Seemingly endless vicious cycle of 'snapping' and other unpleasantness from my mother

galwayguy85

Hi Guys.

Hoping you can give me some guidance.

My uncle, whom all of all my immediately family were all fond of, died last Friday. It was my first time in all my 31 years that I'd been confronted with death, espec of someone I was genuinely close to. He died of cancer btw.

I have been living with my girlfriend in Germany since July of last year. When I got the news that he was living out his last few days, I dropped everything and came immediately home to Ireland on the next flight. I got the news in the departure lounge the that he had already passed away. Def one of the lowest moments of my life.

I was always conscious of the fact that since about the new year onwards it was already a tough time for my folks and my my uncles own siblings. I came over wanting to to 'tow the line' and do as much as possible for everyone.

My mother and I have a loving but at times needlessly tough relationship. A pattern of behavior that has persisted for years. Whenever I happen to be at home I often have no real choice to but stay indoors or at least on the yard - we live in the countryside and I don't drive. It tends to play out as such… I will be in the house, my mother gets under some pressure about things such as cleaning and washing and so… often when I try to help out she will 'snap' at me over the most minor/domestic of things such as exactly how/when to drain the water from sink and other small things. I feel like an 'escape valve' for her. My younger brother and father or my recently passed away uncle never/seldom got this treatment. They all had tool sheds or trucks to retreat to for most of the day.

I found myself on the receiving end of what you could call physical violence from her during a spell of unemployment in 2010, when I had little choice but to move home. Nothing serious enough to cause actual injury or pain, but I still remember it.

When I try to calmly approach the issue with her she will often get defensive or totally dismissive at best.

Lately, it does feel as though the passing away and burial of my uncle has been used as means of justifying how she acts. To compound things further she will often draw my younger brother in the arguments, to back her up basically. My father just seems to remain calm and somewhat removed from what feels like a daily drama. Christmas, for example, when my uncle was still OK was punctuated with several periods of unrest, again about domestic things most of other folks wouldn't choose to get upset over.

When a period of harmony or peace does arise it seems to be on her terms.

I can hold my hand up and admit that I too sometimes can be difficult towards her, usually on the back of an earlier conflict we've had - hence why it feels like a vicious cycle.

My gf I and live together in the one apartment in the North-West of Germany. She works. I study. There is almost never a conflict about anything of any significance. When we do, we talk about it later and one or other of us apologises and we get on with life. I never have these spats with anybody else in my life. It just seems unique to my mother and I.

To upset me further, my brother was 'having a word' with me earlier and gave the indication that when my girlfriend and I came over to Ireland for a few days over Christmas that we 'took over the place'. Both of us would be regarded otherwise as young professionals. She teaches. I have a background in IT. Anyway, this has made me totally reconsider my relationship with my folks and whether or not we should consider visiting again during her Easter holiday.

The brother's argument for why my mother flies of the handle over little things is that I'm a guest in her house and therefore must do everything as she wants it done. Today for example she asked me register a product online. I happily/cheerfully agreed to, saying that I could do it later in the evening, when I finished another errand. Immediately she snaps at me stating that she never asked for me to it "now" per se. I never suggested that she had asked me to do it "now" either. In retrospect life may have been easier for all, had I given a flat-out "NO" reply! A small upset in the grand schemes of things, but that was already the fourth or fifth snap for that day which I'd been on the receiving end of.

I want nothing more than peace and quite. That fact that life is indeed short was impressed upon me in the harshest way possible his week. I go back to Germany on the 17th Feb. Not long away.

Hope that this hasn't been too wordy!

J Mysterio

<SNIP>

galwayguy85

For your advice I am grateful.

njs030

It sounds like your mother finds it hard having someone different under her feet for weeks on end and disrupting her routine. When you go to someone's house it's best to try and fit in and do things their way especially in times of stress.
Your brother has tried to help you and I'm not sure what the comments about you and your girlfriend being thought of as professionals have to do with anything, maybe talk to him again and ask him what you could do to improve the situation....maybe shorter visits or trying to find a lift to get away and give you and your mother a break from each other.

Honestly Op the thought of someone arriving to my house and being there constantly for weeks makes me feel very snappy too!! Maybe try and look at it from that point of view.

Ursus Horribilis

Seeing as you and your mother have an ongoing difficult relationship, the wisest thing to do is to dial back on the amount of time you spend at home. At this stage of your lives this isn't going to change so it's time to accept that. Even though you said she hadn't been so nasty to any other males in the family, you went on to say that they have sheds and trucks to escape to. Have you ever spoken to your father about this?

I also think you should learn how to drive so that when you do visit, you can hire a car/borrow someone else's one and have the means to come and go as you please. It's not a bad skill to have anyway. Having an "outsider" on the floor for several days can be a trying experience for parents anyway. Given the way your mother behaves, was it really that wise to stay so long or to subject your girlfriend to this. I'm sure she'll have noticed the tensions.

Teyla Emmagan

Yeah, learn to drive so you have options about where to stay when you come home. No one likes someone who is always underfoot. You are not trying to be, by the sound of it, but if you were a bit more independent it might alleviate the pressure on your mother. You have essentially been told that this is the problem. Maybe when you bring your girlfriend home next you could stay in a B&B down the road. You might find it makes a huge difference to your relationship with your mother.

intheclouds

The answer seems obvious to me. Stop staying in your mothers house.

You are 31 years of age. Make alternative arrangements such as a hotel or b&b.

zoobizoo

She has her ways and that is fine but she must accept, as we all must, that no one is going to do things exactly the way we do things - and that the results may not be 100% the way we want them.

Now, her house may be her everything and she has her routine, her way of doing things and anyone or anything upsetting that routine that may upset her.

It's the same as when a husband retires after working for 40-45 years (it's an example)... he is at home between 8.30 and 5.30 for the first time..... he has nothing to do..... the wife has her routine, she's reared the kids and has had her days to herself for the last 20 years.... and here's dad coming with his helpful suggestions: why don't we load the dishwasher this way... let's shop in this shop..... etc etc...

Maybe your dad and your brother don't really help out at home because they know that your mother likes to do things right (her way).

It's up to her to choose that she would rather you there than not there - to prioritise the method of draining a sink over getting along with her son and being an adult and talking about it.

It could be a headspace thing - I get claustrophobic when more than a few of my family members are together... one it goes beyond a certain number, I need to get out of the house.

Did your brother agree with your mother's assessment of the Christmas situation?

Is your mother generally happy?

Neyite

Sometimes in families, there tends to be favourites and scapegoats - do you think this applies to your situation or is it more so that its just a personality clash with you two? Is your brother the golden child? It might change the advice you get here somewhat.

It sounds like the house is 'her' domain, that she is overly particular with the other males in the house leaving her to it and are practised in not getting in her way. Alternatively, it could just be her nitpicking on you because she can. It could even just be menopausal symptoms, depending on her age (no excuse, but maybe a potential reason)

The obvious solution is to minimise your stays at home if possible, or stay elsewhere like a hotel or B&B and just do daily visits. Skype or Facetime more, and when you get the guilt trip about coming home and feel you have to , make it long weekends instead of a few weeks at a time.

It's a shame that she is nitpicking and damaging your relationship with her like this.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi
I have read your post. I am sorry to hear about your mother. To me she sounds like a very down to earth person who has to have everything her way. You should learn how to drive and when you visit stay in a hotel or b&b or even a friends house. If she is all over your brother and is horrible to you it means that your brother is her favourite child. You are 31 years of age you should just have less to do with her and dont come home for Easter instead stay in Germany and make arrangments with your girlfriends mother to stay with her for the Easter. If she treats you like that dont visit her and just either stay with friends or in a hotel when you visit.

galwayguy85

Hi Guys

Thanks for the constructive advise. Regarding my being in the house 'weeks on end' is not really the case. I came on Friday last, the burial was on Tues. I think it would be regarded as bad form was I to just get the flrst available flight out of the country. My brother, not sure if it makes any difference, came over from Australia for the funeral. He flies back on Tues. I on wednesday. Before I left the country, I had until that point been living and working elsewhere here for 5 years.

My remarks about us being 'professionals' was not meant for a moment that I regard myself or my girlfriend as being superior etc. I'm sorry if anybody misinterpreted that.

For driving, i would love to be in that position. However, I have epilepsy.

The brother, father and passed-away uncle are all mechanics. I am a science/IT head. I can't see myself having a 'late vocation' in that particular area!

Regards staying in B&Bs down the road, there simply are none to found in the depths of the country where we live.

I had until this point plans to cook dinner for the entire family this evening (Fri) but I have since made plans to instead get of the house and go up to the city and stay overnight, one as means of seeing my favorite band perform. The other a means of getting away from her.

I will still try to cook this meal as a good will gesture when things calm down on her part a lithe.

Yes, Neyite, I would have to agree with you in that it may be needless nitpicking that could sparking these situations which quickly escalate into banging of doors, shouting and just general unpleasantness. I'm regarded as the aggressor not matter what happens. A bit sad.

galwayguy85

Hi Guys

Thanks for the constructive advise. Regarding my being in the house 'weeks on end' is not really the case. I came on Friday last, the burial was on Tues. I think it would be regarded as bad form was I to just get the flrst available flight out of the country. My brother, not sure if it makes any difference, came over from Australia for the funeral. He flies back on Tues. I on wednesday. Before I left the country, I had until that point been living and working elsewhere here for 5 years.

My remarks about us being 'professionals' was not meant for a moment that I regard myself or my girlfriend as being superior etc. I'm sorry if anybody misinterpreted that.

For driving, i would love to be in that position. However, I have epilepsy.

The brother, father and passed-away uncle are all mechanics. I am a science/IT head. I can't see myself having a 'late vocation' in that particular area!

Regards staying in B&Bs down the road, there simply are none to found in the depths of the country where we live.

I had until this point plans to cook dinner for the entire family this evening (Fri) but I have since made plans to instead get of the house and go up to the city and stay overnight, one as means of seeing my favorite band perform. The other a means of getting away from her.

I will still try to cook this meal as a good will gesture when things calm down on her part a lithe.

Yes, Neyite, I would have to agree with you in that it may be needless nitpicking that could sparking these situations which quickly escalate into banging of doors, shouting and just general unpleasantness. I'm regarded as the aggressor not matter what happens. A bit sad.

galwayguy85

And when the pair of us ever did come to visit the folks we would decamp to a B&B on at least of the weekend. The time we called over prior to Christmas, we went to Castlebar. Great old spot. But staying in a B&B an entire week or is not always practical.

Ursus Horribilis

I can see how it'd become expensive. Perhaps in the future don't come for a week. Or if you do, make plans to visit friends/do some sightseeing. It's a real pity you can't drive because of your epilepsy. I don't suppose your girlfriend would be willing to drive in Ireland?

galwayguy85

I've never posed the question. She works as a teacher so she tends to get longer breaks than the rest of us. She also loves trips to Ireland. I may yet have to.

It may well be the case what the brother said about us 'taking over' is total horse**** that was said to just upset me. The pair of us when we do come over and are in the house we tend to sit and read a book on the Kindle amongst ourselves. Otherwise when the weather is good we'll get out of the house.

Upsetting for all, this 'family dynamic' craic!

galwayguy85

I've never posed the question. She works as a teacher so she tends to get longer breaks than the rest of us. She also loves trips to Ireland. I may yet have to.

It may well be the case what the brother said about us 'taking over' is total horse**** that was said to just upset me. The pair of us when we do come over and are in the house we tend to sit and read a book on the Kindle amongst ourselves. Otherwise when the weather is good we'll get out of the house.

Upsetting for all, this 'family dynamic' craic!

Ursus Horribilis

Perhaps your brother's jealous that you've got a girlfriend and are in a serious relationship? Or your mother is, despite the problems you have. Either way, you're better off not spending too much time in the house. It's probably for the best that you live in Germany most of the time.

kylith

I feel for you OP. My mum is somewhat similar; if you say green she says emerald, if you put something on the table it should be in the cupboard, if you're early you're too early and if you're on time you're late, everything is just slightly wrong. My dad gets the brunt of it.

I think it's a reaction to you growing up and moving away; she's used to telling people what to do and now you are very definitely your own entity and she doesn't know how to handle the dynamic so she tries to treat you like a child and you resent that. I know it's hard but try not to let it get to you. Be as cheerful as you can and ask her how she wants stuff done rather ban doing it how you'd do it in your house.

galwayguy85

Things have calmed somewhat today. I asked if what my brother said was actually true and my parent's totally dismissed it as rubbish.

Thanks for the tips guys.

getaroom

Just my tupence worth - your family are no different to most others out there.

MaroonAndGreen

Have a Google at narcissistic personality disorder OP. I know what I'm talking about

getaroom

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

Have a Google at narcissistic personality disorder OP. I know what I'm talking about

Thats a coincidence, I got a call from my brother who is in therapy to tell me that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, given my previous post,
perhaps its an Irish thing?

Neyite

getaroom wrote: »

Thats a coincidence, I got a call from my brother who is in therapy to tell me that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, given my previous post,
perhaps its an Irish thing?

Not an just Irish Mammy thing

On Mumsnet, a UK website, they have a massive long running thread about toxic parents and a fair few of them suffered with Narc mothers there too. Some of the behaviours they've described, you would not believe. Regular posters often recommend a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I havent read that one myself, but read one about toxic people at a time when I had someone who almost definitely had narc traits in my life, and so much resonated. It made so much click into place for me.

MaroonAndGreen

getaroom wrote:

Thats a coincidence, I got a call from my brother who is in therapy to tell me that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, given my previous post, perhaps its an Irish thing?

Horrible thing to live with, your only hope is to actually cut all ties with the person if they truly are narcissistic, there is no cure

beks101

TBH that sounds really stressful OP and not your fault at all.

I'm not sure I agree with people telling you that you stress your mother out by coming home and you should get out from under her feet. You're her son for gods sake and you live abroad! im a similar age, live abroad and my mother treats me like a queen when I go home, can't do enough for me and still cries when I have to head back. That to me is a normal loving parental reaction to their child coming home. Not barking and snapping and guilting you into leaving.

I'm not sure if it's an option in your case as your relationship with her is already fraught and she clearly has some personality issues, but is it worth your while having a word at some point? Perhaps not this week given the circumstances but maybe next time you're home. "I love coming home to Ireland but I find your reaction to me upsetting every time I do. I feel like I'm in your way all the time although I don't intend to be. How do you feel about it?"

galwayguy85

Thanks beks101. Things are calmer now still and we spoke in the car on the way home from her picking me up in town.

She indirectly acknowledges that she has been unpleasant to me often over the most trivial of matters. Adults snap at each other from time to time, I can accept.

When I try to suggest that her pattern of behavior plays a large role in the tension she tends to shut me off (in the nicest way possible) with some old-school type Irish saying or another.

Calm has been restored to the Kingdom for the while.

galwayguy85

Thanks beks101. Things are calmer now still and we spoke in the car on the way home from her picking me up in town.

She indirectly acknowledges that she has been unpleasant to me often over the most trivial of matters. Adults snap at each other from time to time, I can accept.

When I try to suggest that her pattern of behavior plays a large role in the tension she tends to shut me off (in the nicest way possible) with some old-school type Irish saying or another.

Calm has been restored to the Kingdom for the while.

celligraphy

Sorry op some mothers just don't bind with some of their kids and harsh to say but maybe your mother didn't bond with you . Take it from someone who knows , my mother rings each one of my siblings everyday asking how they are , real talkative to them , I on the other hand openly know she doesnt like me , she loves me but does not like me one bit as a person I annoy her . So I just visit once a week otherwise I 'll hear her complain about to my siblings how my child annoys her by crying ,getting in her way causes her headaches.

It's sad but some people just don't bond

getaroom

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

Horrible thing to live with, your only hope is to actually cut all ties with the person if they truly are narcissistic, there is no cure

Actually I cant say it was a horrible thing to live with. It was normal. We thought everyones house was like that.

MaroonAndGreen

getaroom wrote: »

Actually I cant say it was a horrible thing to live with. It was normal. We thought everyones house was like that.

I was the same until I reached the age of 16-17.. started to realise it wasn't normal. And when we started to realise it wasn't normal and stopped putting up with the manipulation, lies etc she left.

Left and spread horrible lies about being abused by us etc to justify why she left.. I know its a personality disorder and its an illness I suppose... but really, I think narcisstic personality disorder is just a nicer term for evil.