No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

fits

It depends on the family and the stage people are at too. 15 years ago a wedding in our family would have been a mad piss up cos there were no young kids and the aunts and uncles were still middle aged.

Nowadays, they are getting elderly and there are lots of young children (not toddlers though, they can be a pita) and Id see a wedding as much more of a family day than a piss up. Very few people really got drunk at our wedding, it was a relaxed family affair and was over early enough too. Completely different to my sister's wedding fifteen years ago.

fits

It depends on the family and the stage people are at too. 15 years ago a wedding in our family would have been a mad piss up cos there were no young kids and the aunts and uncles were still middle aged.

Nowadays, they are getting elderly and there are lots of young children (not toddlers though, they can be a pita) and Id see a wedding as much more of a family day than a piss up. Very few people really got drunk at our wedding, it was a relaxed family affair and was over early enough too. Completely different to my sister's wedding fifteen years ago.

solerina

I wouldn't even have gone into a conversation with your future idiot bil, it's your wedding your choice.....END OF !!!

Skibunny77

Parents who insist on being offended when their children aren't invited to weddings are so annoying - and I say that as someone who comes from a large family who have always included children in our many weddings. That said, none of us would take offence if someone in the family chose to getting married minus the children. Have your own wedding day as you would like it and let others do the same! OP, I would take the moral high ground on this one. Be pleasant but firm. Your brother in law is in your life, for life, so in the long room, civility is the way to go - if only for your future husband's sake.

freshpopcorn

To me weddings are about two families coming together with a few close friends and kids would be important at family weddings in my family.
However I do believe you just go along with what other people want and you don't make a fuss out of it.
If kids aren't invited and you can't afford a baby sitter you don't go. If it's in Malta and you can't afford to go. You simply don't go. Etc.

jluv

Firstly I feel so bad for you that after staying in all night, minding your own business and were then so good to pick them up that you had to be subjected to that nonsense. An apology for that in itself is due!
Every family is different in feelings to children at weddings. I have no issue with either choice. I personally would not have brought my kids when young as I had very few opportunities to be "me" instead of "mom" and loved the chance to get dressed up and "away" for the day (and hopefully night!)
My 8 year old niece was extremely upset that she couldnt be at my sons 21st party as we do tend to celebrate birthdays together (we did have a family dinner but hoiw dare we have a party without her!lol
The comment on your OH daughter and her friend would actually be the breaking point for me..one step too far IMO.
I hope his wife is giving him extreme grief while his head is banging today:D

uck51js9zml2yt

theoldbreed wrote: »

Hi again,
Thank you all for your advice. Just to answer a few things, my step daughter is coming and is bringing a friend. Why shouldn't she have a plus one? We sent her a proper invite to make her feel special. She loved it.
I get people saying they couldn't not have nieces and nephews at their wedding. Grand, I don't have an opinion on that, I respect it's your wedding to do what you wish.
So what if we have invited some friends from work, they aren't kids. I'm very close to them. My OH has surfaced and has apologised on his brother's behalf, he didn't have to. He is still okay with our original plan.
I just feel like why should we have to justify our lives and decisions to anyone. I must add, and I only heard this today, that my step daughter wasn't at said brother's wedding when they got married about ten years ago. There were kids at that wedding. This reinforces my decision. It's a shame he went about it the way he did but he has shown his true colours and if he doesn't come, that's his choice.

Well said
I wonder do Those who think your future step daughter isn't a justifiable exception have kids.
Of course it's vital for her to be at the wedding of her dad and future step mother and she's entitled to a plus 1. What kid wants to be with adults all day!
I wouldn't get into any more conversations with the brother in law about it.
If he doesn't like it, its his problem. If he isn't coming to the wedding grand.
I had 2_siblings who refused to come to my wedding. We still enjoyed our day. One of them have us a wedding present 12 months later( its stuck in a press somewhere)

Miaireland

Op, I am sorry that you are going through something like this so soon to your wedding. Your brother in law to be sounds like a piece of work.

I ma glad that you and your husband to be have decided to let thing stand and have your wedding the way you want. How dare he question why your step daughter is going to the wedding.

Could I just suggest given your brother in law to be behaviour that you have someone on standby at the wedding to calm him down/remove him from the wedding if he starts kicking off. Make sure your husband to be has very strong words with him before the wedding warning him a repeat of his crap will not be tolerated.

Miaireland

Op, I am sorry that you are going through something like this so soon to your wedding. Your brother in law to be sounds like a piece of work.

I ma glad that you and your husband to be have decided to let thing stand and have your wedding the way you want. How dare he question why your step daughter is going to the wedding.

Could I just suggest given your brother in law to be behaviour that you have someone on standby at the wedding to calm him down/remove him from the wedding if he starts kicking off. Make sure your husband to be has very strong words with him before the wedding warning him a repeat of his crap will not be tolerated.

hollymartins

Your brother-in-law sounds obnoxious, especially his snide comment about a teenage girl! When I was growing up very rarely were we invited to weddings and if we were my parents still left us at home as they knew a wedding could be a very long day for children (and I'm sure they didn't want to be minding us all night)

While a 16 year old may not fall into the same category as younger relatives who may need babysitting and get cranky as the day progresses I think it's understandable that you drew the line if you both have numerous nieces and nephews. I had one child at my wedding, my 2 year old nephew, but only because he was the only nephew/niece on either side.

I don't understand why people get offended if their children aren't invited, would they not want a childfree night? It's up to the bride and groom what kind of wedding they want, and children may not be a part of it. Personally after going to so many weddings over the years I wouldn't mind using children as an excuse not to go!

caille

OP, the best advice I can give you is to stick to your guns and have your wedding the way YOU want it.

Before I got married, a very wise and long married friend told me that no matter what you do for your wedding, someone, somewhere, is going to be offended or insulted, so you may as well have your wedding day exactly as you want. Because those same people, six months on, won't even remember what it was that they were worked up about it, whereas you could mostly likely still be regretting that you didn't do this or that as you had wanted and had let muppets dictate to you.

I took my friends advice and can honestly say that my wedding day was the best and happiest day of my life, I wouldn't change a single thing about it. I did everything exactly as I wanted and even my husband still says how special that day was and how everything went so well. But I am convinced that that was only due to him having a happy bride who had organised everything the way she wanted!

People are so pass remarkable and too willing to stick their oars in and cause hassle. You concentrate on your fiance and your wedding and do things the way you want, I promise you, everyone else will fall into line.

theoldbreed

Brother in law contacted my OH earlier to ask would he help him with something during week. No mention of anything that happened. I can whistle for an apology. I won't push anything but he has shown his true self to me. Luckily I don't have much to do with him.

Malari

Was he so drunk he doesn't remember, I wonder?!

Pawwed Rig

theoldbreed wrote: »

Brother in law contacted my OH earlier to ask would he help him with something during week. No mention of anything that happened. I can whistle for an apology. I won't push anything but he has shown his true self to me. Luckily I don't have much to do with him.

Maybe he wants to talk to him face to face rather than electronically.

podger456

He sounds like a right knuckle dragger OP, with his attack on you and his vile comments about the daughter's friend I wouldn't want him anywhere near my wedding. If he does go I'd have some people on standby to shut him down straight away and remove him if he tries anything at the wedding.

jluv

theoldbreed wrote: »

Brother in law contacted my OH earlier to ask would he help him with something during week. No mention of anything that happened. I can whistle for an apology. I won't push anything but he has shown his true self to me. Luckily I don't have much to do with him.

He's just testing the water to see if he's done any damage...ask your OH to delay his response..let him sweat..

He can still reply tomorrow...I know..i'm such a woman:D

molly09

It sounds like brother in law is feeling sheepish and wants to meet your OH face to face to apologise in his own weird way. Op I hope you, your hubby to be and your step daughter have a lovely wedding day filled with lots of laughs and dancing. After brother in law contacted your OH today looking for help it's looking like he will be going to the wedding and hopefully his wife will make sure he does not get drunk. What he was saying didn't even make sense so try and ignore him and enjoy what will no doubt be the best day of your life.

pconn062

We are currently planning our wedding and I want no kids at it at all, but my OH wants to bring a few nieces and nephews. So we've compromised, the civil ceremony will have no kids in attendance, however some will be invited to the party. Ours is slightly different as the reception is a very casual party in my OH's parents house, so kids running round won't be so much of an issue. People with kids can sometimes be blind to how irritating they can be some times. I was at a family wedding recently where the ceremony was ruined by one child screaming and shouting through the entire thing. The parents just sat there and let him get on with it, taking the good out of it for everyone else.

meeeeh

podger456 wrote: »

He sounds like a right knuckle dragger OP, with his attack on you and his vile comments about the daughter's friend I wouldn't want him anywhere near my wedding. If he does go I'd have some people on standby to shut him down straight away and remove him if he tries anything at the wedding.

That kind of attitude actually causes long running feuds in the family.

If it was me, I would ignore the tantrums, if they come to the wedding fine and if they don't it's fine too. Let them sulk in some corner but don't ponder to their demands or pleade with them to come to the wedding either. It's very hard to make a scene if the other party doesn't engage.

amdublin

pconn062 wrote: »

We are currently planning our wedding and I want no kids at it at all, but my OH wants to bring a few nieces and nephews. So we've compromised, the civil ceremony will have no kids in attendance, however some will be invited to the party. Ours is slightly different as the reception is a very casual party in my OH's parents house, so kids running round won't be so much of an issue.

Sounds lovely!

Spanish Eyes

Weddings huh?

So what did OP's Fiance have to say about the matter? That is missing from the missives! Or maybe I just missed it myself...

Anyway, I wish I had kids. Really do. Sorry, but if I was invited to a wedding and the kids (that I don't have lol) were NOT invited it would be a great way of dodging the gig.

OP we need to hear what your beloved has to say about his brother's views. That is going to be the key, when he has sobered up after the Stags.

Weddings are the cause of much misery sometimes. I said SOMETIMES.

But to OP, I hope it all works out, and there is no family breakup drama llama.

What about the Hens? Is the sister in law going? That could be another fun night!

Anyway congratulations, hope it all works out, and you have a fab day. Just ignore the brother and pretend it never happened. But stick to your plan, and enjoy.

theoldbreed

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Weddings huh?

So what did OP's Fiance have to say about the matter? That is missing from the missives! Or maybe I just missed it myself...

Anyway, I wish I had kids. Really do. Sorry, but if I was invited to a wedding and the kids (that I don't have lol) were NOT invited it would be a great way of dodging the gig.

OP we need to hear what your beloved has to say about his brother's views. That is going to be the key, when he has sobered up after the Stags.

Weddings are the cause of much misery sometimes. I said SOMETIMES.

But to OP, I hope it all works out, and there is no family breakup drama llama.

What about the Hens? Is the sister in law going? That could be another fun night!

Anyway congratulations, hope it all works out, and you have a fab day. Just ignore the brother and pretend it never happened. But stick to your plan, and enjoy.

My OH was disgusted. He told him to get out of car before I actually put him out. He apologised on his behalf next morning and agreed we are sticking to out plan. He also said if he doesn't come so be it even though I know he'd be upset. He knows himself that there will be no apology to me. He can't force that and tbh I don't want him to. If someone can't apologise off the bat then I don't want a forced one.

You see I see said brother in law very little, the other night was first time I'd been in his company since last March believe it or not. My OH sees him more obviously, I'm just a keep to myself kind of person.

His wife is not invited to my hen in two weeks, we're not close and I wouldn't have even thought about it.

I really do try to stay away from 'toxic' people and I feel he is one who just happens to be the brother of the man I love. My feeling is he will continue as if nothing has happened and come to wedding anyway.

theoldbreed

meeeeh wrote:

If it was me, I would ignore the tantrums, if they come to the wedding fine and if they don't it's fine too. Let them sulk in some corner but don't ponder to their demands or pleade with them to come to the wedding either. It's very hard to make a scene if the other party doesn't engage.

Very true and that's the approach I will take.

Just as a matter of interest, the next time I see him and there has been no attempt to apologise etc how should I act? My gut is saying just be civil but don't engage with him any longer than I need to.

uck51js9zml2yt

theoldbreed wrote: »

His wife is not invited to my hen in two weeks, we're not close and I wouldn't have even thought about it.

.

Are other future in-laws invited to the hen?
If they are and she's not, the problem could be there.

jeamimus

Jeez... Run off to Vegas and get it done there. This is all too much hassle. The idea that potential guests try to dictate who you should invite to your event is ridiculous.

idnkph

Feck your bil. Next time you see him make a laugh of the situation and embarrass him. Something like " Oh you're on your best behaviour today! None of your roaring and shouting of ya have a few drinks. We don't you making a show of your self again do we?" Say that light hearted and have a chuckle. He will take it one o way or another. His reaction will be sheepish I'd say. And let everyone know what he was like too. Enjoy your day and stick to your guns.

CaraMay

This is what happens when parents cant say no to their kids. God he is an ignoramous. Its up to your fiancé to sort this out. His kin, his problem.

EagererBeaver

It's your wedding, your rules BUT:

1) your OH isn't inviting his nearly adult niece? How many people are going that "rank" above her in the pecking order.

2) your OH's daughter going to her daddy's wedding isn't questionable in the slightest and, even though I disagree with not inviting the niece, for the brother to equate the two is bang out of order.

CaraMay

EagererBeaver wrote: »

It's your wedding, your rules BUT:

1) your OH isn't inviting his nearly adult niece? How many people are going that "rank" above her in the pecking order.

2) your OH's daughter going to her daddy's wedding isn't questionable in the slightest and, even though I disagree with not inviting the niece, for the brother to equate the two is bang out of order.

Especially when the DIL wasn't invited to his wedding!!

kunst nugget

idnkph wrote: »

Feck your bil. Next time you see him make a laugh of the situation and embarrass him. Something like " Oh you're on your best behaviour today! None of your roaring and shouting of ya have a few drinks. We don't you making a show of your self again do we?" Say that light hearted and have a chuckle. He will take it one o way or another. His reaction will be sheepish I'd say. And let everyone know what he was like too. Enjoy your day and stick to your guns.

That sounds like an absolutely terrible idea. Rise above the situation and don't go trying to goad him for amusement.

matrim

EagererBeaver wrote: »

It's your wedding, your rules BUT:

1) your OH isn't inviting his nearly adult niece? How many people are going that "rank" above her in the pecking order.

From one of the OPs other posts it's not just this neice. If this one neice is invited then around 25 other neices and nephews have to be invited too.

jeamimus

CaraMay wrote: »

This is what happens when parents cant say no to their kids. God he is an ignoramous. Its up to your fiancé to sort this out. His kin, his problem.

Maybe. Might also be that he doesn't want the hassle of arranging a babysitter.

kunst nugget

jeamimus wrote: »

Maybe. Might also be that he doesn't want the hassle of arranging a babysitter.

She's hardly going to need a babysitter at sixteen…

theoldbreed

EagererBeaver wrote: »

It's your wedding, your rules BUT:

1) your OH isn't inviting his nearly adult niece? How many people are going that "rank" above her in the pecking order.

2) your OH's daughter going to her daddy's wedding isn't questionable in the slightest and, even though I disagree with not inviting the niece, for the brother to equate the two is bang out of order.

It's got nothing to do with rank and there is no pecking order . No other nieces and nephews were invited and there is one a little older. No issues anywhere else.

My stepdaughter wasn't invited to his and other nieces and nephews were but that has nothing to do with our decision. That would be pretty petty.

What I have realised is it doesn't really matter what you or he or anyone else thinks, it was a decision we made and it was never intended to cause offence. He doesn't have to go if he feels that strongly about it but we certainly won't let him dictate what we should and shouldn't do. I hadn't seen him since last March and he has a go at me in the car after I've gone to pick him up. No. I am glad I put him out of the car, I almost felt guilty about that yesterday but not now.

I'm thinking more clearly this morning, I've had some sleep and chatted with my OH. We feel comfortable with our decision and if people choose to be offended by it that is their choice.

eviltwin

I think you should invite his wife to the hens. It's a nice gesture to include future family and a way to get to know her better .

theoldbreed

Waylon Obnoxious Tutorial wrote: »

Are other future in-laws invited to the hen?
If they are and she's not, the problem could be there.

No, no other future in laws. I am not really that close to them to be honest and I don't want to invite people for the sake of it.

CaraMay

I would love to know how he got home after being booted out of the car (you were right by the way) Hopd it teaches him some manners.

Babysitter for a 16 year old? Come on...

CaraMay

I would love to know how he got home after being booted out of the car (you were right by the way) Hopd it teaches him some manners.

Babysitter for a 16 year old? Come on...

jennyhayes123

I thought the bil was an ass from the start. How dare he expect that his daughter be invited. Your wedding, your rules. But when you said that he didn't even invite your step daughter to his wedding!!!! Omg how can he have the shame to even kick up a fuss.
Sounds like a real man though, doesn't have the balls to say it sober.
I'm so glad we went away to get married without any family bar our own kids. Had a party afterwards at night so we didn't let any kids come. We were the worst in the world but at the end of the day it was a party with alcohol served and it's not the place for kids.
I still from time to time get nasty jibes about why didn't we have it at home etc but when I look at some of there relationships I think at least I'm happily married, said people aren't even married....
Anyways my point is the important thing is your happy ever after, not that you didn't want kids there

retro:electro

theoldbreed wrote: »

No, no other future in laws. I am not really that close to them to be honest and I don't want to invite people for the sake of it.

Is your fiancée close to them?

deisemum

OP has this niece got younger siblings?

theoldbreed

deisemum wrote: »

OP has this niece got younger siblings?

Yes two younger siblings.

theoldbreed

anna080 wrote: »

Is your fiancée close to them?

He wouldn't see them regularly, texts every so often and meet for drinks at Christmas etc

wehuntmonsters

As nice as it is for kids meeting and being surrounded by relatives, they still shouldn't be brought to a wedding.

Like some other posters have said, most Irish weddings turn into big piss ups. I am also a child of alcoholic parents and I too spent nearly most of my childhood being dragged into nearly every pub that Louth has/had to offer. The same went for weddings, we'd be left in the corner while all the relatives got so drunk they couldn't even walk. Not to mention my mother made a show of herself, me included (that was just because I was embarrassed to be related to her). Fights or arguments nearly always break out and when they do, children have a tendency to be nervous or get upset. There is also the case of parents not leaving until after 4 a.m, not caring whether their child is wrecked or nowhere to be seen.

Family events in which children are included should be held during the day and without alcohol. Now I know not everyone that brings their child to a wedding is as bad as my memories are, but a big percentage are.

fed up sick and tired

wehuntmonsters wrote: »

Family events in which children are included should be held during the day and without alcohol.

I agree 100% with this.

Fact - there's no law that says a wedding can't be held during the day and without alcohol.

Thank you for sharing your experiences as a child. It's possibly more intense than the norm, but I'd say a lot of us can relate to it to some degree.

Stealthfins

It all depends on the wedding.
My idea of a wedding would be a quirky marquee in a dry meadow during the summer time.

Maybe a real pagan style event.

Maybe around 60 to 80guests,elderly,my siblings their kid's my teenager and immediate friends.

Something like a cross between a 70's to mid eighties dancing at the crossroads thing,and a Celtic pagan theme.

Hence I'm 40 and still single lol

Gatica

He was drunk and said something stupid. No excuse, but a reason I suppose. Hopefully he'll sober up and regret it. I'd just leave it be too. If he comes or doesn't come is his own business. Be the bigger person and just let sleeping dogs lie. Trying to punish him for it is only going to leave things sour with your OH as well then, they'll hopefully realise their own stupidity; if not, there's probably not much you could've done by telling them off either.

Sure, a 16 year old may have been looking forward to dressing up and heading out to the wedding, but so what. She wasn't invited, so suck it up. At least you're using a blanket rule, so they can't begrudge that (immediate family always being the exception).

eviltwin wrote: »

I wouldn't leave a 16 yr old alone late at night or possibly overnight. It's old enough not to be disruptive at a wedding but not necessarily to be alone late at night.

If you can't trust a 16 year old to be able to look after themselves for an evening, then they're probably not fit to attend a formal function either. I'm sure legally speaking children can be left alone at a much younger age, not saying it should be done as young as that, but at 16 surely they can microwave a meal, stick on a movie, put on own pyjamas and go to bed when tired... :rolleyes: even my 4 year old nephew can put on his own clothes now, LOL

Also, inviting under 18's to a wedding, isn't going to cost a child's meal. A 16 year old is unlikely to want to eat mini burgers or goujons like a 5 year old. They'll want to be treated like an adult, have a proper adult's meal and maybe even sneak a toast... so the whole "it's not gonna cost much to invite them" is rubbish. Also, the 16 year old themselves will probably be mortified to be given a kid's meal at an adults table, or worse, to be at a kid's table with the kid's meal; they'll probably far more likely then prefer to be at home, not enduring that embarrassment.

Ann22

We were in the same boat. We' were limited to numbers. However none of the people who sulked cos we just allowed the eldest of each nephew/niece at it bothered to go to my father's funeral the year before. Funny that. They were keener to go to the wedding and take their kids with them to save them finding a babysitter. I've no time for this argument . You are 100% right. Its your day

deisemum

One thing I've noticed about a lot of parents who kick up a fuss about bringing their children to weddings is that they're the very parents who generally ignore them at the reception as they're the ones drinking the most and leaving other guests to watch out for their children who are usually the ones running around annoying other guests.

alcea

theoldbreed wrote: »

Very true and that's the approach I will take.

Just as a matter of interest, the next time I see him and there has been no attempt to apologise etc how should I act? My gut is saying just be civil but don't engage with him any longer than I need to.

As my mother would say "say nothing and keep saying it, but smile - for as long as you are smiling, they will never know what you are thinking".

I get the feeling that your bil was just picking an argument with you both, if his daughter had been invited he would have picked an argument about something else.

Best of luck with your wedding day.