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  • 06-12-2015 7:18pm
    #1
    hopeInAll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭


    Hope someone here will be able to understand what I am going through.

    I am a 28 year old man, who has a permanent job, is attractive (by way of people telling me that quite often), am not an a**hole, always try to be thoughtful about other people's needs, can be quite funny (at certain occasions and times) and lots of other qualities but I can never seem to be able to maintain a steady relationship. I'm at a time in my life where I would like to meet someone who will love to spend time with me in a more than a friend type of way and perhaps develop a serious relationship that will last. One thing about me is that I am very committed - once I really like someone I am totally devoted and it seems to me that this is something that the fair sex don't understand or they're getting afraid of the commitment.

    Tried some dating sites but never ever worked out because majority of profiles are either fake or just some girls who are doing private shows if I give them my credit card details so I stopped those because this is definitely not what I am looking for. Tinder was somewhat different but here I got the slap of my life when I spoke to a girl (from Mayo) - seemingly all great at first - who stopped texting me once she realised that I am not Irish.

    I've been living in Ireland for the past 13 years and almost all my friends are Irish and they have never considered me anything else but Irish. Even new people who have never spoken to me or know me think I am Irish or perhaps from North America.

    So my conundrum is that quite a few women are deterred by the fact I am not Irish; am I right to feel bad about this fact or is it just something that I have to deal with and hope that something will turn out and all will be OK in the end?

    Any thoughts are welcomed and unprejudiced.
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    #2
    bp
    Registered Users Posts: 1,731 ✭✭✭bp


    You sound like a good catch on paper. My question would be how 'committed' are you at the beginning?

    Nothing would scare me off faster than a bloke being completely full on from the beginning. Not being Irish would not bother me personally. Could it be a culture clash as in courting is done differently?


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    #3
    hairyslug
    Registered Users Posts: 2,593 ✭✭✭hairyslug


    The committed thing sounds like me 8 or 9 years ago, it ruined a few(what I would have considered) good relationships. It also hurt more when these ended.

    Something happened me, when the final relationship ended where i realised that if I didn't get so committed, I wouldn't get so hurt, met my current wife and the rest is history.


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    #4
    hopeInAll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭hopeInAll


    bp wrote: »
    You sound like a good catch on paper. My question would be how 'committed' are you at the beginning?

    Nothing would scare me off faster than a bloke being completely full on from the beginning. Not being Irish would not bother me personally. Could it be a culture clash as in courting is done differently?

    That's an interesting question; I suppose not that much different than anyone else but you might have a point about the cultures, even though I matured in Ireland and have the western mentality - the cultural background is instilled in me.
    Perhaps romanticising the relationship is seen differently here?


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    #5
    hopeInAll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭hopeInAll


    hairyslug wrote: »
    The committed thing sounds like me 8 or 9 years ago, it ruined a few(what I would have considered) good relationships. It also hurt more when these ended.

    Totally get what you're saying, perhaps I live in the olden days rather than the new age. I was involved with someone for about 6 months which we both considered to be a serious relationship and it ended badly, it didn't do me any good. She seems to be fine though so perhaps she liked the idea of being in love rather than the actual fact.
    hairyslug wrote: »
    Something happened me, when the final relationship ended where i realised that if I didn't get so committed, I wouldn't get so hurt, met my current wife and the rest is history.

    Congratulations to you on that my friend, may your marriage last an eternity! I just don't think I can be "not so committed" (perhaps that is the wrong word to use). I like knowing that someone is out there happy to see me at the end of a long day in work and we can talk about anything and everything or just be silent and still be comfortable? Just seems like it became obsolete at this point.


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    #6
    woodchuck
    Registered Users Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    hopeInAll wrote: »
    One thing about me is that I am very committed - once I really like someone I am totally devoted and it seems to me that this is something that the fair sex don't understand or they're getting afraid of the commitment.

    Can you elaborate on this? How does it manifest and how early on? It could be that you're too intense too early in a relationship. I can see how that would scare people off.


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    #7
    hopeInAll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭hopeInAll


    woodchuck wrote: »
    Can you elaborate on this? How does it manifest and how early on? It could be that you're too intense too early in a relationship. I can see how that would scare people off.

    Sure thing. Once I am in a relationship with a girl I don't fool around. I am very much THERE in the relationship, there for her in the good and in the tougher times.


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    #8
    Typer Monkey
    Registered Users Posts: 941 ✭✭✭Typer Monkey


    What tough times are presenting early in the dating phase OP? I don't know, I think it all sounds very intense. I think most women would be looking to have a bit of craic early in the relationships, having fun. What exactly does 'being there' and committed mean exactly? If someone was very intense early on in a relationship with me I'd run for the hills tbh.

    Are you very full on with contact and declarations of love early on? Maybe relax a bit, be a bit cooler, have the craic a bit more?


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    #9
    hopeInAll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭hopeInAll


    Typer Monkey wrote: »
    Are you very full on with contact and declarations of love early on? Maybe relax a bit, be a bit cooler, have the craic a bit more?

    Depends on the relationship and the person I'm seeing. I've had relationships where it wasn't "intense" (as you're putting it) but then i had relationships where - at least it seemed - it was intense because it felt that way from the get-go. So to answer your question, no, i don't declare my love etc early on, if the person is a good one and at the time seems to be THE person then yes, and its reciprocated. So thats where I am confused on the matter; If the sentiment is reciprocated what happens later? Why does it stop?

    Maybe I'm just unlucky is all.

    Mind if I ask why would you run the hills? Is it just weird for someone to develop feelings for the other person early? Just curious, thanks.


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    #10
    bilbot79
    Registered Users Posts: 2,009 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    Nice and committed is for after you make the catch. If you go in like that she won't feel special because you come across as 'anyones'. You've got to be a bit bolder and less nice, appear like you're not bothered if you miss out on this one and save the commitment for later when it becomes a real quality.


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    #11
    hopeInAll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭hopeInAll


    bilbot79 wrote: »
    Nice and committed is for after you make the catch. If you go in like that she won't feel special because you come across as 'anyones'. You've got to be a bit bolder and less nice, appear like you're not bothered if you miss out on this one and save the commitment for later when it becomes a real quality.

    That's an interesting approach, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that women don't like that feeling. Must be just me. Its definitely something to try and see, never been that way inclined - pretend to not be bothered, apparently I wear my heart on my sleeve so it might be tougher said than done but I must start learning otherwise it will just keep happening...
    Thank you!


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    #12
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    hopeInAll wrote: »
    i don't declare my love etc early on, if the person is a good one and at the time seems to be THE person then yes,

    Mind if I ask why would you run the hills? Is it just weird for someone to develop feelings for the other person early? Just curious, thanks.

    This stood out for me OP. You say that your longest relationship has been 6 months? But you're deciding that someone is THE ONE before that? You're definitely coming on too strong. 6 months isn't enough time to even get to know someone properly, let alone be declaring that they're the one. If a guy did that to me I'd run a mile. He'd come across as much too intense and somewhat suffocating. I would consider it weird to have such strong feeling so early on.

    For example: I met a guy some time ago. We had similar interests and I wound up giving him my number. Within a few days he was texting all the time: as soon as he got up he'd start, he'd wake me up, this went on until he got to work. Then he'd text at lunch time, then he'd start again when he got home and continue until he went to bed. I began to dread getting a text. He started inviting me to go away for the weekend, offering to drop me home, to take me out for the day: all without ever having been on a date. Ignoring him didn't work and eventually I had to tell him in no uncertain terms to leave me alone. I was afraid of bumping into him. We move in the same so ial circle so I see him occasionally, but I will under no circumstances allow myself to be alone with him.

    I'm sure that you're not that bad, but I just wanted to illustrate that coming on too strong too early rather than coming across as committed can come across as stalker-ish, overbearing, and can make a woman genuinely nervous. Just cool it a bit. Make dates, but don't rearrange your life around her. Keep it somewhat casual and relaxed for the first while so she doesn't feel pressured.


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    #13
    silverharp
    Registered Users Posts: 18,274 ✭✭✭✭silverharp


    Op, its in your interests to be defensive at the beginning. The whole point of dating is to have time to check the other person out. All the initial feelings are coming from your "lizard brain" so you should initially not give them that much importance. You will get more respect from someone if you get to know them over a longer period of time and then decide that that individual is the person for you. As it is you might come across as someone who is not a good judge of character , which would be unappealing and you risk attracting someone who might be a nightmare and you only find out when it is too late.

    A belief in gender identity involves a level of faith as there is nothing tangible to prove its existence which, as something divorced from the physical body, is similar to the idea of a soul. - Colette Colfer



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    #14
    Typer Monkey
    Registered Users Posts: 941 ✭✭✭Typer Monkey


    hopeInAll wrote: »

    Mind if I ask why would you run the hills? Is it just weird for someone to develop feelings for the other person early? Just curious, thanks.

    I'd see early intensity as a warning sign of someone's insecurity and tendency towards the dramatic and being suffocating, serious or having a few screws loose tbh! I like laid back, confident, self assured men who I can have the craic with. I'd want a man whose life I slotted into and complimented rather than became the centre of.

    My husband pursued me and made it clear that he was interested from the start but he also didn't lay it on thick or come across as too full on. He had his own life and interests and we had great fun together in the early days (and still do).

    I'm not advocating a 'play hard to get' approach at all but just to ease up a bit initially. You don't have to go crashing in with both feet from the beginning


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    #15
    hopeInAll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭hopeInAll


    Thank you all who have replied so far, its been an eye opener to read your individual POVs. Some mentioned about me coming on too strong, perhaps I do (i still don't think i do) - but I never really thought of it as a bad thing, because genuinely its enthusiasm and happiness rather then the former suggestions (which of course are just illustrating a point rather than saying that I am that way).

    It might be that some people like to take their time to get to know the other person while others tend to go 100 miles an hour from the start and both situations work - I know couples who have been together (as boyfriend and girlfriend) for years - I mean 10+ - and then they tie the knot, after a couple of years they get divorced because of issues, then other couples who have been going out for only a few months, get married and are still together years later and then you got the couples who are in a relationship for years and then get married and still are happily married. So I reckon it all depends on the person you meet.

    For instance, my last girlfriend (fantastic person, really an amazing person) pursued me from the get-go. We (still) know each other for a year, have started going out about 3 months into friendship and broke up 6 or so months later. But, in this time, she was the one who kept texting me not stop (and I also kept texting her all the time) and i loved it, it was a nice feeling to be able to talk to this person about everything without any filters. She was the one who had "marriage plans" and "family views" - within this time and again I had no issues with that because we had so many things in common, it would be easier to count the stuff we didn't (which wasn't a lot).

    We were in love (or whatever the definition is) and then we broke up, out of the blue, all the "plans" were gone, and all that remains are the memories of someone amazing who turns out either got bored and never had the guts of saying out loud or some other reason - I never got the reason from her. So I don't know. I think I will be a lot more careful next time. Don't put myself out to get smashed so easily.


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    #16
    bilbot79
    Registered Users Posts: 2,009 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    hopeInAll wrote: »
    That's an interesting approach, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that women don't like that feeling. Must be just me. Its definitely something to try and see, never been that way inclined - pretend to not be bothered, apparently I wear my heart on my sleeve so it might be tougher said than done but I must start learning otherwise it will just keep happening...
    Thank you!

    I've a mate who just seems to want to deliver the textbook edition of what a girl wants and it's no different to how you describe yourself. It's like you cant understand why it's not working when you're giving exactly what they say they want but it doesn't work like that. That stuff is so attractive because it's in short supply...within a certain subset of attractive guys. So the trick here is a two pronged approach...be attractive....and THEN be perfect....not the one dimensional perfection you're offering now


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    #17
    hopeInAll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭hopeInAll


    bilbot79 wrote: »
    I've a mate who just seems to want to deliver the textbook edition of what a girl wants and it's no different to how you describe yourself. It's like you cant understand why it's not working when you're giving exactly what they say they want but it doesn't work like that. That stuff is so attractive because it's in short supply...within a certain subset of attractive guys. So the trick here is a two pronged approach...be attractive....and THEN be perfect....not the one dimensional perfection you're offering now

    Precisely mate! Its the the damnedest thing I oughta tell you.
    But anyway, such is life, you fall you get back up right? That's how the saying goes. So dust myself off, learn and keep moving.
    Thanks a mil for that, appreciate it, (kinda, not in a bad way) glad to hear there are others in similar situations as myself.


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