A wildcard: is my girlfriend a lesbian

LegacyUser

We have been a couple for a long time now. She is apparently 100% straight (we are in a relationship after all!). However, I find sometimes she rolls out what I can only describe as bull**** - where she says that such-and-such a guy would be in her top 5, and it's very put on I feel. Then I'm asked what women would be in my top 5. It's a very boring conversation and I don't see the relevance. I love her, she loves me and we are attracted to one another and if we were singles these celebrities would never cross our lives.

Anyway, she is always commenting on which celebrities are lesbian. I also notice that she seems what attracted to certain women on TV. She ends up in some sort of trance looking at them and saying that whoever it is is really beautiful. Also, she seems obsessed with women's chests. It seems like if she is lesbian, she is attracted to classically beautiful women instead of the more masculine type.

I am aware that women like commenting on each other's bodies etc so there's no point pursuing that point with me!

She hasn't had too many boyfriends either. I don't think she wants or enjoys sex. She doesn't get anything from oral sex and when we do have sex she takes the lead in a dominant kind of way even if I initiate.

In many ways, although she is beautiful her behaviour belies an underlying masculinity and sometimes she puts her arm around the small of my back or puts it where I imagine a man would put around a woman.

She comes from a very conservative family on both sides and I am more of a free thinker. I know that some in her family have come out as homosexual and it's dealt with as if it is a complete let down for the family that those who come out as homosexual didn't just do what everyone else does and settle down with the opposite sex. Others in her family would strike me as waiting in the closet and not up to the process of coming out.

I would hate to end our relationship but there are times when I get the feeling it is an arrangement to keep her from doing the honest thing. Continuing the current status quo, we get married, have children and live happy (aka miserably) ever after. I love her but I think she does a lot of set things to give the impression of a happy relationship to anyone who cares or is interested.

MY QUESTIONS:
Are there any signs that I should be looking for?
Has anyone else been in the same situation as me?
What the hell should I do?

Ave Sodalis

There's every chance she could be bi. Sexuality isn't as clear cut as lesbian or straight.
What you've describe... well they don't necessarily make her a lesbian. It could just be her personality. She could just be a dominant person. She may also appreciate a goodlooking woman without being attracted to her. I know I do. Nothing you've said in your post has made me go "yup, she's definitely not straight".
Have you asked her?

eviltwin

If you're male and you've been in a long term sexual relationship it's doubtful she's a lesbian. Possibly she's bisexual but she might just be appreciative of the female form. Either way if she's with you and you trust her you shouldn't worry but ask her if you really want to know and see what she says.

LegacyUser

Something is telling me that if I asked her she would be highly offended. As I said before, she comes from a very conservative family.

She is also very prudish about sex, nakedness etc. Something I forgot to say earlier is that she is horrified if a penis or anything resembling a real or fake one is shown on TV.

Breasts or something resembling a vagina is OK though.

Dial Hard

IsSheWhatIThinkSheIs wrote:

She comes from a very conservative family on both sides and I am more of a free thinker.

Really???

Because reading so much into such inconsequential behaviour as where she puts her arm around you really doesn't scream at me that you're not conservative, sorry.

Honestly, OP, there's no universal set of behaviours that all lesbians exhibit, no more than there is for straight people, but even at that, absolutely nothing you've described in your post would even suggest that she might be gay.

woodchuck

Absolutely nothing from your post is standing out to me to indicate that she might be a lesbian.

sometimes she puts her arm around the small of my back

Really?! I do this all the time and it honestly never occurred to me that it could be considered 'lesbian behaviour'. I better be more careful in future so :rolleyes:

As for possibly finding other women attractive, it's actually extremely rare that anybody is 100% straight or gay. It's more of a spectrum really. Just because she appreciates the female form doesn't mean she's a lesbian. And even if she was bisexual, she's chosen to be in a relationship with you.

All you have to ask yourself is if you're happy in the relationship? I get the impression that you aren't, but I honestly can't figure out why. It's almost like you're trying to find a reason to get out of the relationship. Is it possible that you just have issues dating strong women? You seem to have these ideas of how men and women 'should' behave and you're unhappy that she's not living up to her genders stereotype? Does it make you feel emasculated? I'm just spit-balling ideas here btw, because as I said, I'm genuinely having trouble seeing where your issue lies.

retro:electro

Erm well I must be a lesbian so because I check out more women then I do guys! I have absolutely no sexual attraction to them though, just can appreciate a good looking woman. I don't see any distinct substance to your thoughts that she may be a lesbian.

acon2119

IsSheWhatIThinkSheIs wrote: »

We have been a couple for a long time now. She is apparently 100% straight (we are in a relationship after all!). However, I find sometimes she rolls out what I can only describe as bull**** - where she says that such-and-such a guy would be in her top 5, and it's very put on I feel. Then I'm asked what women would be in my top 5. It's a very boring conversation and I don't see the relevance. I love her, she loves me and we are attracted to one another and if we were singles these celebrities would never cross our lives.

Anyway, she is always commenting on which celebrities are lesbian. I also notice that she seems what attracted to certain women on TV. She ends up in some sort of trance looking at them and saying that whoever it is is really beautiful. Also, she seems obsessed with women's chests. It seems like if she is lesbian, she is attracted to classically beautiful women instead of the more masculine type.

I am aware that women like commenting on each other's bodies etc so there's no point pursuing that point with me!

She hasn't had too many boyfriends either. I don't think she wants or enjoys sex. She doesn't get anything from oral sex and when we do have sex she takes the lead in a dominant kind of way even if I initiate.

In many ways, although she is beautiful her behaviour belies an underlying masculinity and sometimes she puts her arm around the small of my back or puts it where I imagine a man would put around a woman.

She comes from a very conservative family on both sides and I am more of a free thinker. I know that some in her family have come out as homosexual and it's dealt with as if it is a complete let down for the family that those who come out as homosexual didn't just do what everyone else does and settle down with the opposite sex. Others in her family would strike me as waiting in the closet and not up to the process of coming out.

I would hate to end our relationship but there are times when I get the feeling it is an arrangement to keep her from doing the honest thing. Continuing the current status quo, we get married, have children and live happy (aka miserably) ever after. I love her but I think she does a lot of set things to give the impression of a happy relationship to anyone who cares or is interested.

MY QUESTIONS:
Are there any signs that I should be looking for?
Has anyone else been in the same situation as me?
What the hell should I do?

Obviously its a concern if you think your girlfriend does not enjoy sex with you, that does not bode well for the future

woodchuck

acon2119 wrote: »

Obviously its a concern if you think your girlfriend does not enjoy sex with you, that does not bode well for the future

Maybe she just enjoys being the dominant one. But if the OP has a problem with this, then sexual incompatibility is definitely an issue for them.

acon2119

I don't think she wants or enjoys sex. She doesn't get anything from oral sex


I think the sentence above is the most worrying issue, not the fact that shes dominant

PLL

I fantasise about women, stare at Margot Robbie obsessively in movies and I'm often dominant in bed and like being the big spoon. I'm very happily engaged to a man, we have a child and are trying for another.
Like another poster said, sexuality is a spectrum.

If I was single I would maybe be with women I've no idea, it doesn't worry me.

You should look at issues in your relationship rather than 'Is she a lesbian?'

Best of luck!

woodchuck

acon2119 wrote: »

I don't think she wants or enjoys sex. She doesn't get anything from oral sex


I think the sentence above is the most worrying issue, not the fact that shes dominant

Some people just don't like oral sex. The fact that she takes charge during intercourse would suggest that she does enjoy sex. Unless the OP provides more information, I'm not sure what he's basing his assumption on.

gothic_doll

The biggest sign to me that she isn't: She's sleeping with a man regularly. If she was lesbian she couldn't do that. It's 2016, if she wanted to be one she'd be alright.

Current society promotes girls admiring other women, girls send messages to girls they admire or are friends with and say they love them. It's strange to me (as another woman) but if women admire other women in a big way, it just falls into straight behaviour as far as anyone is concerned.

The only issue you might have is sex. Ask her what she likes, experiment, find out- change things.

frostyjacks

Did she make any reference to the gay marriage referendum recently? Maybe broach the subject the next time she points out a gay celebrity, say how hard it must be to live a lie etc., see how she reacts.

intheclouds

It's funny that you see yourself as a free thinker yet are locked into thought patterns about stereotypical homosexual behaviours. It's ignorant. There's no "lesbian" behaviour. Lesbians are women and exhibit the same range of behaviours that any group if women exhibit.

Stop over analysing innocent behaviours and actually communicate with your partner. If youre talking about marriage then you should be well able to speak to her about her sexuality.

And educate yourself because your thoughts in relation to homosexuality come across as extremely ignorant.

Dial Hard

frostyjacks wrote:

Did she make any reference to the gay marriage referendum recently? Maybe broach the subject the next time she points out a gay celebrity, say how hard it must be to live a lie etc., see how she reacts.

Yes, because only gay people ever make reference to or talk about the referendum.

RedorDead

OP - suggest a threesome with another female and see what her reaction is. Should tell you a lot.

eviltwin

RedorDead wrote: »

OP - suggest a threesome with another female and see what her reaction is. Should tell you a lot.

That won't tell jack. If she'd rather not have a threesome it doesn't mean she's not attracted to women, it just means she doesn't want a threesome.

The op can test her by asking all these random questions but he'd be better off just asking her outright and taking it from there

strandroad

Dial Hard wrote: »

Yes, because only gay people ever make reference to or talk about the referendum.

I think what the poster means is that it's a good starting point for a conversation about where one is on the spectrum...

LegacyUser

I didn't think so many people would say what they are saying.

FWIW, she was privately very against the referendum although I was on the Yes side, but it seemed to me like she wanted to shut down the debate. I thought at the time there was more than a whiff of homophobia but I have discovered that many homophobic people are repressed homosexuals a la **THIS ISN'T HAPPENING AND GAY PEOPLE DON'T EXIST SO THE FEELINGS I HAVE MUSTN'T MAKE ME GAY**

My gut feeling tells me that I am onto something though. Those suggesting she may be more liberal or question where she is on the scale simply don't know her.

It simply isn't an option to ask her straight out. It would leave us in a precarious position and I doubt if she would take it well.

She is very conservative as I said before.

I often get the feeling that whether her family like me or not has a greater bearing on the health of our relationship than anything that happens between us. She has an unhealthy obsession with her own family around town and I have observed before an unhealthy interest in her male cousins but more because they're such lovely guys than anything else.

It's as if she isn't physically attracted to guys but she does like decent men (like me!). And then she is physically attracted to women IMHO.

intheclouds

IsSheWhatIThinkSheIs wrote: »

It simply isn't an option to ask her straight out. It would leave us in a precarious position and I doubt if she would take it well.

This is your problem right here, nothing to do with homosexuality.

You are in a relationship where you can't or won't talk to the other person about something that is troubling you so much that you are obsessing on minor details of that persons behaviour and assigning paranoid reasons to those details.

It seems that you are in such a dysfunctional non communicative relationship that it's driving you into unhealthy paranoid thought patterns. Or you think you are in a non communicative relationship. Or you may have undiagnosed mental health issues - please don't think I'm being mean saying this but your thought patterns are disturbing to an outsider reading your posts.

It's simply bizarre that you think your long term girlfriend is a lesbian based on the reasons you have outlined.

The only solid advice I can give you is to not be in a relationship where there things you can't talk about, it's really not healthy. It's also not healthy to be obsessing over small behaviours and imagining them to mean sinister things. I wouldn't even notice small behaviour details such as you are outlining here. It's not normal.

LegacyUser

Hey bud,

just a quick response (I won't go on)...

I'm a gay guy and was dating a guy for over a year and it turned out he had a GF on the side. Now, in fairness I'd say it's VERY rare that this kinda things happen - most people are genuine and don't get involved in relationships that they don't see a future in (and this is more than likely the case here). However, it's also possible that outside of the behaviour that you have pegged as masculine or possibly lesbian, that she may well indeed be gay and fooling herself that she can play straight forever. As time is going on you might be seeing more and more hints that she might be gay...

One thing you could do (if you are really curious) is to ask her outright would she ever consider being with a woman (not for a 3some, but as a general hypothetical). See how she reacts?

Outside of that issue lays the real one: do you think she's happy in her current relationshp? Do you think that your trust might need to be discussed with her?

Thanks
Ross

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for their responses.

I am paranoid it might seem.

However, the good lady herself would also attest to my excellent gut instinct on everything, which is 100% accurate, and also ironic given that she is for once the subject of my gut instinct. My gut instinct tends to be almost prescient.

If a guy displayed all the signals she does, the thread would be taking a different path.

What I came on the forum for was some advice as to how I can catch her. Any real tick that might indicate that I am onto something.

Thanks to "word_of_advice" for the post.

If I'm honest, I suppose I want a response that chimes with my opinion - which is very weak reasoning.

The thread has meandered into territory all about me when in fact I was hoping for some advice on where to go from here.

As far as I'm concerned, lesbian life is the forbidden fruit. She mocks lesbians, then fixates on lesbians in the media and admires them from afar. From what I can tell, it chimes with her.

Something I forgot to mention. Known lesbians hit on her. They always approach her in shops. It's as if their lesbian gaydar kicks in around her. I know of gay guys that swear by their own gaydar and this fact is the one I find most disturbing amidst everything else.

intheclouds

IsSheWhatIThinkSheIs wrote: »

Something I forgot to mention. Known lesbians hit on her. They always approach her in shops. It's as if their lesbian gaydar kicks in around her. I know of gay guys that swear by their own gaydar and this fact is the one I find most disturbing amidst everything else.

Your thought processes about homosexuals grows increasingly bizarre!

Known lesbians? The mind boggles.

Again, if you want to know if your partner is a lesbian, ask her.

LegacyUser

IsSheWhatIThinkSheIs wrote: »

She mocks lesbians, then fixates on lesbians in the media and admires them from afar. From what I can tell, it chimes with her.

Something I forgot to mention. Known lesbians hit on her. They always approach her in shops. It's as if their lesbian gaydar kicks in around her. I know of gay guys that swear by their own gaydar and this fact is the one I find most disturbing amidst everything else.

So I sometimes slag off gay people.

I used to get hit on by gay lads.

I pick up on vibes coming my way / flirting. Never acted on them - never wanted to. My gaydar is pretty good for a straight guy...

I guess gayness 'chimes' with me... not sure why - people used to think I was gay because I dressed well / wasn't a manly man / was quiet (strange how people presume from such things).

My girlfriend has no worries about my sexuality.

I think you need to start your next chat with "Are you a lesbian?" and see how it goes.

woodchuck

What I came on the forum for was some advice as to how I can catch her.

If this is your mentality, I think you should just break up with her. You obviously don't trust her and trying to 'catch out' your partner just screams to me that this is an unhealthy relationship.

gothic_doll

I think I've figured out this post OP. She's perfect in every way, but you want to leave her. So you are clutching at straws for a story to tell everyone as to why you left her.

Sound about right? If she's bi what is the problem anyway? The end of the day- she's with you, and other than these straws you are clutching at, she seems to have never done anything wrong by you. What is the problem here?

IsSheWhatIThinkSheIs wrote: »

However, the good lady herself would also attest to my excellent gut instinct on everything, which is 100% accurate, and also ironic given that she is for once the subject of my gut instinct. My gut instinct tends to be almost prescient.

If your gut instinct is so great, how come you didn't clock she was a lesbian when you first got together? Gut instinct refers to an instant feeling. This post is all about long-sought-out 'clues'.

baby and crumble

As a 'known lesbian' I feel like I should chime in here.

:cool:

IsSheWhatIThinkSheIs wrote: »

If a guy displayed all the signals she does, the thread would be taking a different path.

No. If a guy displayed "all the signals" she does, people would be saying that the only way to know for sure his sexuality is to ask him.

IsSheWhatIThinkSheIs wrote: »

What I came on the forum for was some advice as to how I can catch her. Any real tick that might indicate that I am onto something.

I was going to say something really mean here but yeah, there is one way to know for sure. You walk in and find her tongue deep in ladyparts. :rolleyes: Seriously, OP, "catch her"? How about you have a conversation with her about this? It's obviously bothering you. If you can't talk to her about something like this then you guys are not in a good relationship.

IsSheWhatIThinkSheIs wrote: »

The thread has meandered into territory all about me when in fact I was hoping for some advice on where to go from here.

Well, for 99% of us, it is YOUR issue. You think your girlfriend is gay because she

is always commenting on which celebrities are lesbian.

She hasn't had too many boyfriends either.

She doesn't get anything from oral sex and when we do have sex she takes the lead in a dominant kind of way even if I initiate.

although she is beautiful her behaviour belies an underlying masculinity and sometimes she puts her arm around the small of my back or puts it where I imagine a man would put around a woman.

LOL WHAT?

IsSheWhatIThinkSheIs wrote: »

Something I forgot to mention. Known lesbians hit on her. They always approach her in shops. It's as if their lesbian gaydar kicks in around her. I know of gay guys that swear by their own gaydar and this fact is the one I find most disturbing amidst everything else.

This is just bizarre reckoning. WTF is a 'known lesbian'? Gaydar is such a goddamn myth it's unreal. Maybe- JUST MAYBE- your girlfriend is attractive to humans and humans are attracted to her. Or maybe lesbians like talking to people in shops. Should I stop doing that?

Seriously, OP. I really do try to find empathy in threads in PI, and I honestly did try to here, but you really are coming across as a guy who is unsure of his own masculinity and freaking out about his girlfriend being "masculine" and "domineering" instead of the little meek and mild lady he wants.

The ONLY person who knows your girlfriends sexuality is her, and yeah, maybe she is attracted to women. Lots of people are. But she's choosing to be with you. Unless you relax and take her word for it all, you'll end up completely pushing her away. You don't seem happy with her behaviour (around sex in particular) so maybe you're just not right for each other. If so, think about ending it, for both your sakes.

intheclouds

baby and crumble wrote: »

As a 'known lesbian'?......

Is there some list of "known lesbians"? Some registry we could consult perhaps? How does one get on such a list? Does kissing a boy once mean exemption? Or does one girl on girl kiss ensure one can be listed?

baby and crumble

intheclouds wrote: »

Is there some list of "known lesbians"? Some registry we could consult perhaps?

TBH it's highly classified. If you don't know about it, I can't tell you. It's more than my membership is worth...

Augme

I can understand why you're getting slaughtered for this, but I can also see your point. Either way I've no idea why you're dating some who doesn't want or enjoy sex unless you also don't want or enjoy it. Even if she's straight the relationship doesn't sound like it has much future.