Am I Wrong To Be Upset

LegacyUser

Recently I was in a bar with my wife of two years. She was at the bar getting us some drinks and I seen a man (who she just met) with his arm around her and rubbing her back. They were laughing and chatting. This went on about 2/3 mins, while I was atanding on my own feeling like a d**k.

She then proceeded to accept a drink from him (something she is strongly against) and neck it. I think she didn't think I noticed. I told herbI wanted to leave soon after as I didn't want to bring it up and have an argument in the club.

It's been on my mind a lot ever since. If the shoe was on the other foot I'd have politely told the woman I was married and declined the drink. Maybe that's rude, but I wouldn't like to be sending out the wrong signals. I also would not let a woman have her arm around me rubbing my back, especially not in my wifes presence as it's so disrespectful (in my opinion).

I feel down about it at times since it. Am I wrong to be upset? Do I need to just man up a bit more? I didn't bring it up in conversation in the last week because I thought if I'm overreacting it would make it a big deal and make me seem controlling.

Normally she'd immediately tell any guy she's married and buy her own drink. She's not one to let men buy her drinks at all.

Any advice greatly accepted.

Thanks,

J.

retro:electro

Nope you're not wrong to feel upset. Can't imagine anyone who wouldn't have a problem with seeing that, doesn't bode well for what she gets up to on nights when you're not there. Have you brought this up with her?

jimmycrackcorm

anna080 wrote:

Nope you're not wrong to feel upset. Can't imagine anyone who wouldn't have a problem with seeing that, doesn't bode well for what she gets up to on nights when you're not there. Have you brought this up with her?

It has no bearing on what she might do if she were out on her own as clearly she knew that her OH was there. She obviously liked the attention and didn't think she was the OPs possession.

I've been in a similar position but never felt threatened because I understand that my OH just enjoys the attention.

retro:electro

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

It has no bearing on what she might do if she were out on her own as clearly she knew that her OH was there. She obviously liked the attention and didn't think she was the OPs possession.

I've been in a similar position but never felt threatened because I understand that my OH just enjoys the attention.

Okay but there's a difference in chatting to someone and enjoying their attention and then allowing someone rub your back while your husband watches on. That's just plain old flirting in my book.

Mr.Carter

You need to talk to her, that's waaay beyond a little attention.

bilbot79

It is disrespectful to you I think. She should have thought 'My husband will feel disrespected'.

You should bring it up with her and iron it out. Don't let it grow in your head.

bee06

I thinks horrendously disrespect to you OP. I would never in a million years do that to my husband. I'd be like you OP, just tell guys I'm married and occasionally get abuse from the guy for it but I don't want to lead anyone on. I certainly don't need attention from some randomer to boost my confidence either.

Xterminator

i think you are over-reacting TBH.

in an ideal world your partner would have handled the situation better, and yes having a word with her about it might be appropriate.

However i suspect you are projecting your own insecurities and making the situation & motivation seem worse than it was. i suspect this based on your language and tone there in your post.

So i recommend you be careful and balanced on what you say. maybe wait until you feel less emotional before broaching the subject, and concentrate on how it made you feel, rather than any accusations etc.

PsychoSue

Geezer2015 wrote: »

Normally she'd immediately tell any guy she's married and buy her own drink. She's not one to let men buy her drinks at all.

And how do you know this?? If she's out with the girls how do you know that she doesn't accept drinks from other men? She did it IN FRONT of you and you think she doesn't do it when you're not there?
I'm sorry but if she did it infront of you knowing you may see then she defo does it when she's out alone BUT this could mean nothing.

I've been out with my friends and gone to the bar and while waiting had guys come onto me, I've said in a polite way that I'm married and they say ah it's ok sure were just chatting, I agree it is ok but as long as they know that's all it is - a short chat. Some have bought me the drink I was waiting for n I've thanked them and left. So certain aspects are ok in my opinion, the rubbing of the back though is a NO, ill talk to anyone but touching is overstepping the mark....

If it's bugging you, you should defo say something. It will only brew and fester and if there is another incident it could erupt into something more serious just because it was let go this time. Be sure of what bothered you though was it the fact she accepted the drink, the laughing/joking while you waited, him rubbing her back or all of the above...

woodchuck

Personally I think you're overreacting a bit. You have no idea what was going on in her head at the time. Maybe she felt a bit intimidated by a guy and thought it would be easier to just neck the drink and head back to you, knowing nothing would happen since you were there anyway. She could just as easily come in here saying something along the lines of:

"I was out at a bar with my husband and while getting a drink another guy started hitting on me and rubbing my back. My OH was around and I'm pretty sure he saw it, but he did nothing about it. I feel hurt that he would leave me alone in such a vulnerable situation. The other guy insisted on buying me a drink, so I quickly downed it, headed back to my husband and that was the end of it. But should I say something to my husband about the fact that he didn't intervene?"

If it's really bothering you though, you should just talk to her about it. Nobody here can tell you what was really going on at the bar.