I Want to break up with my boyfriend but need advice on how to do it

LegacyUser

Hi

So I want to break up with my boyfriend. We’ve been together a year. I’m just going to be to the point and blunt about the reasons here:

Reason 1. I'm moving away in the summer and he isn't, we've accepted this and accepted the fact that we are going to break up when I go, and that we should just make the most of what we have and be together until then, but now I feel like being in this relationship is a waste of time being the end is pretty close and completely inevitable.

Reason 2. I feel like we don't actually have that much in common really. People having different interests etc is fine, but what I would love to spend my time doing / what I'd love to be doing with a SO, he just really isn't that into. I love nature, going on long walks and hikes, cooking (especially experimenting with healthy food). The last few month's especially I've gotten even more into health and fitness, but all he wants to do is watch TV, go drinking, eat take out. He still comes and does stuff I want sometimes and I appreciate the effort but its obvious he’s not into it and feeling like I'm "dragging him along" makes things less enjoyable for me.
I like having long-winded philosphical talks, I'm in no way an expert or highly educated but I like just discussing ideas and concepts and just whatever tickles my interest, any time I spark up these conversations with him he's just not into and finds it pointless. There are often enough, times when we're out for dinner or something, where we just don't really have anything to talk about and it’s awkward. That’s fine in a way and I'm happy to be with someone who I can comfortably share a silence with, but it doesn't seem like that, it’s just we don't have anything to talk about.

Reason 3. I’m just not physically attracted to him anymore. He has always been a bit overweight, and in the beginning I looked past it and didn’t mind, because he still is quite good looking, and we got on great, have great sex etc, so I didn’t really mind. But its starting to get to me more and more. I think its just the complete lack of caring about your health and physical appearance that’s unattractive to me. He just eats complete **** all the time and does no exercise. I really don’t think I’m shallow, but physical attraction is still an important thing, and its just not there anymore.

I know after reading these you’ll think it’s obvious I want to break up with him, and that I should, but here are the reasons holding me back.

Reason 1. He is a genuinely nice, good-hearted person. He’s been nothing to lovely to me and he absolutely loves me to death, it would absolutely break his heart if I were to break up with him. And we do still have some good things and get on well. I just don’t think I’m in love with him.

Reason 2. I was in the exact same position he’s in now in a previous relationship, but the other way around. I was completely head over heels in love with this guy, we were together over three years, and towards the end things just fizzled out for him. So I know exactly how he feels right now, I know he can sense me being distant and I know he’s worried I’m going to break up with him, and that’s how I felt in my previous relationship. When I was broken up with it completely broke my heart and it was the worse thing I’d ever felt, and I just hate the idea of putting another person through that.


I totally agree that I need to break up with him, but I still don't know how or when, and thats what I need the advise on....

I can't do it now, a couple of days before Christmas because that would be pretty awful. But I think if I do it too soon after Christmas, he'll know I was just waiting for Christmas to be over, and that would feel pretty ****ty for him too.
And what reason can I give, while being honest yet not not too mean / harsh?? I do think he has some niggling suspicions that I’m not as into it anymore, but at the same time I know he thinks we are soulmates and he’s so in love with me. Telling him I’m just not into him/being together anymore would crush him.

I know I can use the moving away thing as an honest yet less hurtful reason, but I think if I say that he might try and convince me that we should still stay together and appreciate the next 6 months or so we have together…. How can I respond to that??


Thanks!

njs030

Honesty is always the best policy, you might think it would crush him to hear you don't love him anymore but he will get over it and move on.
You can't always be the good guy and this is one of those times you have to accept being the mean person!
A straight and honest " Mike, I don't want to carry on the relationship, I don't love you anymore and feel it's not right to string you along. I hope you understand".

Best of luck op.

LegacyUser

You can't really engineer these situations or apply tactics, they always fall apart quickly, but you can be honest and firm without being brutal. Tell him the relationship isn't working for you any more and you want to end it. That's the central message you need to stick to and really, the rest is just hairdressing.

Mr. Incognito

As a chap whose relationship fizzled out and had his girlfriend living with me cheat on me I can absolutely say with certainty that a cruel truth now is going to be a LOT better than the wasted time in between.

Let him go, and let him get on with his life and find someone else and you should do too.

Simply say that the spart isnt there for you anymore and while you care about him deeply you don't love him like you did before and its not fair to either of you but you think he is a wonderful guy and will always be fond of him.

Then take some time to stay the hell away from each other. 3 months at least.

DeltaWhite

OP, dont be like me. It took me a whole year to break up with my last bf. I kept holding on thinking it would get better and it didnt. I was a bit like you, stopped being attracted to him etc. I loved him so much I tried to keep going, but the only thing suffering was my sanity. In the end we had a really nasty break up because he was completely oblivious to how he was making me miserable (even though I had told him until I was blue in the face).

There will never be a good time to do it, something always comes up. I finished it when his grandparents had died within a month of each other. I dont even care how that makes me look either! At that stage I could not take anymore, so if you feel like you cant wait, then do it today. Face to face. Just prepare yourself for the begging and pleading. I had 2 hours of it, and shouting in my face aswell (some catch wha!) I wish you better luck than I had. But stick to your guns, you know what's right for you so listen to your head!

mapaca

If you have made up your mind and your heart isn't in it any more, then sooner rather than later would be better. I know it's Christmas week but there's never really a good time for these things.

Be straight forward and honest with him. Be kind, (don't mention his weight gain as a reason) but be clear it's over and don't give him false hope.

Let him go now OP. Don't wait until after Christmas. These things are never easy and do need to be handled with some care. I agree with the other poster who said applying tactics is unwise. Sit him down and explain that you are not in love with him. Please don't go into all the reasons you just mentioned in your OP as that would be unnecessarily cruel I believe.

Shrap

I agree you should finish things now OP. In fact, I can't think of much worse emotional agony in a relationship than to be dragging it to a point 6 months from now where you'd break up anyway. The man must be tortured by the thought of it already and is hoping against all hope that it won't happen.....no wonder he's getting all needy and worried looking, wondering what you're thinking. Tell him OP. Tell him you can't do this for another 6 months because it's not fair on either of you. And tell him your feelings have changed.

bluetomato

Don't do it before Christmas. It seems particularly cruel and tbh I think as hard and hurtful as relationship break ups are he will really think you don't give a **** about him if you do it before Christmas, not only that but I'd say his friends and family will say similar to him and then he will really feel worse about himself.

Yes he'll know that you were just waiting until after Christmas to make it a little easier but at least then he can feel like you cared even though you no longer want to be with him.

power pants

bluetomato wrote: »

Don't do it before Christmas. It seems particularly cruel and tbh I think as hard and hurtful as relationship break ups are he will really think you don't give a **** about him if you do it before Christmas, not only that but I'd say his friends and family will say similar to him and then he will really feel worse about himself.

Yes he'll know that you were just waiting until after Christmas to make it a little easier but at least then he can feel like you cared even though you no longer want to be with him.

Being Xmas or not shouldnt come into it imo. Dont do it in January its new years, dont do it in Feb its valentines day, dont do it in march st patricks day etc etc

Never be a right moment and unless he is 12 or under Xmas should have no real bearing.

bluetomato

power pants wrote: »

Being Xmas or not shouldnt come into it imo. Dont do it in January its new years, dont do it in Feb its valentines day, dont do it in march st patricks day etc etc

Never be a right moment and unless he is 12 or under Xmas should have no real bearing.

I completely disagree with that, Christmas is the one time of the year that I would ever have that opinion. When have you ever heard anyone say "such a shame, so close to St Patricks day" Never.

Also disagree that unless he's 12 Christmas should have no real bearing, Christmas might not seem very important to us at adults but I would argue that we only realise the feelings it can conjure up in us when we are going through a tough time.

I honestly think someone splitting up with you so close to Christmas would be even more hurtful than any other time because it just really seems like the person doesn't care a single bit about your feelings.

zoobizoo

Might be an idea to do it after saying "Christmas brought on these feelings...."

Virgil°

bluetomato wrote: »

I honestly think someone splitting up with you so close to Christmas would be even more hurtful than any other time because it just really seems like the person doesn't care a single bit about your feelings.

I can tell you as someone who has been broken up with in the new year, for this very reason. I don't thank my ex for the extra 2 weeks of distant unintimate behaviour.

OP , your boyfriend, unless hes an idiot will have noticed your change in behaviour due to your feelings. He'll probably either be constantly worried that you're gonna break up or if hes doing something wrong etc..... This is a much worse experience to go through over Xmas than a breakup. Do it now.

WheatenBriar

If 2 people don't love each other,have no ties,house or children, why on earth would they be together?

Op you should have broke up last month not now if he has feelings for you

bluetomato

She's already said she can't do it before Christmas anyway and by the sounds of reason 2 for what's putting her off she is going to find the break up tough anyway because she'll be worried about him so I really think there's little point in anyone telling her to do it now, 2 days before Christmas.

I think Zoobizoo made a good suggestion, tell him that Christmas brought the feelings to a head and that the spark is gone and although you care about him the relationship isn't strong enough for you to want to make the most of the few months you have left in the country.

HoneyBee78

Do it now op, it may seem selfish but I think you should put yourself first here, if you stay with him simply because you don't want to ruin his Christmas then what about your Christmas? Are you going to be miserable and having to keep up this pretence that you're happy until you find a better time to end it? I was dumped this time last year & it didn't ruin my Christmas at all, in fact I'm happier than I ever was now
My advice... rip off that plaster & start enjoying yourself

osarusan

OP - you've aready both agreed to break it up when you move to wherever you are going.

Rather than stay together until that point, you want to break up now.

I don't think there is any real need to explain beyond that - it sounded like a good idea at the time, but it doesn't feel right for you and you want to break up now rather than later.

power pants

either way he is going to look back at xmas and be sad whether you tell him now or in 2 weeks. does people think on here that telling him in 2 weeks time will be better?

He will then know xmas was a sham with his girlfriend and probably feel very silly

Personally, id do it now

bluetomato

HoneyBee78 wrote: »

Do it now op, it may seem selfish but I think you should put yourself first here, if you stay with him simply because you don't want to ruin his Christmas then what about your Christmas? Are you going to be miserable and having to keep up this pretence that you're happy until you find a better time to end it? I was dumped this time last year & it didn't ruin my Christmas at all, in fact I'm happier than I ever was now
My advice... rip off that plaster & start enjoying yourself

It doesn't sound like the OP would get immediate relief from ending the relationship now and from the sounds of things she'd probably be very miserable herself over Christmas if she felt that he was in a lot of pain.

power pants wrote: »

does people think on here that telling him in 2 weeks time will be better?

Honestly, yes I do, To be dumped 2 days before Christmas would really leave me feeling like that person did not care about me at all which would be incredibly hurtful, more hurtful IMO than being dumped a couple of weeks afterwards.

In the medium to long term dealing with the loss of the relationship would probably be the same but I think the initial shock and upset could very well be worse.

Ursus Horribilis

If you break up with him after Christmas he'll be throwing your present in the bin anyway. At least if you do it now he has the chance to return his gift to you or to give it to someone else. Besides, if he's dumped now he'll have his family and friends around.

ScottStorm

Meet up with him today, break up, do not exchange presents. End of story.

Asking the internet for help stinks of weakness, nobody can do it for you. Tell him the truth and be done with it.

thelad95

ScottStorm wrote: »

Meet up with him today, break up, do not exchange presents. End of story.

Asking the internet for help stinks of weakness, nobody can do it for you. Tell him the truth and be done with it.

Actually what would be a sign of weakness is if she kept stringing him along until the inevitable finish. Asking for help and deciding to do the right thing is a sign of strength.

If you honestly believe what you're saying you shouldn't be posting in this forum.

Merry Christmas all.

mada82

You should dump someone them moment you are sure it's the right thing to do.

Dragging it out isn't fair.

ScottStorm

thelad95 wrote: »

Actually what would be a sign of weakness is if she kept stringing him along until the inevitable finish. Asking for help and deciding to do the right thing is a sign of strength.

<SNIP>

Mod Note: If you can't dig deep enough to post in a civil manner then kindly refrain from doing so at all. Go and read the charter.

LegacyUser

OP don't mind the above, do what's right for you! If you aren't happy then do what needs to be done, and ignore the judgement of others. This is your life and your choices.

Voltex

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

As a chap whose relationship fizzled out and had his girlfriend living with me cheat on me I can absolutely say with certainty that a cruel truth now is going to be a LOT better than the wasted time in between.

Let him go, and let him get on with his life and find someone else and you should do too.

Simply say that the spart isnt there for you anymore and while you care about him deeply you don't love him like you did before and its not fair to either of you but you think he is a wonderful guy and will always be fond of him.

Then take some time to stay the hell away from each other. 3 months at least.

Dude..that reads like a songs lyrics. You're way too emotionally mature for most guys. Wish I could be a bit more like you!!

dimko

notjustsweet wrote: »

Honesty is always the best policy, you might think it would crush him to hear you don't love him anymore but he will get over it and move on.
You can't always be the good guy and this is one of those times you have to accept being the mean person!

Also, saying things about weight, could be appropriate, if you care for him. He will go bananas, but it will make him thinking. Plus, if he is not nice to you during all of that, it will show his real personality, which will make whole shebang easier for you in long run.

pgj2015

dimko wrote: »

Also, saying things about weight, could be appropriate, if you care for him. He will go bananas, but it will make him thinking. Plus, if he is not nice to you during all of that, it will show his real personality, which will make whole shebang easier for you in long run.

Don't mention his weight to him, there is no need, he is hardly that dim that he needs someone to point it out to him that he is overweight, plus it is not nice to embarrass the guy like that. All you need to do is end the relationship, nothing else.

dimko

pgj2015 wrote: »

Don't mention his weight to him, there is no need, he is hardly that dim that he needs someone to point it out to him that he is overweight, plus it is not nice to embarrass the guy like that. All you need to do is end the relationship, nothing else.

it's matter of perception.
Sometimes people need a kick in the nutts before they change themselves for better.
Take people out of comfort zone - only way to make them improve themselves. Plus, like i said, it will show his real self. If he becomes nasty - he is an <mod snip>. Win-Win. If he is not, he will do something to change his habits.

pgj2015

dimko wrote: »

it's matter of perception.
Sometimes people need a kick in the nutts before they change themselves for better.
Take people out of comfort zone - only way to make them improve themselves. Plus, like i said, it will show his real self. If he becomes nasty - he is an <mod snip>. Win-Win. If he is not, he will do something to change his habits.

it is easy for you to advise the op to dump her boyfriend, then tell him its partly because he is overweight, then he tells everyone that the op told him it was because of his weight, people will then think the op is a shallow heartless <mod snip>. the op's boyfriend is old enough to know he is overweight, it is not up to the op to spell it out for him, maybe he knows and it doesn't bother him, his family can tell him if they feel they need to.