In a LDR and need advice

LegacyUser

I have been in a long distance relationship for a while and this has been a big issue on and off during this time. My boyfriend and I chat a lot through the phone or skype calls and when we are in touch, everything is good but from time to time he just goes off on his own and doesn't communicate with me and I suppose goes on nights out and not bother to make the effort to tell me his plans and then he thinks that he can pick up where we left off the very next day.

I am not really a drinker, I grew up with an alcoholic parent so I find being around drunk people difficult, what annoys me is that I always like to consider him in my plans so I tell him what I will be doing in case we can't chat that night etc. It doesn't seem like a two way street at all. He could literally vanish all day & night from time to time with very little effort in communicating with me. Sometimes I think I stick with him because I don't want to feel lonely on my own

loalae

Have you said anything to him about it? If so, how did he react? If not, how on earth is he supposed to know what you expect from him?

He may not know how you feel and maybe it's not important for him to know about whether you're going out with friends so he doesn't think that it's important to keep you informed.

Tbh, if I was going out with someone who needed to know where I was all the time I would feel stifled.

osarusan

Sometimes he goes out/offline for a good while and doesn't let you know why?

Say he chats to you on Friday morning/Thursday night for a bit, then you don't hear from him at all until Saturday morning, as he's been working and going out for the rest of the day.

I don't think there is much to be worried about really - why is it something of a problem when he wants to just pick up where he left off say 24 hours earlier?

I guess he doesn't feel the need to keep you up to date with his activities to the same level of detail that you do. To be honest, I don't think he is really doing anything wrong.

stateofflux

This is par for the course for LDR's i'm afraid.

I would not bother hassling him about it as he might get the impression you are being controlling.

For LDR to succeed i found you need to stop over analyzing the contact when you are apart.

Trust the fact that wants to be with you and make sure you are truly happy with the distance element as LDR is not for everyone

iusedtoknow

We actually had ground rules for this. Nights out were not to be missed, so at weekends , whether working or going out we never planned skype on Friday or Saturday night. Any skypes were done Saturday afternoon or Sunday to allow us our own social lives.

We did all this before iMessage or FaceTime so once out and about were both out of contact. It has to come down to trust and also being willing to want them to go and have fun.

stateofflux

you cant put ground rules on human nature. won't work

It also sounds like you do not trust him.

DukeOfTheSharp

To be honest, this sounds a lot like something I was in a long time back. When you're talking it's great, you lay down ground rules that are meant to make everyone happy and keep what you both want clear, and then one person avoids doing that. It can be headwrecking when you act a certain way and have the person you're with act another, and it doesn't seem like he cares enough to do a very basic thing. Raise the issue with him, talk to him about it and tell him that you aren't happy with the way he's carrying on. A relationship of any sort is a two way street, a long-distance situation is stressful enough. The chap needs to grow up.

Now, if you talk to him and he doesn't start pulling his weight, let me tell you this: the feeling of loneliness passes quickly, especially when you're not waiting for someone else to treat you like an equal. If he doesn't shape up, find someone who's willing to treat you the way you treat them. No sense in driving yourself mad over someone who isn't mature enough to treat you like an actual human being.

silverbolt

Why are you so insecure that you feel the need to have him report every little thing he does to you?

Also how does an LDR make you feel less lonely. The fact that you cant be on your own says a lot about you moreso than him. Neediness is not an attractive trait. and being with someone just because you dont want to be alone is not healthy either.

LegacyUser

LDR is a weird one. I was in one myself for well over a year. I was living on my own here in Ireland and the GF was abroad working. We chatted a few times a week with a loose yet fairly consistent pattern of times etc. Sometimes she would go off grid for a couple of days - and so would I. No contact.

Reason? I don't know. I wasn't even looking at other women so that wasn't it - I was just very accustomed to living like a single guy - being my own boss and not having to make the little sacrifices and compromises that go with a normal relationship. I used to feel like fk it - she made the decision to emigrate - I'm fked if I am checking in every day or more with an update to make her feel better about the situation if it doesn't happen to suit me at that particular time. Maybe she felt the same.

Anyway she came back. We're still together

Summary - I wouldn't worry about it. But be advised: LDRs are stressful and highly frustrating.