Keep going or end it

Chocolate Kimberly

Last July I met someone and we clicked straight away. It felt so easy from the start we just got on so well. I fell for him really quickly. He said he loved me within a few weeks. After a couple of months he was talking about a future together and of us and my child being a family. They met a few times and got on well. I was never so happy. That's when things fell apart. The better our relationship got the more scared and sad I seemed to be when we weren't together. I never let him see it though. I suffer with depression and it really kicked in at this point but he said it didn't change anything and he'd be there for me. Around the same time he seemed to have doubts. He started to say he needed space and wanted time alone, but when I gave it to him he'd text me wanting to know why I was ignoring him. He'd say he wanted to break up and then change his mind. He went backwards and forwards like this for over a month not knowing if he wanted to be with me and then wanting a future and talking about marriage. My family were worried he was trying to find my breaking point.

My depression got really bad at the end of last year and I ended up attempting suicide by taking an overdose. I made another suicide attempt the following week. At the time he was texting me and I told him what I was doing. He texted me to say not to do it that he needed me. I asked him to come and stay with me but he didn't. I spent two weeks in a psychiatric unit for my depression and suicidal thoughts and plans. He didn't visit. I told him by text that I understood if this was all too much and if he wanted to break up I wouldn't hold it against him but he wouldn't have it. He kept saying he wanted us to be together but he wouldn't come to see me in the hospital. He then went back to not knowing what he wanted and needing space and giving out to me for "not fighting for us" when he would break up with me. This was all by text - he would never answer the phone when I rang. It carried on like this for four months. I didn't see him once in all that time despite me asking to meet. My family were blue in the face telling me to break up with him, I even tried a couple of times but he talked be round telling me he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. It was very confusing.

At Christmas he said he wanted us to start over and that he had been an idiot. I agreed to try again but he cancelled any time we arranged to meet up. Since Christmas I've only seen him twice - he's always too tired or was sick. But he still says he wants to spend our lives together and he wants us to go away for a couple of days at Easter.

I don't know where I am with all this. I'm only just starting to recover from the depression - I'm seeing a psychiatrist regularly and am going to counselling over stuff from my past which is really tough going. On the one hand I do want to be with him - I love him. When we're together we get on brilliantly. He's a really kind and gentle guy. But on the other I don't know if I can go through it all again. I know if I end it once and for all it's going to hurt like hell but I don't know if I can believe him when he says he's made up his mind for good. My family don't know we're still together, except for my mother and she's not happy about it. She told me not to tell anyone else for now because they'll only give me grief over it. Any advice would be appreciated.

rebelpixie

End it....he's wrecking your head. If he loved you he wouldn't treat you like that. You deserve way better. Remember actions speak louder than words. He says he wants to be with you...what has he actually done? He didn't even come to see you in hospital. What do you know about him? Are you sure he's single? Focus on yourself and look after yourself.
Ask yourself....
Are you happy?

via4

Sorry to hear about your situation. Being with a guy who doesn't know what he wants can be pointless as you never know where you stand with them. Talk is cheap. If he says one thing but does the opposite and cannot support you when you clearly needed it I think you should let him go. Good luck on your recovery.

Mr. Incognito

Guys that come promising the moon and stars are flakes.

He wasnt there when you needed him. Cut this toxic guy from your life.

There are guys out there who wont promise anything but will be there when you need them

fineso.mom

OP ,you say when you're together you get on brilliantly , but youve only seen him twice since Christmas and not at all for four months before that? And then you say he is kind and gentle? Im sorry but he is neither. A kind person would not have left you alone when you needed them and a gentle person would not accuse you of 'not fighting for him' when he broke up with you.
He sounds like the worst possible type of person to have in your life. You've made two suicide attempts and he didn't come near you. That is unforgivable. You have family who care about you ,please finish with this man and continue to take care of yourself and be well again. You deserve so much better.

Rhea Rose

I've met this guy in a million different guys, and they rarely change. You deserve much better than this OP. It sounds like you've been through the wringer emotionally and you need good people around you now. This guy isn't going to help you, he's only going to cause you more and more stress.

Cut him loose and move on with your life. You're clearly a very strong person to have gone through all of this and come out the other side, don't let him ruin that now. I really wish you the very best with your recovery.

PressRun

I think you need to end this. He's a head-wrecker and seems rather selfish. He wasn't there when you were going through an extremely tough time and seems to think everything's about him. He's promising you the world, but not actually doing anything to back it up.

I think you need to take some time to focus on your mental health, first and foremost, and I don't think having this guy, and all the drama he seems intent on bringing, in your life is conducive to a healthy state of mind.

LegacyUser

OH MY GOD OP!! After everything you've been through he didn't even care enough to visit you in hospital! He wants you to look after him, but he won't look after you , he sounds like a little child, which can be charming to us women at the start, but you need someone who is as mature as you so that it can be an equal relationship. This person only cares about himself, and sees you as the one who should do all the running. Also, don't think that because this one person doesn't care and lied that that means that you are not worth loving, its just that this one person does not know how to love. You do, and that means that when you find mutual love you will recognize it, with no doubting or wondering.

Chocolate Kimberly

Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure how to do the quote thing, but I'm sure he's single. I know he's been wrecking my head but making the decision to break up is hard. I keep making it and then a text comes in from him and I change my mind. I think I'm hanging on to the hope that he'll live up to all the promises he made me even though he's already broken a lot of them.

I was sort of hoping that someone would say to give him a break that I was expecting too much to want him to be there for me when I was such a mess, but you've all said pretty much the same as my family and friends. They've never even met him and they already can't stand him. Ive been told that my self esteem is so low that I don't expect to be treated any better and so I put up with it.

pgj2015

Chocolate Kimberly wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure how to do the quote thing, but I'm sure he's single. I know he's been wrecking my head but making the decision to break up is hard. I keep making it and then a text comes in from him and I change my mind. I think I'm hanging on to the hope that he'll live up to all the promises he made me even though he's already broken a lot of them.

I was sort of hoping that someone would say to give him a break that I was expecting too much to want him to be there for me when I was such a mess, but you've all said pretty much the same as my family and friends. They've never even met him and they already can't stand him. Ive been told that my self esteem is so low that I don't expect to be treated any better and so I put up with it.

I would liken your situation to one where you have a sick dog, who you have had for years, now the dog is old and in pain, you do not want to put your dog down but you are told it will be in his best interest. This "relationship" is a dying dog op, you should put it to sleep. This guy is not a nice guy, in fact he seems to be far from it. you will find someone who will treat you a lot better.:)

rainbowtrout

Chocolate Kimberly wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure how to do the quote thing, but I'm sure he's single. I know he's been wrecking my head but making the decision to break up is hard. I keep making it and then a text comes in from him and I change my mind. I think I'm hanging on to the hope that he'll live up to all the promises he made me even though he's already broken a lot of them.

I was sort of hoping that someone would say to give him a break that I was expecting too much to want him to be there for me when I was such a mess, but you've all said pretty much the same as my family and friends. They've never even met him and they already can't stand him. Ive been told that my self esteem is so low that I don't expect to be treated any better and so I put up with it.

Then it's time to block his number. He sends you texts to keep you hooked but makes no effort to be with you or support you. That's not being kind or gentle pr loving. Cut contact, and look after yourself and your child. He will never change.

meeeeh

I will approach this from a different angle. I know people who were affected by suicide of loved one, one was contacted by the ex partner threatening that he will kill himself if she doesn't get back with him. She said no and he followed trough. I don't believe this happened in your case but no partner, especially one of a few months, would want to deal with horror that is suicide. If he was the best boyfriend in the world (and he seems exactly the opposite) attempted suicides would be hard going. At the moment you should not be in a relationship, you first have to get yourself better. Your bf is either complete psychopath or someone who is afraid to tell you it's over because you might attempt suicide again but it doesn't really matter. You shouldn't be with him for your sake and his sake.

I wrote my post a few times and deleted it because it is harsh but it is well intended. I really think you shouldn't be in this or any other relationship until you are properly better. You seem to have supportive family try to lean on them for a while and good luck.

Chocolate Kimberly

pgj2015 wrote: »

This "relationship" is a dying dog op, you should put it to sleep.

I think you're right. At least I think that I care about him a lot more than he cares for me. He cancelled on me again last night because he was tired. I was exhausted after a tough day in work but I still wanted to see him. I was supposed to start a support group last night but put it off till next week because I was looking forward to going out with him.

meeeeh wrote: »

one was contacted by the ex partner threatening that he will kill himself if she doesn't get back with him. She said no and he followed trough. I don't believe this happened in your case but no partner, especially one of a few months, would want to deal with horror that is suicide.

I told him that he and everyone else would be better off without me. I believed it too. I know I was a horror mostly for my family to deal with but I tried to end it with him a couple of times and he always talked me round. One of the times he broke up with me by text was when I was in the hospital. I was asking him to visit. I told him that I had talked to a counsellor about us and he said that doing that was a betrayal to him and that it was over. But then he changed his mind again.

Every time I talk about him now my mood drops. My mother always knows when he texts because she says I go down when he's been on to me. I just hope I can find the strength to end it even though it's really going to hurt.

njs030

Op you keep saying how hard it is to end it but from your posts it doesn't sound like there is anything to end - except in your own head.

This person hasn't bothered to see you and spend time with you since Christmas. He didn't come to visit you any time you asked and quite clearly doesn't want to see you now. There's really no excuse! At best he's confused and at worst he's doing it deliberately.

Please do yourself a favour and walk away, it's hard but not as hard as you are making it. Just send a text telling him you've had enough and not to contact you. And then block him on everything and spend time fixing yourself.

Chocolate Kimberly

notjustsweet wrote: »

Just send a text telling him you've had enough and not to contact you.

Done

njs030

Chocolate Kimberly wrote: »

Done

Well done!!! Now block him on everything!!

You should be so proud of yourself, you're so strong and you will meet someone who will treat you the right way!

Shrap

Only read this thread now and I'm rooting for you to stay strong and don't let him back in your head. Your family were totally right about thinking he was trying to find your breaking point.....what an absolute pr*ck he's been to you This part below shows only a tiny bit of the mind-games and controlling behaviour he's been using against you, but you should remember it EVERY time you think about him.

Chocolate Kimberly wrote: »

I told him that I had talked to a counsellor about us and he said that doing that was a betrayal to him and that it was over. But then he changed his mind again.

If you start to waver even a little bit and start not trusting yourself again that you've done the right thing by ending it, just remember he's the pr*ck who's been using you for a power trip. There is no other excuse for that kind of behaviour OP - he's been playing you, no matter how much he denied it.

Chocolate Kimberly

Shrap wrote: »

There is no other excuse for that kind of behaviour OP - he's been playing you, no matter how much he denied it.

He really didn't seem like the type I suppose I'm not as good a judge of character as I thought. I'm not able to block his texts on my phone it doesn't do that so on Saturday I got a load of texts saying thanks for dumping him and how I'd hurt him. He was promising all sorts again. I just said that he was always promising stuff and it never happened. Hopefully he'll get fed up of it and leave me in peace soon.

PressRun

Don't even respond to his texts. He's not going to get fed up if you keep giving him a reason to believe that you're actually listening to him. If you ignore the texts, there's nothing for him to latch onto. Every time you respond, even if you think you're putting him in his place, all you're doing is saying "I've heard what you've said and I think it's worth replying to". That's enough of a signal to him to keep prodding and keep the contact up.

Shrap

Chocolate Kimberly wrote: »

He really didn't seem like the type I suppose I'm not as good a judge of character as I thought. I'm not able to block his texts on my phone it doesn't do that so on Saturday I got a load of texts saying thanks for dumping him and how I'd hurt him. He was promising all sorts again. I just said that he was always promising stuff and it never happened. Hopefully he'll get fed up of it and leave me in peace soon.

Not always easy to spot someone as selfish as he sounds. Nearly sure you can block numbers on any phone though OP, but either way, don't ever forget that he knows you've been very fragile and are still very vulnerable. It says a lot about him (again) that he's bombarding you with emotional blackmail right now. Stay strong. You don't have to read his texts at all, you don't have to answer his calls and you certainly shouldn't text back now you've said your piece. Only a freaky manipulator would carry on harassing you at this point.

Oh, and don't answer any numbers you don't know for a while either, eh?!

Chocolate Kimberly

Thanks for all the advice. He texted today and told me that I keep hurting him by trying to break up with him and what I'm doing is not fair on him. Basically he's saying that everything is my fault. I don't have the strength to deal with him anymore. Before Christmas it got so bad my brother wanted to go and have a chat with him - I had to stop him so I can't let it get that way again for my family's sake. I've marked his number as spam so I don't have to see his texts all the time and I won't look in the spam for a while anyway. Hopefully that's all the ways he can contact me cut off.

Conor Bourke

Chocolate Kimberly wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. He texted today and told me that I keep hurting him by trying to break up with him and what I'm doing is not fair on him. Basically he's saying that everything is my fault. I don't have the strength to deal with him anymore. Before Christmas it got so bad my brother wanted to go and have a chat with him - I had to stop him so I can't let it get that way again for my family's sake. I've marked his number as spam so I don't have to see his texts all the time and I won't look in the spam for a while anyway. Hopefully that's all the ways he can contact me cut off.

Why not just block him? Are you still holding out hope that this can be fixed, that he'll change? If you're not fully committed to taking responsibility for freeing yourself from him, this will just drag on and on. You have a choice here. You are not powerless against him. Take back the control if that is what you want.

Shrap

Loop Zoop wrote: »

Why not just block him?

She says her phone can't block numbers (post #18), but I'm pretty sure they all can? Think she's done the next best thing by sending the texts to spam though.

Chocolate Kimberly

Loop Zoop wrote: »

Why not just block him? Are you still holding out hope that this can be fixed, that he'll change? .

No I know he won't change. I can't find a way to block texts. I'm not the most tech savvy person. It's a Samsung galaxy a3 it probably does I just can't find it

Dee01

Chocolate Kimberly wrote: »

No I know he won't change. I can't find a way to block texts. I'm not the most tech savvy person. It's a Samsung galaxy a3 it probably does I just can't find it

Hi op,

I agree with all that has been posted. If you google how to block a number, it will show you in steps. There is a call reject option in the call settings. Do block him because your head won't manage all this emotion so soon after such a hard time. Your counsellor is there to listen to everything. don't edit anything you say to them. Good luck op an I hope you stay strong.

Akrasia

Chocolate Kimberly wrote: »

No I know he won't change. I can't find a way to block texts. I'm not the most tech savvy person. It's a Samsung galaxy a3 it probably does I just can't find it

To block a number which is saved in your address book, go to your "contacts" page and find the contact whose number you wish to block; tap and hold on their name. In the menu that pops up, select “add to reject list”.
https://www.androidpit.com/block-number-galaxy-s3

It's not a good choice of words to call it a reject list (or maybe it is) but that's how to block his number.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope the next time you enter a relationship that it's with someone more deserving of your affection and trust.

Chocolate Kimberly

Thanks. I found the auto reject so now I have him blocked. To be honest it feels like a bit of a relief - hope that lasts. At least I can try and put it behind me. Thanks again

Ursus Horribilis

OP, since this man came into your life, a lot of things have gone downhill in your life. Whatever it is about him, he had a catastrophic effect on your mental health. You only met him in July. Within 5 months you had suffered severe depression, attempted suicide twice and been admitted to a psychiatric unit. A relationship should make you feel happy and secure, not fry your head and make you so ill.

In a lot of ways, the early days of your relationship are depressingly familiar. I've read the same story here quite a few times. Girl meets boy. Boy declares undying love, starts talking about the future, moving in together and babies and the like within a few short weeks. Then things go downhill, usually as a result of boy blowing hot and cold and generally acting the maggot. Sometimes there's an element of dysfunction to the relationship. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

It's so unfortunate you fell for someone like this. He's a messer and that's putting it kindly. As you've observed, it's all about him. These sorts of self-centred people are never going to change their ways. He has shown again and again that he's unreliable and is not a person you can turn to. I hope you blocking his number means you'll not be hearing from him again. I hope you get well and come to clap yourself on the back for your bravery today.

Chocolate Kimberly

Odus fell down wrote: »

Whatever it is about him, he had a catastrophic effect on your mental health. You only met him in July. Within 5 months you had suffered severe depression, attempted suicide twice and been admitted to a psychiatric unit.

I can't blame him completely. I've suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was in my teens and it had been coming and going for most of last year but his messing didn't help and the upset of it probably did make things worse. I did go down to my lowest point of my life while I was with him and it was like he didn't really get it or maybe it was just that he didn't care I don't know. Either way being with him at that time I felt more alone than I ever have. Anyway it still hurts but hopefully things will get better now I don't have to worry about him anymore.

LegacyUser

Well done OP, you are taking responsibility and also taking back the power over your own life, it is always easier to do the wrong thing than the right, relationships are supposed to be life giving. This type can be very manipulative and cunning so that is why smart and intelligent women can easily fall for them, it will take time to get him out of your head, you deserve the best, you will get stronger in time, he has no choice now but to back off, be very kind to yourself and well done again for taking better care of you X