child not his?

LegacyUser

A good friend of mine had a baby with his long term gf three years ago. I have my suspicions that the child may not be his.

The reasons being are that the child looks nothing like him. I can see her in the child but nothing of him. In fact the older the child gets the worst it seems to be, in fact the child is starting to look what I can only describe as foreign.

Anyhow I've of course kept this to myself as I could be wrong, really wrong. But I am seeing this girl recently and our first introduction to my friend and his family was at the childs birthday party.

when we got a home I confided in my gf about my suspicions, more hoping to say I'm paranoid or something! But instead she said she noticed it too, in fact she pointed out that both parents have blue eyes and the child has dark brown. She also said this is impossible as 99% of the time two parents with blue will have a blue eyed child and in rare cases with green, never brown, something to do with blue gene being recessive or something, is this true?

I feel terrible for doing this but I brought this up to a mutual friend and he agreed and also told me of rumors of an affair in the office where she worked with a guy from a far eastern country.

I know my friend and I know he has no clue about this, he often jokes about a Spanish sailor or milkman but will always adds his gf told him her great granddad was Italian or some bull like that.

the mutual friend wants me to tell him but doesn't want to be quoted on the rumour and my gf says the messenger always gets shot so I don't know what to do...

when we were kids we always promised we'd never keep stuff like this from each other, well cheating girlfriends who could predict this, but then again we were kids...

any advice what to do?

all the evidence is circumstantial but people are talking shouldn't he know anyways and put this to bed?

Tilly

Do nothing, it's absolutely none of your business!

kylith

Do nothing. For all you know your mate is sterile and they used a third party as a sperm donor.

ManOfMystery

Keep your nose out is the best advice I can give. You have absolutely nothing even approaching proof, this is all idle speculation on your part and if I was your mate I'd be pretty annoyed about the conclusions you're jumping to based on what is essentially nothing. You are potentially going to go introducing doubt into the head of an otherwise happy and secure man and you're basing this solely on looks - which can often sway from one side of the family or the other based on genetics.

My son is the spitting image of me and looks nothing like his mother at all. Does that mean anything? No. A friend of mine is dark haired, square jawed, well built and short whilst his brother has ginger hair, is tall and very skinny. Does that mean they're adopted? No. Each one looks like the other side of their family.

Neyite

Do you remember the case of the Roma child who was removed from parents by Gardai and Social Services because they were uncharacteristically fair complexioned in comparison to the parents? DNA proved the child belonged to both parents.

I have a different hair colour, eye colour and skin tone to all my siblings and parents. But I resemble an aunt on my father's side.

My son looks like neither of us. His hair colouring, features, and eye colour all come from his paternal grandmother's side. His father is a dead ringer for his own father.

So, if you want to tell your friend you suspect his child's paternity, you really need more reasons than just physical traits, and a rumour of an affair if you want to save the friendship. It could be entirely possible that they availed of fertility treatment with donor sperm, or that he even is fully aware of an affair and a resultant child, took the child on as his own and feels its nobody's business except the three involved - I know a family who had exactly that.

I understand a childhood promise, but that was done with the innocence of youth. I suppose if you feel strongly that he should know you could remind him of that promise and ask if he still would want to know unsubstantiated gossip. But, it could cost you your friendship, or rock their relationship badly.

But if you do decide to tell him, please leave it until after Christmas! It would be cruel to drop a bombshell at this time of year.

LegacyUser

I would want to know!

eviltwin

Looks alone mean nothing. And some rumours about a possible affair don't mean anything either. If this other friend thinks he should say something let him but don't get involved. It's none of your business and if by chance you are right do you really want to be forever known as the person who put that in motion? And if you're wrong he won't thank you for that kind of slur on his partner. If the difference is as obvious as you say chances are he's already seen it himself. Stay well out of it.

meeeeh

Firstly your girlfriend is wrong and blue eyed parents can have brown eyed kids. Secondly every child looks like themselves, not like their parents, themselves. They are their own entity, they have some similarities to the parents but there is no clear rule. Stay out, you have absolutely no evidence but some sketchy office gossip and some amateurish and half informed observation. Partner's statement that her grandfather was Italian is described as bull but the rumours about rumours are taken as possible proof. All you are doing is starting nasty rumours.

Flippyfloppy

None of our kids look like my husband. Stay well out of it and listen to the above advice! Children don't have to look like both parents.

keano25

Do you remember a very public case of a child taken into care in Ireland on suspicion of been trafficked?

If not google it.

Keep your hooter out.

heretochat

I just can't get my head around someone who, two days before Christmas, has so little to be doing that they would even be considering something like this.

As others have said OP, you have no proof and are basing your "theories" on what you understand to be the rules of genetics.

What I wonder in my own mind is whether you want this guy to be more than a "friend" and this is your way of demolishing his family.

In any event keep your nose out as it is absolutely nothing to do with you

strandroad

Well your girlfriend is wrong on the eyes issue - it's rarer but not impossible.

Your friend is not blind and can see everything you see just as well. If there is anything to act on he doesn't need you to tell him...

LegacyUser

why exactly is the girls statement about being part italian ''bull''? A lot of people who have a foreign grandparent can still look completely foreign. My sibling and I have a middle eastern great grandparent and it really shows, and thats from one great-grandparent! I understand why you would be suspicious, though, however I'm just saying that its not all that uncommon to take after a grandparent or great-great grandparent even so its not totally beyond the realms of possibility ...(although funnily enough in my own family our history was originally disguised as being of ''italian ancestry'' as there was an affair involved, regarding the middle eastern man, so that can happen, too. Sorry, this probably isn't too helpful after all). If he has any suspicions he can get a dna test done, but in terms of whether or not you should tell him your suspicions, i wouldnt bother, unless you have directly heard anything yourself, otherwise there's not too much to go on really?

Paddy Cow

For god's sake, what are you thinking op? So the child doesn't look like his father. It happens. I have a friend from Brazil who is short, dark and has curly hair. She told me that her twin sister is tall, blond and has straight hair. Both her parents are dark but paternity was never an issue.

Genetics are tricky and it's not as simple as you learn in leaving cert biology. There was the case a few years ago where two black parents gave birth to a blond haired, blued child. The child is definitely theirs but how it turned out so fair is a genetic mystery.

If you put two of my brothers together you wouldn't think they are related. One has been bald since his early twenties. average height, is fair and if he doesn't wear sunscreen in April he will get burned. The other looks mediterranean,is six foot and has a fine head of hair on him. They don't look alike at all but I don't doubt they are brothers.

I'm sure your friend is well aware that the child looks nothing like him and doesn't need "friends" gossiping and spreading unfounded rumours behind his back that the child isn't his. Be very careful about who you tell your doubts to because if it gets back to your friend that you are starting rumours, I don't think he will be too happy with you.

LegacyUser

op here

firstly thanks for taking the trouble to reply and I have no intention on bringing this up over the holidays if at all ever, my timing is lousy on how I decided to speak about it to someone.

you see my friend was never really committed to this girl until the baby, I know this because as friends we confide in each other. It bothers me that he is living a lie. I love this guy the last thing I would want to do is hurt him but I don't want to see it get more out of hand or deeper in, if that's actually possible at this stage!

The kicker is the mutual friend says the alleged father is the image of the child, who is married and has kids of his own - admittedly second hand info but from somebody with no vested interest and someone I'd consider reliable

The mutual friend also tells me of jokes at training he overheard a few months back, it seems to be common knowledge where we live never mind where she worked!

I wish you guys were right but I just know, it kills me but I just know...

I know he doesn't know, since the child he has been the happiest he as ever been, if there had been turbulence I would have known about it especially during the pregnancy...

I feel like I'm betraying him by not talking up but I don't have the stomach or the heart to see him ripped to shreds

I feel like the worst friend in the world no matter what I do

why didn't you tell me / why did you tell me

my mind is like a seesaw

maybe I'm being selfish thinking of the dilemma more than the reality of the consequences if I did spill the beans. These things have a way of coming out all by themselves but I feel like a coward not telling him what I think he would want to know.

f**k me

keano25

http://www.irishmirror.ie/news/irish-news/roma-girl-carried-home-fathers-2483694

meeeeh

OP, you don't know. You claim to have circumstantial evidence but all you have is rumours. Rumours that you found out when you went looking for confirmation of your suspicion. It's like reading in the horoscope that those born in Aquarius sign tend to be creative, think to yourself that you are creative (although you could be no more creative than people born in other signs) and decide that horoscope is right.

I believe about half of malicious rumours are started by good people with lack or wrong information.

LegacyUser

dude you seem like a good guy and you care about your friend but unless you have dna evidence it's innocent until proven guilty which by the way is not your job either

you cannot make a decision about telling somebody something that you really don't know for sure is true so drop the dilemmas

stop tormenting yourself about this and if it turns out you were right just be their for your mate

peace brother

just enjoy your Xmas

Oryx

Many men raise kids that arent theirs. Some know, some dont. You have zero evidence that this child isnt his, but even if you did, you have to consider: maybe he knows. Maybe he made a choice. There are so many what ifs to this situation. Don't go barging in with rumour for no purpose. Your friend already loves this child. The kid loves his daddy. What would you achieve even if you were right? And you probably arent!!

True friends let their mates make their choices. They accept them. If things go wrong, true friends help pick up the pieces. Thats the friend you should be. Why damage his world without real reason? Thats just cruel.

eviltwin

This friend of your sounds like a trouble making git to be honest. You've no evidence, no proof only this person's hearsay. I wouldn't even contemplate ruining a family over such awful information and I'd be keeping my distance from someone who seems happy to meddle but wants you to be the one to drop the bomb.

LegacyUser

Op all you have are rumours, the only way to find out if he is the father is to do a paternity test and if he has no reason to believe he isn't the dad then why would he take one. You are going to have to let this one go.

strandroad

iwont wrote: »

It bothers me that he is living a lie.

OP you have convinced yourself that it's true but you really have no idea. If you actually witnessed her cheating I'd absolutely say tell him immediately, but all you have is third hand gossip: you don't know if she had an affair at all, and even if she had, if the baby is your friend's or not.

Your mutual friend seems to thrive on this gossip but won't stand by his word, why is that? It's more than likely that he gossips about your allegations regarding your friend too. But in terms of facts or witnesses you have nothing to stand on.

Valentina

Stay out of it. Seriously.

You say your friend has never been happier. If he's not the father of the child, he might already know but is happy to raise it as his own anyway. It happens. Or maybe he doesn't want to know. If he's happy, leave him off. If he comes to you later on and expresses doubts about parentage, then maybe you can bring it up. Until then, say nothing.

I don't tell my best friends every little in and out of my relationship. I'd say your friend is the same, despite childhood promises.

And as already pointed out, fair eyed parents can have dark eyed children.

I think it's pretty mean spirited to be talking about your friend and his child behind his back like this, tbh.

Paddy Cow

iwont wrote: »

you see my friend was never really committed to this girl until the baby, I know this because as friends we confide in each other. It bothers me that he is living a lie.

Op seriously let it go. Whatever doubts you have, your friend probably had 10 fold. If he wasn't committed until they had a baby then he is now. He will have a much greater insight into his relationship with the lady/baby than you ever will. Maybe he's not the child's father but has decided to raise it as his. Maybe he is the father and the child just doesn't look like him.

I think you need to back off op. You have a Mum, Dad and child who are clearly a loving family unit and you are worried because you think the child doesn't look like the father and are thinking about telling him about this? Seriously, back off and let them get on with it.

Have you considered he knows he is not the child's father and is going to raise it as his anyways? The last thing he would need is for people to be guessing the parentage just to satisfy their own curiosity.

Seriously op, butt out before you bring a whole world of hurt down on yourself.

Mr. Incognito

Are you mental?

Like seriously unhinged?

You want to bring pub gossip into your friends family to declare with zero evidence that his child isnt his? All with some pseudo concern for your perfectly happy friend.

What sort of drama seeking voyeur are you?

Stay out of it at all costs and keep your detective declarations to yourself.

uck51js9zml2yt

My eldest looks nothing like me. has fair hair, pale skin and hazel eyes and is 4'4" at 5 years of age. He's the spit of his mother and his cousin.
My youngest is like me and nothing like his mother...except for her height.

Based on your preconceptions, my eldest isn't mine and my youngest is possibly not my wifes.

Apart from anything else op, it really is none of your business and you wont be thanked for giving your friend your unproven opinion.

Mourinho

Frankly if I found out a child wasn't mine and a mate had suspicions and never told me I couldn't look at them ever again never mind consider them still a friend.

LegacyUser

for a minute pretend this is true would you really want to be caught in this **** storm

if it does come out deny all knowledge

for everyone saying there is no basis to the allegations is stretching it a bit the guy had his suspicions before the rumors were even mentioned that is bit of a coincidence no?

Full Marx

OP tell him that there are rumours doing the rounds that his gf cheated on him with someone in the office and that you think he should know what people are saying. Say nothing about the child. Offer no comment on the veracity of the claim about the affair, because you (honestly) don't know, only that it is what is being said and that you feel he should know what people are saying even if its just to know that people are talking ****e about him. You could even offer this information to him in a joking way "guess what nonsense I heard, you'll get a laugh out of this" etc


If he wants to go digging he will put two and two together, point him in the direction but let him find out for himself. I reckon he knows OP but is willfully in denial. If you do as I suggest he can go digging himself, or he can ignore it but you have eased your conscience by saying something, and not ruined your friendship if he decides he is happy with the status quo by frankly telling him everything and leaving him unable to save face.

bluetomato

Let's say you do decide to say it to your friend and it's not true...... once the idea is put in his head about her having an affair with someone in the office then it could ruin their whole relationship. He could make her life hell if he believes that to be true.
Let's say you tell him and he demands a paternity test and she gives in and the child is his, his relationship could still be ruined because he believes the rumour that she had an affair, he could be insecure and jealous and controlling if they stay together. We just don't know how people will react if they hear something like that, especially when the girlfriend really has no way of proving that she didn't have an affair.

Your mutual friend doesn't want his name mentioned so how would you even approach it? I heard a rumour but I don't want to tell you who said it?
That's not really giving the girlfriend much of a chance to defend herself.

If you think telling him and them getting a DNA test will put the suspicion to rest then I would say that the relationship still may not survive it.

As tough as it is if you have a gut feeling about this you need to realise the potentially catastrophic effect this could have on the relationship if you're wrong and you could tear a happy family apart.

ETA: Just saw your second post, don't know how I missed that

If you tell your friend but can't tell him the source do you think he'd accept that? If his relationship is falling apart and he can't trust his girlfriend and he's begging you to tell him what you know will you be able to keep the mutual friends name out of it?

If you can then that's another thing that could ruin your friendship with your mate and if you can't keep his name out of it you might cause trouble with the mutual friend.

The mutual friend is the one who seems to know all about the rumour so why isn't he telling the friend? That would make more sense surely. He doesn't feel comfortable telling him but he wants you to?

LegacyUser

if I were him I would want to no. Funny thing is if he fathered a child with some1 else people would be shoutin tell her. no smoke with out fire bro a true mate would say what he herd people laughin and **** at him so low

jimd2

Send your friend an anonomous letter and make it clear and to the point. After all it is not just you that has noticed it.

Recommend in the letter that he get a paternity test done with the child.

athtrasna

jimd2 wrote: »

Send your friend an anonomous letter and make it clear and to the point. After all it is not just you that has noticed it.

Recommend in the letter that he get a paternity test done with the child.

The worst advice I have seen on this thread. The bottom line is it's none of the op's business, going down the route of anonymous letters would be traumatic for everyone involved.

OP your friend has eyes, they can see what you can see. There is also science, as others have pointed out, it's perfectly possible that he's still the dad despite lack of physical resemblances. At the end of the day it's your friend in the situation, let them to it. People rarely appreciate interference, is it worth losing your friendship over?

Detached Retina

Stay out of it. "You just know" is that a "gut" feeling or are you more personally invested. If not,you don't know really - all of the scenarios mentioned previously are possible. And I've been on the receiving end of spite based on a similar scenario eg. my ex being south asian, me being dark featured due to north african grandparents - my daughter dark, but my son came out quite light in comparison (basically my extended family are very varied coloring wise). (My ex had joked previously about his friend and latvian wife that their kid was too light to be his) This coupled with him being convinced due to jealous nature that a coworker was more than a friend....not nice :mad:

cactusgal

My parents both have blue eyes, but my brother and I both have brown eyes. According to your girlfriend, my father is not the actual sperm donor. Christmas is ruined

Seriously, stay out of it. Your justifications are flimsy at best.

Oryx

Full Marx wrote: »

You could even offer this information to him in a joking way "guess what nonsense I heard, you'll get a laugh out of this" etc.

In what way could 'your missus might have cheated, your kid may not be yours' ever be passed off as a joke? If youre going to shatter someone, at least know what you are doing.

sabat

If you really feel like you have to do something, it wouldn't be impossible to get a DNA test done without him knowing about it. If he and the child are around your house or you at theirs you could probably find a stray hair from each of them and send them off to be tested. If they're related then fine, your mind will be put to rest and no-one's the wiser. If not, go to him with your concerns as stated here and encourage him to get the test done, without letting on that you already know the outcome.

Rachiee

OP it seems like you think that if you don't say anything to your friend you are lying by omission.
You are not because you don't actually know anything!!
All you know Is that a mutual friend is spreading rumours nothing else, you don't know that the child isn't his,you don't know that the wife had an affair,all you know is that a mutual friend is talking sh**.
If you really want to tell your friend something that is all you could tell him in good faith but what good would that do?

You worry he only stayed because she was pregnant and didn't love her, that doesn't mean he doesn't love her now, you say yourself he's happier than he's ever been.

He could never ask of you why didn't you tell me because you didn't know ANYTHING? You may think you know some thing but you don't.
I know it's cliche but I like to live by before you speak ask yourself Is it true?...
(You don't know)
...Is it necessary?...
(He's happy, they're happy, he might already know)
...Is it kind?
(It will open up an awful can of worms even if it is unfounded rumours, why would you want to do that?)

Meauldsegosha

sabat wrote: »

If you really feel like you have to do something, it wouldn't be impossible to get a DNA test done without him knowing about it. If he and the child are around your house or you at theirs you could probably find a stray hair from each of them and send them off to be tested. If they're related then fine, your mind will be put to rest and no-one's the wiser. If not, go to him with your concerns as stated here and encourage him to get the test done, without letting on that you already know the outcome.

This is ridiculous advice. This isn't a soap opera, it's real life. People can't do secret DNA tests on other people to satisfy a curiosity. OP, don't do this it is an invasion of your friends privacy and is morally wrong.

OP, the fact is you know nothing, all you have is speculation and conjecture. Say nothing to your friend but maybe look at yourself and why you are obsessing about something that has nothing to do with you.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you may find that this is more complicated than your simplistic promise. Even if this child isn't your friend's, you're not privy to what is going on in his relationship. For all you know, he might be well aware that the child isn't his. She might have felt guilty and confessed all to him. Or he has figured it out for himself and decided to treat the child as if it's his biological son. These are private matters he's not going to be trashing out with you.

It's not as cut and dried as you think it is. This little boy is an innocent victim in all of this and what you're agonising over is life-changing for him. He's not a lab experiment. He's a little human being who's growing up in a home with a mum and a dad and a family around him. Your friend probably loves being a dad and adores the little chap. You'd need to consider what you'd be doing to him if you opened your mouth.

Besides, as everyone has pointed out, you've not got a lot to go on. It's conjecture. As I read this, the first thought that popped into my head was the story about that blonde Roma child. I see other people have chipped in with their own stories of family members who don't look like anyone. In short, it's very dangerous to be opening your mouth over a matter you don't know enough about.

Even if it is true, you might ruin your friendship. That's something worth thinking about. I think you should say nothing and forget those rumours you've heard. Sure, it's lying by admission but real life can be complicated and contradictory.

mapaca

Your friend's relationship is none of your business. Stay out of it and say nothing.

And what would you tell him anyway? You have utterly no evidence, proof, nothing. All you have are some nasty rumours told to you by a mutual "friend". This friend is happy to spread these rumours with no proof, and wants you to tell the guy but leave his name out of it? I wouldn't trust him to be honest.

Remember, someone who gossips TO you can also gossip ABOUT you.

desertcircus

1. You have absolutely no evidence that the child is not his. "The kid looks like another bloke" is not evidence; it's gossip. I'm five foot nine, tanned, completely bald with a black beard and fifteen stone, and my brother is five foot ten, rail thin, blond and freckled. I can't emphasise this enough: you have absolutely zero evidence for what you're claiming.

2. Even if the kid isn't biologically his, he may already know. They may have had to use a sperm donor. She may have cheated on him and he may have made the decision to stick with the relationship and raise the child as his own. He may know full well but have decided never to ask or investigate. All of this is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

fungun

when we were kids we always promised we'd never keep stuff like this from each other

This is not reality. These are idealistic notions before people realise that life is more complex. So if your guilt stems from this, then realise that was a childish promise.



If you had seen this guy with your own eyes, seen things from her herself where you thought she was too close to this guy, seen how much their kid looks like that guy......then maybe Id think about having a little chat about whether he felt ok with his partner and how close she was to this guy.

But everything you have spoken about is hearsay. From others, one guy in particular.....for all you know he may be wanting to stir the ****. I just dont think you have anything like enough confidence to start saying this to him.

In terms of friendship towards your friend too....realise that you saying something to him may sow the seeds of doubt when he is actually happy and nothing is wrong, and you could end up ****ing up their relationship. Its nowhere near as simple as saying 'Im just being honest'

Lux23

My brother is blue eyed yet both my parents are brown eyed, this is highly unusual but it can happen. Besides the fact that the child could well be his, its none of your business.

EoghanIRL

sabat wrote: »

If you really feel like you have to do something, it wouldn't be impossible to get a DNA test done without him knowing about it. If he and the child are around your house or you at theirs you could probably find a stray hair from each of them and send them off to be tested. If they're related then fine, your mind will be put to rest and no-one's the wiser. If not, go to him with your concerns as stated here and encourage him to get the test done, without letting on that you already know the outcome.

This is so unethical and immoral.
Just want to reiterate that this advice is bad and shouldn't be followed.

LegacyUser

Amazing the number of people who want the OP to look the other way, and in reality, I'd probably give the same advice. However, what happens down the line if the kid has to get a genetic test done (for cancer genes, hereditary illnesses etc) and finds out? Unbelievably cruel of people to let that risk be run, imo. It is also cruel to let the OP's friend live a life where he is the source of gossip and jokes behind his back. If someone was spreading rumours about me I'd like to know, so I could address the gossiper directly.

I doubt the OP can address this issue directly (unfortunately) but maybe he can address it obliquely. For example, I have 3 brothers, we all look very alike but have different traits athletically, we've been discussing doing one of those "23 and Me" tests to see where we differ sportswise, just out of curiosity. Why not suggest something similar to your friend OP, it might get the train of thought going for the friend.

It's a tough situation, and eitherway you lose, but a true friend would do what's right, and not what leads to an easy life, hard as that may be.

sReq | uTeK

Jesus you must be bored. My two we ones look nothing like me but are the spit of their mother (thank god) but behind closed doors where only my wife and I get to see they have all my characteristics. Looks mean diddly squat.

As another poster said they might have adopted or had a sperm doner. Either way it's none of your business

sabat

EoghanIRL wrote: »

This is so unethical and immoral.
Just want to reiterate that this advice is bad and shouldn't be followed.

Where did I say "this is what you should do"? If the op feels that he should do all he can and that this undertaking, which I'm fully aware might be on shaky ground ethically, is justified by the severity of the situation, then it's a practical option, one which, unlike every other post here, will have a definitive answer. Is it wrong to take an extreme measure if someone you truly care about is in an extreme, potentially life-destroying, scenario like heroin addiction or cult membership? If the child isn't his he's being conned out of his love and hundreds of thousands of euros as well as committing to a cheating <SNIP>?

Edit:there is of course the most honest way, which I'd do, and just say it (I mean your suspicions as they stand)to him straight. It would probably be 50/50 that he'd never speak to you again, whether or not the child is his, so only you can judge whether it's worth the risk.

eviltwin

sabat wrote: »

Where did I say "this is what you should do"? If the op feels that he should do all he can and that this undertaking, which I'm fully aware might be on shaky ground ethically, is justified by the severity of the situation, then it's a practical option, one which, unlike every other post here, will have a definitive answer. Is it wrong to take an extreme measure if someone you truly care about is in an extreme, potentially life-destroying, scenario like heroin addiction or cult membership? If the child isn't his he's being conned out of his love and hundreds of thousands of euros as well as committing to a cheating <SNIP>

You can't get a DNA test done without consent of the parents, it's a massive betrayal of their privacy, the child's privacy. How dare anyone even consider doing that without any good reason too. Even if the child isn't his it doesn't mean he is unaware. There are many circumstances where someone is raising a child they aren't biologically related to. It's not something they may choose to share.

kylith

sabat wrote: »

Where did I say "this is what you should do"? If the op feels that he should do all he can and that this undertaking, which I'm fully aware might be on shaky ground ethically, is justified by the severity of the situation, then it's a practical option, one which, unlike every other post here, will have a definitive answer. Is it wrong to take an extreme measure if someone you truly care about is in an extreme, potentially life-destroying, scenario like heroin addiction or cult membership? If the child isn't his he's being conned out of his love and hundreds of thousands of euros as well as committing to a cheating <SNIP>

Is it wrong to secretly run DNA tests on your friends? Seriously?! Regardless of the outcome, if it were me, I'd never speak to the OP again for fear that he'd start secretly start testing my BAC if he thinks I'm drinking too much or whatever else he thought he should protect me from.

LegacyUser

op here

there is so much to address here I don't know where to start, I think the Christmas will divert my attention for the next week but it's going to niggle away at the back of my mind

I accept I cannot go there with questioning him being the kids father but if I do decide to intervene it will to be address the rumors, I cannot at least have my friend being made a fool of either it being true or not

I may fall out with the mutual friend as he is only person who I can address these rumours through. I feel bad for him as he is in a difficult position being the source is his wife via her sisters friend who works there. although she shouldn't be gossiping I wouldn't like to see someone career effected either, apparently the guy is quite Senior but I'm sure that would be the last of his worries if it did get back. what a mess

I'll check in on this thread again but I'm not sure if I'll post again although I think I've already posted way to much but I just don't give a stuff anymore

I'll mull it over in the new year on my course of action