No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

Sam Kade

peteb2 wrote: »

No. But I only spend as much as I have or choose to. If I don't want to spend the money I don't go. Simple.

But it isn't free then.

amdublin

c montgomery wrote: »

Not inviting nephews and nieces is pretty cold in my opinion.
After my own kids when my nephews were born were some of the happiest days of my life, couldn't imagine them not being part of big family days.
Kids of my friends would be omitted however.

Yeah for me there are some big family days that are great for the kids - the lovely summer afternoon parties. Or even the day part of a wedding. And then there are the big family nights that are not appropriate for children - the 40th birthday parties, the wedding nights where everyone is partying and drinking (as they are entitled to!)


You wouldn't bring a child into a hen party in a pub, why bring to a wedding party in a hotel?

Ps. I think it is "cold" or selfish and irresponsible to squeeze children into adult events. Would you bring your child to an engagement party in a pub? (you actually are not allowed to by law - and it's for good reason)

theoldbreed

c montgomery wrote:

Not inviting nephews and nieces is pretty cold in my opinion. After my own kids when my nephews were born were some of the happiest days of my life, couldn't imagine them not being part of big family days. Kids of my friends would be omitted however.

I can assure you we are anything but cold. Everyone's family dynamic is different, I would be slow to make assumptions. I am closer to some friend's kids tbh for various reasons. They aren't invited either.

hairyslug

Your wedding, your choice. Enjoy the day

How some people can't differentiate between your ohs child (and friend to keep them company) and other children/teens is mind boggling.

There will be drink, there will be drunk people, not an ideal place to have children.

And at the kids bedtime, what's the plan, child goes up to bed and parents go back down to the party?

Anyway, enjoy the day

Neyite

The first family wedding is coming up this year since I had my son. Normally we'd leave him with a sitter but as its a family wedding where all the niblings of the bride and groom are going, he'll have to come too. For the photos and so on.

But its hours away, so its not like I can have my mother on hand to pick him up after dinner and bring him home. It means hiring a hotel babysitter for the evening part, and he's a bit funny with strangers. At the wedding itself, he's still a bit too young to let him off to roam unsupervised for any length of time like you might with a 9 year old. And his cousins are not quite old enough to keep an eye on him either.

As its the partner's family and he's part of the bridal party, I'll be on 'duty' until bedtime. That means being eagle eyed that there are no chocolate hand-prints on my outfit, trying to keep him quiet during the mass, trying to get him to sit still during dinner, trying to keep him quiet during the speeches. Having a massive handbag full of toys to keep him occupied. As its in a historical building, I have the added hassle of making sure he doesn't wreck anything. I have nightmares of him scribbling on expensive wallpaper with his crayons the second my back is turned

He probably will be grand and I'm overthinking it, but I'd much rather enjoy the day with a drink in my hand where I don't have to leg it in heels after a toddler who wants to explore.

But if you wade into the argument between brothers now, you will be forever remembered for That Time You Didnt Let Your Niece Attend. Leave them to fight it out. It was a decision your husband to be made along with you and he can defend it to his family.

Pawwed Rig

amdublin wrote: »

. I think it is "cold" or selfish and irresponsible to squeeze children into adult events. Would you bring your child to an engagement party in a pub? (you actually are not allowed to by law - and it's for good reason)

But why is a wedding an adult event? Can it not accommodate everyone? Ours did with little difficulty and minimal extra expense ie half portions of main meals for €10 per head.

Whosthis

OP , forget about them and the naysayers, its your wedding not theirs, people with children generally have a sense of entitlement when it comes to their kids. The same with dog owners. It was their choice to have kids, you don't have to deal with them.

dixiefly

theoldbreed wrote: »

I put it up yes, I can however challenge an opinion. Stating his daughter is the same as any other child is ridiculous to be honest.

She is not his only niece. He has five nieces and one nephew.

I have a larger family. None were invited and mist people respected that.

I have been through this when getting married and then subsequently as a parent with kids attending weddings.

First of all you future bil was totally out of line, he let drink talk and picked a horrendously poor occasion to vent. No excuses and it really shows him in a bad light.

You are entitled to ask who you wish to the wedding. Ourselves, we never for a moment contemplated not inviting the nephews and neices who were aged from about 4/5 up at our wedding. I dont recall any of these examples of kids running around ruining everything. Our kids were at my brothers wedding a couple of years ago and I know that it wouldnt have been contemplated otherwise.

In our case we are both part of larger famlies, my wife one of 7 siblings, me 4 and my dads family 13 and 6/7 in my mums and my wifes mums families. We only invited kids from immediate family i.e. brothers and sisters and probably were more discriminating in inviting prev college/ work/ home friends. Thankfully we were not in groups of friends who were inviting each other to all weddings, i have seen that alone take up 20/30 places easily at weddings I have been at.

If you were saying no kids then definitely you should include the OH's daughter of course, I am not about also including her friend in such sensitive circumstances - surely there is enough going on on the day to occupy her.

Without knowing who you did or didn't invite, i.e. other friends, groups of friends as well as how close the family is I cannot say whether I would have done the same as you. At the end of the day it is your decision. I would say there is a reasonable chance though that others on your OH's side also think the same as his brother but have more in them than to vent like that.

Best of luck and try and drop it from your mind. It is probably up to your OH and his brother to sort it out and leave them to it. Also dont beat yourself up over kicking him out of the car, I think I wold have done the same in the circumstances.

fed up sick and tired

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

But why is a wedding an adult event? Can it not accommodate everyone? Ours did with little difficulty and minimal extra expense ie half portions of main meals for €10 per head.

To some extent, it's because a vast number of Irish people can't enjoy themselves without getting drunk, having never tried.

harr

Let your other half sort out his brother, you concentrate on your wedding ...you both made the Choice of no kids and if people are not happy let them decline your invite...our wedding had no children at it and we had a great day.
My sister had nearly 20 kids at her wedding and it was a nightmare, they were running around till all hours ...a lot of the parents did not care where they were or what they were up to..
I personally would prefer a wedding with no children ....of course you would want your step daughter at the wedding and at the end of the day it's no one else's business who you invite.

amdublin

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

But why is a wedding an adult event? Can it not accommodate everyone? Ours did with little difficulty and minimal extra expense ie half portions of main meals for €10 per head.

Yes of course and as you have described it sound perfect. But a wedding is a long day and and a long night. And children get bored and tetchy and crazy (they are children afterall) amd adults get loose (they are adults at a party afterall).

I just think there are muxh more things more suited to children than an adult party. And afterall you wouldn't bring them to any other kind of adult party (a 40th in a pub) so why a wedding party in a hotel function room with a bar? There are plenty of other family occasions much more suited to the needs and wants of children and adults.

pc7

We've been invited to a wedding abroad and our baby wasn't invited. We've had to decline, I know my relation is upset but we had hoped to build our family summer holiday round the trip to save on the expense but as little one not invited we can't justify the costs for a weekend and the hassle of someone having to mind them for the weekend.
It's your wedding and your choice, if you don't want kids there that's fine but it's also people's right and choice not to go. Your future niece might have been excited at the prospect to of going.

handlemaster

If the bride and groom want no kids thats it. Im sure some guests would like various different things, cant please everyone nor should they.

Filmer Paradise

It can be a touchy subject with some people alright.

My View is that the Bride & Groom call the shots.

When I got married, we decided at the outset that there were to be no kids.

Our 18 month old daughter came to the ceremony & before the reception, one of the ladies from her creche kindly took her for the evening. She had a great time.

Anybody objecting was met with 'Well even our own child isn't going'.

Edit: Now that I think of it (this was over 10 years ago), some of the other guests did bring their kids to the ceremony & were in some of the photos afterwards. It was nice for the kids to see the event & we had no problems with it at all.

The reception was a kiddie free zone though.

amdublin

Serious question is it not just easier to leave the kids at home and go enjoy yourself on your own?
Like you wouldn't insist your kids were invited to a 40th in a pub, why a wedding?
Why will you go to some family events without your children but need to bring them to a wedding?

peteb2

Sam Kade wrote: »

But it isn't free then.

And if one of your mates invites you out for the night for a few beers its not free either. Don't see your point.

mel.b

When my sister got married it was strictly no kids. If i was to get married tomorrow and say no kids she would have an absolute fit! She got ****ty when i wouldn't take my 4yr old niece on an errand that i was running to the supermarket (niece asked to come). I can just imagine the reaction she would have if i didn't invite my nieces.

However OP, you made a rule and fairplay to you sticking to it. Your future BIL is just a twat to act like that.

Neyite

handlemaster wrote: »

If the bride and groom want no kids thats it. Im sure some guests would like various different things, cant please everyone nor should they.

Absolutely. From the very moment I got engaged, I had people suggesting ideas to me, having a moan about where I was thinking of having the wedding, wading in on what I should wear, what kind of ceremony I should have, who should be in the wedding party, even what flowers I should have. I hadn't even gotten the ring back from resizing by that point and I was well and truly sick of it.

I realised that there was no way that I could please everyone, including ourselves. And there was no compromise possible in some instances. And then I realised that other people were getting worked up about details of what is essentially a party to celebrate something personal between my partner and I. So now, when I do get married, it will be presented when its all booked and arranged. People can get the hump all they want. Sometimes its all you can do.

Starokan

Sometimes it best to do nothing and that is what I would do here, you were doing a pretty decent thing in collecting them at that time of night , he was tanked and started mouthing off. Its up to him to come back and apologise, there is no need for you to change your position or for that matter justify your position to him on the issue of inviting kids. Its your day, if he does not want to attend then so be it

Unless he has the worlds thickest skin I can guarantee you he wont be feeling to good about himself today. I have never subscribed to the idea that the truth comes out when your drunk, I have often known it to be otherwise tbh , what he spouted off there may not be the view of his partner or their child at all. Not everyone gets too concerned about whether they are invited to a family function or not. I would just let this go - you can be sure that at some stage he and your OH will talk and sort out

retro:electro

Wow. That guy sounds like an absolute arsehole. Count yourself lucky that he's not attending your wedding, who wants someone as volatile at him attending! Not only did he partially ruin your fiancées stag with his stupid outburst, but he's also ruining your Sunday. Don't give the stupid ejit another minute of your worries.
The point isn't whether or not people feel weddings should involve children, the point is that the bride and groom decided NO children are attending expect the fiancées daughter. How some guests could ever have the bare faced cheek to even quiz never mind contest this is mind boggling to me. What a div.

Toots

locked pending review and cleanup

Toots

Right, against my better judgement, I'm re-opening this thread with the following conditions:

1. Posters keep it civil.
2. There is no further discussion on costs of attending/costs of meals/cost of gifts.

There will be zero tolerance for hostile/confrontational style posting here, cards and bans will handed out. I'd ask all posters to re-read the Charter before posting.




kyogger, you are not to post in this thread again. It's pretty clear that the Weddings forum is not the place for you; if you post in this thread again you will be banned from the forum.

matrim

I wonder if the brother had a go at you because your fiancé was offloading the blame for no kids being invited to you so that he could avoid the argument

ChewChew

Op I really feel for you. I'm getting married March 2017 and apart from my daughter who will be almost 2 and our 5 niblings, there will be no other children invited. None. If I offend anyone by that request then I don't see that couple/person being the friend I thought they were so it might be best for them to decline my invite. Ive already told a few people that kids are not welcome and I've a few more that need to be informed. It's like the argument of inviting aunts and uncles and cousins. I'm not doing that either and I am sticking to my guns. I've already had an aunt ask what date my wedding is so she can pencil it in, I told her not to bother as invites aren't going to extended family. It's my day, my money that is paying for it so it's going to be done my way. I have beautiful music arranged for my ceremony and I certainly don't want it to be over shadowed by the noise of little people! Op, stick to your decision. Your future brother in law is an ass and even if he did go now you wouldn't feel the same about him!! Have a great day

fed up sick and tired

Post deleted in a spirit of co-operation and congeniality.

Toots

fed up sick and tired, if you have a problem with a post then use the report post function.

beertons

I've 5 weddings this year. My sister's wedding is one of them. She wants the kids involved in the church, flower girl, page boy. I had her warned from the beginning that they might not play ball on the day, and throw a tantrum. She was hearing none of it. I'll be bringing them home after the meal and staying with them. I don't think kids should be at weddings. You want to let your hair down and relax, but they're off running around the place. The amount of drink consumed at one of these things are incredible. Plus, are the parents going to stay off the drink themselves? I have friends that bring their kids to everything, they drink too much, they cry, the kids cry. It's disgusting.

You sound like you've your head screwed on. I know when I got married, I didn't have a big wedding so the gifts would pay for it. I had who I wanted to share my day with. The cash gifts didn't even cover the dinner. Don't take orders from him, he'll be the first one drunk at it if he goes, and will start mouthing again no doubt.

happypants

Ok so he handled it very childishly and had taken alchohol which you understand. He could have came to say it to you in a more dignified manner. However I think you are in the wrong here. I have a daughter who will be at our wedding in April, she is almost 2. We are having family children only. My future brother in law is getting married now next April and has said his wedding wouldn't be going ahead without our daughter.

My oh has an uncle who has a kind of "difficult" wife and she kicked up a fuss about his 11 year old brother going. So it was his own nephew, who was about 9-10 at the time of the wedding and didn't bring a friend etc. It's so odd to me, have you people from work attending that you prioritised over your OH niece ? I could understand if friends invited us to their wedding but didn't include an invite for our daughter but I wouldn't attend a family members wedding if they excluded her.

jd

Was your partner not in the car to tell your future bil where to go? I'd stay out of it, and let your partner sort his brother out.

amdublin

happypants wrote: »

Ok so he handled it very childishly and had taken alchohol which you understand. He could have came to say it to you in a more dignified manner. However I think you are in the wrong here. I have a daughter who will be at our wedding in April, she is almost 2. We are having family children only. My future brother in law is getting married now next April and has said his wedding wouldn't be going ahead without our daughter.

My oh has an uncle who has a kind of "difficult" wife and she kicked up a fuss about his 11 year old brother going. So it was his own nephew, who was about 9-10 at the time of the wedding and didn't bring a friend etc. It's so odd to me, have you people from work attending that you prioritised over your OH niece ? I could understand if friends invited us to their wedding but didn't include an invite for our daughter but I wouldn't attend a family members wedding if they excluded her.

The point is that some people (me!) feel weddings are not necessarily a good environment for children. For me it's like bringing a child to the pub at night which of course you'd never do (plus actually are not allowed do by law).

riffmongous

No young kids I can understand , but 16 is old enough to be there without causing any extra fuss though imo

ElleEm

riffmongous wrote: »

No young kids I can understand , but 16 is old enough to be there without causing any extra fuss though imo

My partner has a lot of 16/ 17 year old cousins that we won't be inviting to our wedding. We don't want them getting drunk on the sly and taking over the dancefloor! We want our friends to feel like we are all at a grown up party, not at an under 18's disco!

Milly33

OH sounds like Wedding drama no. 1 has hit...

Best advide would try and not let it get to you so much..It does sound like maybe there is a little jealousy or something like that going on, or that he thinks a little too highly of himself..

You should go as mentioned have a good chat with your own hubby to be, rant like a fisherwoman let it all out and then ask him right what would he prefer.. To save arguments to invite his kids (which of course if ye do that then ye will have to invite all the rest of the close families kids) or do ye want to keep it like it is. If ye do just dont play into the brothers hands.. Leave him rant and rave all he wants, and make silly remarks about a young girls sexuality, if his that kinda person the more you argue with him the more he will build up. Sad and stupid but if you ignore him you are better off. If he doesnt come to the wedding so let it be, dont hold it against him and dont let it upset you.

If is scary what weddings do to people, even guest and families seem to have this sense of entiltiment to tell ye what to do and let them at it do what ye want to do..

Hope ye get over this

Milly33

OH sounds like Wedding drama no. 1 has hit...

Best advide would try and not let it get to you so much..It does sound like maybe there is a little jealousy or something like that going on, or that he thinks a little too highly of himself..

You should go as mentioned have a good chat with your own hubby to be, rant like a fisherwoman let it all out and then ask him right what would he prefer.. To save arguments to invite his kids (which of course if ye do that then ye will have to invite all the rest of the close families kids) or do ye want to keep it like it is. If ye do just dont play into the brothers hands.. Leave him rant and rave all he wants, and make silly remarks about a young girls sexuality, if his that kinda person the more you argue with him the more he will build up. Sad and stupid but if you ignore him you are better off. If he doesnt come to the wedding so let it be, dont hold it against him and dont let it upset you.

If is scary what weddings do to people, even guest and families seem to have this sense of entiltiment to tell ye what to do and let them at it do what ye want to do..

Hope ye get over this

fed up sick and tired

amdublin wrote: »

The point is that some people (me!) feel weddings are not necessarily a good environment for children. For me it's like bringing a child to the pub at night which of course you'd never do (plus actually are not allowed do by law).

I know what you're saying and I agree with you, as things stand. They were often not necessarily good environments for me either, going on the 'next-day' factor

But it's a cultural thing, and it's far from clear to me why a wedding must be like a fortieth party in a pub. It doesn't necessarily happen in other places, I'd guess.

I wouldn't see any harm in getting away from the binge-fest wedding as a given. Especially since 'family' is such an inclusive term.

Easy for me to say that now of course, as a tee-totaller.

eviltwin

Depends on the wedding probably. I've been to booze fests but I've also been to weddings where no one got locked, no one ignored their children and the kids went to bed at respectable times. If it's the former probably best to leave kids out.

andekwarhola

Personally I could never have got married without inviting my nephews and nieces. It's a family day (imo of course) and I'd far sooner have cut down on non-family attendees to make room if numbers were an issue. That said, the amount of nieces and nephews involved for me wasn't huge.

Can totally understand a ban on non family children though.

Your wedding, your call though and it's pretty rude to have a go at you face to face over it.

_Whimsical_

OP if this conversation was had at 4am there's a good chance that your brother in law is going to be quite ashamed of his behaviour this morning if he remembers it at all. Give it a little cooling off time and then go back to them in a spirit of sorting things out, tell them that if you invite their daughter you'll be at risk of insulting everyone in your family who has children and that other circumstances you'd love to have her...even if it's a lie.

If this is the only child of the extended family in this country however I think for your own long term happiness you might be better to invite her. You never know what repercussions might come from a perceived slight like this. It would be a pity for your OPs daughter to miss out on future family invites out of spite etc and I think it would be a shame to risk family ties and easy going cordial relations for the sake of 50-100 quid. You never know when you'll need backup in illness or trouble that really only a family truely will lend you.
If it's a case that you'll need to invite several kids then stick to your guns, if this is the only teenager in the family do invite her.

theoldbreed

Hi again,
Thank you all for your advice. Just to answer a few things, my step daughter is coming and is bringing a friend. Why shouldn't she have a plus one? We sent her a proper invite to make her feel special. She loved it.
I get people saying they couldn't not have nieces and nephews at their wedding. Grand, I don't have an opinion on that, I respect it's your wedding to do what you wish.
So what if we have invited some friends from work, they aren't kids. I'm very close to them. My OH has surfaced and has apologised on his brother's behalf, he didn't have to. He is still okay with our original plan.
I just feel like why should we have to justify our lives and decisions to anyone. I must add, and I only heard this today, that my step daughter wasn't at said brother's wedding when they got married about ten years ago. There were kids at that wedding. This reinforces my decision. It's a shame he went about it the way he did but he has shown his true colours and if he doesn't come, that's his choice.

Milly33

Good that ye are sticking to yer guns, and sod it OP...Do it is yer day and it doesnt matter what who done or didnt do at their wedding, try not to start thinking like that. Think what ye want at yers and if anyone has a problem with it then let them have the problem with it, just dont bite to it.. Just say look im sorry you feel that way but thats they way it is just dont let it make anything awkward or kinda get in the way of yer day..

bee06

theoldbreed wrote: »

I just feel like why should we have to justify our lives and decisions to anyone.

Unfortunately with weddings everyone feels entitled to give their two cents about your wedding. The only thing you can do is take a deep breath, ignore it and do what you want. You can't please everyone so you may as well please yourselves.

Choc Chip

No advice here OP, just wanted to offer my sympathy. I'm planning my wedding for next year and we haven't yet told anyone that we'll not be inviting kids - I'm already dreading the reactions of certain people. Best of luck with it and hopefully it will all work out when everyone sobers up!

Toots

OP I don't want to worry you unduly here, but is there a risk that he'll carry on like this on the actual wedding day if he's had a skinful?

Milly33

I so see why people alope for weddings nearly wish we had although it was fun things like this would drive you mad.. We certainly have an all new appreciation for upcoming bride and grooms

Toots

Toots wrote: »

OP I don't want to worry you unduly here, but is there a risk that he'll carry on like this on the actual wedding day if he's had a skinful?

OP might want to have strong words with her OH and get him to lay down the Law. (He'd be a right bad sod to kick off at someone elses Wedding)

theoldbreed

Toots wrote:

OP I don't want to worry you unduly here, but is there a risk that he'll carry on like this on the actual wedding day if he's had a skinful?

Yes this has crossed my mind!

martingriff

kyogger wrote: »

TBH, at modern day weddings, it's the guests are footing the bill. I would doubt your wedding was any exception.

The guests get a great deal though, €150-250 by modern expectations and in return they get what amounts to a hotel carvery dinner.

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Free??? Have you ever been to a wedding? They are prohibitively expensive.

Could you please quote the money you are forced to spend

martingriff

Sam Kade wrote: »

Yeah and all the guests come with musty outfits that have been sitting in the back of their wardrobes with years. They come with their hands hanging and drink free water from the bar all night.

If you want to buy a new outfit: Your Choice
If you want to drink loads: Your Choice
If you want to give an expensive gift: Your Choice

Toots

Toots wrote: »

Right, against my better judgement, I'm re-opening this thread with the following conditions:

1. Posters keep it civil.
2. There is no further discussion on costs of attending/costs of meals/cost of gifts.

I'll just leave this here

martingriff

Toots wrote: »

I'll just leave this here

I apologise Toots I had been going through the thread and had nod not seen your instruction