Mother in law treating my child differently

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Regular poster going unregistered. Have a problem with my mother in law, she has 4 grandkids and treats our little boy differently to the other 3. Granted he is only a baby but over Christmas she got him very little in comparison to the other grandkids, and bought the others all new outfits to wear on Christmas day, nothing for our son. It was the same when our little man was born, we got very little from her in gifts. My brother in law and his wife had a baby around the same time and they got loads of gifts from her, same when the other 2 were born, they got baby equipment from her, car seats, moses basket etc. We got one outfit for him. Now that doesn't bother me as much, yea it's not nice being treated differently but it's her money, she can do what she likes with it.

But we spent Christmas with her and she has made a lot of comments which has me very concerned. She made several comments about not having to see our son all the time. We live 2 hours away from her and before we had our little boy we would visit very regularly, maybe every 3weeks we would make the trip down. Our son has medical needs so we can't bring him places as easily, but we have made the effort and bring him down to see her as often as possible. Her other grandchildren live within 20 minutes of her. She told me she has other grandkids and wouldn't mind not seeing him regularly. Initially I thought she was being nice, meaning she didn't want us to feel pressured into coming down regularly. But then she began telling me how much she loves spending time with her other grandchildren and they are her world. This happened Christmas day so I said nothing and bit my tongue. I also overhead her saying that we better not expect her to babysit when we are down, despite regularly babysitting her other grandchildren, she has only babysat once when my husband got sick and I had to bring him to hospital while visiting her. Thinking back on it I don't think she even held our baby over the 3 day period we visited over Christmas. She has also only visited us once since our Man arrived 8 months ago.

So now I am worried about my son, he is a baby now so he knows no different but I don't want him picking up on it as he gets older. I don't want him to feel inferior to his cousins and less loved. My husband will not have a bad word said against his mother, he constantly defends her. Has anyone any advice for me? I don't want to cause a family argument but I want to stick up for my boy. I am angry she treats him so differently. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

ShamoBuc

It would appear she is the one with the issue. Continue to bite your tongue. Don't make an issue of it. Continue as normal. If it continues in the coming years, your other half will pick up on it, if not, this too shall pass.

How Strange

I'd say count your blessings that she lives 2hrs away from you so your son won't be exposed to her nastiness too often

ruby37

She's clearly a nasty piece of work just like my own mother in law. She is exactly the same towards my child. At first it used to upset me but now I'm bloody glad she has little to do with him because I'd rather he didn't grow up around such a twisted oul biddy! He's better off not having too much to do with her. The way I look at it is, he has so many people that love him so much, he doesn't need her.

alan partridge aha

ruby37 wrote: »

She's clearly a nasty piece of work just like my own mother in law. She is exactly the same towards my child. At first it used to upset me but now I'm bloody glad she has little to do with him because I'd rather he didn't grow up around such a twisted oul biddy! He's better off not having too much to do with her. The way I look at it is, he has so many people that love him so much, he doesn't need her.

Bit harsh there is always 2 sides to a story.

mackey9387

Both my parents have favoured my sisters child over my 2 children. My eldest is 9 and he use to stay in their house most Friday nights. Since the arrival of my niece 2 years ago he has probably only been asked to stay 5 times. He has since come to us saying he doesn't want to stay there again and we only visit once a week where as before we were in their house 4 or 5 times a week. Since my one year old arrived my other half really noticed the treatment towards our children.

There's not much you can do but your child will grow up as my 9 year old has and make the decision themselves to see her or not at the end of the day your child won't know any different if this has been how he has always been treated but it's her loss shes the one who will be missing out as these are the years of a child's life when family connections are made

ruby37

alan partridge aha wrote: »

Bit harsh there is always 2 sides to a story.

Maybe there are but I always believe children shouldn't come in to it. They are innocent and one should not be favoured over another.

tinkerbell

Be glad you live 2 hours from her then. And I wouldn't put any effort into visiting her either after the way she has treated your little family. She sounds like a right cow tbh. Your husband will (hopefully) eventually see her true colours.

CaraMay

Would she be concerned about minding him because of the medical needs the baby has?

pwurple

It's mad how people see things differently. I was only just chatting with my husband yesterday about how to get grandparents to ease up a bit. Our smallies were given 5 gifts each from the grandparents, way too much. Dolls and clothes and books and musical instruments and more toys. Santa gave them one toy each, so this was just crazy for them. We pretty much decided we can't say much about it without offending them, but i'd love them to rein it in and go to one small gift each instead.

I think your mother in law was either trying to be nice about not seeing him as often as the others, or being a passive agressive bint, making you feel guilty about not making that two hour drive more often. How is your relationship with her? And your husbands? Do you or him phone for chats etc...

Banjoxed

alan partridge aha wrote: »

Bit harsh there is always 2 sides to a story.

There is a bitter side to the Irish Mammy cliche and some have it more than others.

December2012

I'd be interested to hear your husbands take on it - what way does he see it? Maybe his take is more moderate yet explainable

Chocolate fiend

Your little one is only 8 months old, maybe she is more comfortable when children get a little older? Don't write her off just yet.

mayway

Just stop calling over. If she decides she wants to see your young lad then she should make the effort. She sounds like a dreadful person.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have just read your post and I am shocked at how she is treating your son. He is your first child and most first borns are treated brilliantly. My grandmother is the same. She favours my two cousins and my cousins child who is 3 in February. She constantly helps my aunt with them and has always spoilt the. She is basically a second mother to them. There are 10 grandchildren 5 boys and 5 girls and she is only all the girls she never had any time for any of the boys. So my advice to you would be to stop visiting her and have nothing to do with her and if your husband isnt happy about it just make it clear that your son is both of yours and you should not have to go through it. Just be all your son from now on and completely spoil him rotten and even spoil him more than the other grandchildren. As children grow up so quickly just make the most of every moment with him and completely treasure him and buy him everything.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Would she be concerned about minding him because of the medical needs the baby has?

+ 1 this was my first thought reading the OP. If the child has medical needs it may be something she'd just not able to deal with. Not saying it's right or wrong but not everyone is comfortable around illness/disability and maybe it would be worth taking to her about his medical needs so she feels more comfortable?

LegacyUser

thanks everyone for the replies, sorry about the delay in getting back on here. will try to answer everything as best i cant. but i really appreciate the replies, i grew up in a house where we were encourgaed to be doormats, lots of "dont cause a row" and "bite your tongue" so i never know if i am being oversensitive or not, glad to know that others think her behaviour is out of order!

my husband is extremely laid back person, so he doesnt think much of it. he wont have a bad word said against her and is constantly looks for ways to defend her. she insulted both myself and a member of my own family over christmas and i again bit my tongue, mil was intoxicated so my OH put it down to alcohol. but everytime she says or does anything to offend us he makes excuses. if she was my own mother i would have said something years ago. if i am honest she as always treated us the worst of the couples, even before the little man came along. we would never been invited to family gatherings etc that the rest of them would, i used to put it down to not having kids but nothing has changed. My OH has let them get away with it for so long and they walk all over us. I have made my peace with her not treating myself or my OH the same, i can get over that, its just different now.

CaraMay wrote: »

Would she be concerned about minding him because of the medical needs the baby has?

my mil wouldnt have any issues with that, she is a retired nurse.
I dont even mind that she wont look after my son, the situation would rarely arise that we would need to ask her. but i dont like the way she said it.

a few posters said we are lucky we dont live close and ye are so right. god i am glad i got this out, this has been eating me up for a while.