Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

Hugo Stiglitz

Fuko200 wrote: »

First post so I'm nervous.
I haven't really slept since Tuesday, today being another all nighter.
I feel like I'm not going anywhere in life, I struggle to leave my bedroom to even go down to the kitchen, spend most of the day crying. I try to do things but I can't even find the motivation to do so.
I suffer from clinical depression, severe anxiety and at the moment I'm being tested for BPD and schizotypal disorder but I won't find out till I'm 25 - since "my brain is put developed enough". I feel lost since I was previously diagnosed with aspergers, only to find out that it was a misdiagnosis and took seven years for the hse to figure out they never did the testing for it, so the therapist guessed or something. I'm scared that i won't be able to function in society, and I don't even have a leaving cert or proper qualifications due to all of my issues
I won't even be able to see my therapist till November since I'm booked for every 3 months for some odd reason.

Welcome to the thread.

Fuko200

Tell me how wrote: »

^^
I do find myself having very vivid memories of experiences from when I was younger. Most often, the emotion associated with the experience at the time is something which I feel I'm lacking now. Nearly comes as a shock when I remind myself how long ago the original experience happened and yet I recall it so vividly (seemingly). These can happen without an obvious trigger but I can usually link them to current goings on. Haven't broached them with a therapist.

You seem to have a good handle on the fact that you're finding current life difficult and revert (mentally) to a time when you felt safe.

I am confused somewhat as to why your therapist doesn't make much of it. Maybe they see looking back as pointless, and it's the future we need to concentrate on. I would have thought they'd acknowledge the possible reasons for these memories being triggered to allow you to then look at the root cause.

My therapist tended to do the same thing regarding ignoring when you mention the past and focused on the future, although the reason I'm suffering so badly is due to the lack of a childhood and other family issues. I didn't have a fun time in primary nor secondary, being mostly bullied and mistreated by students and teachers. I couldn't leave my house to play like the others or I'll be bullied by those on my road too, so spent most time in my room being pushed out by my sister who I shared a room with to downstairs where my parents wouldn't focus on me.

The therapist would ignore the fact that a lot of my issues comes down from abuse both from family, others and a lack of trust due to these, instead focusing on me taking medication and feeding thoughts that I hate/blame myself, which I don't.

Fuko200

trixiebust wrote: »

Thanks for the kind words. Didn't do it this time, have to go back again in a week or two & will do it for then. Got out what I could anyway.

Try writing how you feel throughout the day up until the day of your appointment, and the night before read over and pin point the similar occupancies between them or issues that cause them and bring it to your session, I tried for a whole and it kinda works.

Hugo Stiglitz

kiddums wrote: »

My mood is down the toilet today. I just want to flip my desk over, walk out of work and hide under my duvet for the next few weeks.

I know the feeling!

Hugo Stiglitz

trixiebust wrote: »

Thanks for the kind words. Didn't do it this time, have to go back again in a week or two & will do it for then. Got out what I could anyway.

You'll get it in time. Best of luck at the next appointment.

TrustedApple

Well the past week has been fantastic for me.

I am burned out and just won't go cry in a ball.

My girlfriend can't understand my depression at all. I keep trying but it does not work at all. I just fell like crap

Hugo Stiglitz

TrustedApple wrote: »

Well the past week has been fantastic for me.

I am burned out and just won't go cry in a ball.

My girlfriend can't understand my depression at all. I keep trying but it does not work at all. I just fell like crap

Sorry to hear that things are all over the place there, TA.

Any plans for the weekend? I think you should treat yourself to something. A little pick me up might be in order.

Shpudnik

Feeling so alone right now

TrustedApple

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Sorry to hear that things are all over the place there, TA.

Any plans for the weekend? I think you should treat yourself to something. A little pick me up might be in order.

Majorly work wise I am like did I bite of more then I can handle.

Nope just to try and fix my Mac for the 2nd time.

I think something nice might be order

Hugo Stiglitz

TrustedApple wrote: »

Majorly work wise I am like did I bite of more then I can handle.

Nope just to try and fix my Mac for the 2nd time.

I think something nice might be order

Work can be such a source of hassle unfortunately. I'm sure others here can agree with that.

Even something small like your favourite food like a pizza or Chinese, Indian etc.

TrustedApple

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Work can be such a source of hassle unfortunately. I'm sure others here can agree with that.

Even something small like your favourite food like a pizza or Chinese, Indian etc.

The problem is only one in the department for emea and any contact I have is the other side of the world so I am looking after things for emea and the USA from 8.30 to 3 every day single handed and 4 projects on top of that one of them is making sure India do there job right as well.

Barely in the door 2 months and so much is just trown at me and I have no clue what to do. I realised I closed 400 tickets in 3 weeks ......

I miss the days I tell people to turn and on off there computers was so much easyer.

My deslexa is also all ways going to be a issue in this role to on top of things I do have the software to help me and I use it none stop.

Hugo Stiglitz

TrustedApple wrote: »

The problem is only one in the department for emea and any contact I have is the other side of the world so I am looking after things for emea and the USA from 8.30 to 3 every day single handed and 4 projects on top of that one of them is making sure India do there job right as well.

Barely in the door 2 months and so much is just trown at me and I have no clue what to do. I realised I closed 400 tickets in 3 weeks ......

I miss the days I tell people to turn and on off there computers was so much easyer.

My deslexa is also all ways going to be a issue in this role to on top of things I do have the software to help me and I use it none stop.

That fact that you don't let your deslexa hold you back speaks volumes for your work ethic and abilities.

veganrun

Think I am back to normal now. When I say normal I mean having pulled out of the nosedive of Thursday and feeling somewhat relaxed and ok. I sort of thought to myself at the time "if things get better I am going to stop sweating the small stuff and try to relax more". I have a presentation to do on Monday in front of about 10 people, including one who will be my new manager. Although it will be his very first day so I am hoping he doesn't start asking awkward questions and I'm thinking he will be like most people in a new job, not knowing whats going on! There will be more senior managers than him there but ironically they will already know almost everything I will be talking about so hopefully it will go ok.

TrustedApple

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

That fact that you don't let your deslexa hold you back speaks volumes for your work ethic and abilities.

I really do think work wise I have taken on more then what I can do.

Like my job is about emails my issue is grammar and always will be. I proofread emails like no tomorrow and I still let little mistakes in This makes me over think none stop about understanding things.

I have only had one issue with it and this guy works in the US and he is a former police officer he went and emailed my manager over my grammar over something as to be fair I only asked him to do what I was told to do. To make it worse he highlighted my issues with my dyslexia this is quite bad. I went and showed my Manager right away saying he missed 1/2 the chat we had and it was me saying sorry and asking him what would you like me to do in case we have an issue again. I said sorry to my manager over it and said I will take notes and do up templates for him the next time I have to deal with him.

Now, this is just going over and over and over in my head and it's making me go mad. The overthinking.

As I just wont to be perfect and not make mistakes. I do understand how everything works but I am wondering I should have slowed down on my projects that I am taking on. As I realised I am doing the work of about 5 people of the USA team.

RabbleRouser2k

Hi everyone, I'm new to this topic, been lurking for the last week and a bit. (Initially reluctant to post because of the fear of 'being found out' and it's still personal)

A bit about me-suffer with Clinical depression, OCD and Anxiety. For the most part, was doing pretty well-then the last 19 months hit, and it's been a crap fest.
I've had Depression for most of my life, first started taking medication when I was 15, stopped after about 6 months or a year, then went back on it at 19/20. All in all, been on Prozac for a good 15 years or so. (40 mg, a low enough dose-it was once 60 mg, but after a while my doc reduced it). During that time, I got a lot of support from my family, even if they didn't quite understand it. I did get stronger. My my dad got ill, and was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died-over ten years ago. (It was brutal, for sure).

After he passed, I enrolled on a course for 12 months to get into college (my LC points weren't enough) and initially I was happy-but after about 2 years I found the programme lacking. Modules were dropped/ cancelled year on year-when some of these were what I had signed up for. I stayed in the programme, but my Depression flared up badly in 4th year. I was in final Year Project, in a group totaling 4 people. After a few months, they stopped talking or answering texts-Instead, 3 of em would hang out, get stoned (claim they couldn't answer texts cos they were 'busy'). With deadlines approaching, and needing time to do good work on this and other assignments, they left them all pass by (my role in the project needed constant communication, due to rendering and weeks for editing. Instead, the work was thrown on me in a scale that was beyond anyone's capacity-but I did about 75 percent of it in final-but they removed it, so it wasn't included, despite being in a demo). In the middle of this, my last grand parent and grandmother passed away-and that was heart wrenching as I was very close to her. I returned to work on the project (a week later, funeral and so on), but again, the work and messages were ignored. One night I almost had a break down, as the group were demanding stuff overnight that would take weeks to finalised and render (video, programming and editing). I called my mom and brother, and was stammering and stuttering (I never do this) trying to talk. The project failed, and despite constantly telling lecturers there were problems, I was blamed, and I failed the degree (as did 2 of my group-one guy miraculously passed despite not doing the paper work). I tried to repeat-and months went by and no repeat turned up. Calls to the college were met with 'so and so is on holiday'. Months later I was called in about repeating, but I suspected something was up. I went in once, and then the college wanted me to go in again. I suspected that one of the others in the group had failed, and they were trying to get me to work with them, to repeat. I didn't go back, and my suspicions were right-I found the person on facebook, graduating at the same time I would have, based on repeating. So no degree there.

I applied to a different program-one I wanted, got in, and was doing alright again-but 2 years into it, the people I was living with moved out. (Work related-nothing I did-think one moved in with his girlfriend) And new roommates moved in-one was pretty decent, the other was the devil incarnate. She had mental health problems, had tried to take her own life (Said that one night while she was drunk-it was months before), and constantly drank and was abusive (she tried to overdose on her anti-depressants, so the docs would not give her more). She continuously brought around people, started claiming other room mate and me were making noise, would get verbally and physically abusive (slammed my laptop shut, punched her ex girlfriend, shouting and roaring her head off) and then accused me of horrific things, homophobia being the least of her accusations (it hurt most, as I have friends and relatives who are gay/ lesbian). All the calls to the landlord to tell him about these problems went unanswered/ excused, until one night she decided to have a party, brought her friends around (it was a Tuesday, first I learned of it was when her friends turned up) punched a friend giving her a very black eye, and her friends proceeded to wreck the upstairs bathroom, and her room-getting sick and just ruining the place. She was evicted, but the landlord blamed me for her behaviour. (She also left without paying some bills-which he tried to get me to get back/ pay for-I refused).
New roommate moved in, just out of college, then left after 6 months-she went to do a Post-grad, the landlord became even more intolerant-blamed me again. Started telling me I could not have my laptop in the kitchen or anywhere, despite needing it to work (internet in the main college would shut down without warning). No such ban on other roommates. He then threatened me with a final warning, and said I'd be evicted. I had to get onto threshold, but my work was suffering-lecturers telling me I was going to fail because I couldn't get work done and the stuff I did was shoddy. I got a sick note from my doctor for an extension on stuff, but by this point I was stressed and worried.

One night i was in such a state-I was out of it on the phone, my brother called the guards because he was worried about me. I had to leave that college too-tbh, I think if I had not gone through everything, I might have finished-but it got too bad to continue.

As it is, I'm at home now-with my mom and bro, no job, and probably going to have to sign on again. It's been a rough almost two years. And some days I just stay in bed.
Definitely have to try and get a counsellor or something to talk through with my issues. And work, I'd like to get some part time work, to just enable some form of independence.

(Apologies, this was a long post).

7 Seconds...

RabbleRouser2k wrote: »

No apologies needed, hope writing it down has helped. This is a great place for getting things or your chest & or to just a good old rant when needed. Hope things improve for you:).

Shpudnik

Having another really bad day of it. Not having anyone to talk to makes it harder. Everyone is in a foul mood with me.

TrustedApple

Join the club with a bad day work 50 hour weeks then 10 hour traveling on top of that. Get 2 days off. Girlfirend says to me it's your own fault that you work like this and that you ok ked the job that only gives you 2 days off.

Runs around all day for her since 12 to get her stuff so I can bake for her not happy and balmes me for everything again. I start every fight I do everything wrong.

I need to move out and get away from her she's a nasty person I just Won't to be in a ball and she screams at me. I As I her to leave me alone and I can't as it's all ways about me

Fuko200

Just had a anxiety attack while working on a commission for someone, nothing even happened to cause it.

veganrun

Sth similar happened to me years ago. Was a few days after I was told I was being let go by my company. I thought I was over the shock, had started looking for work the boom, 5 days later an anxiety/panic attack.

If you haven't slept well, that can trigger it, or eating badly.

I'm feeling a little on edge myself at the moment even though I promised myself I would relax more. So I'm going out for a cycle to nip it in the bud.

Fuko200

Well, I suffer from insomonia and I only got 2 hours sleep and functioning on it, so that might cause it.
I'm gonna focus on finishing my art to help calm me down, a walk would be nice but I'm scared of going outside my room ^^"

veganrun

Sometimes getting outside or doing something manual and physical can help. I’m just back from 10 miles on the bike and I’m not feeling on edge really anymore (touch wood) but I am feeling a bit down. I was home this weekend and came back today. I always feel bad leaving my mother and sister there, or when I think of them living there just the two of them. I don’t know why I feel so bad/guilty about it at times. Maybe I feel like I should spend more time there, although I do go home every few weeks if not more often.

I’m struggling to understand why I have anxiety and low mood from time to time. I was always a worrier growing up but I don’t know why it’s got worse. Well that’s not strictly true, I had a very hard time in 2012 which tipped me over the edge, but what I don’t understand is why I can’t get back to how I was before. Or not so much can’t (as I don’t want to limit myself), but why I’m not “back to normal”

I’m a bit apprehensive about tomorrow as we have some senior people over from the US at work and I am doing a presentation in front of them tomorrow afternoon. While I’m not dreading it and I expect it to go ok as most of the group already know what I’m going to say, I would still rather not do it. We also have a new manager starting tomorrow and if anything that’s what I’m more bothered about. I keep trying to think to myself “relax, he’s the one who should be nervous, starting a new job, having 10+ people reporting to him who he doesn’t know and will hopefully get on his side”. But then I think “ah he will just breeze in and not be one bit nervous and could be a total p****”.

The only thing I know for sure is that myself and at least one other person on the team are waiting to see what this guy is like before deciding whether to look for a new job.

But then my emotions are so up and down, sometimes I feel overwhelmed, especially at the thought of doing something new, like thinking I can’t do it and can’t cope. Much more than I ever would have in the past.

Fuko200

I used to be able to cope when I was younger, but when I started secondary my emotions just went. I was getting sick and panicky everyday for random reasons, and the school didn't really care. I eventually left after I was pushed to the edge by a teacher and ended up doing a course. First day I joined I didn't even stay for an hour because I nearly got sick in the room from anxiety. I ended up barely passing since I spent most of my time crying, breaking down or in the hse for appointments. I then failed my level 5 which made me feel horrible, even more so when I put a lot of effort and any time I could into it, even making myself worse to get a pass. I broke my ankle within a week of the new year, which I'm still having issues with now. I ended up in a wheelchair for a month and wasn't allowed back into the building, so I ended up stuck at home having my gf take care of me since my parents felt it was a chore. When I did get back I struggled, and the people who talked and didn't bother got all the help, while I was ignored and eventually gave up once I realised I was doomed to fail. Nowadays I'm barely keeping myself, mostly fazed out and crying or asleep - my gf is encouraging me to sell my artwork since I have no income and can't work due to my mental health, so at least i have that to do something and take my mind of everything.

I worry a lot and wish I could go back to when I didn't care about everything, and yet I can't.

I hope your presentation goes well tomorrow, and maybe wait until you see how the manager is? Sometimes it takes a while for them to actually show what they can do since they are trying to fit in with people and stuff.

veganrun

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I finished secondary school a long time ago but I did completely s*** in my exams. I got D’s and E’s in everything and thought my life was over. I was in tears when I got my results and figured I would never get a job. Now I have worked for some of the biggest companies in the world and those initial fears were completely wrong, so don’t let school crap bother you.

Thanks, hope things go well myself.

Fuko200

I don't really care about the whole school thing anymore, it's just people I know are currently in college or rubbing the fact in my face etc so it irritates me

Shpudnik

At least you guys are out of school

Fuko200

Out of school yet stuck in a room.

Hugo Stiglitz

I'd really love a distraction from my head. What I wouldn't give for it right now.

Gremlinertia

Same here Hugo, quite anxious the last few days, i've only just noticed how much i've been chewing my lip and back muscles all messed up too. I'm listening to music i don't know to see if i will concentrate on that..

Steverachmad

Fuko200 wrote: »

Out of school yet stuck in a room.

I failed every maths exam I sat , I used to beat myself up , I've a good job , all degrees & certs tell an employer is that your willing to see something through,I've mates in finance no degrees and are flying , don't beat yourself up , get out of the house, fair play for putting your heart out there , respect ! I'm almost 50 now and the horrors of secondary school , I laugh now , c'mon you've a lot to give !