Dealing with anger and bereavement.

catbear

Need any opinions on this as it's really draining me emotionally at the moment.

7 years ago my father died after two very tough years of watching him waste away. He'd been an active retiree but a severe stroke rendered him almost totally paralyzed from the neck down.

It was harrowing to see him still mentally alert but trapped in his body.
Towards the end I held him and told him to let go, knowing him I knew he was holding on only for my mother but eventually we could see him letting go. It was at that point I felt a peace come over me, I felt I had begun to grieve.

Not long after that he did pass away and I felt extreme relief for him now that his suffering was ended.
That is how it should have ended.

But unfortunately a sibling who likes bossing people around and lives abroad came home towards the end and starting picking fights with dads palliative care team. He wanted me to gang up with him to launch a legal protest. It was insane, I had watched the medical staff look after our father nearly every day for over two years, exhausting all possible treatments and I couldn't fault them and yet here was my sibling returning home after long absences saying it was their fault he was dying.

When I told him I couldn't support his action he turned on me and accused me of wanting our father to die of thirst. It is the single most hurtful thing that's ever been said to me my whole life. If the soul has blood then he hit my artery and I was crippled with shock. I'm crying now recalling this.

In the middle of grieving he's attacking me.

But when we were burying my father my sibling forgot all about his threats and accusations, he was even cracking jokes as we carried the coffin. I felt vile being in his presence.

Anyway we went our ways, the whole thing left me traumatised. It took a few years for the horrible dirty feeling from the incident to lift off me. I warned my other siblings that I'd be avoiding him from now on, keeping contact strictly to important family gatherings only. In truth my sibling is already dead to me and I feel zero remorse for that.

The new arrangement worked, he kept out of my way until just before this xmas. While I was walking along he pulled up beside me in his car and told me I had to attend a dinner at his house a few nights later and then nonchalantly drove off. The existing personal boundary was gone and he was back to his bossiness with me again.

From that moment on I have been in a rage, it feels like all the numbing shock from 7 years ago which took years to defuse has just erupted as anger and now it just keeps growing. I didn't attend his dinner but my wife went to catch up with inlaws but it seems that he's ratcheting up the bossiness again just as our mother is nearing her end and I know that if he corners me again my anger may get the better of me but in my mind giving him a good boot up the hole seems entirely justifiable. He's never expressed any remorse for his previous behaviour towards any of us or the medical staff and that terrifies me knowing our mothers time is near.

I'm middle aged, my sibling does not deserve one grain of sand from the remaining time in the hour glass of my life but I feel he deserves my boot up his hole should he do a repeat performance and at the very least he'd be in no doubt where my personal boundary is. I want to be able to grieve for my mother without having to be traumatised again by that muppet.

BTW, violence is never the answer but my head and heart is telling me he may require some firm hands-on reorientation should he start attacking people grieving.

Any thoughts or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated ?

tomwaterford

Ignore him....you've gone 7 years virtually not talking...why entertain him now as he's not changed??

You'll only have to put up with him for a week or so around when your mother dies (whenever that'll be...could hopefully be years)

lazybones32

OP - you need to forgive him. 7 years is a long time to have this inside you and it'll probably only lead to stress, anger, ulcers and high blood-pressure.
Forgiving him doesn't mean reconciling with him (that you be buddies again) and it definitely doesn't mean that he was any way right in how he's acted. It simply means you making a conscious decision to let go of the anger and any desire to punish or seek revenge on him. He will still be who he is but you won't be as annoyed by it.

You have shown more patience than I think I'd be capable of but I would let him know quite plainly, if the opportunity arises, where he stands in relation to me. I'm a firm believer in speaking these things when the mind isn't hot with emotion, so maybe think about what you'd like to say and have it ready.

I thank God that I've not experienced a similar situation.

catbear

lazybones32 wrote: »

OP - you need to forgive him. 7 years is a long time to have this inside you and it'll probably only lead to stress, anger, ulcers and high blood-pressure.

I thank God that I've not experienced a similar situation.

Thanks for the feedback.
Believe me I had forgiven him and I kept things civil afterwards but my forgiveness seems worthless to him as he's shown no remorse for his behaviour. I can only maintain the minimal familial respect and no more.

My only concern now is a repeat performance around my mother passing. Thankfully he has gone abroad again so I know I won't be ambushed by him on the street anytime soon.

He's always been a dominant character and my siblings and I have to our fault humoured him in the past. As adults we tended to stay out of eachothers business but forced back together by parental illnesses I don't think any of us were prepared for his increased strident dogmatism and unfortunately the buck stopped with me.

Having had a few days to mull things over and to let the reopened emotions of the previous times settle
again, I do feel able to fend him off should he start waging war again. I had discussed the previous episode with all my siblings and I know that they have no appetite for another such incident and will not be humouring him like in the past.

As the other poster suggested I'll simply ignore him, if he lets me.