How Do You Cope

LegacyUser

Hi All,

So my story is....lost my lovely Mam in November after a long illness, it was a peaceful passing and I'm relieved she's no longer in pain this doesn't stop me missing her desperately tho.

I dont think I've actually started to process losing her until now and as a result my relationship has broken down mostly because I was looking for constant reassurance because I didn't think I could take another loss.

So now I'm trying to deal with losing my Mam and my partner, two of the most important people in the world to me. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone has had any experience of this and if so how did you cope cos right now I feel like I'm sinking!

Danjamin1

Hi Anon,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, it's a tough time in your life right now and it's not easy to deal with.

I was in a somewhat similar position, I lost my mother & father 10 & 8 years ago respectively. I put a brave face on but I can honestly say I've only really come to terms with it all in the last year. Other than that I pretended everything was fine, got on with it and tried to forget it happened. It catches up with you eventually though.

What got me through it & helped me deal with it all recently has been psychoanalysis. I went to a counsellor shortly after losing my dad and was told I seem fine after two sessions. Not very helpful. However two years ago I undertook a course of psychoanalysis which lasted a year for me, it was the best thing I ever did. Took me ages to open up but once I did I really started dealing with some of my issues. I needed that crutch to help me understand my feelings.

Unfortunately I can't say I've been in the same position as you are now, but I really found talking openly to this person helped me cope and deal with feelings I didn't understand or know how to process.

Hope this is helpful in some way, best of luck OP.

jno547

I'm very sorry for your loss,it can be a very tough time to get through. I lost my mother almost 3 years ago and for the couple of weeks afterwards everything is still a bit of a blur but you do get through it.
I found that talking to people,friends,family and anyone who knew her really helped me to come to terms with it all and I suppose instead of mourning the loss I ended up celebrating her life which was full and happy,there will always be moments that will bring sadness but this is only natural and healthy and I always still share these moments and thoughts with a family member or friend.
Someone said to me that you never get over a loss but you do come to terms with it,and what helped me was time and expression of feelings.

DeltaWhite

Hi OP


I am truly sorry for your loss and the journey you are about to embark on, which can be tremendously lonely at times and heart wrenching.

I went through almost identical situation. My Mam died very suddenly in Oct 14 and it's only now I have processed her death and started the monumental task of accepting it. My own relationship broke down because I could not deal with being with a man who was not there for me at all throughout her death. In fact, he made the whole bereavement worse, made me become a shell of who I was but I can safely say that I pulled strength from inside that I wasn't even aware of, and I changed my entire life. In one year.

I went to counselling very soon after my Mam died, and although it wasn't bereavement counselling (which is what you should do, it's seriously beneficial) she was able to help me identify and fix all the things I was miserable about in my life, which were made worse by my Mams death.

I broke up with my bf of 5 years, got a dream job, stopped smoking and drinking, cut toxic/negative people out of my life, joined a gym and a running group and I'm a different person now. I still miss my Mam more than I will ever be able to put into words and I am going to have to go back to bereavement counselling because I still have horrific flashbacks of the day she died. However, I truly believe, if I had not gone to that life counselling and changed all the above, I probably would have been suicidal. I was so low a year a go it honestly scares me when I think back to how I was not coping. My advice is to look up some bereavement counselling.

If you dont gel with a counsellor, dont give up - find another one until you are happy. It really will change your life. It wont bring your dear Mam back, but it will help you deal with the massive loss. It is true when they say, it's a hole in your heart that will never heal when you lose your Mam. I am proof that it does get easier. I wish you the very best OP. You are on a difficult path, but you will get through it just like I did.

LegacyUser

Op here, thanks so much for your replies. I'm feeling better this week. I have been to a couple of sessions with a counsellor who is definitely helping. She made me realise that the relationship wasnt right for me and ultimately this is what is best for me even though it didn't feel like it at the time.

With regards to losing my Mam, I know that it will be a very long time before I even start to come to terms with that and I'll miss her till the day I die myself but I know she would want me to be happy so I'm going to do my very best to do that for her.

Danjamin1

Glad to hear things are going well OP, it's a tough time in your life so it's great to hear you're coping well!

PTH2009

sorry to hear about ur loss

i lost my mam in jan 2014 and not coping too well tbh.

I have not had the courage to get find a girlfriend, had fights with family and friends, drank way too much.

I really thought that if my mam passed away id find a girlfriend, good job etc but no. People started rumours about me, lost friends etc.

all i want is a girlfriend, good life, i deserve it (from jan 2014-mar 2015 i lost my mam, 2x nannys and uncle), ive never done anything wrong (lied about that got drunk a few times but thats not a sin).

<SNIP>

U ONLY LIVE ONCE, GRAB IT AND MAKE THE BEST OF IT. MY WHOLE BELIEVE IN GOD HAS DISOLVED (THERE ARE DRUG DEALERS/MURDERS GOING AROUND WHILE MY LOVED ONES ARE GONE, I DONT ROB HOUSES, THREATHEN PEOPLE ETC AND MY LIFE IS ****)

Best of luck