Was I being tested?

LegacyUser

Hi Folks-Firstly, I don't normally overthink relationship issues, preferring instead to trust my instincts and go with the flow! But a friend's comment has got me wondering, so I'd like to garner some views (mainly out of interest) please! Especially from males!

Overview-Have just resumed seeing a lovely guy I first met last year. We went on a few dates but given I was going abroad for a year, it ended there. Each of us attracted to the other. I contacted him on my return-both of us felt the same and had a lovely night at an event I invited him to. Got on really well, again. A real gentleman, a bit traditional from good area and background, who I reckon is looking for a relationship. Asked to meet me again two nights later, when I was whisked off to his local to meet his friends!! Eek! I could tell he was very proud of me! Great, as he's absolutely gorgeous!

At the end of the night, he invited me back to his house as parents were away. Met siblings. I should stress I've always felt very at ease, comfortable and safe with this guy and my instincts have always served me well in the past, which would also explain my 'completely out of character' actions, as this is the first time I've ever done this! I'm 20 and although have been in relationships while at uni, am still a virgin!! though I haven't told him this yet, of course! He mentioned I could stay the night (I live about 30 minutes away) and we proceeded to his bedroom where I ended up hopping in beside him, semi-clothed. Again just a goodnight kiss as before and both of us cuddled up together for the night, nothing more. Again I knew instinctively this would be the case and he wouldn't touch me, and I was right!!

I didn't think much of this (for me it 'felt' a natural thing to do in these circumstances) until my friend made the comments about him testing me to see how 'easy' I was? Or just wanted to be close to me? He's 24 btw.

The Bishop Basher

Ignore your friend and go with your gut. Your friend is talking nonsense. He may still turn out to be a serial killer, anything is possible, but for now it sounds like you got yourself a keeper.

ShiverinEskimo

Your friend is jealous/a ****-stirrer/misandrist/paranoid.

Ignore and go with the flow.

stampydmonkey

Ffs...it's called respect. Ignore your friend. Not everyone has the mind of a sociopath/12yr old kid...the majority of people are straight forward and not into bat sh1t crazy mind games...go with the flow

Pawwed Rig

Your friend sounds like she has very little experience of relationships. I would ignore them.

The Princess Bride

I wouldn't have told your friend- the fact you felt so comfortable staying with him is what's important here.
I can't see that there's an issue.
For all you know he's inexperienced too.

Regardless, it's the early stages of a new relationship so it's no-one else's business but yours and his.Keep the intimate details to yourselves otherwise you might find folk discussing it and chances are if it gets back to him, he might not be as impressed with you after all.

Just enjoy it and see where it goes.

J_E

What a nasty judgement for your friend to make to be honest.

racso1975

So basically you are easy for a kiss and cuddle??? Seriously what was and is a lovely story about the start of a relationship and 2 people getting back together is now being questioned because of a stupid fuking generalisation of men.

I would like to how many lads actually use "easy" test!!!!! Tiny amount that I would class as idiots.

Enjoy what you have op and may he continue to treat you with respect and vice versa

Flippyfloppy

Your friend has a very strange way of thinking that I hope (for your sake) is bore out of her own experiences with dodgy men, rather than a desire to ruin your budding relationship.

If you had told me that story I would have thought , in this order

'He really likes you & doesn't mind waiting because he's not only after one thing'

'You had such a lovely night meeting friends & family he didn't want to risk making it awkward'

'He probably knows the house has thin walls and his siblings would have heard, ha'

But testing? Never once have I even heard of someone testing someone else in that regard!

The J Stands for Jay

racso1975 wrote: »

I would like to how many lads actually use "easy" test!!!!! Tiny amount that I would class as idiots.

I don't think the "easy test" exists outside of teenage romance fiction.

Neyite

I feel sad for your friend that she has no experience of a man who is respectful of women.

I think its highly more likely that he really likes you, and would like to take the relationship at a pace that suits you both, rather than it being some sort of test. There are many blokes who would like to wait themselves to get to know someone a bit before getting fully intimate. Nothing wrong with it at all.

R.D. aka MR.D

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Regardless, it's the early stages of a new relationship so it's no-one else's business but yours and his.Keep the intimate details to yourselves otherwise you might find folk discussing it and chances are if it gets back to him, he might not be as impressed with you after all.

I just wanted to reiterate this. In my first relationship, i made the mistake of oversharing personal things with my female friends. Real life isn't sex and the city or something, respect his right to privacy and don't be telling all.

Also, you're friend sounds like she's very inexperienced or trying to sabotage you.

Pawwed Rig

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Also, you're friend sounds like she's very inexperienced or trying to sabotage you.

Just thinking on this today, looking back at relationships in my life all of them bar 1 had a 'friend' who was causing hassle within the relationship. May not be an uncommon response as the friend may see the time spent in the relationship as a threat to the friendship.

HiGlo

I think there are more guys than you'd think that would test girls in this way. Only in a particular age category and personality type, but I still there are more than you'd expect.

In this case, I wouldn't think he was testing you. Just comfortable in your company. And sure even if he was testing you, surely you passed as you didn't sleep with him? I wouldn't pay much heed to your friend. It's easy to be influenced but there's nothing more reliable than your gut!! haha

Side Note: I also agree with the other posters, while it's all a good giggle to compare notes on casual hook ups, discretion is paramount in a relationship. Even your friends involved in the conversation would be surprised if you're offering detailed information. Comments like "I stayed over in his place" or a general "the sex was good" are fine, but that's about it. And NEVER discuss his size or longevity.
I'm sure most girls know this stuff already, but might be a good heads up for any that don't.......

Censorsh!t

Ignore that.

Friend did a very similar thing to me. I slept with my ex on our second date and my friend told me he wouldn't want to be with me now that he knew I was easy.:rolleyes:

LegacyUser

HiGlo wrote: »

I think there are more guys than you'd think that would test girls in this way. Only in a particular age category and personality type, but I still there are more than you'd expect...

OP here again. Thank you so much everyone for your responses-all gratefully received. Since I wrote post v late last night, just to elaborate that friend (forgot to say she's much older) meant how easy it would be to get me into bed! From his POV, if I do it with him then how many other guys before this! Ironically, this was the first time I've done this-only because of how safe, etc I felt with this guy. (Of course, he's as hot as hell, as well!!! ) I'd say he's almost certainly more experienced though-didn't bat an eyelid taking his (outer) clothes off in front of me, while I borrowed a shirt of his to sleep in!! (Maybe I should have protested wildly Ha ha)

As I said he is traditional though (I've a feeling he's also looking for something more long term) but I guess for that matter, so am I. I'm not naïve as such but old-fashioned, just someone who's fairly selective (think he is as well) about who I get involved with and prefer to reserve all more sexual contact for more serious, committed relationships. Previous boyfriend all respected this.

I fully respect the non sharing of personal details-in my case there's normally little or nothing to relate (!) but I just mentioned in this case what a lovely, cosy night I had!

I'd be interested to know which age group and personality type you're referring to HiGlo. Older? Are you male of female btw?

Anyway, sounds as if I passed 'round one' as he's rung as promised today for another date!!
Ha ha

beks101

I've had all sorts of friends have all sorts of opinions about the men I've dated in the past. All of which were overridden by my gut feelings about the man in question each time.

There's always that friend who follows The Rules religiously too, (usually with their own endless dating woes), who thinks really archaic, narrow-minded or downright absurd things about ALL men or ALL dating scenarios. EG if you sleep with them on the first date they won't respect you, you have to wait til the 5th date before you have sex because otherwise they'll treat you like a fcuk buddy etc etc. Sounds like your friend is one of those.

All that really matters is how YOU feel about this chap. Your friend hasn't even met him, you have. You have a good gut feeling about him, at this early stage that's all that matters.

blackcard

Being tested? wrote: »

OP here again. Thank you so much everyone for your responses-all gratefully received. Since I wrote post v late last night, just to elaborate that friend (forgot to say she's much older) meant how easy it would be to get me into bed! From his POV, if I do it with him then how many other guys before this! Ironically, this was the first time I've done this-only because of how safe, etc I felt with this guy. (Of course, he's as hot as hell, as well!!! ) I'd say he's almost certainly more experienced though-didn't bat an eyelid taking his (outer) clothes off in front of me, while I borrowed a shirt of his to sleep in!! (Maybe I should have protested wildly Ha ha)

As I said he is traditional though (I've a feeling he's also looking for something more long term) but I guess for that matter, so am I. I'm not naïve as such but old-fashioned, just someone who's fairly selective (think he is as well) about who I get involved with and prefer to reserve all more sexual contact for more serious, committed relationships. Previous boyfriend all respected this.

I fully respect the non sharing of personal details-in my case there's normally little or nothing to relate (!) but I just mentioned in this case what a lovely, cosy night I had!

I'd be interested to know which age group and personality type you're referring to HiGlo. Older? Are you male of female btw?

Anyway, sounds as if I passed 'round one' as he's rung as promised today for another date!!
Ha ha

I think your boyfriend is lucky, ye seem well suited, good luck.

Dave0301

Every relationship devolps at a different pace, and the only people that know what is right are those involved in said relationship.

OP, sounds like you had a great night, and are in the process of arranging another one. Look forward to that, and not back on a throwaway comment from a possibly cycincal friend.

Emme

OP he sounds like a lovely guy and it's great that he is treating you well. Take each date as it comes and don't mind your "friend". I would advise you to keep details of your dates private and very general ie "we went to the cinema and saw X film and it was excellent" and don't tell her anything personal. If she asks how things are going don't be drawn, just say "so far, so good" and leave it at that.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

... I would advise you to keep details of your dates private and very general ie "we went to the cinema and saw X film and it was excellent" and don't tell her anything personal. If she asks how things are going don't be drawn, just say "so far, so good" and leave it at that.

This. Two pieces of advice: (1) stop telling people intimate details, like what happened in bed. Or didn't happen.

(2) stop hanging out with people who have such a truly negative, life sapping, twisted, and mean view of the world. Honestly, she will just drag you down. What a horrible view of men she has. I'd be shocked if a friend of mine was that nasty about men - and i say 'men', not the guy you've begun dating, as she can't know him to make such a judgmental nasty comment! Basically she's accusing him of being a misogynist. What a lovely 'friend'. Not.

Ursus Horribilis

I believe your friend is trying to sabotage this. There may be a bit of green eyed monster involved but it's mostly about your friendship. If you continue to see this guy she's not going to have you around so often. Less girly nights out, less time together etc. It isn't always easy to be the one "left behind" when your friends start forming relationships.

As has been suggested already, pull back in what you share with your friends. You're not in an episode of Sex and the City. Your friends don't have to know the gory details of your love life.

I wouldn't be suggesting you dump your friend but I'd be a bit wary for now. She might settle down again once she accepts that you've got a boyfriend. If she continues to try and badmouth him or put negative thoughts into your head, then will be the time to distance yourself.

Sleepy

Honestly, I'd have thought that any "test" would be the other way around. I'm at a much later stage in life (and married) but when I was last single (at 27) I'd have been walking if the girl didn't want to sleep with me within a few dates!

Don't be worrying OP, he's clearly interested in something serious. You don't introduce casual flings to friends and family.

LegacyUser

blackcard wrote: »

I think your boyfriend is lucky, ye seem well suited, good luck.

Thanks again, everyone for the lovely message and reassuring advice.

Odus fell down - Honestly, I don't think the friend is jealous. She's not really part of my normal friendship group. As I said she's a lot older-a neighbour we've become friendly with who over the years who has has been helpful, in the past. I just think that's how she views things.

Anyway, despite all my good intentions, he stayed at mine last weekend where things became a bit 'hot and heavy' but I managed to pull back at the last minute. We'd been out and had a few drinks, though were by no means drunk. At any rate I explained how I felt we'd gone too far the night before and he appeared fine with this! Remarked he wouldn't have had the willpower to stop, though!!! Ha ha

Emme

Being tested? wrote: »

Thanks again, everyone for the lovely message and reassuring advice.

Odus fell down - Honestly, I don't think the friend is jealous. She's not really part of my normal friendship group. As I said she's a lot older-a neighbour we've become friendly with who over the years who has has been helpful, in the past. I just think that's how she views things.

Anyway, despite all my good intentions, he stayed at mine last weekend where things became a bit 'hot and heavy' but I managed to pull back at the last minute. We'd been out and had a few drinks, though were by no means drunk. At any rate I explained how I felt we'd gone too far the night before and he appeared fine with this! Remarked he wouldn't have had the willpower to stop, though!!! Ha ha

It's good the date went well and I hope there will be many more. As I said before re your neighbour keep what you tell her general and let the private details stay between you and your bf.

Pawwed Rig

Best of luck OP. He sounds like a keeper ;-)

CaraMay

Tell her nothing anymore. First of all what happens between you is private. Would you like if he was telling the lads all the details of your 'romancing'? I sincerely doubt it. Secondly, it's bond of her business and she thinks differently to you and, as you can see, that results in you over thinking.

Bottom line - keep your private and intimate life private. He's entitled to that much! I would be fuming if someone was telling the neighbours the gory details of what I had been up to.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Please don't worry folks, I haven't the slightest intention of telling her any intimate details about our relationship. Despite the earlier impression I may have inadvertently given-just a casual comment about the cosy night I had- I normally don't share stuff like this.

At any rate, sounds as if I've have to channel most of my energy into keeping this young man in check, who although very respectful of my wishes, appears to have raging testosterone levels!! Ha ha! At 23 I suppose what else can I expect!!!

Taltos

Mod Note
Closing thread as per the last OP update this appears to have worked out for then.