Advice on husbands behaviour

LegacyUser

Hi guys. Im in a 7 year marriage with one 5 year old child. While I got pregnant my husband stopped being close with me, rejected any intimate contact with me. We have been trying for a baby for over a year. When baby was born I felt I had no support from him at home and our sex life never returned. Three years ago he was made redundant and have not found a job to this day. I have changed jobs twice already to be able to support us, but he made no effort to improve our situation ie didn't get driving licence, didn't take any course to improve his skills, nothing. He sits at home and plays online games for about 12-14hours per day. I pay all bills, do shopping, take child to creche he only picks him up. I have.to make sure all payment are done as he doesn't have a clue what when and how to. He tried to rekindle sex life but I hate it as I have.no feelings for him at all. I was recently diagnosed with depression to which he didn't seem to be interested in or concerned. I feel he is very comfortable with his life despite the fact I only earn enough to cover basics (mortgage, creche, bills, car loan etc) while working about 50hours per week - I don't spend.on clothing, fancy stuff or going out note than 300€ per year. I have had numerous conversations with him over past 3 years after which he seemed to react for a week or two but then.it was all going back to the same old. I want to ask.him to leave our home as I am not prepared to spend the rest of my life like this but I want him to be a dad for our son. Can anyone advise on how should I talk to.him about it? I know he will be very defensive as usually during those conversations we had earlier and I don't want to keep blaming each other for things that happened but I really can't live.like this any more. Previously he told.me he will not change. Also he has no plans for future and lives day by day while I want to have.a goal and.want to build my future myself, not waiting for what will life bring. Has anyone been in similar situation and could kindly share? Thank you in advance!

Stheno

The first thing you need to do is sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling and then take it from there.

If the house is in both your names, you can't just ask him to leave tbh.

You might need to get some legal advice as well.

worded

Consider getting professional Councelling

Google Councelling and your area

Best of luck OP

padd b1975

Why the hell are you burdening yourself with creche fees when one of you is at home all day??

Stheno

padd b1975 wrote: »

Why the hell are you burdening yourself with creche fees when one of you is at home all day??

Mod: Padd while you have a valid point your post is a little blunt. Also remember this is the Seperation forum and the op is looking for advice on how to deal with her current situation with her husband.

sconhome

Asking him to leave the home as part of a constructive conversation about what you want from your future and how you see your future currently developing may be something that works to 'shock' him into realising he his not pulling his weight.

At the same time he may be in a spiral of depression himself and denial of his own circumstances.

It is a very delicate situation both of you need help, you are strong and proactive about getting help for yourself (by helping yourself) to care for your home, work and obviously your son. He may see it as a negative, you don't need him etc fuelling depression and so on down, down, down. He could also be incredibly selfish and just be taking advantage.

For you to move this on you need to get a handle on where he is at and have him see your side too.

From my own experience, asking, listening and mirroring are the way to a constructive conversation (I didn't know at the time when it would have mattered) that will at least allow you to move things on. Can I suggest you ask him for a 'date' where you can have a chat for 40 mins. Lay out your hope & concerns, ask him to think about it and set a date within the next few days where he can reply and talk about his hopes & concerns.

Work from there rather than jumping into the separation and counselling is how I would handle it now.