Fertility and marriage

galson

Hello everyone. I'm a 36 old male and have been married for 5 years now, during which we've been trying for a baby. However, with no results we decided to visit a fertility clinic, did all the tests, etc., and at our consultation with the doctor we unfortunately found out that the probability of my wife getting pregnant is around 9-10%. It was quite a devastating hit for us, we were recommended to undergo the IVF, however I am afraid we cannot afford it, as it would be around 5-10k. My wife is devastated and I don't really know how to deal with it, I try to be there for her, but it helps very little, as she blames herself now, thinks she's hopeless, etc. which I say she isn't and I ensure her I still love her and always will no matter what. She says she needs to get away somewhere on her own and sort everything out. It is a rough time for both of us, although I am more worried about her health and the state of her mind than her being unable to concieve. I don't want our marriage to end because of this either and I believe we can still be happy as long as we have each other. She just keeps blaming herself for destroying our dream of a little daughter instead...

saraj14

Hi galson,
I'm actually in the same position as your wife. I'm the cause of my husband and I struggling to conceive. I do blame myself and hate the fact that my husband may never know the joy of being a father. It breaks my heart. I'm more upset for him actually. I've made peace with my situation.

I've been through 3 rounds of IVF. It isn't a quick fix. To be honest i think it is all a bit of luck. So even if you do get the money together, think about it fully.

She needs to talk to someone. I've no words of wisdom or a quick fix, but i want you to know that you're not the only couple going through this.

There is a fertility issue section on boards.ie "Long termers TTC". You both might find it helpful.

Wishing you both the best x

galson

Thanks saraj14 for the answer, I know it's not a quick fix at all, and we were told right away that the chance of IVF succeeding would be around 35-45%. We did the tests, and her AMH is 2.76 with only 2-3 follicles and she took it as if she's not fully a woman anymore I think... I'll definitely check the thread and others in that forums. You see, I am more concerned with how she feels about the situation and herself, and her inability to conceive would be a secondary thing to worry about at this point. She says 'I'm hopeless, I can't even give you a baby', etc. but then again, wasn't the vow 'in health and sickness' to begin with? Although I know female mind is a lot more complicated than that.

I'm going to talk to her about possible IVF, maybe somewhere where it's cheaper? It doesn't necessarily have to be Ireland, we could inquire in Poland where she's from.

Merkin

A friend of mine tried IVF here in Dublin and it cost a lot so they decided to go to a clinic in Prague and they now have a gorgeous baby girl. I think it worked out at a third of the price and they got pregnant on the first round there! I can find out the name of the clinic if you like.

LegacyUser

OP, just to let you know - there is a government sponsored IVF program in Poland, but the new government that has just been elected decided not to extend it, so it will be stopped in about 6 months. If you want to avail of it (you'd have to find out if you are eligible), you need to hurry.

If I was in your wife's position, the one thing I'd want to hear over and over again, is that we will find a way to be fantastically happy, even if it's just the two of us. Research your options, but focus on making your life together wonderful, regardless of the outcome. For now, just give yourselves time and space to get over the shock. Let the difficult emotions be, they are completely natural, and have to run their course before you both reach a sense of acceptance.

Look after each other, but don't grieve just yet, and don't lose hope. The chance is small, but it's there, it's not all over yet.

Sound Bite

OP, can I suggest you do don't talk to her about IVF at all at the moment.

She doesn't need suggestions on how to improve the situation at the moment, she needs reassurance that the current situation won't change her marriage.

She may be feeling as if her body has failed her.

She may be struggling to accept so some people can easily & accidentally get pregnant whereas she can't conceive - she may be angry at the unfairness. She will grief for the loss of the children she had planned.

She will almost definitely be worried that she has let you down, that she has deprived you of a child and your future hopes and dreams. She will be wondering if she is 'enough' for you on her own or if your desire to have children will see you leave her.

These are real fears and the fact that her head will be all over the place and her self esteem on the floor, these fears will be multiplied. She knows you have other options if you want child, she doesn't and it will hurt like hell.

Let her take a few days alone if she really wants them, but most likely she wants reassurance, reassurance that it's ok, reassurance that you love her and that your love for her is more important that any desire to have children. Maybe take a break together.

Good luck op, it's a tough time.

skallywag

saraj14 wrote: »

I've been through 3 rounds of IVF. It isn't a quick fix. To be honest i think it is all a bit of luck.

A big +1 on this, exactly my own experience.

I'd also advise the OP to take a look at the forum which Saraj mentions. IVF can be one hell of a ride ...

iusedtoknow

We're childless, not by choice. My wife had a radical hysterectomy following a nasty life threatening ectopic pregnancy, the decision was made for us.

One thing that I'll recommend is counseling for both of you, we had it following 3 years of infertility before we succeeded (via iui, which is the one we lost)due to the strain it put on us. It made such a difference, and made such a difference when we knew it wasn't going to happen for us.

For a while it felt like there was a hole, but it's being filled. My wife's career has taken off and we travel and enjoy life, even though it wasn't the one we planned.

Reassure your wife that things will pan out, because they will. Focus on that.

Neyite

A round of IVF is about €5,000 or under here, they usually advise that the first go is a trial run of sorts - see how the meds need adjusting and so on, so they usually suggest having enough for 3 rounds.

If you go abroad - especially if your wife is from Poland and can research clinics there, you probably will get much more value for money in reputable clinics. In many cases they often have better technology than the Irish clinics. Choose somewhere that's convenient to an airport with budget airlines to help with costs. Most couples I know who went abroad took out a credit union loan for 'a new car' or 'a new kitchen', and took a few 'city breaks'. Its far more common than people think.

IVF and other fertility treatment is hard. It's physically hard, and emotionally and financially too. Even if you badly want a child, actually committing to IVF and getting into a whirlwind of acronyms and injections and hormones going haywire, is a big step and takes a bit of time to get your head around.

But that is a way off yet. Both of you are still young enough not to panic just yet. Right now, I'd suggest counselling. You need to remind her that you are a family already. I remember telling my partner at one point that. That I'd be very sad if treatment didn't work for us, but that he is my family and our future would be ok even if we never had children. We are and always will be a team, just a smaller one than we expected.

What I'd suggest is that you tell your wife that for now. Park the topic until at least after Christmas, just enjoy being together, look into counselling and when she is ready a few months down the line, you can look into further options. Here is the Trying to Conceive forum on boards. I was there 5 years ago, had a baby and now I'm back there, but I mainly stick to the Long Term TTC thread now, where its mostly women in various stages of assisted conception treatment. We dont get many blokes, but nonetheless, they are equally welcome there. I've got tremendous support from the posters there, and even made a few amazing friends there along the way.

galson

Thanks everyone for the input, really good advice here and how to deal with it and ease the pain. I have mentioned the IVF, however she said she didn't want to do it, at least not yet as she didn't think she'd be able to cope if this fails as well, etc. Maybe in a year or so, but she needs time to deal with it all and clear her head.

@Sound Bite
Yes, this exactly is as you describe it. She also says it's even harder when I'm around as she can't look me in the eyes now. I feel so helpless

LegacyUser

Hi OP

On a purely practical point - I notice your location is Cork; Bishopstown CU do loans for people who are attending the fertility clinic on College Road in Cork. I was a patient there 3 years ago & got all the literature for the application. It was very handy & there was no feeling of being uncomfortable when stating what the loan was for.

I have been through 4 rounds of IVF & have 2 children as a result. I was where you are now and while it is hard to believe that will pass.

I have health insurance & was able to claim €1k for one round of treatment - can you look into this?

And then finally, you will be able to claim 20% back in your year-end tax returns. It's small peanuts in comparison with what needs to be paid out but every little bit helps.

Best of luck to you both x

Floppybits

Hi OP,

I have been through the IVF process and did the clinic you go to not offer you counselling. When we were going through the process in the clinic we went through we had a counselling session and were told that we could avail of the counselling at the clinic at any time. You should check with them to see if they offer that service.

Speaking as someone who went through the whole process, I can emphasize with the position you were in. When we had the counselling session I told the counselor at the time that if there is a problem with either of us I was hoping it was me because I would be better at dealing with it than my wife.

All you can do now is reassure your partner that she is not all things she thinks she is and that you do still love her and stick by her.

screamer

OP my heart goes out to you and your wife. As a woman I think one of the most natural things in the world is to imagine that one day you'll be a mother. I know not everyone wants kids but we all believe that we can procreate. The devastation when you learn you can't is crushing there is no underestimating it.
IVF is a huge commitment it strains your relationship and drains your finances. Every step is like rolling a dice it's a gamble and there are no guarantees at all except that it is an emotional rollercoaster. So you will need to discuss as a couple if it's a route you want to try. I know your wife said not this year but with ivf time is one thing you don't have. Low Amh is just one indicator it doesn't mean you definately won't have kids and even if you cant there are donor egg programs. Take care.

galson

Thanks everyone, I wasn't able to reply earlier. We decided that she'll go to Poland in January and get the hysteroscopy and biopsy done there (hysteroscopy alone here is €1200 and done in a hospital is a long wait, at least 6 months, it's around €400 over there). She wants another doctor to give her a second opinion too. I'm just telling her we can't give up yet. I know time is of the essence when it comes to IVF, but I cannot force it on her and persist about it as it could make things worse - instead of supporting her I'd be nagging her to do it in the end. The IVF is a long and bumpy road but it is bad enough now, when her dream about having children is crushed.

HopefulGirl

Hi Galson
Have been where your wife is. when I was 36 went to a fertility clinic also in Cork for tests following a year of trying to be told I had premature ovarian failure there were only 3 follicles when a scan was performed. It turned out I hadn't been ovulating at all. In a follow up scan they found other probs which meant that even if I could get pregnant that I would find it difficult to carry a child to term. letters sent to gp who explained that they would prob go down the donor egg route as I wasn't a good candidate for IVF. To say I was devastated would be an understatement cried and cried and urged husband to leave me for someone who would give him children. It is a very bleak feeling. before we embarked on IVF we tried everything we could laid off alcohol, tea, coffee, tried a fertility friendly diet and I took agnus castus herbal supplements. Following yet another ultrasound of the ovaries where I only had 2 follicles on one ovary and one on another but had begun ovulating the previous month we went home from clinic ready to embark on IVF. Had an appointment with consultant a few weeks later however that week we found I was pregnant with our now 3 year old son and this was from only 3 follicles. This was with doc being negative about using my eggs. But if it hadn't happened we would have definitely pursued the IVF route. There is always hope but at this stage your wife is there feels like there isn't. I hope it will work out for you both this is a very difficult time for both of you.

CaraMay

Op acupuncture is supposed to be very good for stress and helping with preparing the body for pregnancy. It might be nice for your wife to go for some sessions.

stickybookmark

OP the public system in Ireland now gives you two free rounds of IUI. I would get the GP to refer you into the public system immediately as with all things on public system there is a waiting time involved so the sooner you get started on the waiting list the better. You can do this and also pursue the stuff in Poland as well.

lashes34

stickybookmark wrote: »

OP the public system in Ireland now gives you two free rounds of IUI.

Since when? Do you have something to back that up?

stickybookmark

lashes34 wrote: »

Since when? Do you have something to back that up?

Lady on rollercoaster mentioned she was getting it last month. Just tried to find her post and can't but from a google search it's mentioned in a few threads:

http://www.weddingsonline.ie/discussion/cumh-public-fertility-clinic-t373724.html


http://www.rollercoaster.ie/Discussions/tabid/119/ForumView/0/ForumThread/12268870/Default.aspx

http://www.weddingsonline.ie/discussion/iui-2012-thread-t346576-150.html

irishlady29

galson wrote: »

Hello everyone. I'm a 36 old male and have been married for 5 years now, during which we've been trying for a baby. However, with no results we decided to visit a fertility clinic, did all the tests, etc., and at our consultation with the doctor we unfortunately found out that the probability of my wife getting pregnant is around 9-10%. It was quite a devastating hit for us, we were recommended to undergo the IVF, however I am afraid we cannot afford it, as it would be around 5-10k. My wife is devastated and I don't really know how to deal with it, I try to be there for her, but it helps very little, as she blames herself now, thinks she's hopeless, etc. which I say she isn't and I ensure her I still love her and always will no matter what. She says she needs to get away somewhere on her own and sort everything out. It is a rough time for both of us, although I am more worried about her health and the state of her mind than her being unable to concieve. I don't want our marriage to end because of this either and I believe we can still be happy as long as we have each other. She just keeps blaming herself for destroying our dream of a little daughter instead...

Hi OP
I really feel for you and your wife. I too was in a similar situation, over two and half years ago, but due to a potential life threatening disease that was caught early, IVF was ruled out for me and had to have surgeries and treatment over a 15 month period.
Going through my own journey, what I learned was the importance of communication, sounds obvious, but really is so important. I kept things to myself and played things down, as I didn't want to upset or worry my OH. This really was so destructive as things festered and my head got so full of worries which caused me to build up a barrier between us. My intentions were to protect my OH as I had a lot of guilt and felt responsible for putting him through this living nightmare.
Another thing I learned, and wish I learned it sooner, was to let people in. I didn't want people to know, kept it a secret, worried about who knew what. This was exhausting, and again, caused further more anxiety and wasted a lot of energy.
I cannot stress the importance of counselling. Both individual and couple counselling. Again I wish I learned this sooner. I went to individual counselling, and the relief of being able to talk about my fears and concerns was invaluable. The one thing I found so hard to talk about was the guilt I was carrying for putting my OH through this, I'm only really able to acknowledge it now and accept this wasn't my fault, just one of those things.
I wish you both well on this tough journey ye are going through, ye will both have good days and bad days. All you can do is assure your wife you love her, suggest and encourage counselling and be kind to each other.
Hope this is of some help to you.

galson

Thank you everyone, it's really heartwarming to see all these posts and advice. Anyways, what we decided to do first is that she will go to Poland and do the hysteroscopy there, as well as repeat the tests and get a second opinion from a doctor there too. She can visit her family as well, which I think will be good for her. I've recently learned that friends of mine went through similar situation - they've been trying for 10 years with no results, then treatment and 3 courses of IUI until they succeeded with their first daughter. Some time later they were going to go for it again, but it turned out she was already pregnant with their second daughter! So nothing what doctors say should be taken as absolute!
Other thing with my wife is, in order to start any IVF she needs to lose some weight as the doctor said her bmi was too high, plus she also suffers from hypothyroidism, so it'll take awhile till we can start any kind of treatment at all. Gives us some time to save up in the other hand...

It's hard times for both of us for sure, although I know we're not alone on this boat.

Again, thank you all for posting, and the words of comfort