The Hype Machine™

JaMarcusHustle

With the January transfer window being open for 2 weeks at this stage, and a startling lack of activity to report on so far, it's become apparent more than ever that clubs are struggling to identify talent to swoop for.

So, with this in mind (and 3 days worth of bedridden sick leave at it's side), I have put together a talent identification program that I aim to sell to clubs called The Hype Machine™ - Pro Scouting Edition.

Obviously this is potentially a multi-million euro piece of software we're talking about here, so to avoid giving too many details on it I have put together a Consumer/Retail version to accompany it's release.

How does The Hype Machine™ work? It's actually pretty easy. It all boils down to one, simple formula.

( (A * 1.75) + (B * 2.66) + (C * 1.33) + (D * 2) + (E * 2) + (F * 1.25) + G ) * H

"But JaMarcus..." I hear you cry - "That's not pretty easy at all! What does it all mean?"

Well, let me elaborate. Each letter in the above formula represents a Component. Each Component is made up of an important aspect of a prospect that is given a numerical value. For example, let's pretend the formula was a simple (A * 2) + (B * 3), with A representing a players shooting ability out of 10, and B representing a players composure out of 10. And let's give our fictional player a shooting value of 7, and a composure value of 8. Thus, his score is (7 * 2) + (8 * 3) = 38.

So now back to our formula:

( (A * 1.75) + (B * 2.66) + (C * 1.33) + (D * 2) + (E * 2) + (F * 1.25) + G ) * H

It's important to note the maximum score available here is 100. Thus, a player who scores 100/100 is a once in a generation prospect. But to determine that score, we first need to look at our components. What value do we sub in for A in the above formula? And what about B? And C, D, E, etc. ? Well, The Hype Machine™ breaks these down in a simple, internet-friendly equation. Because we know what REALLY matters to football fans online.

Pudsy33

This Is amazing.....

GavRedKing

I wish to subscribe to your newsletter........

Pudsy33

I dont have football manager, is here anywhere to find that info? I'd like to apply the hype machine...

monkey9

When we finish this thread, do we all get an honours degree?

GreNoLi

I wish you nothing but ill health in the future because this is hilarious, especially love that Zanetti has the least 'twat like' haircut and the 'dynamic and volatile complexion' omission.

HalloweenJack

Tbf, I did laugh at the mitch connor dig.

4/10

Flint Fredstone

This is brilliant and all, one of the greatest posts I've seen on the site but let me see some examples.

Kerrigooney

That's a fantastic piece of work. I tip my hat to you. *Tips hat*

bucketybuck

Seems like a lot of effort put into a joke that isn't half as funny as you wish it was. Each to their own I guess.

Flint Fredstone

bucketybuck wrote: »

Seems like a lot of effort put into a joke that isn't half as funny as you wish it was. Each to their own I guess.

Well I am shocked that you didn't find it funny. I mean, for such a positive, happy go lucky fella like yourself it's really hard to fathom.

JaMarcusHustle

bucketybuck wrote: »

Seems like a lot of effort put into a joke that isn't half as funny as you wish it was. Each to their own I guess.

Thankfully, I couldn't give a fucketyfuck

bucketybuck

Flint Fredstone wrote: »

Well I am shocked that you didn't find it funny. I mean, for such a positive, happy go lucky fella like yourself it's really hard to fathom.

Whereas your comment doesn't shock me in the slightest.

bucketybuck

JaMarcusHustle wrote: »

Thankfully, I couldn't give a fucketyfuck

Good for you.

Flint Fredstone

bucketybuck wrote: »

Whereas your comment doesn't shock me in the slightest.

BOHtox

Jaysus lads if you don't find it funny just close the thread. No need to clog it up with that shíte. I'd advise you not to visit the humour thread or the Cool Vids and Links forum too.

I like it. Lot of effort went in too. Well done, bud

Oat23

You could have got the basics of a new language down after 3 days in bed, but this is much better.

Neil3030

Wonderful post.

I am available for consultancy work when Real Madrid hire you.

Harry Palmr

Didn't Liverpool hire this fella - Jen Chang is that you? :pac:

FutureGuy

What a great post :-D A "would like it twice if I could" post.

dreamers75

Actually very good.

RayCon

JaMarcusHustle-a-nomics. Nicely done

hullaballoo

The Messi-McShane Pigment!

Brilliant.

Arghus

Great post.

People hating on it are just being daft.

Thecon21

Great post

People slating it need to cheer up, jeez..

JaMarcus > MoneyBall

JaMarcusHustle

JaMarcusHustle wrote: »

Thankfully, I couldn't give a fucketyfuck

2x Excellent posts

Unearthly

Seems like the admins didn't like it though

whiskeyman

This is one of the best things I've seen in the soccer forum!!
You need a column in a top paper my boy!

Panthro

The hype machine, Sounds like a nickname for a wrestler!

kfallon

Post of the year for 2016 is sewn up already!!!

Brilliant stuff there, take a bow

Mars Bar

Unearthly wrote: »

Seems like the admins didn't like it though

This wasn't the reason.

dfx-

I feel this is heavily weighted towards attackers in the Retail Edition, especially the optimum being Latin American/Southern Europe.

Pepe would score highly and he's not good. I wonder if the Pro Scouting Edition has a specialised goalkeeper/defender extension.

GavRedKing

dfx- wrote: »

I feel this is heavily weighted towards attackers in the Retail Edition, especially the optimum being Latin American/Southern Europe.

Pepe would score highly and he's not good. I wonder if the Pro Scouting Edition has a specialised goalkeeper/defender extension.

Probably a seperate DLC to shaft ya of a few more €€€€€€