Relative needs assisted living

Sammia

I'm hoping someone can help. I have a single relative in his early sixties who is suffering from cancer for over a year now. He was admitted to hospital last month (severely emaciated and almost died) he was living in a studio flat not big enough to swing a cat in. He had to stop working due to getting sick and is living on social benefits (so money is an issue). Anyway, he is very weak and is not able to go back to living on his own but the hospital started mentioning getting him back home once the occupational therapists have visited. He's scared to death of going home. Plus, I believe loneliness drove him to give up the fight and get into such a poor physical state in the first place. Can someone PLEASE help put me in the right direction? If money wasn't an issue the ideal situation would be for him to be in an assisted living complex. He's a great friendly and chatty person who needs to be around similar people but I have no idea where to start! All advice welcome and appreciated!

RainyDay

The hospital social worker would be your starting point, though it may be difficult to find a solution. I'd imagine they may be able to offer some supports like home help or personal assistant services to help him at home, as a first step.

Sammia

RainyDay wrote: »

The hospital social worker would be your starting point, though it may be difficult to find a solution. I'd imagine they may be able to offer some supports like home help or personal assistant services to help him at home, as a first step.

Thanks, RainyDay. We will certainly start with that (at the moment he won't let us talk to his doctors or anyone there on his behalf so there will have to be arm twisting). I guess company (which I don't think a carer can fulfil really) is the main issue. We try our best, but there's only a few of us, each with families and full time jobs. I guess I was hoping that there was some sort of shared living he'd be eligible for... I think his mental health has become as worrying a factor as his physical health

antoinolachtnai

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I hope things look up for your relative in the New Year.

There are things like that he is eligible for if he is on rent allowance. However there are problems with that option too because he would be giving up his existing flat and he will be reluctant to do this. There are also availability issues but I imagine he would be a priority case.

Services are accessed through the health system rather than the housing system so this hospital is definitely the place to start.

You should clearly and unambiguously voice your concerns to the doctor or the nurse without delay and they will do their best to follow up.

If you believe there are mental health issues you should state this clearly. They will consider carrying out a psychiatric evaluation.

Social worker is a good option if there is a good social work setup in the hospital. There isn't always.

You doctors and nurses may not be able to give you information about his condition but that does not stop them from listening to your concerns.

It helps a lot if the family are agreed on their approach.

Ken.

Sammia, Might I advise you have a word with your uncle about getting a solicitor and getting you power of attorney. That way you have more of a say in what goes on. If not you then maybe your mother or father.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/death/before_a_death/power_of_attorney.html

L1985

Where are you based?i know in our community there is a residential home with these little cottages attached that cost around the equivalent of the pension per week. Really lovely place and the person can have as little or as much interaction and help as needed. We are near waterford city thou. But other places surely have something similar. Just don't know if it would be too expensive of he isn't getting the pension yet that's all.

Mrs OBumble

Sammia wrote: »

Thanks, RainyDay. We will certainly start with that (at the moment he won't let us talk to his doctors or anyone there on his behalf so there will have to be arm twisting). .... I think his mental health has become as worrying a factor as his physical health

OP, a few thoughts for you.

Firstly, you specifically mention assisted living. This is a very intensive type of support, for people who cannot manage their own medication or daily living activities long term. It may be that you were using the phrase in a more general way - and if you were, then try not to may limit thinking.

Second - if he hasn't giving consent for hospital staff to talk to you about him, and he is mentally capable of making decisions for himself, then you need to respect that. What you can do, though, is encourage him to talk to the social workers etc about options, and also give him information about options. It may be that he's worried about well-meaning family members bullying him into a living situation that he doesn't want, because it fits their view of how people should live. (Some people who aren't single and haven't lived alone have a horror of it which single people don't share! Even the chattiest of people sometimes prefer to be able to shut the door and have space to themselves.).

That said, if you think he's not mentally capable of making decisions for himself, then you should express your concerns to the hospital staff: they may not be able to say much back to you until legal processes are done, but should listen to your concerns. Also, you need to be very clear with the hospital staff about how much support family members can provide: some families do almost everything for old/sick members (and the health system loves this because it frees up resources for other people), while for others this is simply not possible or desirable. There's no one answer, so you need to be very clear about your limits.

It may be that the doctors are assuming that the occupational therapy assessment will show that your relative isn't capable of living on his own, and that talking about it is actually the start of the process for getting him a nursing home placement, and convincing him that he needs this. There is government funding for this when it's needed, although usually a wait for places. (The fact that he was kept in hospital over Christmas makes me suspect this may be what's going on.)

Another option is hospice care, depending on the status of the cancer, and what services are available in your area.

It might be helpful for you to talk to an organisation like Age Concern: if your relative doesn't have a Power of Attorney in place, they may be able to help him choose someone for this. (It can be tricky for people who have family members, but not ones who they trust!). And they can advise you about local options.