strange in laws

LegacyUser

Hi,

I need some outside opinions from other parents.

Well, I don't know if this is an issue or if its a situation common in irish families (I'm not Irish), but my other half's family never visit us.

Well, he has a sibling he is close to who sometimes drops over but the others dont. Never have, in the 15 years we've been here. They don't visit each other either, even when some live 10 minutes from each other. I find it very bizarre and just weird. I'm close to my own siblings, would communicate on-line regularly and am always stressing I can't afford to fly and see them more often.

Well that's the siblings, but his parents don't visit either. They are always asking to see our children but won't come over to us, even when I have dropped the most subtle, vaguest suggestions (I don't want to offend) that it's a lot easier for two active people in their 60s with a car to drive 15 minutes than for me to pack all of the childrne including two babies in a car just for a 30 minute visit. They just won't do it. In the last 5 years I have asked 3 times for help picking up kids from school (all 3 times because of hospital appointments and no availability to take time off work and each time they refused! I was upset but eventually had to take time off losing pay and the last time my husband did so we now never ask them. I say this as they do drive up to other siblings' homes to baby sit if necessary, even doing school runs but the only times we have asked they said no.

I was very hurt, but somewhat confused because they do always ask for our children to have sleep overs and visit and the kids love going there but it all seems one-sided in that we (I should say I because my other half is always working) make the effort for the grandparent relationship but if we didn't that would be the end of it. My parents are not here anymore so I am anxious the children have their only grandparents in their lives but I just feel so tired of it.

I don't know if I'm jealous they make efforts for other grandchildren but is it because I am the daughter in law and not the actual child? They have never visited our house and I used to feel very hurt by it because they are so friendly otherwise but I don't understand this situation where i/we have to make all the effort. it's like a take it or leave it thing and I am sometimes tempted to just leave it except its not fair on the children.

thanks. any feedback appreciated

Dardania

From reading this, it does sound odd alright.

But split it into two problems:

1 They don't visit massively with their family?

2 They don't visit your house?


The first one could be just how they are...each family is different. I'm close with my family, but have friends that rarely see their family...

The second one, is there any reason for it - e.g. something you or your house. First thing I thought of was there might be pets they're allergic to?
Or do they just like the comfort of their own space (and make an exception to your, I guess, sibling in laws?)

Charles Babbage

In terms of visiting your house can you invite them to dinner for child's birthday, husband's birthday, mothers/fathers day, Easter etc?

Dardania

Charles Babbage wrote: »

In terms of visiting your house can you invite them to dinner for child's birthday, husband's birthday, mothers/fathers day, Easter etc?

Good idea, although could backfire maybe if they refuse to go?
I was thinking of writing in my original response about inviting them out to a neutral place for dinner (e.g. a restaurant) to see if the issue is not liking the house...

ellejay

I think it's a little out of the norm.

I say that because similar situation with a friend.

Basically the grandparents were of the opinion they weren't welcome in the house and the grandkids were never brought to visit, they are very stubborn and wouldn't visit. Also vice versa the parents were of the opinion that the grandparents wouldn't visit and they weren't welcome!!!

I'm in no way saying this is your situation, but the resolution might help.

Long story short, the parents went out of their way to vist the grandparents as much as possible to "prove" there's no problem. They started the conversation similar to "would you like to come over for a coffee / lunch / dinner, no? no problem! we'll come to you, what time suits"

Took about 2 months, but it was clear as day, the parents did all the running and the grandparent's were being mean.

The key was good cheer, and consistency!!!

sorry for the long post.

I wouldn't say it's all plain sailing for my friend, the grandparents are very hard work. But at least there's balance to it all now, and little more openness.

looksee

What is your husband's take on this, he must surely consider it odd that his parents have never visited your house even though you live so close? He would be the most likely to have an explanation, have you never said 'it would be nice to have your parents come over to visit' and what was his reaction?

Have you ever said 'would you come over and have a meal with us on Sunday?' Maybe they feel they need a clearcut invitation. Perhaps vague and subtle hints about their ability to drive are not picked up the same way you mean them.

Talk to your husband and let him invite them over for a specific reason - a meal for example. It cannot be that they have a problem with the house if they have never visited it.

syklops

Consider yourself lucky. There are many peopple who would love to be in your position.

I'd a friend complain to me once that I never ring him, so can I ask, do you ever visit them?

Next time one of them has a birthday why not ring them and say your kids have a present for granny or grandad and can you come round to give it to them.

If you get a warm welcome, great, if not, well then, just leave it.

listermint

Hi OP,

Some families are just like that, My sister is married to a guy and he is the most out going fella around, His 2 younger brothers also have kids are they are absolutely lovely to meet. But they just couldnt be bothered visiting , Same as his parents. Its not out of malice some people are just how they are. Tbh there is nothing much can be done about it really they appear to all enjoy their own company it seems.

dori_dormer

I would consider you lucky. Both my mother and mil insist on weekly visits. It's a Pain in the face. Our whole weekend is taken up with visiting.

On the flip side if we don't visit them, then they turn up unannounced and stay for min 4 hrs. They don't care if we have plans or kids need naps or no food in. They expect to be fed too.

So the lesser of two evils for us is to visit them and leave when we need to.

LegacyUser

Dori dormer....we had a similar problem, the expectation of weekly visits.When I returned to work, we had to nip that in the bud.My own family would have been big on weekly visits to grandparents, including a full Sunday dinner etc.We've had to start ringing them and saying 'we're not around this weekend because we're going out to do xyz on these days,, but we'll be over to see you the following Saturday at X o' clock.' After a few weeks they got the hint.We see them every second week or so, although that's not set in stone.-sometimes it is every weekend for a few weeks.You kind of have to train them into it....I figured easier to do it now than when the kids get older and the inevitable weekend activities start taking up the time anyway.

dori_dormer

Yep my husband managed to train his family but I was unsuccessful on my side!
We used to visit them in a Thursday, and would sometimes go shopping near them and drop into them. Once or twice we went on a wed, and when leaving they'd still say 'see you tomorrow!' Eh no. I think my mum still believes she owns me or something or I owe her visits.

On the flip side, we only visited my grandparents every second week. One side one Sunday, and the other side the next. And if you weren't available you just didn't go. They got over it!

LegacyUser

Hi.

Thanks for the replies. After I wrote the post I was feeling so guilty about it all. I had a bad day and got a text asking for the children at the weekend. I was very irritated.

Well I thought about it and read all the replies.

We and I individually have asked them many times over the years to come for lunch or dinner. I'm no Michelin grade but I'm not bad at cooking. I like to cook for my friends but we used to hear every excuse including my father in law only liking his wife's cooking!!?? Well anyway i stopped asking.

We have lived in thus house 15 years. At first it wasn't great we were doing room by room and also having fun travelling so it was 4 years before the house was done but they didnt come to our house warming. I was v upset that time.

I don't know, they are really nice otherwise. Really good to the children and no problem babysitting all four at one time.

I think I just have to accept they are like this. Its just hard because I'm so used to having my own relatives in my house growing up in our house

pwurple

Some siblings never call to see eachother. My husband's family is like that. My husband has never been to two of his siblings homes since they moved into them (we are talking decades), even though I've visited a few times. He just doesn't see the point unless there is an event of some kind, and none of them are the party type. His parents never leave their own house, except for doctors appointments. Everything is delivered.

I used to think it was odd, but I reckon it's just their dynamic. In my family it's the opposite. The ones that are around, we visit all the time, and the ones that are away, we skype a lot, so it's like a visit.

I will say, there is one friend who lives within driving distance who I don't visit at all, and am vaguely guilty about it. It's just because it's awkward (but not impossible) to get there. 15 mins out of my way off down a narrow boreen which has massive potholes. I always find a reason not to go. :eek:

Is there any physical reason it's slightly awkward to get to you... or is there something they don't like about your place, like a pet or a slope to the house. People are lazy buggers sometimes (me included!)

Elemonator

My friend has a lot family in my town and surrounding areas, all very close by. Yet when they pass each other on the street or in the pub, they barely acknowledge one another. It's the same in my family, I have cousins close by I haven't seen in 5-6 years. And my parents siblings never really invite my parents off either. I guess just some families are different.

syklops

I used to have cousins who would drop in whenever they wanted. I always thought it was so inconsiderate. Its saturday(or whenever), I had stuff to do. Instead I have to entertain you now.

Now I live in an apartment building and if someone wants me but doesnt ring me first, then tough. I dont answer the buzzer for unsolicited calls.

Are the your husbands siblings female? The ones they babysit for? I've noticed that a lot in Ireland, that the daughters children are seen as closer than the sons, not in a bad way as such, not that grandparents don't love their sons children, just daughters kids seem a bit closer.

And most people of your in laws age, have lived in the same house that they reared their family in. This is ' home' most people when they move out spend time staying/ visiting ' home' its a habit I think. But I'm sure the grandparents in these cases are just used to people coming ' home ' to visit them.

Not that I'm saying this is true in your case, just something I have noticed.

mitresize5

I've a different outlook on this altogether ..............

We visit my wifes father who is an hours drive away every Sunday for the full afternoon.

He has done his time (and my deceased MIL), they raised 4 good kids through good times and bad, worked hard, went without themselves and sent the four of them through university.

He comes the other way twice a year for birthdays, but do you know what, he's earned it, he wont be around forever and he loves when we rock up, its the highlight of his week and while it can be a major inconvenience for us sometimes its payback time now.

tickingclock

mitresize5 wrote: »

I've a different outlook on this altogether ..............

We visit my wifes father who is an hours drive away every Sunday for the full afternoon.

He has done his time (and my deceased MIL), they raised 4 good kids through good times and bad, worked hard, went without themselves and sent the four of them through university.

He comes the other way twice a year for birthdays, but do you know what, he's earned it, he wont be around forever and he loves when we rock up, its the highlight of his week and while it can be a major inconvenience for us sometimes its payback time now.

That's lovely and written with such respect. I agree with you. We call to our in laws twice a week any my own family the same. I enjoy the visits to family and also enjoy when family call over.

dori_dormer

I suppose it depends on the family! I love being with my family. But the demand to be there at a certain time for at least 3 hrs every single week is very draining. There is no flexibility. We are not allowed call in randomly during the week. It feels like a control thing.

With my husbands family it was also about control. Also they never actually spend any real time with us either. They divide us up. My husband is called off to fix whatever electronic item they have broken that week and I am left in the sitting room, a lot of times alone, while coronation street or some other crap is blaring in the background which I am not allowed turn off. It's not exactly quality time.

We've tried inviting them places where we actually do somethign but they are not interested.

Sunny Dayz

I think it does depend on families. My family wouldn't call to my house that often even though they only live 10/15 mins away. But I call over twice a week to collect my son (mam minds him after school), my husband collects him on the other days and we sometimes go over for Sunday dinner. So I guess my family see enough of us as it is without having to call over to see us!


My husbands family all live spread around the country, being anything from 1-3.5/4 hours drive away from us. His parents live quite far away and might call to stay with us once a year or 2 years. It's just a long journey for them now at this stage and it's much easier for us to pop up to them for a weekend.

piperh

It may just be there way but something you said its usually you because your husband works alot. While they are friendly they might not be comfortable in your house without him there. If it is a generally good relationship ask them or if you get on with his siblings mention it to them, don't be accusing just say you are worried something is wrong and would like to put it right for all concerned.

kitten_k

I have lived in my house for nearly 6 years and I can count on my hand the number of times my parents / siblings have visited. But that is just the way we are, we still see each other regularly. It's not that my folks don't just visit me, they don't visit my siblings either. We all go to visit my folks when we want to see them but we have no problem with that.

nikkibikki

Similar situation here OP only my in laws won't babysit. My MIL might pick up our 7 yr old from school on a rare occasion and he has slept over there once but such a song and dance gets made about it we don't ask unless we are really stuck. We asked her to mind him after school a day or 2 a week when he started school. We would have paid her and thought she'd love the time with him but she said no. My in laws live 5mins away and my parents live 5 hours away. My family wouldn't leave it longer than 3weeks without visiting. They are at their happiest minding my 3kids plus my sisters 3 kids. Last time my FIL was here was probably 5 years ago. MIL was here for our youngest sons birthday over 6months ago. My BIL who lives 2hours away has been here more often than my BIL who lives 5mins away. It used to make me mad but not so much now. Only when a comment is made like we didn't see ye at the weekend. I do my best to hold my tongue and am getting better at that! It annoys both my husband and I and my husband has been hurt by the actions of some of his family in this regard but it's just pure laziness and thoughtlessness and isn't anything personal.