing anyone else, he really doesn't seem like that kind of person. But no one can truly know, even if I asked him, the answer will always be "I wasn't seeing anyone" whether it's true or not!

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Finally, but most importantly with second chances it's ALWAYS a good idea to make them work for it!. REALLY hard, if only to prove to you they really, really mean it, this time. Only on your terms as well. Otherwise the relationship dynamics shift considerably in their favour. It's this 'power imbalance' that's creating your sense of unease. Did he contact you first or was he just responding when you reached out?

He contacted me first and I was very apprehensive. I didn't jump straight into it.

I'm not sure what you mean by making him work for it? Do you mean for me to sit back and expect him to jump through hoops bringing me on dates and buying me gifts?

arayess

It's probably a lack of trust.
I've two friends who went out together for a year , broke up badly.
Met up 8 years later a bit more mature and now are married.

She admits she had issues with him for a lot of their second relationship stemming back from their 1st relationship break up .
That said , she got over them and they are quite happy together now.

The point is you probably aren't going to completely trust him initially and that will take time , he did hurt you before.
If he is worth it stick it out, if not then walk away.

personally I've never met anybody worth hanging about for in such circumstances where things are difficult but my friends are proof that it can work even given past hurt.

CaraMay

So what's he said was he dumped you by phone because he was busy and bored. Tbh op you just need your head examined to be with this guy. Looks like he ant willing to put in any effort and clearly isn't putting the effort in now to make up for it.

Your relationship seems to have run its course.

Ursus Horribilis

somethingmissing wrote: »

When he explained himself when we got back together he said that he was truly busy at the time, but also that he felt bored in the relationship. That was largely because of me. I am an anxious person and was always worried about taking the next step (I've been hurt in the past). The relationship wasn't going anywhere at the time because of our circumstances.

Now this puts everything into a different light. Call me cynical but I think that being "very busy" is often used as a way to fob someone off. And now I see that he felt bored. That in itself is a reason why neither of you should be together. You're still the person you were a year ago. Why should he be not bored now? It looks to me like you're a bad fit. It's obviously not doing your head any good. You were anxious before and you're anxious now by the looks of things. Maybe you should listen to your gut and end it?

LegacyUser

I decided to break up with him and I'm worried that I was too rash.

We had a long discussion about why he broke up with me in the first place, which he put down to me being emotionally distant. I will admit that I am not very good at expressing my emotions. He also said that the "no contact" was best for both of us when he was abroad as there was no point in getting into heated conversations over text.

The reason I broke up with him is because I had/have doubts about everything. I wasn't able to open up to him, express myself, worried to take the first step. I waited for him to initiate everything, ask me how I'm feeling instead of me telling him. I think this is largely fear of getting too serious about us when I wasn't sure of my own feelings towards him.

He really opened up to me when we were talking, and it's made me very upset now that I've broken up with him. After all his explanations, it truly put doubts in my mind if I made the right decision.

My rationale was that I didn't want to waste both our time when I wasn't sure if I would ever feel the same towards him again.

Did I make the right decision? I just feel awful

PressRun

Odus fell down wrote: »

When a couple splits up, one of the standard pieces of advice given here is to cut contact. Very often staying in touch with an ex makes the breakup messier, muddies the waters and ultimately makes it harder for the dumped person to move on. So technically your boyfriend wasn't doing the wrong thing.

I think that only really works if you don't then try and get back with the person at a later date. He broke up with her, cut contact of his own volition, and then down the line changed his mind and wanted to give the relationship another go. So really, I think he is the one who has muddied the waters a little bit with his actions. He let her think it was completely over only to go back on it. If he thought that he might want to get back with her, then he he shouldn't have gone the route of totally blanking her.

OP, I think you you feel differently about it because it is a different situation now. Maybe you don't feel as strongly about him since he blanked you and his idea to cut you out has backfired on him. Maybe you don't really trust him any more or still feel hurt about how he treated you. It doesn't sound like your heart is really in it either way.

crackers and cheese

Don't do this to yourself. ..There are so many nice men out there. ..never works getting back with an ex