Workaholic Boyfriend- am I being selfish?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I need advice. I've been with my current boyfriend a year. His job is not the usual 9-5, Mon-Friday and he can clock up to 120 hours a week. The only time I see him is when he calls over once or twice a week to stay over, in which he arrives late when I'm in bed and sleeps until he has to get back up for work- leaving not much time for hanging out or catching up!

I'm in a fast paced job too and am constantly working towards deadlines but nowhere near the same magnitude of his hours. He never asks about my life/work and constantly talks about his job when he's not working. That said, when we do get to see each other properly he's a great boyfriend and person. We get along brilliantly, have the same interests and are the best of friends. But I'm just worried this is what my life is going to be like in 5 years time with him. I also feel he is missing out on the little things in life- spending time with family and friends, lazy days etc. His work just seems never ending.

He keeps saying things will quieten down eventually, I want to believe him but for some reason I think he will just get busier when he gets promoted etc. I'm just feeling really down about it. Am I being selfish feeling like this?

skallywag

120 hours a week? That's insane.

Nobody can sustain that. He will almost certainly burn-out before too long, and that will not be a pretty sight.

Try to convince him to cut it back, for the sake of his health.

farmerjj

17hrs a day,7days a wk... If he does that most weeks I m surprised you see him at all, that's mental hours work hours. Like other poster said burn out will happen soon at those hrs.

magneticimpulse

People will make time out of their day to spebd quality time - even barack obama makes time for his family. To be honest i dont think anybody has an excuse to not see someone. Are you sure it is more than a friends with benefits situation? Doesnt seem like he makes quality time apart from having sex twice a week.

LegacyUser

We haven't had sex recently as we are on different time schedules so I don't think its that!

My main concern is being with someone like this when the time comes to settle down/have a family.

Ursus Horribilis

OP are you sure he's genuinely this busy? Or indeed that you're actually a proper couple? It sounds suspiciously like a friends with benefits arrangement.

LegacyUser

Odus fell down wrote: »

OP are you sure he's genuinely this busy? Or indeed that you're actually a proper couple? It sounds suspiciously like a friends with benefits arrangement.

Yep I'm sure. This season is his busiest time of the year.

suicide_circus

As bad habits go, its not the worst

Dughorm

Unsure123 wrote: »

He keeps saying things will quieten down eventually, I want to believe him but for some reason I think he will just get busier when he gets promoted etc. I'm just feeling really down about it. Am I being selfish feeling like this?

I'd say you're right about his hours - no point beating about the bush here. If he is a professional and he has "busy season" then getting promoted will result in more work not less. Managers tend to work more hours clearing up other's mistakes on top of their own work!

It depends on whether you're comfortable with this long term? There are some people who put down clear boundaries about their personal time but it's not easy to do this especially if he's building his career.

Are you selfish? - No. People naturally like to spend time with their other half!

But if you are not comfortable with another few years (at least) of this then you may need to consider your options.

Tasden

You mentioned that the only time you see him is when he comes over to stay at yours. Is there any way you can go to his, maybe the idea of going somewhere other than home after a long day doesn't appeal to him so if you were to stay at his/go over to his for a couple hours some of the days you'd see each other more.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think you're being selfish at all but you are right to be concerned. Will things be quietening down in the new year? If they are, my advice to you would be to sit down with him when he's less stressed and tell him what you've told us. See how things go. If he continues to be consumed by his job and not capable of making time for you, then you may have a decision to make.

iusedtoknow

My wife recently dropped from 100+ hours a week to 80 on the clock (does not take into account stuff she does on her off hours) - she has nearly regained a "day" of her time. However between my job which is a lot of early mornings and hers which is what ever she's rostered on + on-call we can sometimes go days without seeing each other....but this is our expectation. I knew what I was getting into

Is there anyway that you can meet during work hours? We try and have dinner together once a week when she is working either in the cafeteria or a restaurant close by that at least buys us an hour. If i'm free, we meet for a coffee etc.

However..if this really is his busy time, then there may be nothing you can do - except talk to him about it and how it makes you feel. Even though he may not be able to change his hours, he may be able to be more considerate in the evenings and free time.

dixiefly

Those are crazy and unsustainable hours. way beyond what I would have ever worked and I have been in some pretty long hour jobs.

What area does he work in as a matter of interest and is he self employed?

Boskowski

I know people are entitled to do whatever they wish with their lives but imho such a person is not in a position to date anyone.
You said he's great when you spend time together. When would that be I wonder? When you pass each other in the hall? Sorry for being so blunt but this is madness.

imitation

Its probably not going to get much better, unless he is trying to save for something big, he has a taste for doing a lot of work and that will probably stay with him for the rest of his life.

What will it be like if ye start a life together, get a mortgage and kids, they will probably be an impetuous to work harder, not less.

woodchuck

While I agree that those hours are unsustainable in the long run, it sounds like that's just type of person he is and probably always will be. You have to ask yourself if you think the two of you are really compatible and if you'll be happy with a workaholic in the long-term? Personally it's not for me. I want someone I can actually spend my evenings and weekends with.

Eric Cartman

OP coming at it from the other side , I work 80-90 hours a week, have done for years.

My biggest issue with partners has been compromise. Anyone Ive ever talked to working similar hours always feels the same , the "9-5" half of the relationship always seem to feel that the other needs to adjust down to their schedule, or try to conform to the "normal" hours. My suggestion would be meet up for dinner at their workplace once a week, stay awake 2 hours later than usual to spend some time with them a day or two a week. simple things.

this idea that you can be with someone who you knew worked odd/long hours and expect them to bend around your "9-5 work, asleep by 12" kind of craic is just unrealistic. (not saying OP fits in to the 9-5 but its the usual example)

LynnGrace

Unsure123 wrote: »

He never asks about my life/work and constantly talks about his job when he's not working.

He keeps saying things will quieten down eventually, I want to believe him but for some reason I think he will just get busier when he gets promoted etc. I'm just feeling really down about it. Am I being selfish feeling like this?

The first line that I have quoted here, really stood out to me.
It sounds like it's all about him, in his world.

To answer your question, OP, I don't think you are selfish, but I think he might well be.

I guess this could be a snapshot of your future. Only you can decide if this would work for you. What if, for example, you had children, would this pattern continue, leaving most of the family life, everyday stuff up to you?
It works for some people, I know, but not for others.

screamer

120 hours a week seriously if he's an employee that's a serious breach of maximum hours. So he's doing 3 times the average week does ve get 3 times the pay? Didn't think so. Problem with workaholic is they are driven by the pressure and almost addicted to it. That won't change he will forever be chasing the next promotion. So envisage your life 5 yeArs from now lovely house lovely car couple of kids and a partner you never see. Bliss if your materialistic person hell if you're not. You need to decide what future you want and make some choices.

LegacyUser

I go through phases of working long hours, but I think 90 hours a week is the max I've ever done - like around 12 hour days (not counting lunch). I find it seriously hard to believe he's doing 17 hour days. Like with a half hour commute and a half hour to go out to buy food at lunchtime, that's 18.5 hours gone. So he's doing all that, on 5 hours sleep, every night?

I know doctors have a dreadful time of it re hours, but I can't think of any other job where he wouldn't be pulled aside and told to stop - even from the company's point of view of safeguarding themselves. Or is it his own business (in which case I see it never stopping - maybe less hours, but always fairly absent).

The reason I'm wondering what he does is that I'm thinking he could have another life - gf or family - and 'work' is the reason he 'can't' see you. Have you met his friends and family? It just sounds so strange to me. Unless he does like 50 hours a week normally, and the 120 hours thing is quite infrequent?

If the 120 hours is a regular thing and he's an employee, I'd say there's a very good chance that he's lying to you. If it's his own business, then I'd say he's probably not lying to you, but I'd question whether he will always be working some degree of crazy hours - if he has that much of a driven personality for his own business. You need to decide to what kind of degree you can handle that. I don't think it would be fair to expect him to do a 9 to 5 on it, but anything other than a few weeks of just seeing you to sleep is pretty rude really.

CaraMay

Op as was outlined above, he's not in the position to be anyone's boyfriend as his lifestyle doesn't allow it. How long has this been going on for? No one expects him to pull back to 9-5 but is it not a runner to cut back 1/2 evenings per week. If not, combined with the fact he never asks about you, world lead me to believe he's not that interested after all.

LegacyUser

I am in the same boat, working long hours, similar to the OPs boyfriend, doing my utmost to make time whenever and however I can to spend time with the people I care about. I find some of the responses horrendous. There are many professions where that level of work exists... In addition to doctors.. There's vets, farmers, Ai men, anyone working in agriculture, or a seasonally dependant job can go through periods, and sometimes long periods where they only element of their life is work. Some people enjoy it, others don't and want more of a standard 9-5 life. If you can't handle the nature of his job OP, don't hurt yourself and him by staying. This isn't a small obstacle, if he loves what he does your asking him to choose between it and you. And that's not fair. He sounds like a hard working, driven individual, who probably is doing his best to meet you when he can because he cares about you. You should respect that. If you can't get out.
To the people saying he may have another family, that's a big leap. Just because you can't imagine working those hours doesn't mean that isn't his reality.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks to everyone for their advice.

I don't want to give too much away here, but lets just say he is quite high up in retail. Last week he worked 10 days in a row clocking up 120 hours *that's why I stated in my first post up to 120 hours*. His typical working week since mid-October has been about 100 hours a week.

I ended up talking to him and telling him how I was feeling. I understand his role in the company requires alot of hours coming up to Christmas, but what hurts me the most is when I do see him, it's all about him. Or he's asleep until he needs to get up!! He apologized profusely, saying things will change. But ever since that talk he keeps saying how sad he feels to have hurt me and how everyone has noticed how sad he looks. Again, it's all about him. I actually never realized how selfish a person he was until all of this came up.

To the posters who think he is lying/treating this as a casual relationship- I am 100% certain it's not. I know his family and friends well. They are also concerned about his working hours and how it is consuming his life.

To be honest, I don't want to be with someone like this. The working hours I can probably cope with, however the selfish personality trait I'm starting to see is not sitting well with me. But I'm in love with him so I don't know what to do

Ursus Horribilis

Unsure123 wrote:

To be honest, I don't want to be with someone like this. The working hours I can probably cope with, however the selfish personality trait I'm starting to see is not sitting well with me. But I'm in love with him so I don't know what to do

Maybe you'll start to fall out of love with him as you start to notice his selfish streak more and more.

Penny Tration

Op, he has a choice here.

It is illegal to work that many hours in a retail environment. He is choosing to allow the working time organisation act to be broken because that's what he wants.

screamer

Unsure123 wrote: »

Op here.

To be honest, I don't want to be with someone like this. The working hours I can probably cope with, however the selfish personality trait I'm starting to see is not sitting well with me. But I'm in love with him so I don't know what to do

He sounds like an egotistical person probably thinks the shop would call down without him. He'd soon see how they'd survive without him if they made him redundant. No one is irreplaceable to a company.

OP you know what you need to do love yourself more and make a break for the chance to find someone who isnt defined by the badge they wear. Be brave.

silverbolt

magneticimpulse wrote: »

People will make time out of their day to spebd quality time - even barack obama makes time for his family. To be honest i dont think anybody has an excuse to not see someone. Are you sure it is more than a friends with benefits situation? Doesnt seem like he makes quality time apart from having sex twice a week.

where on earth does he say he shows up and has sex and then leaves?

suicide_circus wrote: »

As bad habits go, its not the worst

Its not the best either. What has he got to show for it? A girlfriend he is making miserable who has real doubts about thier future, a bit of money in the bank. When he gets older (assuming he doesnt drop dead of a heart attack before hes 40), family? Kids? Pets? None of that.

I cant see this working long term OP, he will burn out and you will have to clean it up. He needs to change what hes doing.

Life is for living not working yourself into an early grave

LegacyUser

I agree with the other posters here. Working on a regular basis for a 100 hours a week plus is crazy. Long term it will effect his health. At the moment you hardly see him. When you do see him he talks about himself and work. Along with this his other friends and family are concered about the amount of hours he is working.

I watched an ex freind of mine who I will call Mary do the same as your boyfriend. She started in a junior role in this company over 20 years ago. She did a degree and different exams to move up the ladder. By the time she was in her mid 20's she had a managment role. She worked 12 to 14 hours at least 3 of the 5 days she worked.
Now in her mid 40's Mary took reduncany from this job as she could not take the stress any longer. She never got married as she never gave time to relationships in the past. She has hardly any friends due to the same reason. Along with this she looks a lot older than the other people she was in school with due the stress and long hours she worked.

I have a friend and years ago they said - Work in part of life but it should not be your whole life.
You need to decide if you can a have boyfiend whos job always comes first. From what you have said about him along with this any time you meet it is always about him. You have told him how you feel but he has still made no changes to his life or the hours he is working?
I think you know that long term your not willing to put up with this.
You told him how you feel and he has made no change to his work hours. At this stage \i would tell him it is over and move on with your own life. You deserve to have a man who you can spent time and build a relationship with.

ManOfMystery

The issue now doesn't seem to be his long working hours as such, it's his ego and how everything is turned back to focus on him.

Will he burn himself out? Likely yes. I once had a job where I worked 7 days a week, 8am to midnight. I managed those 112-hour weeks for 5 months as I felt it was all a means to an end (hard work at the start, but doing so would yield results and a promotion) .............. then one day I just packed it in as I had lost weight, hadn't seen family or friends, was physically and mentally exhausted and just couldn't take it any more.

Your boyfriend will likely hit the same wall at some point, and he'll either sign off on stress or just pack it in. Nobody can sustain those kind of hours longterm. When this happens, I'd expect that - as an egotistical person - the lack of intense focus on his job will progress to something else instead, and it will be all poor me, poor me. You may have more time with him physically, but I get a sense that the focus will never be on you as a couple.

silverbolt

Guest1988 wrote: »

I am in the same boat, working long hours, similar to the OPs boyfriend, doing my utmost to make time whenever and however I can to spend time with the people I care about. I find some of the responses horrendous. There are many professions where that level of work exists... In addition to doctors.. There's vets, farmers, Ai men, anyone working in agriculture, or a seasonally dependant job can go through periods, and sometimes long periods where they only element of their life is work. Some people enjoy it, others don't and want more of a standard 9-5 life. If you can't handle the nature of his job OP, don't hurt yourself and him by staying. This isn't a small obstacle, if he loves what he does your asking him to choose between it and you. And that's not fair. He sounds like a hard working, driven individual, who probably is doing his best to meet you when he can because he cares about you. You should respect that. If you can't get out.
To the people saying he may have another family, that's a big leap. Just because you can't imagine working those hours doesn't mean that isn't his reality.

He sounds like a man whose going to be dead by the time hes 40 and all anyone will be able to say about him is "didnt he work hard?"

I did the stupidly long hours in my mid twenties. I worked from 8 in the morning till midnight six days a week. I passed the 100 hour mark all the time. Yeah the money was fantastic but my social life and health suffered. I nearly lost my partner because whenever she saw me i was stressed and miserable and angry. The biggest thing I learned from it.

Its not worth it. There is more to life than busting your ass to make someone else money

discus

Odus fell down wrote: »

OP are you sure he's genuinely this busy? Or indeed that you're actually a proper couple? It sounds suspiciously like a friends with benefits arrangement.

OPs boyfriend is probably very ambitious, and if that doesn't suit her, maybe she should move onto another boyfriend.

Wompa1

Unsure123 wrote: »

Op here. Thanks to everyone for their advice.

I don't want to give too much away here, but lets just say he is quite high up in retail. Last week he worked 10 days in a row clocking up 120 hours *that's why I stated in my first post up to 120 hours*. His typical working week since mid-October has been about 100 hours a week.

I ended up talking to him and telling him how I was feeling. I understand his role in the company requires alot of hours coming up to Christmas, but what hurts me the most is when I do see him, it's all about him. Or he's asleep until he needs to get up!! He apologized profusely, saying things will change. But ever since that talk he keeps saying how sad he feels to have hurt me and how everyone has noticed how sad he looks. Again, it's all about him. I actually never realized how selfish a person he was until all of this came up.

To the posters who think he is lying/treating this as a casual relationship- I am 100% certain it's not. I know his family and friends well. They are also concerned about his working hours and how it is consuming his life.

To be honest, I don't want to be with someone like this. The working hours I can probably cope with, however the selfish personality trait I'm starting to see is not sitting well with me. But I'm in love with him so I don't know what to do

What's his goal? What does he want to get out of it? There's a great podcast that I listen to. The guy is just about to get married in his mid 40's. He says all of his relationships in his 20's until his mid 30's failed because his partners couldn't accept the amount of work he was doing. He valued success over everything else.

I currently work from the minute I wake up until the minute I decide to go to bed. Usually that's can be 7 days a week. My fiance is worried about me burning out but also understands why I do it. I have a goal. I want to be able to buy a house with either no mortgage or a small mortgage. It's for future security. I hope to get into a position in which, not only do I not have to work these long hours but I also don't have to worry about what job I do. I can even work part time and pay the bills if my major expenses are taken care of.

At least that's what it's my head. It took me years working free overtime and doing extra work outside of work e.g. getting a book published, presenting at conferences etc. to get to the position that I'm in now. I'm just trying to maintain this position until I have what I want. Maybe that's what he thinks.

If you're not ok with his motives and what he's doing. You may have to leave if what you want, goes against what he wants. It's tough to compromise on career goals when young.

Eric Cartman

lady 2029 wrote: »

I agree with the other posters here. Working on a regular basis for a 100 hours a week plus is crazy. Long term it will effect his health. At the moment you hardly see him. When you do see him he talks about himself and work. Along with this his other friends and family are concered about the amount of hours he is working.

I watched an ex freind of mine who I will call Mary do the same as your boyfriend. She started in a junior role in this company over 20 years ago. She did a degree and different exams to move up the ladder. By the time she was in her mid 20's she had a managment role. She worked 12 to 14 hours at least 3 of the 5 days she worked.
Now in her mid 40's Mary took reduncany from this job as she could not take the stress any longer. She never got married as she never gave time to relationships in the past. She has hardly any friends due to the same reason. Along with this she looks a lot older than the other people she was in school with due the stress and long hours she worked.

I have a friend and years ago they said - Work in part of life but it should not be your whole life.
You need to decide if you can a have boyfiend whos job always comes first. From what you have said about him along with this any time you meet it is always about him. You have told him how you feel but he has still made no changes to his life or the hours he is working?
I think you know that long term your not willing to put up with this.
You told him how you feel and he has made no change to his work hours. At this stage \i would tell him it is over and move on with your own life. You deserve to have a man who you can spent time and build a relationship with.

Im really sick of that line coming up. 90% of the time it isn't about the job coming first. Im sure the boyfriend would do 35 hours a week if he could achieve the same progression / salary but he obviously has a goal he wants to reach that demands these hours. He's not putting a silly job first. He's putting his future , which likely includes him and the OP living comfortably first. It is likely a case that he can either do the 100+ hours a week or no hours a week. Not every job allows you to go to the boss and say "agh hear can I pear back the hours a bit". Every time this gets treated as an absolute choice, like its short term black and white scenario when its not.

LegacyUser

Op here with an update. I finished with my boyfriend. Things quietened down for him in work after Christmas, leaving his selfish traits in full view.

Thanks to all for the advice. Need to start the grieving process now.

ManOfMystery

Sorry to hear that OP, unfortunately that's what a few of us predicted would happen. Take it as a silver lining, it sounds like you're better off without him.

danboy34

I've been the workaholic boyfriend tbh. Maybe it makes me selfish I don't know but it's your career. When you're in that mind set you cant get out of it...

dixiefly

Confused 1234 wrote: »

Op here with an update. I finished with my boyfriend. Things quietened down for him in work after Christmas, leaving his selfish traits in full view.

Thanks to all for the advice. Need to start the grieving process now.

Well done on coming back with the update. Too many people get advice and dont come back with the real story when it becomes clear.

dixiefly

danboy34 wrote: »

I've been the workaholic boyfriend tbh. Maybe it makes me selfish I don't know but it's your career. When you're in that mind set you cant get out of it...

Yes, many of us have at certain times but the OP's issue was the selfishness that was also manifesting itself.