Right to be pissed off?

LegacyUser

So have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now and today he gives me a gift of Lingerie for Christmas, nothing else but Lingerie! Am I right to be upset by this? I put a lot of thought and effort into his gift and got him a few things that I knew he liked but I feel like Lingerie is a selfish gift that no thought or effort was put into.

Am I overreacting? My boyfriend was genuinely upset when he saw hoe disappointed I was but I think Lingerie is more a gift for Valentines Day and not a first Christmas together as a couple.

Thoughts?

dudara

He might have been trying to give you a sexy, fun present by giving you lingerie. What did he say?

amdublin

What was the spirit it was given to you in?

Do you think he intended it as a thoughtful present or a selfish present?

I'd take it in the spirit it was intended.

stampydmonkey

Save both of urselves this kind of grief by dropping massive gift hints on the lead up to Christmas. Everyone wins and nobody ends up pissed off... unless ur other half is a dope and didnt cop onto any hints.

Terrontress

You've no idea how tough it is to buy something for someone you care about. Some people are able to but such thoughtful presents with ease. I always find myself wandering round shops and end up throwing money at the problem. This year it has been a €200 Michael Kors purse and I feel rotten about it because there is no thought in it, just an attempt to bamboozle her with a price tag that I can't afford.

I have had friends suggest that I buy lingerie as a present, but I'm not that sort of guy, but I've often considered it to make things easier.

From what you have said, your boyfriend seemed upset that you reacted negatively to his gift. In my mind that suggests that time, thought and emotion went into buying it. And if that's the case you should be delighted with anything he's put his heart and soul into, even if it was something he made himself.

Thank him, enjoy the present and let him know that it might not be your cup of tea.

And ask him what you should tell your family when they ask what he got you.

Lisha

Sarah are you upset because you feel that this gift shows he 'doesn't really know yiu' ??

It's your first Christmas . Is it worth ruining the memory ?

To him the gift might have shown that he sees you as his long term partner that he can be fun with. To be fair if be more freaked out if he got me the same perfume as his mother!!

How do you feel now that you've had time to digest it?

Lisha

What terrontrees said. He is dead right.

Ash.J.Williams

At least you made sure he felt like sh1t at Xmas

ASoberThought

Wow, you sound like hard work.

Be happy that you got something and give the guy a break.

Rachiee

I can understand why you are disdained but some people are just really bad at buying gifts it doesn't mean he didn't try get you something special the fact that he was disappointed by your reaction means he had wanted to get you something really nice and he cats about you. He could have spent weekend shopping got stressed told his friends and someone else could have suggested it or maybe he was trying to let you know that he thinks you are utterly gorgeous I wouldn't think on it or name him feel bad.

HanaleiJ5N

Lingerie on its own is a bit of a brainfart of a present, and I feel the OP has every right to be upset by this. Try to imagine at the dinner table today if she's asked by her family "So what did he get you for Christmas?".

If he got something else (completely unrelated to their sex life) as well as the lingerie then it would be fine, it would be like "This one is for you , and this one is for us ".

blue note

I've never bought lingerie for a Christmas present because of have felt it was a selfish Christmas present. However, I have been told by many women that it is a great present and has often been recommend to me as something to buy. He could have had the same, asked a few of his female friends and been convinced it was a great present.

Also, consider the effort it takes to buy the stuff! You in reality haven't a clue what you're doing. You are surrounded by girls in the shop who you feel are starting at you while you're telling the shop girl what you find sexy. You can use words like that's "very nice", or "that's her style I think" but the truth is dirtier and you and the shop assistant know it and everyone in the shop knows it. And they're judging you for it, for picking stuff that's slutty or grannyish, or whatever.

The more I think about this the more I think he went to great lengths to buy you a great present and the more I think you should put it on and thank him!!!

kylith

I think the OP is justified in being annoyed. Buying lingerie for someone and nothing else is thoughtless; what is she supposed to tell her family when they ask what he got her, and coupled with that the chances of it being her size are small.

For Valentine's it'd be grand, but not Christmas. There's no shame in asking someone for a hint to what they'd like. It's what I do myself because I'm useless at buying presents.

magneticimpulse

It shouts he just has one thing on his mind and that's getting you into bed. I would be mortified if my family and friends asked me what he got! It shows he didn't put any effort or thought into the gift.

If he knew you well he would have known that's not a tasteful gift at all. I'd be really upset if I got that

R.D. aka MR.D

Some people are just really bad at giving gifts.

As another poster mentioned, he might have asked around and this was suggested to him. Or maybe he doesn't have much experience with relationships as you would see this kind of stuff on TV or whatever.

Don't beat yourself up about being disappointed. It takes a while to get into a gift routine with a partner.

Don't beat him up for making a mistake. He tried. That counts for something. Just because he seems like he didn't go to much effort, he might have. If he's a good guy otherwise, then just move on from it.

dixiefly

The OP has a right to be disappointed as it is a strange choice of present for the reasons outlined above.

However, she has made her point last night and I think she should give him the benefit of the doubt and forget about it and make their first christmas as happy and memorable as possible. If someone asks just say he got a voucher for something that you are hoping to buy.

JJayoo

What a horrid ungrateful person you are. You chose to make ur boyfriend feel like crap on Christmas day, and you have ruined his Christmas. Oh Boohoo you didn't get a big fancy present how will you ever cope

woodchuck

As some people here have said already, some women would like that kind of present and he might have just gotten some poor advice from female friends.

I wouldn't dwell on it though and I personally wouldn't given him a hard time about it either. It sounds like you've made your feelings about it perfectly clear already though, so you can bet he won't get you anything like that again. Hopefully you didn't give him too hard a time though, as I'm sure despite appearances he did actually try.

Tilly

JJayoo wrote: »

What a horrid ungrateful person you are. You chose to make ur boyfriend feel like crap on Christmas day, and you have ruined his Christmas. Oh Boohoo you didn't get a big fancy present how will you ever cope

Jesus the drama in your post! I'm guessing you got a crap present too!

Jenneke87

I can imagine why it would have dissapointed you, I also believe that you could have handled this situation with a bit more tact and grace...

Okay, so he got you a present you didn't like, it sucks but it can happen. Whether it was bad judgement on his part or he genuinely thought it to be a good idea he made an effort and got you something.

The issue with buying lingerie is that is something very personal. There's also the risk of it not fitting(bra not the right size) or that you don't like the colour/design. If someone bought me a devil-red little number I wouldn't be happy either, it would not make me feel sexy at all, which is presumably what he was after, a gift that you would both enjoy, not just him.

If you really don't like it, apologize for being rude and return the item and shop for a nice piece you both do like. Or keep it but tell him to leave the lingerie shopping up to yourself.

dissed doc

magneticimpulse wrote: »

It shouts he just has one thing on his mind and that's getting you into bed. I would be mortified if my family and friends asked me what he got! It shows he didn't put any effort or thought into the gift.

If he knew you well he would have known that's not a tasteful gift at all. I'd be really upset if I got that

Tell the relatives to mind their own business? Is it a competition? Only children ask each other what they got for Christmas.

Wompa1

Tilly wrote: »

Jesus the drama in your post! I'm guessing you got a crap present too!

It isn't present time where I am and I think it's kind of lousy too. The presents don't really matter. Particularly when you're not a kid.

Xcellor

Disappointed. Yes.
Pissed off. No.

power pants

dissed doc wrote: »

Tell the relatives to mind their own business? Is it a competition? Only children ask each other what they got for Christmas.

or could be just small talk to someone on xmas day to be polite and showing an interest.

dissed doc

power pants wrote: »

or could be just small talk to someone on xmas day to be polite and showing an interest.

I think being able to discuss a gift via smalltalk is not a reason to pick a particular gift.

JJayoo

Tilly wrote: »

Jesus the drama in your post! I'm guessing you got a crap present too!

Don't worry If I do get a present I dislike I will make sure to voce my disgust, it is Christmas after all all about ME

hairyslug

Sarah, can I ask what you would have liked? Just out of noseyness.

Going by his disappointment that you didn't like your present, I would say that he did put some thought into it but misjudged you, give him a break, enjoy Christmas

Ave Sodalis

OP, I don't know if you would like this sort of thing but I think to make the best of a bad situation, you could get him to take you to get yourself professionally fitted and buy underwear based on this?

It's not something I would actually have thought of before this thread but now that I do think of it, getting a very good, comfy, properly fitting bra would be a great present which would get plenty of use.

magneticimpulse

sup_dude wrote: »

OP, I don't know if you would like this sort of thing but I think to make the best of a bad situation, you could get him to take you to get yourself professionally fitted and buy underwear based on this?

It's not something I would actually have thought of before this thread but now that I do think of it, getting a very good, comfy, properly fitting bra would be a great present which would get plenty of use.

Maybe men should consider getting perfectly fitted jocks? Add some extra padding to make it look 2 sizes bigger - sounds wonderful

Honestly would a guy be impressed if his girlfriend just got him socks and jocks for Christmas? Pretty miserable gift. I doubt many guys would be happy with getting a pair of underpants!

Neyite

Mod:

Jjayoo warned for personal abuse. This is a reminder to you all to keep it civil, constructive and helpful to the OP. Otherwise don't post.

triple nipple

Ash.J.Williams wrote:

At least you made sure he felt like sh1t at Xmas

Isn't that whats really important

Alf Veedersane

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Maybe men should consider getting perfectly fitted jocks? Add some extra padding to make it look 2 sizes bigger - sounds wonderful

Honestly would a guy be impressed if his girlfriend just got him socks and jocks for Christmas? Pretty miserable gift. I doubt many guys would be happy with getting a pair of underpants!

Throw in a set of razor blades and I'm pretty damn happy with that.

Alf Veedersane

Sarah801 wrote: »

My boyfriend was genuinely upset when he saw hoe disappointed I was

That speaks volumes.

He obviously thought he was getting a decent present. Turns out you didn't think it was.

So you can be píssed off at him if you like bit considering he thought he was upset that you were disappointed it would br very churlish to make a bigger issue of it than it is.

bee06

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

That speaks volumes.

He obviously thought he was getting a decent present. Turns out you didn't think it was.

So you can be píssed off at him if you like bit considering he thought he was upset that you were disappointed it would br very churlish to make a bigger issue of it than it is.

Totally agree, it really is the thought that counts and if he was disappointed by your reaction then I would think he genuinely thought you'd like it. If my husband bought me something I didn't like I would never show my disappointment because I know he meant well. I'd also be quite happy with lingerie as a present as well.

uck51js9zml2yt

My wife got me a CD. I got her a hand made eternity ring.
I'm enjoying the CD and the Sphero I bought myself.

Life's too short, I suppose heart surgery puts things into perpesctive and not everyone has had that benefit.
If it upsets you then you need to sit down with him and have a chat. You also need to understand why you're upset.

iusedtoknow

The wife and I have been together 10 years and in all honesty....can't remember what she got for me last year, far less what I've given her over the years. They're all still used (i think). Gifts are gestures and nothing more. You should look towards the motivation for a gift rather than the gift itself

To get pissed off over a gesture seems really spiteful and immature. No matter the gift, it is just good manners to graciously accept the gift, and move on. I think you need to take a look at your motivations for reacting in the way you did.

osarusan

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

That speaks volumes.

He obviously thought he was getting a decent present. Turns out you didn't think it was.

So you can be píssed off at him if you like bit considering he thought he was upset that you were disappointed it would br very churlish to make a bigger issue of it than it is.

+1 on this.

Sounds like a poorly judged present rather than a thoughtless present.

I'd try not to make too big a deal of it. If it needs to be talked about, say what you've said here - that it's not your idea of a Christmas present. Hopefully he'll see your side of it and maybe want to make it up to you.

Chemical Byrne

sup_dude wrote:

It's not something I would actually have thought of before this thread but now that I do think of it, getting a very good, comfy, properly fitting bra would be a great present which would get plenty of use.

sup_dude wrote:

OP, I don't know if you would like this sort of thing but I think to make the best of a bad situation, you could get him to take you to get yourself professionally fitted and buy underwear based on this?

sup_dude wrote:

It's not something I would actually have thought of before this thread but now that I do think of it, getting a very good, comfy, properly fitting bra would be a great present which would get plenty of use.

Are you serious? That's is one of the most bizarre present ideas I've ever hear of.
If my gf got me tailored jocks for Xmas I would be mast unimpressed!

Op is 100% right to be pissed. Giving lingere as a gift is the height of disrespect imo at the best of times, never mind Christmas! It's basically saying "this is what I think of you".
<SNIP>

bren2002

In an adult relationship there is a place for lingerie. Lets face it it's fun. Not sure I'd do it as a sole Xmas present. But remember it can be very expensive stuff maybe he blew the budget, so to speak.

magneticimpulse

bren2002 wrote: »

In an adult relationship there is a place for lingerie. Lets face it it's fun. Not sure I'd do it as a sole Xmas present. But remember it can be very expensive stuff maybe he blew the budget, so to speak.

In an adult relationship sex toys can also be fun - but it doesn't mean the most important gift of the year should be a sex toy or anything bedroom related.

Who is the gift really for? Hence why it's a selfish gift. No matter if lingerie is bought in penny's or Chanel it's still just a bra and knickers at the end of the day. Just like buying a guy a pair of jocks only for a Christmas present!!

bee06

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Op is 100% right to be pissed. Giving lingere as a gift is the height of disrespect imo at the best of times, never mind Christmas! It's basically saying "this is what I think of you".
<SNIP>

And what type of girl is that? One who enjoys sex with the man she loves? There is nothing wrong with lingerie as a present when gifted with the right spirit as with most gifts. I would have no issue with my husband buying me lingerie as a present.

Ave Sodalis

Chemical Byrne wrote:

Are you serious? That's is one of the most bizarre present ideas I've ever hear of. If my gf got me tailored jocks for Xmas I would be mast unimpressed!

Yes, I'm serious. There's a reason for all the professional bra fitters in most underwear shops. Have you any idea how uncomfortable a cheap, ill-fitting bra can be? The vast majority of women are walking around in bras that don't fit, myself included. I've never taken the time to get fitted as there's no fitters nearby, and I only own bras from Penneys. Continuous wearing of poor fitting bras can cause a whole host of problems. So yes, although a cheap set from Penneys might be a disappointing present, I would find going out and getting properly fitted and getting a really good bra to be a great present.

Sound Bite

I think you are overreacting. Badly judgment call on his part given you don't like it but nothing more than that!

A lot of women, myself included, would love to receive sexy lingerie as a gift. I'd even be impressed with the confidence, especially if the size was right and it was tasteful.

PinkLemonade

If he gets you an Xbox for your birthday dump him!

I can see why your upset, but it does sound like he made a genuine mistake, best to learn from it and move on

retro:electro

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Are you serious? That's is one of the most bizarre present ideas I've ever hear of.
If my gf got me tailored jocks for Xmas I would be mast unimpressed!

Op is 100% right to be pissed. Giving lingere as a gift is the height of disrespect imo at the best of times, never mind Christmas! It's basically saying "this is what I think of you".
<SNIP>

There is nothing sordid and slutty about giving lingere, nothing whatsoever. If he had given it alongside something else like perfume, fine, or if he had gifted her it for Valentine's day thats fine too. Not a great present to give by itself at Christmas though, but definitely not sordid or slutty. Once again your weird attitude to sex/sexual activity rears its head.

Penny Tration

Using terms like slutty and sordid are ridiculous over reactions.

Plenty of women LOVE receiving lingerie as a gift, because they enjoy being thought of as sexy. I'd love my boyfriend to buy me lingerie because lingerie in my bra size is incredibly difficult to find and expensive. He knows I'd love it, because I love knowing he thinks of me as a sexy person.

Op, your boyfriend got it wrong. But, he clearly tried to put thought into it, given he was upset you didn't like it. Just tell him in future you'd really not like lingerie as a gift then move on and forget it. some women love it, some don't, so move on and no harm done.

dudara

@magneticimpulse - I've deleted your post as it was off-topic and did not add anything to address the OP's issue. Please post helpfully in future, or don't post.

dudara

Dial Hard

Some seriously odd attitudes to lingerie as a gift on this thread. "What's she supposed to tell her family when they ask what he got her???!!!" Eh, the truth? It's not like he got her a massive dildo or something.

I used to get lingerie from La Senza (RIP) every year as part of my Christmas present from "Santa" (my mum) and it would be laid out under the tree with everything else for - shock horror - the whole family to see.

If the OP is disappointed with the present because she felt no effort went into its choosing, then that's her prerogative, but there's a world of difference between disappointed and pissed off, and the latter is an overreaction, imo.

dudara

@Chemical Byrne - you've been told repeatedly not to post about your relationship in this forum.

dudara

Tasden

Seriously, some weird ideas on this thread.

Lingerie being a present "for him"? It takes two to have sex and most people in relationships equally enjoy having sex together. So just because he may enjoy looking at her wearing it,that does not mean it is only for him. If it makes her feel sexy and they both enjoy it together then it it is not a gift for him. The idea that he would want to have sex with his girlfriend and enjoy things like lingerie is hardly horrific, the way some people are commenting you'd think he is some sort of creep. And acknowledging that they have a good sex life is not an indication of "what he thinks of her/one thing on his mind". Sex is a huge part of a relationship and enjoying it in different ways is perfectly healthy.

I know that i love getting frivolous things as presents that i usually wouldn't splurge on myself. Now in my case I have an obsession with buying expensive underwear so lingerie wouldn't be one of those things, but perhaps he felt op doesn't tend to treat herself in that way and wouldn't ever buy frivolous stuff like that so he wanted to do that for her. I rarely buy bath stuff but if someone got me some (which is sometimes viewed as a fairly generic gift) i would be delighted because it's something I'd rarely buy myself.

Honestly, even if it was just a case of "I'd like to have some fun sex with my girlfriend and fancied spicing things up", why is that such a horrible thing?

LegacyUser

Wow some mixed opinions on this thread and a lot telling me I am ungrateful etc.

Just to clear a few things up it wasn't that I wanted a lavish, expensive gift because I am not like that whatsoever, a cd of my fave band and a perfume I liked or something would have meant more cos it would have shown he put thought into a gift for me. I just feel with it being our first Christmas together that Lingerie, and lingerie only, was not appropriate (and the fact he got my size wrong did upset me a little, and yes he does know my size). I did not give him a hard time I just let him know I was a little dissapointed and I don't think I was wrong for feeling like this. At the time I felt like it was a thoughtless, slightly selfish, not thought out present for your girlfriend for your first Christmas together. I know he was upset I was disappointed but I cant help how I feel.

He is a great guy overall and constantly tells me how beautiful I am and loves my body so I know he didn't mean any harm and his heart was in the right place.