Am I a scrooge?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Desperately need some views from you guys...... here goes.. I'm with my partner 8 years. In the last month I've landed my first job after qualifying at my profession. He hasn't worked in 6 months...... He turned to me today to ask when I'm due to get paid. I told him Wednesday.. Now, I've alot of bills as its been a while since I was on a proper wage before... he tells me " Awh 500 should do me for the Christmas.... I told him I wouldn't have 500 to give him. He told me that I was selfish etc etc....

Sorry is it me or is it his problem? I've my own bills and my own family. I've budgeted for my pressies and it aint near 500!!!

Thanks in advance

deseil

underthekosh wrote: »

Hi All,

Desperately need some views from you guys...... here goes.. I'm with my partner 8 years. In the last month I've landed my first job after qualifying at my profession. He hasn't worked in 6 months...... He turned to me today to ask when I'm due to get paid. I told him Wednesday.. Now, I've alot of bills as its been a while since I was on a proper wage before... he tells me " Awh 500 should do me for the Christmas.... I told him I wouldn't have 500 to give him. He told me that I was selfish etc etc....

Sorry is it me or is it his problem? I've my own bills and my own family. I've budgeted for my pressies and it aint near 500!!!

Thanks in advance

Tell him to f off and get a job!! I wouldnt give him a cent the cheek of him expecting you to give him money.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you got a track record of giving him money? Why isn't he working by the way? Is he looking for work?

ongarboy

If my partner or indeed anyone said that to me or had that expectation of me, I'd be seriously questioning why I was having a relationship in the first place with such a selfish, self absorbed, entitled brat.

No OP, you are not most definitely not being selfish and the fact you had to ask online strangers if this were the case (and which anyone could/ easily tell you the answerP suggests you may be something of an easy target/doormat for your partner. The fact you've been with him 8 years also suggests this would not be the first time he has displayed this appalling attitude yet you hang in there.

Stick to your original presents budget but I strongly recommend you start keeping track of this really unattractive behaviour your OH is displaying and assess whether you are being treated with the respect you deserve and if not, act accordingly.

Toots

Good god OP! You are definitely not a Scrooge! Is he looking for €500 to go and do his Xmas shopping with (ie use that to buy loads of presents) or is he looking for a present of/worth €500 from you?

Do you usually spend mad amounts of money on each other?

topmanamillion

I'd agree with everything said before.
That's very disrespectful and inconsiderate to say the least. As you rightly say you have your own bills and ideas on how you'd like to spend your own wages.
I don't think supporting an unemployed partners Christmas financially should even come into the equation. E500 is a massive amount of money to the vast majority of people and I'm dumbfounded that he would just produce it from thin air as a figure that will ensure he has an enjoyable Christmas.

As you rightly say this is his problem. I can only assume he is on social welfare and so will be getting a xmas bonus plus he's had the entire year to save towards xmas. If he felt E500 was necessary he should have been aiming to save it by putting away a few euro each week.

Theres a much bigger issue here if he's viewing you as a cash cow now you're working.

If I were you I would sit him down and explain your point of view and explore his employment possibilities. Make it abunduntly clear his lack of spending power is his problem and not only at Xmas but all the year round. Your own bills/wish 's for using your money will rightly take priority. If he stills thinks you are being unreasonable you'll have a few more questions to ask yourself about the relationship and his personality.

bloominballix

No OP, you're not a scrooge.

HOWEVER, you're together 8 years? I assume at this point in time you are living together? If so, then surely all income into the house is household income?

And if you're not living together, well, what are ye doing together for so long?

baby and crumble

bloominballix wrote: »

No OP, you're not a scrooge.

HOWEVER, you're together 8 years? I assume at this point in time you are living together? If so, then surely all income into the house is household income?

And if you're not living together, well, what are ye doing together for so long?

In all fairness there's a difference between money being household money and him assuming that he'll get €500 for himself! For a good 2 years my gf of about the same amount of time was paying all the bills and keeping us afloat. I was embarrassed asking her for a lend of an extra fiver for bus fare, never mind money to buy stuff at Christmas!! I'd have been mortified. Op, you're not a Scrooge and this guy sounds like a total sponge. If he's looking for work he needs to cut his cloth to meet his measure, and if he's not that he's taking you for a ride (unless it's health related)

vintagecosmos

Has he been supporting you over the past 8 years? Maybe he feels it's time for some money back. But I agree with others the way he is asking is not very nice. 500 is a big chunk of change.

It's not that you didn't say no. You said that you wouldn't have it and he got annoyed.

LegacyUser

Odus fell down wrote: »

Have you got a track record of giving him money? Why isn't he working by the way? Is he looking for work?

He listed all the people he needed to get presents for.... his two young adult kids who don't talk to me... he said and do you ever wonder why they don't talk to you?!!!! WTF.. I don't care if I never hear from him again, I ain't backing down....

He said "sure your on the pigs back no. €500 i will be nothing to you!!!" Its my first pay cheque!!!

LegacyUser

bloominballix wrote: »

No OP, you're not a scrooge.

HOWEVER, you're together 8 years? I assume at this point in time you are living together? If so, then surely all income into the house is household income?

And if you're not living together, well, what are ye doing together for so long?

We don't live together. We did at one point and then we couldn't afford our own place. I'm living with my brother...

This is definitely going to be a deal breaker!

missjm

I'm sorry but he sounds awful. Do not give him the money. Does he intend working again himself?

athtrasna

Doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me. Sorry OP but I think the writing is on the wall

trixychic

One word for you.... RUN!!! He sounds like a disrespectful arrogant and asshole of a man.

LegacyUser

It sounds like he has been waiting for you to qualify and now he can live off your salary too.

OP, what was he working at and was he generous with his money when he had it?

I was unemployed until recently. I have never asked a partner for money.... ever.

Not only would I not expect it, I would be embarrassed doing so.

As for the kids, there are obviously issues there - but him saying that to you is cruel and childish.

Maybe you need to sit down and re-evaluate the type of relationship you have and figure out the type of one you want to have.

StripedBoxers

Definitely not a scrooge OP.

Personally if anyone I was seeing "asked" me for €500 for Xmas I would have no problem in telling them where to go.

Doesn't matter if I was earning €2,000 or €20,000, you do not demand such a large amount of cash from anyone.

He sounds like an obnoxious, arrogant, demanding excuse for a man and I would be ending that relationship and moving on to better things.

No way would I put up with, and saying what he did to you about his adult children not speaking to you, tell him to sod off.

New year, new start OP, make it a good one.

Merry Xmas, hope you have a good one

Best of luck with everything.

haveringchick

Unbelievable OP
Sorry for your troubles
He's not for you

LegacyUser

haveringchick wrote: »

Unbelievable OP
Sorry for your troubles
He's not for you

Thanks, I'm ready to walk over this..

Toots

underthekosh wrote: »

He listed all the people he needed to get presents for.... his two young adult kids who don't talk to me... he said and do you ever wonder why they don't talk to you?!!!! WTF.. I don't care if I never hear from him again, I ain't backing down....

He said "sure your on the pigs back no. €500 i will be nothing to you!!!" Its my first pay cheque!!!

I'm outraged reading that!!! Genuinely outraged!! What a complete selfish jackass, and I really can't believe he made that crack about his kids not talking to you! So by his reckoning if you'd flung money and expensive gifts at them they'd be your best buds? Well you're better off without such materialistic little feckers in your life.

My hubby was out of work for 2 years during the recession and I was the only one earning. We saved our balls off for xmas starting from around June. When it got to december we had around €200 and with that we got the presents for our families, plus the santa pressies. He does not need €500. He needs to cut his cloth to suit his measure. If he's out of work, his young-adult kids should realise not to be expecting huge xmas pressies. If they're arrogant enough to expect their dad's GF (who they don't even talk to) to fund their presents, then the apple obviously doesn't fall far from the tree.

Sure anyone who's just started a new job knows that the first paycheck is nearly always gone straight away on bills and boring stuff that accumulated during the first month of working!

LegacyUser

You see the thing is ..... and maybe I'm a bit of a thick, but if I had the money I'd gladly help him out as he would do it for me if the tables were turned but the fact of the matter is, I don't have it to give and whatever I get has to keep me going until the end of January but he doesn't care how I survive in January as long as he gets pressie for his family.. Nope my foot is firmly to the ground and ain't for budging

Ursus Horribilis

Wow. I'm a bit flabbergasted by what he said. In my opinion you should definitely walk over this. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of working through this. I know it's 8 years of a relationship but now you see what he really thinks of you. I bet he hasn't bothered looking around for a job because he thought he could sit on his arse at home and be bankrolled by you. You can do an awful lot better than this yoke and I hope you do. You'll be selling yourself short if you choose to stay with him .

MouseTail

Are you living together OP? Is it a case that he has lost his JSA due to you working?

Ursus Horribilis

She said earlier that they aren't. They were but they didn't have enough money.

LegacyUser

MouseTail wrote: »

Are you living together OP? Is it a case that he has lost his JSA due to you working?

No we aren't living together at the moment. Couldn't afford to. He has jobseekers.

While I was in college, I worked evenings and weekends... He hasn't worked since April. There is no excuse for it!

Sunny Disposition

Has he given you money over a period of time in the past? While studying or out of work?

Stinicker

Imagine if the sexes were reversed here, the OP would be told €500 is nothing and that if he really loved you he'd give it.

PinkLemonade

Stinicker wrote: »

Imagine if the sexes were reversed here, the OP would be told €500 is nothing and that if he really loved you he'd give it.

That's certainly wrong, there was a thread a while ago about a girlfriend demanding an iPhone for her birthday and the responses were the same - that it was a ridiculous demand and to stand their ground and don't part with their hard earned money.

topmanamillion

Stinicker wrote: »

Imagine if the sexes were reversed here, the OP would be told €500 is nothing and that if he really loved you he'd give it.

Rubbish. The comments would be identical.

zcorpian88

Sounds like a bit of a sponger to me, would never ask a partner for 500 for presents for my own family, I'd go down to the Credit Union quicker than dig that hole for myself.

If he has helped you out in the past maybe give him whatever you can afford to take the edge off but 500 is a lot of cash to hand over in one go. Maybe a smaller amount you can give him and try the Credit Union for a small loan if you have a membership with them perhaps?

I know in my family Christmas's would have been very lean without the CU, never had any trouble getting a small loan off them.

Sunny Disposition

Seems like a huge ask, that's why I'd wonder if there is a context which means it is understandable, he supported her through unemployment/college or something.
V interested to know if that's the background OP? V strange you would only find out someone is a tightwad after so long together.

Eugene Norman

I too think we are missing the background here.

topmanamillion

Eugene Norman wrote: »

I too think we are missing the background here.

It crossed my mind but the OP has made some subsequent comments which leads me to believe it is as bad as it appears.

Stheno

Has he done this before OP? Expected you to give him money?

Ruby31

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

Seems like a huge ask, that's why I'd wonder if there is a context which means it is understandable, he supported her through unemployment/college or something.
V interested to know if that's the background OP? V strange you would only find out someone is a tightwad after so long together.

I'm interested too.
You're together 8 years and were living together up until recently, so while you were studying, who was paying the rent, shopping, bills, etc? I can't imagine working evenings and weekends would bring enough income? Was he giving you money during that time?

I presume he was made redundant seeing as he's receiving job seekers, so he didn't just leave his job? Jobs are hard to come by.

I wonder are his smart comments regarding his kids just him feeling resentful towards you because maybe he helped you out financially in the passed, but you're not returning the favour (although I agree that €500 is a lot to ask for).

LegacyUser

Ruby31 wrote: »

I'm interested too.
You're together 8 years and were living together up until recently, so while you were studying, who was paying the rent, shopping, bills, etc? I can't imagine working evenings and weekends would bring enough income? Was he giving you money during that time?

I presume he was made redundant seeing as he's receiving job seekers, so he didn't just leave his job? Jobs are hard to come by.

I wonder are his smart comments regarding his kids just him feeling resentful towards you because maybe he helped you out financially in the passed, but you're not returning the favour (although I agree that €500 is a lot to ask for).

Nope he never had to lend me a hand, My parents were there to lend me a hand. We haven't been able to afford to live together for 2 years or so.

I would never expect ANYONE to give me a dig out.... I guess we were brought up differently...

UPDATE: He text me last night to see if I was alright.. I didn't respond.

CaraMay

There's no point being passive aggressive and not responding. Tell him out straight what you are unhappy about and make your decision based on his reaponse.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

There's no point being passive aggressive and not responding. Tell him out straight what you are unhappy about and make your decision based on his reaponse.

Point taken, I'll do that..

ManOfMystery

I'm with my wife for 7 years, married for 3, we have joint accounts and I still wouldn't assume I can just lift 500 quid out for myself if I feel like that. Your OH's sense of entitlement to your money here is astonishing.

I may have given him the benefit of the doubt and classed his behaviour as nothing more than rude if you had expanded on the backstory, telling us that he has helped you out with money countless times over the years when he was employed. However as that's not the case, he's being manipulative as well as rude, especially by his reaction and mentioning his children. Stick to your guns.

missjm

underthekosh wrote: »

Nope he never had to lend me a hand, My parents were there to lend me a hand. We haven't been able to afford to live together for 2 years or so.

I would never expect ANYONE to give me a dig out.... I guess we were brought up differently...

UPDATE: He text me last night to see if I was alright.. I didn't respond.

Is this the first time anything like this has happened? I'm just a bit astounded you are with this person at all given what you've said so far.