Not sure what to do

LegacyUser

Hi guys posted in this forum a couple of years back when I had a bad breakup and found the help I got fantastic, back with a query that would love a bit of help on.

Recently met a really great girl from outside of Ireland living in Dublin and have been on two dates with her since meeting only last week, and she has invited me for another date. Things have gone very well and we get on great, genuinely one of the nicest girls I have ever met. However, there is one thing that is giving me a bit of doubt whether there is a future here. She is recently 29 and I am 24, not to far off 25. Now originally, I said the age gap was no issue for me with her, as I didn't think it was, but the more I think about it the more it slightly bothers me that someway down the line it may be more of an issue due to being at different stages in our life and perhaps wanting different things.

I know that 4.5 years is not the greatest of age gaps, but there just seems to be something here that is niggling in my mind, and I don't want to end up dating the girl for a period of time, only for things to break over this issue when I could of done the right thing at this moment perhaps and called it off early.

Who knows though, maybe she doesn't even like me that much, and its just a bit of fun and I'm being ridiculous about this. I would sincerely appreciate any advice on this, I know however, that I am the only that can know how I truly feel in this regard, but some words of wisdom would perhaps greatly help to put me in the right direction. Thanks.

Emme

If the age gap is such a big deal for you then don't waste any more of her time. If you were dating a 19 year old would you consider the age gap a problem?

Penny Tration

I'm gonna guess the age gap is worrying you because most 29 year old women are at the stage where they'll want to have kids in a few years and it's not something you're ready to consider?

If that's correct, there's no harm in actually dating a bit longer, until you know her intentions. Plenty of 29 year old women don't actually want the kids and marriage by their mid thirties thing, so just wait it out until you know how she feels.

LegacyUser

Penny Tration wrote: »

I'm gonna guess the age gap is worrying you because most 29 year old women are at the stage where they'll want to have kids in a few years and it's not something you're ready to consider?

If that's correct, there's no harm in actually dating a bit longer, until you know her intentions. Plenty of 29 year old women don't actually want the kids and marriage by their mid thirties thing, so just wait it out until you know how she feels.

Cheers for the feedback so far. If the girl was 19 probably would be the exact same thoughts about different stages of life. The above is pretty much my thinking in that regard, I couldn't say I would be even at that stage any time soon. I suppose the best thing to do is even just have a genuine chat about where we see things going and lay the cards on the table.

She did seem a bit pissed that I was surprisingly busy in work this week and couldn't really meet up, but I think that may be a good thing to give it time to think it through and slow everything down a bit.

Thinking of suggesting that I'm heading to the tow next Monday after work and we meet for "a chat" after, gauge what our expectations are from this.

Villaboi!

Penny Tration wrote: »

I'm gonna guess the age gap is worrying you because most 29 year old women are at the stage where they'll want to have kids in a few years and it's not something you're ready to consider?

If that's correct, there's no harm in actually dating a bit longer, until you know her intentions. Plenty of 29 year old women don't actually want the kids and marriage by their mid thirties thing, so just wait it out until you know how she feels.

Op here guest profile wouldn't let me reply so just logged in instead.

Cheers for the feedback so far. If the girl was 19 probably would be the exact same thoughts about different stages of life. The above is pretty much my thinking in this instance, I couldn't say I would be even at that stage any time soon. I suppose the best thing to do is even just have a genuine chat about where we see things going and lay the cards on the table.

She did seem a bit pissed that I was surprisingly busy in work this week and couldn't really meet up, got a response enquiring whether I was trying to say was I too busy to spend time with her. I think a bit of time may be a good thing though give time to think it through and slow everything down a bit.

Thinking of suggesting that I'm heading to the town next Monday after work as I planned already and we meet for "a chat" after, gauge what our expectations are from this.

ManOfMystery

You met last week and have only had 2 dates. Whilst I appreciate you're looking ahead a bit (and have every right to do so), I think it's a bit early - and intense - to be laying cards on the line and even discussing things like this. Two dates does not constitute boyfriend & girlfriend yet, never mind anything else!

If you really want to know where she thinks her life is going in the next few years, keep it lighthearted. Work it into conversation about your aspirations for career, holidays and so on over the next few years (keep it very informal) and gauge what kind of responses she gives. It might give you an idea. Otherwise, I'd hold out until you two have got to know each other a bit better before having any deep talks. I'm sure she isn't ignorant of the age difference either and if something like having children figures on her radar over the next few years, she will probably want to know your thoughts on it too at some point, but two dates in should still be the fun and carefree part of dating.

Emme

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You met last week and have only had 2 dates. Whilst I appreciate you're looking ahead a bit (and have every right to do so), I think it's a bit early - and intense - to be laying cards on the line and even discussing things like this. Two dates does not constitute boyfriend & girlfriend yet, never mind anything else!

If you really want to know where she thinks her life is going in the next few years, keep it lighthearted. Work it into conversation about your aspirations for career, holidays and so on over the next few years (keep it very informal) and gauge what kind of responses she gives. It might give you an idea. Otherwise, I'd hold out until you two have got to know each other a bit better before having any deep talks. I'm sure she isn't ignorant of the age difference either and if something like having children figures on her radar over the next few years, she will probably want to know your thoughts on it too at some point, but two dates in should still be the fun and carefree part of dating.

I agree with this but the OP has expressed reservations about her age. It is easier to walk away at this stage than 2 months down the line. I think the OP should end it with her now to save heartache and hassle all round.

ManOfMystery

Emme wrote: »

I agree with this but the OP has expressed reservations about her age. It is easier to walk away at this stage than 2 months down the line. I think the OP should end it with her now to save heartache and hassle all round.

I get that. But his reservation isn't about her age per se, it's about the stage of life she's currently at and more specifically - whether or not she'll want children within the next few years. That's a hell of a conversation to be having before the third date. By the third date some of us have not even decided yet if things can and will progress to a fourth date, never mind starting a family.

I'm just advising that he go with the flow and see what the lay of the land is in a more natural way rather than coming across as too intense. If he finds out in a month that she does want kids and things have to end, then yes it may be a little bit harder to end it but let's not blow it out of proportion - it's 5-6 weeks into a fledgling relationship, and he'll get over it. Sorry if that sounds harsh. If she's as great a girl as he says, she'll be worth it.

Villaboi!

Cheers guys all sound advice. Meeting the girl next Monday and probably play it by ear to some extent, although I have come to the realisation that perhaps at this stage I quite like the freedom of not being in a relationship. I know a third date in the space of a little over two weeks is quite fast to be even thinking of a relationship, and all that goes with it, but at the same time I don't particularly want to string her along in any regard either. My original reason also for posting probably will continue to remain the same.

The week gives a bit of time to think it over anyway and I'm just going to try and keep any texting to a minimum but keep our agreed meeting and "talk" on Monday.

Feel it's a sh***y reason to be giving to a woman and the thought of saying it to her face makes me a bit ill, particularly because she seems quite enthusiastic. At the same time, it is probably the right thing to do as I would rather be told then not.... Still doesn't help in anyway the feeling of being the bad guy here.

ibarelycare

Villaboi! wrote: »

Cheers guys all sound advice. Meeting the girl next Monday and probably play it by ear to some extent, although I have come to the realisation that perhaps at this stage I quite like the freedom of not being in a relationship. I know a third date in the space of a little over two weeks is quite fast to be even thinking of a relationship, and all that goes with it, but at the same time I don't particularly want to string her along in any regard either. My original reason also for posting probably will continue to remain the same.

The week gives a bit of time to think it over anyway and I'm just going to try and keep any texting to a minimum but keep our agreed meeting and "talk" on Monday.

Feel it's a sh***y reason to be giving to a woman and the thought of saying it to her face makes me a bit ill, particularly because she seems quite enthusiastic. At the same time, it is probably the right thing to do as I would rather be told then not.... Still doesn't help in anyway the feeling of being the bad guy here.

I wouldn't generally encourage ending things with someone over text...but in this case I think you should. You've only been on two dates and barely know each other. She's going to be looking forward to a date on Monday, only to turn up and find out that you're just meeting her to end things. It will be embarrassing and awkward for her. Just put an end to things now and don't drag it on any further. Please don't meet for your "date", it's unfair IMO.

I have to agree with ManofMystery. It seems like you're way overthinking this. You're jumping to conclusions about where she is in life and what she wants based on a number. If you like her, go on a few more dates and see how things go.

I'm currently seeing a guy four and a half years younger than me and age is not an issue at all. I admit I did feel a bit funny about it at the start but then I got to know the guy and realised I was worrying over nothing. Age is just a number and it's not like you're dealing with a huge gap here.

Emme

ibarelycare wrote: »

I wouldn't generally encourage ending things with someone over text...but in this case I think you should. You've only been on two dates and barely know each other. She's going to be looking forward to a date on Monday, only to turn up and find out that you're just meeting her to end things. It will be embarrassing and awkward for her. Just put an end to things now and don't drag it on any further. Please don't meet for your "date", it's unfair IMO.

I think this would be unfair and a bit sh***y. There's no harm in the OP meeting the girl for a very casual date, i.e. coffee and explain to her that even though he likes her company he's been doing some thinking and doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. He could lead up to it by saying he's thinking of going to work abroad in the New Year (even if he isn't) and soften the blow that way.

Villaboi!

Emme wrote: »

I think this would be unfair and a bit sh***y. There's no harm in the OP meeting the girl for a very casual date, i.e. coffee and explain to her that even though he likes her company he's been doing some thinking and doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. He could lead up to it by saying he's thinking of going to work abroad in the New Year (even if he isn't) and soften the blow that way.

Cheers for the advice again everyone. While I can see the reasoning behind a text I can't say I would be in favour.

Emme has actually hit the nail on the head here although I do agree that I have probably blown this way out of proportion and ManofMysterys advice definitely makes a lot of sense. I definitely have over thought things, it has as people have said only been two dates! Overthinking things is a probably quite a flaw I have at times. That being said, I do want the freedom of being single to travel and do my own thing and I know I'll be considering leaving my current job around the summer of next year, with it being the truth that I would be strongly considering going abroad.

Now I'm not planning on meeting the girl and telling her inside 5 minutes that I don't think we should see each other again, but it is worth telling her to her face (or on a phone call at the least) that there probably won't be any serious future here. It might suck a bit and she might be angry at me, and she has every right, but not everything you do can please everyone. As selfish as it sounds as well it'll give me peace of mind, not discounting her here though.

Bulbous Glans

If I were you I would keep the relationship non exclusive, so continue to see other women, this way she knows you want be settling down with her.

Sinall

I'm a bit confused here. It's been two dates - what makes you think she even wants a serious relationship?!

You're really over-thinking this. If you want to see her again then do. If you don't want to then tell her the spark isn't there for you but it was great to meet her. You're worrying too much and tangling yourself up on this.

I wouldn't be angry with anyone who said after a couple of dates that they didn't want to go any further. I don't think you need to go too deep into any reason. That's what dates are for - to find out if you like someone. Two dates does not equal a serious commitment so you are not letting her down here. You could go on another two dates and then have her telling you that she's not feeling it!

Dellnum

I admire your integrity not to want to lead this woman along. It is nice to know that there are still decent people in the world. Just say in passing that you intend to travel and see more of the world and that in itself will let this woman know you are not out for a lasting relationship.

Villaboi!

Thanks for all the replies everyone it was helpful and I did consider everyone's advice.

Meet her last night things did not end well. I said I didn't want any long form of relationship after being pushed on the matter and she seemed to accept it. We chatted for a while and everything seemed ok. However, I didn't handle things great and at times sent mixed messages, ultimately though I stuck to what I had said earlier and said it would be probably best if we don't meet up again. She was upset and stormed off, essentially she now despises my guts . Personally as of now I feel like a pretty horrible person, but the way things were moving I felt I had to say it, as I said I did not want to lead such a nice woman on when I was not into even at this early stage.

Sent her a text after she left saying sorry for being a "s***y guy" and that I hope she gets home safe and I will leave her alone. Would of liked if things worked out better but that's unfortunately how it went. Thanks again for all the advice and I definitely need to not over think things as much ever again moving forward.

Dellnum

You did nothing wrong, in fact you did the right thing. You said out straight what you thought and what you wanted and that's commendable. It is not your fault if she stormed off, she probably feels rejected and you feel rejected because she didn't accept you on your terms. So there was never going to be a winner here. I think you did the right thing and you would only have gotten in deeper had you continued seeing her. You are still a great guy and not a "s***y guy" as you put it. Well done.

Emme

OP you did nothing wrong and you are anything but a "sh***y guy". You were as decent to her as is possible. Some other guys might have stopped all contact and given no reason and others might just have strung her along.

You've made your decision now stick to it. It would be best to have no further contact with her.