Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

jsms88

StoodUpTooFast wrote: »

Is it wrong/sadistic to take comfort from the fact that other people are going through the same thing?

No, not at all. Don't be so hard on yourself... questioning your motives or whatever. I do that... looking for a problem to have with everything or to feel down about. Embrace the fact that you are not alone. It's a common struggle and it's ok to be part of that and be comforted by others.

Hugo Stiglitz

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Another quiet weekend.

They are some of the best Hugo I've spent the last few hours reading my book in bed. No plans at all apart from maybe heading off for a few hours tomorrow. Sure what could be better than being the Captain of your ship?

Hugo Stiglitz

Deleted User wrote: »

They are some of the best Hugo I've spent the last few hours reading my book in bed. No plans at all apart from maybe heading off for a few hours tomorrow. Sure what could be better than being the Captain of your ship?

I do enjoy my quiet time. It's just that almost every weekend for the last 15 years continually remind me of my nonexistent social life due to my mishandling my initial anxiety by isolating myself from the world. Really beats me down sometimes but it is what it is unfortunately.

Hugo Stiglitz

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

I do enjoy my quiet time. It's just that almost every weekend for the last 15 years continually remind me of my nonexistent social life due to my mishandling my initial anxiety by isolating myself from the world. Really beats me down sometimes but it is what it is unfortunately.

No it isn't what it is. You can get help for your anxiety. Hugo even if you were to do a simple breathing and grounding exercise before heading out the door. Imagine a life where you could enjoy getting out and about and all that goes with living, aren't you worth that?

Tell me how

Hugo Stiglitz wrote:

I do enjoy my quiet time. It's just that almost every weekend for the last 15 years continually remind me of my nonexistent social life due to my mishandling my initial anxiety by isolating myself from the world. Really beats me down sometimes but it is what it is unfortunately.

Deleted User wrote:

No it isn't what it is. You can get help for your anxiety. Hugo even if you were to do a simple breathing and grounding exercise before heading out the door. Imagine a life where you could enjoy getting out and about and all that goes with living, aren't you worth that?

I would like to comment further on what Persepoly said Hugo.

If you started to try to create an ideal weekend for yourself, do you know what it would look like?
Could you pick a tiny element of that and try to move towards it. For example, if one thing you'd love to be able to do was to go to the cinema with friends could you start by just going to the venue on your own, then go home. Next time, go to the venue and go in and walk around the lobby. After that, go to a matinee where it's quiet and then later go at peak time. If you manage to do this, then, when you're more comfortable, you could suggest an outing to friends or colleagues. Even before that step, go with a family member or close friend who knows how difficult you may find it and will be able to support you.

What I'm trying to suggest is that it doesn't have to be a rapid move from safety to an intense environment. Whatever you'd like to be doing but are uncomfortable with could be approached in stages and even if it took a long time, it is entirely reasonable and fair that you try to get there. You are entitled to such experiences as much as anyone.

None of this is to suggest it's easy, but it is possible. Even if it took a long time, that's better than never.

trixiebust

Hugo Stiglitz wrote:

I do enjoy my quiet time. It's just that almost every weekend for the last 15 years continually remind me of my nonexistent social life due to my mishandling my initial anxiety by isolating myself from the world. Really beats me down sometimes but it is what it is unfortunately.

You've just described me

Shpudnik

I've got a busy weekend and I hate it. It's against my norm. I much prefer slow weekends where I can do what I want at my place and not be told what to do.

Feeling pretty down today. I've been in a bad mood because of back pain and I fear I've made lots of people angry at me

trixiebust

On the rare odd occasion I have something like this happening, I find it best to just go with it. Fighting things like social occasions often just make things worse.

Maybe excuse yourself for the loo, or something, sit down, take a few minutes to yourself, calm down & start again ?

I find it works for me when I feel I'm stuck. Even washing my face, it's like I'm cleansing myself & starting over again

Hugo Stiglitz

Thanks for the kind words and advice. I appreciate it.

My anxiety is still here unfortunately but thankfully is has been greatly reduced. My issues have moved more onto depression and other assorted unpleasant things (diagnosis is clinical depression, not sure I agree with that but that's a story for another time!).

My main point before is that the initial anxiety which caused me to isolate myself has caused me so much damage to my personal life. I basically have no social life at all now as I am totally friendless. I was always socially anxious, even as a child and teen, and always needed other people in order to meet new people. So I pretty much have nobody to do stuff with, so I don't do anything really. Rarely venture to the cinema (always feel like a tool when I go alone) and never go to gigs, festivals, pub, eating out etc. I've tried things like meetup.com but it seems that my confidence in social settings has absolutely plummeted. I can't make meaningful connections with anybody. I know I'm coming across as desperate, which again knocks my confidence even further. Those meetups were pretty much my last offensive against all this, and it has been defeat after defeat so far.

Going to gigs or whatever and randomly talking to people just isn't an option for me. I have to be realistic: I'm overweight, no friends, and socially clueless etc. I bring nothing to the table whatsoever. If I wasn't like this and someone like me came up to me, I probably wouldn't want anything to do with that person.

I realise that I'm very defeatist here but it's all I've known for so long now.

At home and work, I try to keep up a brave face about life: make lots of jokes, laughing etc but that's really wearing me down now too. Because of this facade, people presume I'm doing a lot better than I actually am. I'm so close to being absolutely burnt out it's not even funny.

Not sure where I'm going with this post. Think I just needed a vent is all.

Hugo, everything in your post points to one all encompassing issue and that's self-esteem. It's clear to me that you see yourself in a hugely negative light and this is what's holding you back. You have developed over many years a series of self-limiting beliefs. Going to the cinema alone does not make you a loser. Do you see how irrational that is? How it only serves to keep you locked in this place of self-loathing?

Here you come across as a very engaging, funny, and kind man. I know you can be this way in the "real" world too. We haven't met but I can just tell. I know that saying "pull yourself together" isn't helpful but that's exactly what you must do. Take action Hugo. Find a very good and experienced therapist who will help you understand where your low sense of self comes from and support you in building it up.

Keep pushing yourself to really live. Go to the cinema. Take a drive in your car. Pick a quiet pub for a drink. Take these steps and show yourself that you can do it. The social life will come when you are comfortable with who you are.

Trebor176

Good advice there, Persepoly. Hugo, I haven't met you, but know you from this, and to engage with via messaging, and you come across as a friendly, good humoured guy. I know you have described certain situations to me where you have felt that perhaps you couldn't go through with meeting with others. It is understandable, especially if you might only be meeting them for the first time. I can be the same as well. But, you shouldn't let the anxiety get the better of you. I'm sure if you did meet up with others, you'd have a great time.

Going to the cinema alone is quite common, so don't feel that you're a 'tool' for going alone. Loads do it, and the same with going to concerts alone, or whatever. People go to these things alone for many reasons. For example, they might just want to get out for the while, they might be the only one from a group of friends, who want to see a particular movie, etc. The same would apply to music. Not everyone in a social group like the same music, or the same things. Just go for it! You'll be fine

On another note, I had another counselling session today, and probably my last one for the foreseeable, depending. It was mostly about work-related issues, and just trying to overcome some things. My original issue hasn't quite gone away, but is getting better. There is always the fear, though, of things resurfacing big time again. But, I will do my best to prevent things like that from happening again. The question now is whether I need more sessions, but it's up to me. I'll give it a few days to decide, but I just feel that most things have been covered. I guess if I have those thoughts again, I can always go back. But, the sessions have been very helpful.

Vela

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Thanks for the kind words and advice. I appreciate it.

My anxiety is still here unfortunately but thankfully is has been greatly reduced. My issues have moved more onto depression and other assorted unpleasant things (diagnosis is clinical depression, not sure I agree with that but that's a story for another time!).

My main point before is that the initial anxiety which caused me to isolate myself has caused me so much damage to my personal life. I basically have no social life at all now as I am totally friendless. I was always socially anxious, even as a child and teen, and always needed other people in order to meet new people. So I pretty much have nobody to do stuff with, so I don't do anything really. Rarely venture to the cinema (always feel like a tool when I go alone) and never go to gigs, festivals, pub, eating out etc. I've tried things like meetup.com but it seems that my confidence in social settings has absolutely plummeted. I can't make meaningful connections with anybody. I know I'm coming across as desperate, which again knocks my confidence even further. Those meetups were pretty much my last offensive against all this, and it has been defeat after defeat so far.

Going to gigs or whatever and randomly talking to people just isn't an option for me. I have to be realistic: I'm overweight, no friends, and socially clueless etc. I bring nothing to the table whatsoever. If I wasn't like this and someone like me came up to me, I probably wouldn't want anything to do with that person.

I realise that I'm very defeatist here but it's all I've known for so long now.

At home and work, I try to keep up a brave face about life: make lots of jokes, laughing etc but that's really wearing me down now too. Because of this facade, people presume I'm doing a lot better than I actually am. I'm so close to being absolutely burnt out it's not even funny.

Not sure where I'm going with this post. Think I just needed a vent is all.

I know I don't post here much, in fact - only the once really - but I had to reply to this. I immediately recognised your username because of the welcome you gave me a while back, and from seeing your posts on here. You're a kind, caring, and compassionate person. And you deserve more. I'm all for being realistic, I hate this "oh it'll all be fine, visualise a better life" bullsh1t, BUT I genuinely think there's at least a small window for improvement left for you even if you can't see it yet. The things you consider as bad traits, aren't the worst of traits. So you're a bit of a loner, so what? I am too. And I own that - I love going to the movies alone and spending the weekend on my own. As for being overweight, honestly, no-one cares. Your weight doesn't have anything to do with who you are as a person. It might affect who's interested in you romantically (i.e. if someone is a bit shallow or is just into really skinny dudes), but it's not going to be something that gets in the way of friendships unless you let it by letting your insecurities take over.

I completely get the part about having to act all fine around people, it's beyond draining and it's soul destroying when you're dying on the inside. But it's also a sign of strength. I know people harp on about how strong you have to be to speak out about your mental health, but I honestly think that some of the strongest people are those who choose to deal with it without telling the world about it. The people who just get on with their lives and who keep just getting on. That's strength. And you're doing it every day. I admire you for that. It's one of the hardest burdens to bear and you're still doing it. And you're still breathing. And you're still here caring about other people who have to do it too. That's strength. That's someone I'd want to be friends with. That's someone I'd be honoured to be friends with.

Don't do anything you don't want to do, but if you're truly unhappy about the state of your social life, then try to do something to change it - even the smallest of things. You deserve to be happy. Don't give up on that. Or yourself.

veganrun

Feeling mostly ok at the moment but sometimes have that feeling of "Don't get too happy and content, you never know what might ruin your good mood.". I'm heading to Dublin tomorrow for the ComicCon and I'm a bit nervous. Not dreading it nervous, just a bit nervous/excited but then my brain goes into overdrive and I start to worry about things.

I also have health anxiety so any little twinge or feeling tired or anything causes me to assume the worst.

It's funny how things go. We have a parish priest and I was often envious of him as he always seemed so happy and always in a good mood. Then we found out he's taking time off as he's been going through a very stressful time recently. Just goes to show you never really know what's going on with people and they might not be as happy as they seem.

Hope everyone on here is doing ok.

Hugo Stiglitz

Deleted User wrote: »

Hugo, everything in your post points to one all encompassing issue and that's self-esteem. It's clear to me that you see yourself in a hugely negative light and this is what's holding you back. You have developed over many years a series of self-limiting beliefs. Going to the cinema alone does not make you a loser. Do you see how irrational that is? How it only serves to keep you locked in this place of self-loathing?

Here you come across as a very engaging, funny, and kind man. I know you can be this way in the "real" world too. We haven't met but I can just tell. I know that saying "pull yourself together" isn't helpful but that's exactly what you must do. Take action Hugo. Find a very good and experienced therapist who will help you understand where your low sense of self comes from and support you in building it up.

Keep pushing yourself to really live. Go to the cinema. Take a drive in your car. Pick a quiet pub for a drink. Take these steps and show yourself that you can do it. The social life will come when you are comfortable with who you are.

Trebor176 wrote: »

Good advice there, Persepoly. Hugo, I haven't met you, but know you from this, and to engage with via messaging, and you come across as a friendly, good humoured guy. I know you have described certain situations to me where you have felt that perhaps you couldn't go through with meeting with others. It is understandable, especially if you might only be meeting them for the first time. I can be the same as well. But, you shouldn't let the anxiety get the better of you. I'm sure if you did meet up with others, you'd have a great time.

Going to the cinema alone is quite common, so don't feel that you're a 'tool' for going alone. Loads do it, and the same with going to concerts alone, or whatever. People go to these things alone for many reasons. For example, they might just want to get out for the while, they might be the only one from a group of friends, who want to see a particular movie, etc. The same would apply to music. Not everyone in a social group like the same music, or the same things. Just go for it! You'll be fine

On another note, I had another counselling session today, and probably my last one for the foreseeable, depending. It was mostly about work-related issues, and just trying to overcome some things. My original issue hasn't quite gone away, but is getting better. There is always the fear, though, of things resurfacing big time again. But, I will do my best to prevent things like that from happening again. The question now is whether I need more sessions, but it's up to me. I'll give it a few days to decide, but I just feel that most things have been covered. I guess if I have those thoughts again, I can always go back. But, the sessions have been very helpful.

Vela wrote: »

I know I don't post here much, in fact - only the once really - but I had to reply to this. I immediately recognised your username because of the welcome you gave me a while back, and from seeing your posts on here. You're a kind, caring, and compassionate person. And you deserve more. I'm all for being realistic, I hate this "oh it'll all be fine, visualise a better life" bullsh1t, BUT I genuinely think there's at least a small window for improvement left for you even if you can't see it yet. The things you consider as bad traits, aren't the worst of traits. So you're a bit of a loner, so what? I am too. And I own that - I love going to the movies alone and spending the weekend on my own. As for being overweight, honestly, no-one cares. Your weight doesn't have anything to do with who you are as a person. It might affect who's interested in you romantically (i.e. if someone is a bit shallow or is just into really skinny dudes), but it's not going to be something that gets in the way of friendships unless you let it by letting your insecurities take over.

I completely get the part about having to act all fine around people, it's beyond draining and it's soul destroying when you're dying on the inside. But it's also a sign of strength. I know people harp on about how strong you have to be to speak out about your mental health, but I honestly think that some of the strongest people are those who choose to deal with it without telling the world about it. The people who just get on with their lives and who keep just getting on. That's strength. And you're doing it every day. I admire you for that. It's one of the hardest burdens to bear and you're still doing it. And you're still breathing. And you're still here caring about other people who have to do it too. That's strength. That's someone I'd want to be friends with. That's someone I'd be honoured to be friends with.

Don't do anything you don't want to do, but if you're truly unhappy about the state of your social life, then try to do something to change it - even the smallest of things. You deserve to be happy. Don't give up on that. Or yourself.

Thanks for the kind things you all said.

I try to be a friendly person but I feel like I'm very toxic deep down. This has caused me so much trouble in all kinds of relationships. I think that my personality is to blame for all my relationship issues. Like you know the saying "If you're having problems with a lot of people, chances are that you're the issue!", that pretty much sums up me. Like where does one even begin to tackle that, especially when one doesn't even know what they're doing wrong.

There's so much I need to sort out in my life, and it seems like it could be overwhelming. I feel that there's no guarantee that if I change everything wrong with me that it'll fix anything. I honestly feel that there's no a lot of hope unfortunately. At this stage, I'd even just settle for being content as a loner.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

veganrun wrote: »

Feeling mostly ok at the moment but sometimes have that feeling of "Don't get too happy and content, you never know what might ruin your good mood.". I'm heading to Dublin tomorrow for the ComicCon and I'm a bit nervous. Not dreading it nervous, just a bit nervous/excited but then my brain goes into overdrive and I start to worry about things.

Hope you got on well at Comic Con, VR!

Vela

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Thanks for the kind things you all said.

I try to be a friendly person but I feel like I'm very toxic deep down. This has caused me so much trouble in all kinds of relationships. I think that my personality is to blame for all my relationship issues. Like you know the saying "If you're having problems with a lot of people, chances are that you're the issue!", that pretty much sums up me. Like where does one even begin to tackle that, especially when one doesn't even know what they're doing wrong.

There's so much I need to sort out in my life, and it seems like it could be overwhelming. I feel that there's no guarantee that if I change everything wrong with me that it'll fix anything. I honestly feel that there's no a lot of hope unfortunately. At this stage, I'd even just settle for being content as a loner.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.



Hope you got on well at Comic Con, VR!

I understand the feeling of overwhelm. Sometimes you simply do have a ton of **** going on and there's nothing you can do about it. When that happens, all you can do is take each hour as it comes and not think too far ahead. I do that every day. If I didn't, I'd be having panic attacks every half hour.

I don't think that you feeling like you're the 'common denominator' - so to speak - is the right way to look at your friendship situation. There are two types of people in this world; the type who sail on through it oblivious to what goes on as long everything is good for them and they're happy, and the type who either experience tough times or recognize that life isn't all rosy for everyone all of the time. If you're friends with the first type of person, they may not be able to handle seeing life in all its ****ed up glory and distance themselves from you because of that. That's not your fault. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, it just means that you might be reaching out to the wrong people.

Remember, just because you've known someone for years it doesn't mean you have to be friends with them. We outgrow people. We change. And some people never change at all. The thing about mental illness and trauma is that it changes you so irrevocably that your own view of the world gets turns on its head. You realise how trivial some things are and you can easily end up with this disdain for people who don't see the world the way you do. That's been my experience, at least. Most of the people in my life now are people I've been since everything changed - i.e. since my trauma and my issues began - and they are incredible people. The people who were there before that? They're mostly all gone. Do I feel sad about that sometimes? Sure. But they're not the kind of people I want in my life. I like tolerant, kind, empathetic souls who have lived life. They're the people I surround myself with.

All you have to do is find those people. And it takes time, but you will. They're there. And alot of them are right here.

Hugo Stiglitz

Vela wrote: »

I understand the feeling of overwhelm. Sometimes you simply do have a ton of **** going on and there's nothing you can do about it. When that happens, all you can do is take each hour as it comes and not think too far ahead. I do that every day. If I didn't, I'd be having panic attacks every half hour.

I don't think that you feeling like you're the 'common denominator' - so to speak - is the right way to look at your friendship situation. There are two types of people in this world; the type who sail on through it oblivious to what goes on as long everything is good for them and they're happy, and the type who either experience tough times or recognize that life isn't all rosy for everyone all of the time. If you're friends with the first type of person, they may not be able to handle seeing life in all its ****ed up glory and distance themselves from you because of that. That's not your fault. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, it just means that you might be reaching out to the wrong people.

Remember, just because you've known someone for years it doesn't mean you have to be friends with them. We outgrow people. We change. And some people never change at all. The thing about mental illness and trauma is that it changes you so irrevocably that your own view of the world gets turns on its head. You realise how trivial some things are and you can easily end up with this disdain for people who don't see the world the way you do. That's been my experience, at least. Most of the people in my life now are people I've been since everything changed - i.e. since my trauma and my issues began - and they are incredible people. The people who were there before that? They're mostly all gone. Do I feel sad about that sometimes? Sure. But they're not the kind of people I want in my life. I like tolerant, kind, empathetic souls who have lived life. They're the people I surround myself with.

All you have to do is find those people. And it takes time, but you will. They're there. And alot of them are right here.

Very well put there, Vela.

I definitely overthink things and am always thinking too far ahead. I will try to take things as they come.

I think it is an awful shame Hugo that you have resigned yourself to this state of being.

Hugo Stiglitz

Deleted User wrote: »

I think it is an awful shame Hugo that you have resigned yourself to this state of being.

Not yet, P. I'll go down kicking and scratching!

Thanks for all your help, guys. It's given a lot to think about, and has spurred me on a little bit to keep on trying.

PressRun

Have you ever considered organising a meet up of people involved in this thread?
I know in After Hours they sometimes have pint gatherings. Perhaps something similar here could be organised, maybe not alcohol-related, but meeting for lunch or a coffee or going to see a film together? I know it could be extremely anxiety-provoking for some, but it could be a good way of meeting people and getting out of the house. You're also meeting people who are in a similar situation to you so there is an element of understanding and you don't have to pretend to be any other way.

Shpudnik

^^^^^
Not a chance could I do that. I'm terrified of meeting my friends sometimes, no way could I meet a group of strangers.

Gremlinertia

PressRun wrote: »

Have you ever considered organising a meet up of people involved in this thread?
I know in After Hours they sometimes have pint gatherings. Perhaps something similar here could be organised, maybe not alcohol-related, but meeting for lunch or a coffee or going to see a film together? I know it could be extremely anxiety-provoking for some, but it could be a good way of meeting people and getting out of the house. You're also meeting people who are in a similar situation to you so there is an element of understanding and you don't have to pretend to be any other way.

We have actually looked at that a few times but as you correctly observed the anxiety has put most off. You are more than welcome to start a meetup thread though..

I think a meet up is a brilliant idea Pressrun.

Vela

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Very well put there, Vela.

I definitely overthink things and am always thinking too far ahead. I will try to take things as they come.

I know it's easier said than done!

Hugo Stiglitz

Vela wrote: »

I know it's easier said than done!

It always is unfortunately! Haha


Regarding a meetup. I'd be up for it.

jsms88

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Like you know the saying "If you're having problems with a lot of people, chances are that you're the issue!", that pretty much sums up me.

I've often wondered similar. Why does it take me so long to connect with people? I'm told that people find me standoffish and grumpy as first impression but all I want is to be chatty and likeable.

But people are different. Simple as that. Some people find it easy, others don't.

I don't really let it bother me anymore.... to be honest I've plenty other more troubling things to drive my anxiety these days! :-D

veganrun

ComicCon went quite well.

Feeling a bit nervous this morning, not why. My mind is starting to overthink again and remember similar times when I was unhappy and anxious.

snowflaker

veganrun wrote: »

ComicCon went quite well.

Feeling a bit nervous this morning, not why. My mind is starting to overthink again and remember similar times when I was unhappy and anxious.

Delighted to hear comincon went well. Try to not overreflect right now and just ride out this bad period.

jsms88

veganrun wrote: »

ComicCon went quite well.

Feeling a bit nervous this morning, not why. My mind is starting to overthink again and remember similar times when I was unhappy and anxious.

Yea, this morning hasn't been very good for me so far. Trying to distract myself....

Hugo Stiglitz

jsms88 wrote: »

Yea, this morning hasn't been very good for me so far. Trying to distract myself....

Hope things improve there soon.

Gremlinertia

A real post work crash happening here.. Feckin monday folks :mad: