Baby name issue

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm going anon on this because it is a sensitive issue, I'm looking for people's opinions to see if I'm over reacting, I feel as if I'm so far in I can't see the wood from the trees. Our baby was born a few months ago, towards the end of the pregnancy my husband kept hinting he wanted to call the baby after a member of his family but I really hated that name, so roll on the birth and we half decided, basically after 18 hour labour I was fairly out of it, we said we would name the baby 'x' a derivative of the name he wanted to use originally. However, when the family member was coming to visit me in the hospital, I got a text from my husband saying do not call baby 'x' in front of this person as they will get upset, so I just went with it. Roll on a few months, the family members are still calling the baby the name I hate and I am the only one using the name my husband and I agreed on, our friends call the baby 'x' but for any of my husbands family it's the name he wanted. I feel like I've been bullied into a name I hate and now the baby is getting confused between the names, please be honest, am I being petty getting so upset over the name? Just as a side my husband never looks after the baby, has changed the baby twice over 8 months, fed maybe 5 times and I must ask him to give the baby a kiss at bed time, I feel lost and depressed and trapped, any advice critical or otherwise would be appreciated,

Intothesea

Hello there. I think you're absolutely right to post this anon, as this sounds like the start of an unknown journey to me. Your husband absolutely has no right to elbow you into taking a detour around the name you want, and then ignore the concession you make. What's that all about, and I know you're asking the same thing.

It certainly seems like he's putting his parents/relatives above you in the naming of your child. This has to feel very very strange to you, something is really off about it, even before you get to the distant way your husband deals with your child.

I'll say this: step back and observe over time the way your husband responds to your genuine feelings of being neglected and disrespected about this matter. Let him take his time to prove where his heart and loyalties really lie. Are you noticing that the more you complain that no matter what he may say, whether it sounds supportive to you or not, that his behaviour doesn't match his words?

If this is the case you might have a passive aggressive husband on your hands. Someone who can't say no to anyone, who communicates underhandedly and punishes you subtly for causing him identity problems by querying his nonsense. In this case, as he knows you love the child, his distant way of dealing with the kid will hurt you. In passive aggressive controlling land this is a simple proposition: the more you force me to face my spineless behaviour the more I'm going to hurt the things you care about. I know this sounds hard to believe but these types of people are underhanded emotional abusers with no compassion. How things look are what they're all about.

Of course the worse thing you can do with someone like this is directly confront them about their behaviour and how they seem to always make you feel depressed and ignored. In general the underhandedness will get turned up and you may not be able to understand the machinations, which can be very damaging to you.

With people with these types of issues or personality problems it's not uncommon for them to suddenly reveal their true natures when their partners become properly indebted or involved with them. A child is every expression of this.

Anyway, these are my first thoughts on reading your post. It may well be less than the personality disorder level of problem. In any case I say hang back, gather your best friends and more beloved relations to your side whenever you can and let them know that something is slightly amiss. Have them at your right and left hand. If you end up angry and depressed dealing with this remember that you're essentially being played, and do not feel remotely guilty.

Chin up and the best of luck. If you feel like it I am always available by P.M.

irishgirl19

I feel for you OP. Having a baby is an emotionally challenging time and you don't need that grief from your hubby.
Is the name you both agreed on on the birth cert?
He is going to have to bite the bullet and tell his family. The longer her leaves it the worse it will get.
You shouldn't be bullied into picking a name you don't like. And the sad part is he knows this :-(
I would have a firm chat with him and make your feelings clear. He needs to help you more and show more attention and put everyone straight on the name.
An idea that springs to mind is sending out Christmas cards and signing them off with babys real name?
Best of luck op
I hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas

screamer

Hi anon sounds like the name is just one piece here. Sometimes fathers can think that mother's are delighted to look after the baby alone or are so good at it don't need help or even that they'd be useless. You need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you are feeling. Everything you say here points to a lack of support from the name to the babycare. But he's not a mind reader and if he grew up in a house where mammy did the minding daddy did the working he might think this is normal. Besides that a baby is a 50/50 effort from start to finish and he needs to pull his weight in all aspects and practise makes perfect with nappies feeding and bonding. So please have a chat with him tell him how you're feeling and what you need from him. Mind yourself.

pwurple

You're letting him away with treating the two of you badly. I've seen a few of my friends do this, they've turned into complete martyrs to their husbands and children, getting walked all over night and day.

I know it's hard to do, but short-term, you might need to get a bit hands on and tell him what exactly to do... build a routine. It's a big adjustment. I remember my husband had never put the baby to bed when she was 6 months old. Not once. I was getting a bit ratty asking, as he always had another excuse for it, until eventually I asked him why he wasn't doing it. He said the baby settled easier for me, and he hated making her cry.

So our plan was that he was to put her to bed 10 nights in a row, and by night 3, she settled as easily for him as for me.

Jbubs

You poor thing x

Have you asked your husband to call the baby by the name you agreed? If so does he do it?
When others call the baby by the name you don't like do you correct them? Because that's what you need to do, if you're not correcting them then they won't know.

My son was born in August 2014 and we went through a very hard time until the new year. It was extremely difficult, he wasn't doing his share at all and we weren't getting on.
I ended up pouring my heart out to his best friend who is our sons godfather and he talked to him and he's been great ever since.

Have you talked to him about doing more?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice, we sat down a few days ago and had a talk about him not doing much and he agreed to start helping, so in the last few days he has been making a big effort with the baby, and it's been great, but the name thing has been ignored, so today I brought it up again and he totally lost it with me,

he kept repeating to me 'you listen to me... I'm not telling ...... the name is .....' he was so aggressive and his eyes were burning as he said it, I've only seen him once or twice like this in all the years I've known him... (20+) he said if I want to tell the person in question I can, I feel like I can't because this person already doesn't like me and if I tell them I don't want to name my child after them they will hate me even more, he knows this and that is probably why he is saying that,

I don't really have any one to talk to as I don't have any contact with my own family and I can't talk to any of his family about it, I do have that name I don't like on the birth cert, I guess the closest example of the name would be 'Elizabeth' and 'Lizzie'. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I don't have anymore options, just to call the baby the name on the birth cert,

I've gotten these beautiful cards with a picture of the baby on them but I can't even write them cause I don't want to use that name, the baby doesn't deserve all of this and it's me who's causing all the problems now, I just hate the name so much I can't even say it, I've a history of severe depression and I can feel myself sliding back down that slope again, I just feel beaten and just want to run away from it all,

Moonbeam

you poor thing:(
It seems like you feel that you have no control over your baby despite doing everything for them.
If you can please go talk to your gp or a counsellor because you are going to feel worse and worse.
If the name is on the birth cert then that us her name unfortunately:( but you can call her something else and common use will apply.

Intothesea

Hello again. You're not causing the problems, you're revealing them. I would say the whole problem is lodged deeply within his original family. Can you understand how things must be in the relationships between those people that it is put upon him to be told how to name his child or be punished with ex-communication or worse? Why else would a seemingly normal guy do this stuff? Something is up.

My best guess is that there's some kind of abusive relational style in his family, and now that you've had a kid apparently belonging to them and not you, you're getting the first taste of the truth. You're probably expected to lie down and keep quiet, that's what your husband is telling you.

Tell me this, have your years of biggest depression occurred when you were with this man? Even if not, someone like this is not going to do your life any good. Please please please see a counselor who understands what it's like to be in a situation like this. The last thing you'd want is for your history of depression to be used against you politically to keep you in the one down position. You feel and know the way you're being treated is wrong. Don't lose sight of the truth. Again, I'm available for talk should you want any. Best of luck.

ETA: I recognise the ploy used to control you in this instance, and that is: go ahead and break everyone's heart and go against your own husband by making him look like a cheap liar. This is called controlling someone via their conscience: who wants to act against their husband and make him look bad, and, according to the anger their husband displays about it, add more grief to their marriage? That's the real threat, isn't it -- go against me and you really will be against me. That's what the episodic rage (look up "brandishing anger to control") is about. Okay, I'll shut up now

pooch90

So, in a nutshell, the two of you agreed a name and now he's not willing to go along with it and making you the bad guy?
He's being an ass.
I would continue to call the child X and make sure to do it a lot around his family, even if you don't want to come right out and say The kid's name is X not that horrible family name that I hate.

Diamond Doll

I would just call the child by her real name in front of them. If they make any comment, just shrug and say "That's what's on the birth cert." If he's led them to believe otherwise, he's the one they'll be annoyed with, not you.

Of course he won't be happy with you for this, but you're in the right here - he shouldn't have agreed to the name if he wasn't going to be willing to use it!

madeinamerica

Hi OP I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I would second other suggestions that you talk with your GP or a counselor if you are starting to feel down again.

I will say that there were similar issues about my own name when I was born. Apparently my father's mother wanted me to be called after her (I am the first grandaughter). She is, to this day, a horrible, manipulative b!tc$ who controls the lives of her family like a tyrant and plays them off each other. She made my grandfather's life hell and looking back now as an adult, it was a form of domestic abuse from her. No nice granny for me! Anyway, just to explain that there wasn;t a hope in hell that my mum would call me after her. I think my grandmother assumed that I was going to be called after her, and got a shock when my parents had another name picked for me when I was born. My grandmother sent her daughters to the hospital a few times just after I was born to 'convince' my mum, and my father was also worked on and then he started telling my mum to change the name they'd picked together and call me after his mother. There were threats that they wouldn't talk to us and we'd be excommunicated blah blah. My mum is a very quiet, anxious woman and doesn;t like to rock the boat or stand up for herself at all, but she says that she saw it like she was standing up for me, so I wouldn't be named after this awful woman and they wouldn;t have such a claim to me. It is probably one of the few things she has fought for in her life! So, in the end, my first name is what my parents picked out and my middle name is my grandmother's. Even with that, they (my dad's family) didn't talk to us, my grandmother or my aunts wouldn't refer to me by my name and things were awful for a while but they got over it and things went back to 'normal' when another crazy situation came along that took over the limelight!

One way that my mother phrased it so it wouldn't be offensive was that she wanted me to have a name of my own. Perhaps, when explaining the name situation to your in-laws, you could say that you've called her after the relative but you'd also like your child to have her own new name and so that's why you use that version of the name, to differentiate between your child and the relative. That's a normal thing to happen. You might have to tell a white lie there but if it gets them calling her by the name you want then that's what you want.

With your partner's reaction - try to remember that just because he is angry doesn't make him right. I know if someone gets all angry with me I tend to back down just so everything will calm down, even if they are wrong, so I know it can be really hard to keep your side of the argument going in that situation. It sounds like he can't handle his family and you're getting the brunt of it as you aren't playing by their crazy rules.

like what happened with my name, it was crap for a while but then it blew over and another family-war took everyone's attention. It's very likely that the same will happen in your case; it won't last forever.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength Do have a chat with your GP or someone if it is getting a bit much.

Intothesea

madeinamerica wrote: »

Apparently my father's mother wanted me to be called after her (I am the first grandaughter). She is, to this day, a horrible, manipulative b!tc$ who controls the lives of her family like a tyrant and plays them off each other.

Hi MIA, I'd just like to say that the sentence above is a perfect description of the effect a narcissistic parent has on their children. If it's not what's behind the nonsense you're putting up with, Anon, I will eat my hat.

The other point I'd like to make is that the overall approach to dealing with this at the level of the new parents, and as far as Anon is concerned, depends very much on how her husband has responded to a narcissistic upbringing. In this case I would be afraid, as I suspect Anon is, that her husband would spare no emotional pain to her in kowtowing to the wishes of the narcissistic parent. It's a tough nut to crack that as you say, a good counselor will know how to address.

wuffly

OP it sounds like an awful situation and I don't have much advice to give other than to say I agree with the poster that said you are standing up for your baby, take what support you can from your friends and call the child by their name. I can't imagine how exhausted and lonely you feel with a little baby and your husband not supporting you on this. You are doing your best and that is all anyone can do. Mind yourself and let your friends help you.
When i was born my parents choose my godparents and my mothers only sister who is a nun and a particularly nasty person kicked up a massive fuss that she should be my god mother to the point that my parents changed both, so there would be one from both sides. So I ended up with two godparents that couldn't care less about me. My aunt didn't come home from the uk for christening or confirmation all things you would think would be important to a Nun, neither of them have ever remembered a birthday or did anything remotely godparent like. It didn't ruin my life or anything but I felt like crap being forgotten on every occasion (my brothers had nice ones!) I have over the years always been close to be my should have been god parents and my dad still regrets not standing up for me, he gave in for Mam, Aunt is a terrible bully to my mother. The same bint did her best to upset both my mother and myself on my wedding day, some people are just horrid and families politics can bring out the worst in people. Good luck and take care x

Dobbit

This is an awful situation, I really feel for you op. I agree with the other posters about standing up for your child and maybe consider calling your husbands bluff and just telling the person what the name is? Once it's out in the open you can all just deal with it and it won't be some big secret anymore.

If his family are that touchy about a name then the other posters are right, some other drama will soon come along to distract them.