Relationship Woes

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm with my girlfriend almost 5 years now. We're both in our third year of college. It's fair to say we have both had bouts of depression but she has always suffered with it and recently it has escalated.

When we first began seeing one another several years ago I found out that she had been self harming for a while and even attempted suicide a few times. She refused then and still refuses now to seek help or get counselling. I have always tried to be there for her but recently I find it increasingly hard to be there for her. Last week, after having s feeling that something wasn't right, she told me she self harmed again, this hit me hard. I assured her I was there for her.

I feel as if her depression is bringing me down - its hard to explain... She has long hours at college and when she comes home all she wants to do is watch TV. I feel like her negative and tired energy is having an effect on me. She has no Hobies whatsoever, I have tried to get her into different activities but to no avail. The fact that she won't seek out help frustrates me, I'm the only one who knows and feel like the weight of the situation is affecting me.

Maybe I'm sounding selfish but since bettering myself and finding ways of dealing with what depression or negative feelings I had/have by taking on a new hobby(ies), I feel like the relationship is going backwards or not really going forwards properly. She won't help herself and if she won't there's nothing I can do anymore.

SAMTALK

Has she any family members you could talk to? I dont mean to to sound harsh but you also need to look after yourself. Ye are both probably under a bit of pressure with college exams etc so ye need to seek help before it gets out of control. I hope ye get the help ye need

DukeOfTheSharp

I was in a situation similar to yours, and all I can tell you is this: you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Your girlfriend was self-harming and suicidal before your relationship, and without help this was always going to be the way it ended up. Add into the mix the pressures of college, and it becomes all too easy for people with depression to ignore their problems and put it all down to the college work. If this is beginning to make you struggle, it's not selfish to want space to get your head together, or feel like you've some sort of control over your own life. You can't just sit there and take this, it's unfair, because you care about her, but she doesn't care about herself.

Another problem you might face - and one I did face - is that your girlfriend might actually start resenting you and concocting narratives about you that she'll attribute her depression to; you're too supportive, you're too worried, she's hurting you too and can't handle it, etc. You need to decide whether your mental health can afford to take the hit it's currently taking, you can't be a martyr and have your mental health suffer trying to help her. She's the only one who can help herself, so you've got to figure out if all this pain and anguish you're feeling it worth it.

Sleepless and Manic

Advice1012 wrote: »

She refused then and still refuses now to seek help or get counselling. I have always tried to be there for her but recently I find it increasingly hard to be there for her.

Basically you've been acting as surrogate counselor. And this latest incident has shown up how unsustainable that is.

I'd start to get very pushy about her getting help.