Separation Looming. I'm going to fall apart

charliestock16

My life has been turned upside down this past number of months.

I've been with my wife for 8 years, married for 3 of those. I would describe most of our time together as amazing. The last year has been good, not great. I worked too much and didn't pay enough attention to her. I was working to save a deposit for a house I thought we both wanted. I got too focused on that.

Last November we were about to sign off on a house. We seemed excited. When discussing plans for the house I mentioned kids. We had talked about a family. Her expression changed and she said she wasn't sure about kids. I quizzed her on this as it was odd, I asked was everything ok.

This was the first time she ever mentioned something being wrong in our relationship. She said things weren't great. To summarize, I hadn't been spending enough time with her, she became really independent away from us, she still loved me but felt funny about our future. I have to say, I agree, I spent too much time away from her, but even then we did spend a lot of time together. However, I accepted all of her points.

I told her I would change my approach to work, spend more time with her, appreciate her more. That's what I've been doing. Everything seemed to be good until I brought up potentially moving to Boston for 12 months with my job. This seemed to drag up those feelings again.

She doesn't know why she isn't excited about the move to Boston. She feels funny about us. She loves me, but isn't excited by a house or kids and doesn't know why.

She has been really upset. It kills me to see her this upset and think I may be causing it.

I don't know how I can fix that "funny" feeling. I don't think I can. I feel like I'm about to get hit by a train and I'm just trying to buy myself some time before that happens. Part of me kind of wishes that train would run over me and I wouldn't wake up from it.

She has agreed to go see a counselor with me. I'm not that hopeful.

I'm trying to be cool on the outside to support her, but I'm crumbling. I'm in my 30's. I don't want to be without her. I really don't want to start dating again. The thought of it makes me kind of ill, but I also hate being alone. I would love a family, but feel like it's too late to find someone else and I actually can't even picture me with anyone else.

I know the above are thoughts most people have when this is happening. But they're pretty real.

My wife has been my rock, my life has been amazing since we met. It's just surreal this could even be happening.

I'll update this thread with news. I find writing helps me process my thoughts.

endacl

You won't fall apart. Whatever happens, it'll be tough, but you'll come out the other side.

You will be OK.

Keep talking!
Just remember one thing, the love of your life doesn't make you who you are!. And don't think about dating!
I know it's hard but live in the now and try to deal with things as they happen.

Speedwell

Times like these were made for more than one person to handle, just like certain physical tasks weren't meant for just one person to do. I don't know why so many Irish people are against seeking counseling... I'm a Yank, of course, and when I mentioned "my therapist" to my Irish husband's mother, she almost dropped her TV remote and asked me "what's wrong with ye then" But my answer was simply, "Nothing... and I want it to stay that way". In truth I had trouble coping with some reverses, because I had not learned the mental and emotional tools necessary to deal with that sort of pain.

And yes. This is so painful my gut clenched, reading about it. I'm so sorry. One of the skills I learned was not to assume the worst. Please learn this too. I'll be thinking about you and hoping you feel more stable after some sleep and a shower. Please take good care of yourself.

BabySlam

Its not just the quantity of time, a woman needs to feel beautiful, special and adored. are you doing enough in those departments.? many people could not face emigrating, perhaps leaving behind people they care about and having to make a new social life abroad. i hope whatever happens, you are able to deal with it. Good luck.

looksee

You say she has been 'your rock'. Have you been her rock?

You don't want to be without her. You don't want to start dating again. Its too late to start looking for someone else to have a family with...can you see what you are saying? All this is about you in the relationship. She is a means to an end, to have babies, to be there for you. You want her but your initial thoughts, even before the trainwreck has happened is how you are going to lose out.

She has been discovering how she can lead her own life, how maybe if she is just a support for you, she can be just as happy, or even more so, on her own without that responsibility. It looks as though she is still very fond of you but feels a bit lost.

Is it that you regarded getting married as a conclusion to the stage of your life when you had to keep paying attention to your relationship - she was free to walk, and you didn't want that, so you were involved and active?

I am not suggesting that any of this was deliberate or conscious - and of course I could be totally wrong - but does it sound any way possible to you?

charliestock16

Your comment is mostly fair. We're best friends and have been there for each other a bunch.

But I fully accept I've obviously made a mess of things. She is amazing. She deserves the world. I've been a total idiot.

I didn't make myself a big enough part of her life. I prioritized work. When I did this I didn't notice the effect it was having. It wasn't until she sat me down and told me in November that I realised the effects of my actions. I changed everything since then but it's probably too late.

I'll regret that for the rest of my life. But I deserve what's coming.

The thoughts you took out are just my brain racing. I'm crumbling, it's hard not to just have your brain racing like that.

looksee wrote: »

You say she has been 'your rock'. Have you been her rock?

You don't want to be without her. You don't want to start dating again. Its too late to start looking for someone else to have a family with...can you see what you are saying? All this is about you in the relationship. She is a means to an end, to have babies, to be there for you. You want her but your initial thoughts, even before the trainwreck has happened is how you are going to lose out.

She has been discovering how she can lead her own life, how maybe if she is just a support for you, she can be just as happy, or even more so, on her own without that responsibility. It looks as though she is still very fond of you but feels a bit lost.

Is it that you regarded getting married as a conclusion to the stage of your life when you had to keep paying attention to your relationship - she was free to walk, and you didn't want that, so you were involved and active?

I am not suggesting that any of this was deliberate or conscious - and of course I could be totally wrong - but does it sound any way possible to you?

looksee

charliestock16 wrote: »

Your comment is mostly fair. We're best friends and have been there for each other a bunch.

But I fully accept I've obviously made a mess of things. She is amazing. She deserves the world. I've been a total idiot.

I didn't make myself a big enough part of her life. I prioritized work. When I did this I didn't notice the effect it was having. It wasn't until she sat me down and told me in November that I realised the effects of my actions. I changed everything since then but it's probably too late.

I'll regret that for the rest of my life. But I deserve what's coming.

The thoughts you took out are just my brain racing. I'm crumbling, it's hard not to just have your brain racing like that.

Fair enough, I get what you are saying, and I understand. Are you maybe giving in too easily though? You are talking as though it has all happened for definite, and it seems there is still a chance. Lots of people prioritize work, especially when trying to buy a house or pay a mortgage. That should be understood. What happened in the three years you were married that was different to the five years before? She was happy to get married, what has changed?

One thing I would be fairly sure of, you are not going to mend things by collapsing in a heap and acting as though it is all over. Find your strength, talk to her, go and see the counsellor - on your own initially, if necessary, and ask your wife to hold off on any decisions until you have had chance to work it out together.

charliestock16

A quick update, we are now living apart. We went to a counselor and then decided it was best to spend some time apart after that. But it's pretty final based on the conversation with the counselor.

A couple of things I've learned over the past week or so:

a. Communication is key in marriage. I mean real communication. This turned out to be our biggest problem. I thought the fact we never had fights was a sign we were pretty strong together. Instead it was a sign we (mostly her) were bottling up their feelings and they slowly just killed our marriage.

b. Counseling could definitely help some couples, those who have problems where they are fighting or bickering about things.

c. Once your partner has built up some resentment for you, that eats away at how they view you and there isn't really any coming back from that.

Taltos

OP - even if the counseling can't save your marriage at this stage I strongly recommend you continue to go - it will help you work through the range of emotions that are going to hit you...

You could and many do try to plod on alone and work through it, but I've seen both sides and those I know who even individually sought help seemed to my eye at least to deal with things a lot better and are stronger for it.

Again - sorry to read your update.

readytosnap

charliestock16 wrote: »

Once your partner has built up some resentment for you, that eats away at how they view you and there isn't really any coming back from that.

Have to agree with that, I am in that situation, I have the resentment and it will never go (long story) but yet I am still married (over 30 yrs now) resentment only over the last 6 years, but I am miserable and I will stay that way till I die, So maybe it is better to find this out earlier rather than later, I know it is no consolation to you but best to move on if that is what one of the couple wants than spend the rest of your life in a futile attempt at returning to married bliss, i think if I had the choice I would take the separation, but at my age there is not a hope in hell of me starting over (over 50) I neither have the time,energy or inclination, I'll just plod along till the end. is that what you really want to do for another 30,40,50, 60 years?
I hope you get what you need, Good Luck.

Ogogo

OP - This sucks and is not a nice or easy situation. Nothing anyone can say to you will likely help much but you can, in fact you will get through this.

Having been in a similar situation myself nearly 20 years ago here are a few of my thoughts;

Right now this may be all consuming - but over time it becomes less so, little by little until eventually its not something that defines you.

It helps (It really helps) to talk. Lean on friends and family if you have them - but - also as Taltos says continue with the counselling. The counselling can help you get a grip on your own feelings on the matter and deal with them while not overburdening your friends / family.

Forget about other relationships for the time being - heal your heart and your head - figure out finally where your marriage is at and take some time out for yourself. If the marriage is really over and you are ready to move on you will know it.

In your 30's dont even think you are shelf material - its 2016 not 1916.....

Stop blaming yourself - dont blame your OH either. Sometimes things dont work out - sometimes they do, its impossible and pointless to apportion blame, if you are looking for cause keep up the counselling.

If you can both work it out in the future - best of luck to you.

If you cant work it out - try and avoid the all out war scenario as you will need to formally separate at some point and the easiest, cheapest and least painful way to do this is by consensus through mediation. If you go to war you will end up in the same place a few years later, possibly tens of thousands less well off (legal fees) and with shorter life expectancies.

Terribly sorry for your situation - be strong....

Joshua5

Hey OP, I think you are being too hard on yourself. A relationship is two way, you might have worked your ass off but that was for your future with her. I don't agree with many of the comments here, I think you're a good guy and I personally think there could be more to this story than you even know.

Without pointing the finger, are you sure there's nobody in her life behind the scenes? Maybe I'm just reading between the lines too much.

You need to think positive, you've worked your ass off, you where about to buy a house.
Separation after a family home and kids are in the relationship is much more difficult.
Count yourself lucky, while it might not seem it now you could have had a lucky escape dude.

charliestock16

Thanks all for the feedback, I think next steps for us is my wife will probably move home, she isn't from Ireland and I'll just try keep busy.