new beginnings - casual or more?

rcarroll

I've been dating a guy for about a month and am beginning to wonder if it's going anywhere. He's a busy guy, travels a lot for work and also is big into surfing (so he travels for that too). Recently I'm having doubts as to whether this is just casual to him, but am not sure if it's too early to spring that type of conversation on him. I also don't want to add more pressure to him as he's recently been working an awful lot.

But last week we saw each other just a few hours for a take-away on Friday night, then he went off surfing all weekend, working away during the week and has decided to spend this weekend surfing with his mates again....he promised to be back early sunday to spend time together but when I asked him what time exactly, I was disappointed to hear his version of early was 9.30pm....Ok, during the week he made the effort to come visit me for an hour on Wednesday but I feel like all we get is a snatched hour or two and I don't know if I'm ok with that?

Or should I relax a bit more as it's only the start of things, I don't want to scare him off by making demands he cuts back on his sport? Aside from that he's a really nice guy and constantly says how much he wants to see me...

njs030

When you've only known him for a month it's far too soon to start making demands- especially asking him to spend less time on his sporting hobby to be with you instead!
The early days are for working out if you want a relationship at all- do you?

rcarroll

yeah I do, he has a lot of qualities I really like and I'm very attracted to him and we get on really well and it's easy to spend time with him...I guess I'm trying to figure out if he wants one with me I know he broke up with his ex 6mths ago..I don't know if he's ready or just sees this as a bit of casual fun...I'm gonna be 31 soon and I know it sounds desperate but I don't really want to waste my time on something that's slow moving 'just having a laugh until someone comes along I really want to commit to'....

I guess also I'm not sure about the constant travelling/working in terms of having a relationship with him...if we stay together longer, I don't know if that'll ease up and he'll make more time for us or it'll stay that way

I'd be fairly sporty and very involved in a hobby that generally takes up a full day on the weekends, but if I was dating someone, I think I'd try to keep one evening/day free to do sthing together? to show it's not just a quick meal and a shag type set-up?

njs030

It depends on a lot of things but 6 months out of a long term relationship (if it was long term, I'm presuming here) us quite a short time. Not so much that he might still have feelings for her, moreso that he could still be enjoying doing his own thing.

From what you've said about not wanting to waste time I think you should have a chat in Sunday, try not to make it heavy but work out if he wants a proper relationship and how he thinks he can manage his time better or if he just expects you to wait around until he is free.

rcarroll

yeah you're right, thanks for the advice. I think it's the waiting around to see when he's free bit that dents my pride a bit. I guess after being single for the last 2 years I've become used to suiting myself and am a bit nervous of falling back into old habits (re-arranging my schedule/waiting to see what my partner wants to do)...I don't think I have the courage yet to have the chat, I've hinted once or twice, asking if he met any nice girls on nights out and he laughs it off and says no...but hasn't really picked up that I'm looking to see if we're exclusive or not...

silverbolt

1 month? and you want to talk to him basically saying "stop working, socialising and enjoying time with your friends and spend it with meeeeeeeee" - ok maybe not quite that needy but the point does stand.

Ok the social aspect if you enter the relationship would have to die down somewhat to make time for each other but if he works away? Thats unlikely to change.

Oh and in regards to hints - guys are notoriously bad at that. Can you bring it up casually and see what happens. Plus your 31. Hardly an old spinster.

rcarroll

lol, sorry, I can see how it comes accross that way a bit - no, of course I'd expect the work thing to stay the same. but I guess if I was away the majority of the week, and the weekend socialising, I'd make an effort to spend a bit more time the following weekend with my partner...I'm not expecting the whole weekend together, just a day or half a day to go for a cycle or something

DukeOfTheSharp

If you're seeing this guy for an hour or two a week, even after a month, then it's not serious. Work/hobbies aren't an excuse really, no matter when you're dealing with it. There's such a thing as a weekend, and when that weekend is repeatedly and consistently taken up with a hobby (two weeks in a row surfing? In this weather? Good lord) and his schedule barely changes, you know something isn't right. Throwing you an hour in a week and a takeaway on a Friday hasn't got anything to do with being serious/casual, it shows a severe lack of effort/interest.

I'm going to put it to you this way: you're with this guy a month, how long have you spent together? Have you gone on any actual dates in the last month? Has he made any plans for when he gets back involving the two of you? Because it seems like he's throwing you table scraps. What you want is essentially time with someone you're seeing, a completely natural and normal thing. But when it starts creeping into your head that this could be going effectively nowhere - before it seems to have really started - then you're best bet is to talk to him and say that you're not feeling like this is a two-way street, that you'd like more than a spare hour here and there, and if he has a problem with that? Tell him to jog on. Life's too short to waste time on someone who isn't bothered trying right off the bat.

rcarroll

well, it's just the last two weeks have been short visits. Before that we spent the whole day together and we've gone on dates ( to dinner, drinks etc)...the plan this sunday I think is to go for dinner too (well, I suggested he come back a bit earlier so we can do that, and though he's with his friends and said it depends a bit on them, he'll try).

part of the issue is that I'd be quite busy as well weekdays with hobbies and work, hence the hour meet up on wed...and he does make the effort when he comes back from work to meet me, even when he's wrecked..I guess it's the two weekends in a row surfing that has me thrown..I think you've kind of pinpointed my worries...maybe he's just throwing me scraps, and is not that interested/wants to make the effort

DukeOfTheSharp

rcarroll wrote: »

well, it's just the last two weeks have been short visits. Before that we spent the whole day together and we've gone on dates ( to dinner, drinks etc)...the plan this sunday I think is to go for dinner too (well, I suggested he come back a bit earlier so we can do that, and though he's with his friends and said it depends a bit on them, he'll try).

part of the issue is that I'd be quite busy as well weekdays with hobbies and work, hence the hour meet up on wed...and he does make the effort when he comes back from work to meet me, even when he's wrecked..I guess it's the two weekends in a row surfing that has me thrown..I think you've kind of pinpointed my worries...maybe he's just throwing me scraps, and is not that interested/wants to make the effort

Ok, well this just seems a little...unfair. Especially when you're suggesting that he come back a bit earlier (you've a reasonable head on your shoulders so I'd assume an hour or two just for the sake of ease) and he says it's a bit on them? Is he getting a lift with them? Why does he feel he can't just say 'hey lads, I've got to head out a little early for a date' and be done with it?

Look, at this point you don't necessarily have to 'define' the relationship, but if it's casual vs. serious (as in, he's interested in continuing) then it's not unfair for you to be aware of that. I've known people who've been up front and honest about it, and they've gotten on much better knowing what's happening. Clarity will help you figure things out for yourself, if you want to continue this being casual, go ahead, but if that's not your thing, then you don't have to.

CaraMay

rcarroll wrote: »

lol, sorry, I can see how it comes accross that way a bit - no, of course I'd expect the work thing to stay the same. but I guess if I was away the majority of the week, and the weekend socialising, I'd make an effort to spend a bit more time the following weekend with my partner...I'm not expecting the whole weekend together, just a day or half a day to go for a cycle or something

But you are not him and the reason you are disappointed is because you are expecting him to act as you would.

He sees this clearly as casual dating. Are you the one constantly making arrangements?

Btw you aren't fooling anyone when you ask him if he met anyone on a night out!! He's hardly going yo tell you if he wants you to hang on for him when he's free. It sounds very needy asking tbh

I think you either accept it's casual and treat it like that or walk.

DukeOfTheSharp

CaraMay wrote: »

But you are not him and the reason you are disappointed is because you are expecting him to act as you would.

He sees this clearly as casual dating. Are you the one constantly making arrangements?

Btw you aren't fooling anyone when you ask him if he met anyone on a night out!! He's hardly going yo tell you if he wants you to hang on for him when he's free. It sounds very needy asking tbh

I think you either accept it's casual and treat it like that or walk.

I'm not entirely sure if it is 'clear', given the OP's confusion over it. Traveling down for an hour while he's apparently wrecked is sending mixed signals, along with saying how he can't wait to see her. The issue here is that if he is treating it casually, he has yet to inform the OP of this, and that's incredibly disingenuous and immature on his part. Asking the OP to just 'accept it's casual' is unfair, it's not up to her to know automatically what's going on, and this guy might simply be a completely oblivious muppet who needs to understand he has a responsibility to be honest with someone about his intentions.

rcarroll

Maybe it does seem a bit needy but I thought it was a way to bring it up casually? As for who makes the arrangements - him mostly, he texts me non-stop during the day, sends photos of where he's working, when he's out etc, always sends me a goodmorning and goodnight message, and he asks in advance about when I can meet up and in general if I'm free and he's not working/surfing he'll go meet me wherever I am, even if it is for just a quick chat..which has me confused as to his intentions..

and if he's hardly going to tell me if he met someone else on a night out - then doesn't that go the same way for asking if he's seeing others/where this is going - that's why I'm hesitant to have the chat about us, in general I think if he wants to keep me around, he'd hardly say outright 'yeah this is just a casual hookup for me'...

beks101

Ah, the chronic texter but crap dater. I've met plenty in my time.

Used to call them 'texting boyfriends'. They're all ears when they're bored at work/in bed/at home etc and pretty handy with the fingers when it comes to the 30-second 'morning/night babe', but just can't seem to get it together in real life. Too many other distractions. Work and mates and hobbies and the like.

It sounds like this lad is enjoying the constant female contact and attention but doesn't have room for you in his life. I'm not saying he's using you, but to be fair, texting all day is the easiest thing in the world to do. It's effortless, it's like breathing. Making compromises in your daily life and switching up your schedule because you really like this person and don't want them to think otherwise - well that requires more effort.

Just an inkling from my own personal experience, and one that your own gut seems to be sharing too - he's not willing to make space for you. He likes you a little bit, but not enough. What you're looking for is someone who leaves absolutely no doubt whatsoever about his intentions.

Witchie

I wonder are we dating the same guy?! I started "seeing" someone who lives about 2 hours away and there was flat out texting at first. He insisted he would come to my town to meet me, we had a wonderful evening, really got on well and things were grand. He was texting flat out for days after telling me he couldn't wait to see me again.

Then a week or 2 later his messages started to fade away. Haven't heard from him all week this week. I know he says he is very busy at work and he has a daughter he spends a lot of time with, but not even a text?

Men do my head in. Am so over their crap.

Anyway, good luck with your situation, I am not making any more effort with that one nice and all as he seemed. Done, and I would suggest you do similar.

Came back from collecting my son from town to a message from the guy saying he doesn't want to meet again. Boom. Think he may have read this and decided to put me out of my misery. Another one bites the dust.

Neon_Lights

You're being over eager imho, once or twice a week is grand to start. Just chill sit back and enjoy the ride.

If you try to pin him down and get catty to early he'l lose interest. Just be cool you know and quit worrying what's meant to be will be you can't force it.

ash23

It's a tough situation to be in OP as its very early to be having the talk but I can understand why you want to have it.
Myself and the OH started off a bit like that. Actually looking back on my timehop recently I realised that from our first date it was another 6 weeks before we had another two dates.
It was long distance and children are involved so it was complicated but I genuinely never felt that he wasn't making an effort as he travelled a couple of hours, always was in touch and I think from memory we clarified on the third date that we weren't seeing other people until we saw how things with us went.

So it is possible to not see each other a lot but still feel like a priority and like a relationship is developing.
I simply asked him if he was still meeting people from the dating site I met him on. He said no, he was quite content to see me and asked me the same and got the same answer. Job done. I asked the question in a serious way ( not too heavy but not as a joke) because like yourself, I wasn't interested in wasting time on something that wasn't going anywhere.
If you want to know ask but without making demands. From there you can see if the time he can give you is what you want in a relationship but at least you know that's where its going.

jimd2

It sounds like this relationship is a really slow burner and he is reluctant to change other plans at this stage. I would certainly give him the benefit of the doubt as the various surfing trips could have been planned since before he met you.

I would query however your 'dates' consisting of a takeaway on a friday and (presumably) sex afterwards. The guy sounds as if he isn't short of a few bob and, if I was a single girl, I wouldn't be overly impressed at that attempt of wooing me.

I think you should back off the takeaway & shag routine very quickly. If he suggests it again make some excuse and tell him that you would like to go out somewhere. Try and engineer it that he is not getting 'it' everytime you do end up meeting. Suggest places to go yourself, even day trips hiking or perhaps something in relation to your sport / hobby.

Make him work for you and not assume that a barrage of texts during the week makes up for little contact in person.

I would then give it another month to reassess things it gives him more time to change plans etc to include you.

Neon_Lights

jimd2 wrote: »

I would query however your 'dates' consisting of a takeaway on a friday and (presumably) sex afterwards. The guy sounds as if he isn't short of a few bob and, if I was a single girl, I wouldn't be overly impressed at that attempt of wooing me.

You're ruining it for the rest of us *sigh* .... sounds like an amazing evening, don't listen to him

rcarroll

so, turns out he's collecting his friend off a bus (tickets already bought) and then driving back to meet me a bit earlier than he originally suggested.

As for the take-away shag routine, that isn't the standard date, and not every time we meet up we have sex, in fact, very often he's happy to drive to meet me just for a coffee and tonight we're going out for a meal.

The trips weren't planned before we met, but he has a friend visiting him from his home country (argentina) and probably wanted to show him around a bit. I'll wait and see how things go - I have a feeling you guys are right, that he's not really willing to change his schedule/hobbies to make time for me. Unfortunately, I'm going to be away the next week or two for christmas and so we'll have to wait and see how things pan out. Gonna give him the benefit of the doubt for the next few weeks and maybe have a chat about things with him tonight or another night, I think I just need to know where we stand