Feeling like I'm failing at everything in Life

LegacyUser

I'm having a lot of days at the moment where I crawl under the covers and feel like never coming out again. Fortunately, having a 20 month old doesn't allow me to do that, so I have to get up and on with life, and for the most part I can put on the happy face and do whatever I need to do, but lately it's all just caving in on me.

I've suffered with depression on and off for the last six years, currently on antidepressants for PND which came after having my toddler. I was involved in an accident which has given me an injury which has made sure I'm out of work since mid-pregnancy, which has not only created money woes but also messed with my head as I seem to (unknowingly before this) have tied a lot of my identity up into being someone who works, who can support herself, etc.

I live with my partner who I love dearly, who is supportive, a great dad to our son and who has been one of the only stable parts of my life since we met three and a half years ago. He's been brilliant - not only ensuring by working every hour thats there that we can live in a nice apartment and have nice things, but also supporting me through days where I'm in so much pain I can't do things which I'd normally take for granted, or days where I just don't want to come out from under the covers. He keeps asking me to talk to him, to tell him whats wrong and he doesn't seem to understand that I don't have the words - I don't know what's wrong, why my world seems to be caving in.

I feel like a crap mother. I'm not able to do things normal Mammys can, and I find myself short-tempered (snapping, giving out, not violent at all) with the toddler when he acts up - finding myself feeling that he's acting up a lot more when he's really just being a toddler and it is all down to my perception. He's in creche a few days a week but mostly its me and him at home, with his dad working most of the time.

I'm dealing with my parents separating and while its not overtly bitter, there is quite a lot of listening to both sides give out about the other, and the problems that lead from that. It's a lot to take on and I know I have it easier in that I have physical distance from them unlike my siblings, but I seem to have become confidante to both, which I'm not really able for, but I'm not really able to say no when it's my parents, am I?

The mix of pain meds and antidepressants seems to have killed my libido and with it my enthusiasm to do anything - way to feel like a crap partner - we've discussed it and despite him saying its alright theres a voice in my head saying that it isn't, that this is how things go wrong for others, how he will seek it from another if I don't get it sorted out. This is all in my head, I have absolutely no justification bar my own thoughts.

My snapping point came last week when I received a medical report regarding work pay thing I'm involved in which made me out to be lying about my injury to support my legal case (despite them having nothing to do with one another). The report quite blatantly made out multiple times that it was all in my head, that I've put myself through two solid years of medications, painful procedures, messing up my relationship with my child, with friends, with my partner, put myself in debt and basically screwed up any chance of progression in my company I had just because theres litigation involved - I know this isn't true, upon reading it my doctors treating me have confirmed it so, but it's there in black and white staring at me and messing with my head and I can't make it go away.

My child is my reason I get out of bed in the morning (and about four times a night, but that's besides the point). Without him, I don't know where I'd be. I just know I can't let it continue like this, but I don't know where to go from here. I'm not sure what writing this here can achieve, but maybe just getting the words out will help me somehow.

ivytwine

Ah OP I'm afraid I don't have much advice for you. I just want to say to you that I really admire what you're doing, despite your mental and physical health issues, you've been working, and looking after your child.

I understand things are hard for you but I think you need to take a little step back and realise that it will pass. Your partner sounds like a great guy, very understanding. I think maybe if you're worried that the physical side of the relationship is suffering you need to talk to him about this. Communication is essential in these kind of situations.

I think you're being really hard on yourself OP. You're not a superwoman, no one is. You need time to heal and recharge too.

I know money is tight but could you and your partner make time every fortnight or so, even if it's just a takeaway (but preferably out) just the two of ye? Even the cinema or something? Lots of them do cheap nights. I think life seems very hard for you now and you do need that little bit of luxury.

Finally I can imagine how galling it was to read that report but just remember it's not really personal. They just don't want to pay out... They don't know you, they just don't want to admit liability.

Good luck OP X

Roselm

You said you can't tell your partner what's wrong but you've listed all things here that are perfectly reasonable reasons for not feeling ok. There's a lot of things to juggle at the moment and you have pnd and are probably tired from the baby. I think you should show your partner what you've written. He's not going to necessarily have all the answers but at least he can understand what you're thinking. He'll feel better able to support you if you let him in like this.