Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

veganrun

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Was awake half the night ruminating like crazy. I'm about to go to work now with almost zero sleep. I'm such a disaster.

That was kind of me on Sunday night. I’m not sure I even slept as I remember seeing the clock at different stages and I think I was awake from about 4 or 5 onwards.

TrustedApple

Have to face work no idea what to expect another mess from what I done.

E.g. audit we told no one we where doing on and I am blocking people from computer's that they are not post to have and some how they call me screaming at me !!!!.

Just because John left the company does not mean you can have his old work laptop as a 2nd laptop for yourself as you don't like yours ....

Gremlinertia

Freaking out a bit, was at a wedding at the weekend. Nothing went wrong but I'm utterly convinced that I've done something awful or i don't know.. Oh my brain.

Fuko200

RabbleRouser2k wrote: »

Yeah, people think 'oh, wow, it's so great'...it's not. You get put into group projects, a lot of them, where they claim it's to 'help you in the work environment later' but instead, it's so they take less time to correct assignments-and individual projects are pushed on the backburner, so the quality suffers. IF you get a lynda or pluralsights account, you can pretty much learn whatever you need. And youtube as well-because many instructors just download those, then put them in a powerpoint. OR they use books you can get in a library.

Also, despite the campaigns, despite all the 'supposed' supports-there really is very little help for mental illness or wellbeing. I had more help with a flu, than someone I know did with a total nervous breakdown. You kind of have to mind your own wellbeing, be it getting a therapist or consulting a counsellor (something I plan to do). And the understanding of mental illness varies-some are understanding-like, 'you'll get over this, you're good at stuff' while others treat it like a migraine-ie temporary, not an ongoing condition. As soon as you come back, after having a cert to say you were sick, they pile on the pressure for the time you missed because you had a depression episode. (A doctor's cert is always needed-some need it for a cold even).
I'd like to get a qualification in the future-but my mind and my mind health is important to me. I'm fortunate to have my LC and PLC's to apply. And even then, one can always do another PLC.

You're not the only one who gets angry, tbh. But I also have friends with qualifications who thought they would be happy when they did. And instead, it compounded their misery. And others are qualified and working in fast food restaurants. Or retrained. Your path in life is different, so is everyone's-but some of us are angrier about our paths.
(I also get angry when I hear that brought up-education I mean. I don't know why. Maybe because most successful people in the world are from varied backgrounds. There's this thing about it that just infuriates me-because so many people go to third level, have serious mental health problems, and take their own lives. Or end it all due to the pressure of the LC and no discussion of other options, be it QQI 4 or QQI 5).

It might be important to discuss medication options-even if its with another GP. At the moment, you're sounding like it's the choice of one sickness over the other-but which would be easier to cope with? Meds can always be adjusted, symptoms are much harder to cope with. And really, they are water wings, tbh. There to keep you afloat. I know the first time I was put on medication, it scared me to think I would need these to feel normal. And I did have some really lucid dreams for a few weeks. But as I was, I was only getting worse-the medication helped. But I know some people react differently to em.



Unfortunately, and I googled this, service dogs here in Ireland are limited to epilepsy, blindness, diabetes type 1, nut allergies, conditions that cause seizuresand of course guide dogs. Panic attacks/ depression aren't covered by it. What they may suggest is CBT, cognitive Behavioral therapy. I know in other countries, service dogs are available for many conditions, here it's...less so.
That said, you could always adopt a rescue dog, there are many who need a home. And they can help with regards to mental wellbeing.

Your right about the whole education thing, I remember they never talked about QQI 4 or QQI 5 - only that you'll do your leaving cert and get straight into college, and if you don't get enough points well tough ****.

I'm going to talk to my gp about medication, I just have bad memories regarding taking them too no matter how much I write down to remember etc. I've been on and off meds since I was about 10 - and met a fair few of therapists who think it's a passing phase etc. My current one doesn't show any thought or care into this fact, thinking I'll be fine eventually when I know I won't. I think I did CBT before, not sure if I remember though.

Regarding the service dog topic, I wish it was possible over here to get one as I feel it would help a lot. At the moment I have a dog but unfortunately he's getting old and doesn't have much energy left.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Freaking out a bit, was at a wedding at the weekend. Nothing went wrong but I'm utterly convinced that I've done something awful or i don't know.. Oh my brain.

Fûcking brains, eh!

Hugo Stiglitz

Does anyone here find that when they're in a very bleak place, that you don't even try to break free of it? Like that the misery is comfortable or something?

I don't mean to be getting philosophical (probably not even the right word there!) or anything, I'm deep in such a bleak place lately and I'm trying to do something, anything, to get my mind out of it.

Have a counselling appointment this week. I really need this. I shouldn't have let things get so bad. Typical fúckup me!
I'm anxious about it though as I know that I'll break down crying at it, which is something that I absolutely despise (despite me always telling people that it's ok to cry).

Gremlinertia

Yeah I liked my 'rut' as i always refer to it.. Change is scary and so I'd rather the discomfort, there's no logic at all to it, think it's more a fear of trying and failing. Not being able to consider a positive outcome.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Yeah I liked my 'rut' as i always refer to it.. Change is scary and so I'd rather the discomfort, there's no logic at all to it, think it's more a fear of trying and failing. Not being able to consider a positive outcome.

That is exactly how I am. I've tried and failed so many times before. My daily life consists of constant failure in some form or another. No end in sight alas.

Hugo Stiglitz

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

That is exactly how I am. I've tried and failed so many times before. My daily life consists of constant failure in some form or another. No end in sight alas.

Constant failure? Really?

Hugo Stiglitz

Deleted User wrote: »

Constant failure? Really?

For the most part, yeah.
I'm often messing up in work and seem to be sabotaging whatever remnants of a personal life remain.

I understand that this might just sound like my current low mood talking here, but that's my reality. Really wish that it wasn't like this though.

Hugo Stiglitz

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

For the most part, yeah.
I'm often messing up in work and seem to be sabotaging whatever remnants of a personal life remain.

I understand that this might just sound like my current low mood talking here, but that's my reality. Really wish that it wasn't like this though.

I don't think it is your current mood talking Hugo. I think it's a deeply ingrained belief that has been following you around for years.

I had a job once where I was always making mistakes. It wasn't a good fit for me. I left. Maybe the work doesnt suit you Hugo? You're not a failure but you're in an environment which doesn't bring out the best of you?

What is it about your personal life that makes you feel you sabotage it?

Hugo Stiglitz

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't think it is your current mood talking Hugo. I think it's a deeply ingrained belief that has been following you around for years.

I had a job once where I was always making mistakes. It wasn't a good fit for me. I left. Maybe the work doesnt suit you Hugo? You're not a failure but you're in an environment which doesn't bring out the best of you?

What is it about your personal life that makes you feel you sabotage it?

I've been like this in every job that I've had. Some days are perfectly fine, others can be a few slips, others can be somewhat significant. I'm probably blowing things way out of proportion in my mind, but the feeling of being a fraud or incompetent is strong.

Lots of interpersonal difficulties and insecurities. A huge source of rumination.

Hugo Stiglitz

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

I've been like this in every job that I've had. Some days are perfectly fine, others can be a few slips, others can be somewhat significant. I'm probably blowing things way out of proportion in my mind, but the feeling of being a fraud or incompetent is strong.

Lots of interpersonal difficulties and insecurities. A huge source of rumination.

I can't offer you much in the way of advice Hugo but I will say this;

We create our own existence. Sometimes thanks to old wounds and a family environment that could have been better that existence gets compromised. What we do becomes tainted because our thoughts and feelings are set to negative.

The wonderful thing is that none of this needs to be forever. We can and do find peace and acceptance in ourselves. In order for this to happen we must try and try and try. Find what it is that you enjoy and keep doing it. Continue to go to meet ups and be the engaging person you are. Have a look at eventbrite website for talks and workshops that might give you a bit of insight in to the human condition. Book a few nights away to just enjoy your own company.

Don't concern yourself with other people and the lives they have. I promise you that a lot of it is an Illusion. Throw out terms like "normal" and "people like us". There is no such thing. Every one on this planet is doing their best with their own demons. Go to your therapy session. It's about time now Hugo that you started showing yourself compassion.

Hugo Stiglitz

Deleted User wrote: »

I can't offer you much in the way of advice Hugo but I will say this;

We create our own existence. Sometimes thanks to old wounds and a family environment that could have been better that existence gets compromised. What we do becomes tainted because our thoughts and feelings are set to negative.

The wonderful thing is that none of this needs to be forever. We can and do find peace and acceptance in ourselves. In order for this to happen we must try and try and try. Find what it is that you enjoy and keep doing it. Continue to go to meet ups and be the engaging person you are. Have a look at eventbrite website for talks and workshops that might give you a bit of insight in to the human condition. Book a few nights away to just enjoy your own company.

Don't concern yourself with other people and the lives they have. I promise you that a lot of it is an Illusion. Throw out terms like "normal" and "people like us". There is no such thing. Every one on this planet is doing their best with their own demons. Go to your therapy session. It's about time now Hugo that you started showing yourself compassion.

Thanks, P. x

La.de.da

I concur what perse says. There is no 'normal'. I believe sometimes we live to what society says we 'should' live.
When you step outside that and look to what you are happy with or want, you'll get a better understanding of your life.

I see people striving working themselves to the bone in jobs they hate for mortgages, cars etc because they think it's what they are supposed to do. But it doesn't have to be like that.

Choose what's right for you.

I walked straight out of a job 2/3 years ago cause it was killing me. Best decision I ever made. Yes money can be tight now, but it's only money. I'd sacrifice it for my sanity.

I think maybe some CBT with a good therapist would benefit you Hugo.

You only get one life, make the most of the good things in it and the good people around you.

Hugo Stiglitz

I can't help but feel that, at least at the moment, that a lot of my issues will remain. Kind of makes me want to not even try. I know that a part of this is me just being afraid but it's also me being realistic. I've effectively isolated myself since my teenage years. There's no making up for that sadly. If I could even just gain some sort of contentment in being by myself, I guess that'd be OK.

Fuko200

Just found out my sister is getting married next year, but I don't feel happy for her at all for some reason. My other sister is giving out about me wearing a dress, when I don't want to due my issues with my body and a few scars I'm trying to ignore.

I'm due hospital on Thursday for a check up on my ankle, and I'm nervous because I'll be there for a while with constant noise and on my own more than likely. Already anxious about it all.

PTH2009

went for 5 ronunds of the local park today and then to watch a movie. Also went out and bought whey protein and pre work stuff

feeling a bit better but still not 100%. Im going to have a few drinks on Thursday so looking forward to that and im going to concert in Glasgow exactly this day next month

Hugo Stiglitz

PTH2009 wrote: »

went for 5 ronunds of the local park today and then to watch a movie. Also went out and bought whey protein and pre work stuff

feeling a bit better but still not 100%. Im going to have a few drinks on Thursday so looking forward to that and im going to concert in Glasgow exactly this day next month

It's good to have things to look forward to.

veganrun

I know what you mean. One day last week I was really down due to some physical symptoms I was having. I remember crossing a road thinking “c’mon, you aren’t even trying to break free of this, you are just wallowing as it’s strangely comfortable or familiar”.

Part of me is wondering are my recent worries and symptoms somewhat attributed to having come off my antidepressants. I was on 10mg citalopram and eased myself off them over a few weeks then stopped completely. So I have been off them completely about a month now. I’ve found myself feeling very indecisive about stupid things at times. I’m also starting to feel afraid of making plans in case I have a relapse and mega anxiety. A friend has suggested going to a concert in Dublin next year but I’m afraid to make plans in case something happens with me and my health. Part of me thinks being so aware of my thoughts isn’t helping and had I just relaxed more I’d have let things go instead of it being like “oh you are anxious, you have anxiety, cue the crazy thoughts”

I really need a time machine to help me go back in time.

I got the sense from my GP the last time I spoke to her that she thought I should stay on them but she said it was my decision but not to come off them if I was going through any big changes (I was about to move closer to work and out from home to live by myself)

I’m tempted to go back to see her for a chat but again afraid of what it might lead to (health anxiety).

It’s relentless at times but I wonder if being so aware of it is actually a bad thing and does it just make the problem worse.

Hugo Stiglitz

veganrun wrote: »

I know what you mean. One day last week I was really down due to some physical symptoms I was having. I remember crossing a road thinking “c’mon, you aren’t even trying to break free of this, you are just wallowing as it’s strangely comfortable or familiar”.

Part of me is wondering are my recent worries and symptoms somewhat attributed to having come off my antidepressants. I was on 10mg citalopram and eased myself off them over a few weeks then stopped completely. So I have been off them completely about a month now. I’ve found myself feeling very indecisive about stupid things at times. I’m also starting to feel afraid of making plans in case I have a relapse and mega anxiety. A friend has suggested going to a concert in Dublin next year but I’m afraid to make plans in case something happens with me and my health. Part of me thinks being so aware of my thoughts isn’t helping and had I just relaxed more I’d have let things go instead of it being like “oh you are anxious, you have anxiety, cue the crazy thoughts”

I really need a time machine to help me go back in time.

I got the sense from my GP the last time I spoke to her that she thought I should stay on them but she said it was my decision but not to come off them if I was going through any big changes (I was about to move closer to work and out from home to live by myself”

I’m tempted to go back to see her for a chat but again afraid of what it might lead to (health anxiety).

It’s relentless at times but I wonder if being so aware of it is actually a bad thing and does it just make the problem worse.

I don't know about you, VR, but it's on my mind almost every waking hour. Can't escape it.

Do you think that it might have been a mistake to come off of your antidepressants?

veganrun

Possibly yeah, I’ve definitely had more wobbles in the last few weeks. Even now again I can feel my worry and anxiety rising. I guess I just don’t like the thoughts of being on them long term and was kind of enjoying not taking them. But this last week has really rattled me. Things weren’t perfect when I was on them but I hate how I’m feeling at the moment and it’s worse than when I was on them.

Hugo Stiglitz

veganrun wrote: »

Possibly yeah, I’ve definitely had more wobbles in the last few weeks. Even now again I can feel my worry and anxiety rising. I guess I just don’t like the thoughts of being on them long term and was kind of enjoying not taking them. But this last week has really rattled me. Things weren’t perfect when I was on them but I hate how I’m feeling at the moment and it’s worse than when I was on them.

As bad as I think I feel, I'd be so much worse without them.

veganrun

I don’t know what to do sometimes. I keep dithering about going to the doctor on Thursday. I don’t have an appointment so I will need to take a half day if I decide to go. I keep picturing what might happen and wonder will I just end up more worried. I had been on them over 2 years.

Hugo Stiglitz

veganrun wrote: »

I don’t know what to do sometimes. I keep dithering about going to the doctor on Thursday. I don’t have an appointment so I will need to take a half day if I decide to go. I keep picturing what might happen and wonder will I just end up more worried. I had been on them over 2 years.

It might be no harm to go and just have a talk about how you're feeling lately.

Hugo Stiglitz

La.de.da wrote: »

I concur what perse says. There is no 'normal'. I believe sometimes we live to what society says we 'should' live.
When you step outside that and look to what you are happy with or want, you'll get a better understanding of your life.

I see people striving working themselves to the bone in jobs they hate for mortgages, cars etc because they think it's what they are supposed to do. But it doesn't have to be like that.

Choose what's right for you.

I walked straight out of a job 2/3 years ago cause it was killing me. Best decision I ever made. Yes money can be tight now, but it's only money. I'd sacrifice it for my sanity.

I think maybe some CBT with a good therapist would benefit you Hugo.

You only get one life, make the most of the good things in it and the good people around you.

Thanks for that, L. x

snowflaker

Bad day. Couldn’t get up- wrecked. Called in sick - slept all day. But booked appt with doc to get blood checked.

veganrun

You might be right Hugo, I don’t know.

RabbleRouser2k

Well tonight was a spit show. (yes, I'm censoring myself).

Sat down for the dinner, barely started eating, I said something (not an insult, just something funny happened in the last two days, had been discussed earlier in the day) and had a major argument with my mum.
So much so I just said 'keep your f**king dinner' and left the table. She brought up crud from literally my childhood, as part of my screw-ups (and there are tons of screw-ups, feels like it was in my dna, tbh). The past 2 years have been tough, the past decade alone holds a lot of sad moments.

I had enough-it was five minutes of arguing, but I just was done-I'd rather starve than put up with that crud. I was tired, I just went to my workspace put on my headphones and just listened to music. Yes, I can be immature, but there are times when I just need to isolate myself.
I know my screw-ups, they torment me every day of the week, all of my past mistakes. Pretty much every single one, I can isolate down to the time and place. And where I am now I most certainly would rather not be.

veganrun

I hate anxiety.