Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

RabbleRouser2k

Gremlinertia wrote: »

It can change, you need to believe it will, put as much time as you can into mindfulness/meditation as you can while doing ordinary tasks. Stop and take time to breathe and look around.. Nature, music and reading are three things i can almost always relay on..

It's interesting how many of us have similar 'stay single' experiences with Mental illness. It's hard to bring drama into their lives, for one.
Another things is-I'm sort of a dreamer, really immature and insecure. At times 'imposter' syndrome kicks in too. But I dream about great things happening-and that keeps me going.

My OCD was flaring the last few days-Guilt seems to have become part of my OCD ranges now, just as the contamination died down. But on the good side, a lot of my friends contacted me on facebook (out of the blue-wasn't me contacting them. Just happened). I had a good talk with them, learned life wasn't being easy on them either. (Just normal things-the usual travails, so to speak). It helped me to not feel in my head.

It's strange-I've accepted being single-like, I couldn't 'truly' imagine being married with kids. Yet I get jealous of people who find that happiness, in a way-and then I'm like...'nah, you'd be miserable. So would she'. I have even had to shut down women who were interested in me-because I know they want kids etc-and I don't. I even relate to women younger than me, because they don't have the 'tied down' mentality.

Gremlinertia

It's something i still ponder, i remember saying when i was younger that i wouldn't 'inflict myself' on anyone Self deprecation is my default mode anyway, make the mean joke about yourself before someone else does.. It's amazing all the little behaviours and adjustments people build into their lives almost unconsciously.

RabbleRouser2k

Gremlinertia wrote: »

It's something i still ponder, i remember saying when i was younger that i wouldn't 'inflict myself' on anyone Self deprecation is my default mode anyway, make the mean joke about yourself before someone else does.. It's amazing all the little behaviours and adjustments people build into their lives almost unconsciously.

Same-I used to ponder it too. Unfortunately, I found that the 'mean joke' made about myself is often far less than the mean crap said about me by other people...
(The worst part of it is you think these folks are at least solid acquaintances-far from it).
I find that it made me more of a listener, empathetic I suppose. Compared to other people.

Gremlinertia

RabbleRouser2k wrote: »

Same-I used to ponder it too. Unfortunately, I found that the 'mean joke' made about myself is often far less than the mean crap said about me by other people...
(The worst part of it is you think these folks are at least solid acquaintances-far from it).
I find that it made me more of a listener, empathetic I suppose. Compared to other people.

Yeah i would tend to keep my mouth shut a lot which obviously means that i must be a good listener!. Of course i want to talk to sometimes but i tend to limit that sadly.

ds4593

Kelly777 wrote: »

Hi how are you. I know your feeling as I'm trying everything and nothing seems to be lifting it.
I do CBT . did you ever try that.
like you the only thing working at the moment is consequences on others.
Exercise does not seem to be working for me even though everyone says to do it

In general exercise is meant to help. Mild and moderate forms of suffering are more likely to benefit from it than someone who is in a severe condition.

For me it does nothing. It seems that regardless how healthy my body is it has no baring on my mind. But the act of exercising. The act of focusing on something for 30/60 minutes can help you escape your thoughts, even if it’s just for a short period of time. A break is a break.
Put on some headphones and listen to music while your at it and it can also help with escaping your thoughts during that time period.

It doesn’t matter what you use. But you should try something that allows you to focus on something, some task. Ideally something positive. If your thoughts are eating away at you all day. Getting a break from that, even if only for 30 minutes can help take the edge off.

I’ve tries CBT multiple times with different therapists. Starting with a new therapist soon. So far I’ve yet to benefit in the slightest from any of it. Maybe I’ve been unlucky with my therapists or maybe I’m just being resistant to treatment.

Reading though your other posts I can relate about things along with anger. My tolerance is nothing compared to what it used to be. I’m sure that is from a combination of being stressed and being stuck in the same mental situation for I don’t know how long. It eats away at your ability to function on many levels.

Just keep pushing though for the people close to you.

RabbleRouser2k

ds4593 wrote: »

In general exercise is meant to help. Mild and moderate forms of suffering are more likely to benefit from it than someone who is in a severe condition.

For me it does nothing. It seems that regardless how healthy my body is it has no baring on my mind. But the act of exercising. The act of focusing on something for 30/60 minutes can help you escape your thoughts, even if it’s just for a short period of time. A break is a break.
Put on some headphones and listen to music while your at it and it can also help with escaping your thoughts during that time period.

It doesn’t matter what you use. But you should try something that allows you to focus on something, some task. Ideally something positive. If your thoughts are eating away at you all day. Getting a break from that, even if only for 30 minutes can help take the edge off.

I’ve tries CBT multiple times with different therapists. Starting with a new therapist soon. So far I’ve yet to benefit in the slightest from any of it. Maybe I’ve been unlucky with my therapists or maybe I’m just being resistant to treatment.

Reading though your other posts I can relate about things along with anger. My tolerance is nothing compared to what it used to be. I’m sure that is from a combination of being stressed and being stuck in the same mental situation for I don’t know how long. It eats away at your ability to function on many levels.

Just keep pushing though for the people close to you.

I've had similar experiences with anger-it's very strange. Like, people say 'oh, you'll get over it when you're...' and I find that I actually get worse. Like, the same stuff bothers me or new stuff bothers me, on top of the other stuff. Very odd, to say the least.

I was told exercise-and I did try it, as well as cutting back on foods, some diet alterations (nothing drastic-just the usual 'cut back on caffeine or sugar' healthy stuff) and then I find that I'm the same-it doesn't really help. Yes, fresh air can, in some ways help, but then exercise sometimes helps burn up anger-but never enough.

I find that talking my stuff through sometimes helps-as does online forums and chatrooms. My friend has similar issues with depression, and he told me it's the nights he finds hardest-I think its insomnia (something I get from time to time) and his thoughts flare up at night. Mine can be around during the day.

ds4593

I hear what you are saving with anger. Being able to cope and deal with situations just keeps getting worse. It’s like a self feeding loop. You don’t get better so your ability to function worsens. But you inability to function and cope fuels further drops in mental health.
It’s not just anger. Anything really.

I’ve heard about people who get worse at different times of the day. Never experienced that myself. Equally bad all day.

Talking does help somewhat. I just find I don’t have anyone to talk too, and I only just started chatting here. It’s a slow enough group so it doesn’t help in the moment when I need someone to talk too.

Exercise and eating properly does make you feel better. But it’s a different kind of “better”. Your body might feel better with more energy, which can help lift people’s mood. But if your issues are not related to bad health, or fueled by something else, or just on the serious side of things, then a small lift in mood will have little to no effect on your mind.

Graces7

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Working has always helped me, i have often hit a wall mentally but if i plug away at some monotonous task like washing the dishes and cleaning the house or doing the endless paperwork that comes with being an adult i can kinda drift through those patches

Is why I knit so much... Great for that ...

ds4593

Plugging away at a monotonous task. I’m guilty of that too.

But is it not a double edged sword? Sure it may helps to focus on something else. But long term it’s pretty damaging.

Whenever I focus on a monotonous task (which is a lot) I’m choosing to ignore the situation, choosing to ignore the pain and focus on something else.
But I’m also failing to overcome the situation. Failing to try and work on my issues. Nothing gets resolved and so the loop continues.
I do this the whole time, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. But I can’t help but feel it’s the same as sticking your head in the sand.

RabbleRouser2k

ds4593 wrote: »

Plugging away at a monotonous task. I’m guilty of that too.

But is it not a double edged sword? Sure it may helps to focus on something else. But long term it’s pretty damaging.

Whenever I focus on a monotonous task (which is a lot) I’m choosing to ignore the situation, choosing to ignore the pain and focus on something else.
But I’m also failing to overcome the situation. Failing to try and work on my issues. Nothing gets resolved and so the loop continues.
I do this the whole time, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. But I can’t help but feel it’s the same as sticking your head in the sand.

Same-I do the same with online games or video games in general. It's helpful, but also a double edged sword.

My friend has a 'tangle' I think it's called-for anxiety and stress-it' similar to the orbs you rotate for stress. It's this little plastic linked chain she plays with.

Something creative can help too-I know I had one counsellor who told me to do 'art therapy' drawings, to grab a crayon, or markers, and just create stuff based on emotions. I know Jim Carrey did something similar-like, with his 'I needed the colour' video.

Something that can help-and this came from twitter and reading-is literally hitting or screaming into a pillow. It's all about 'releasing' whatever it is that's torment you.

ds4593

I’ve tried some things that once meant something to me. Creating or playing music was a big one for me. But I don’t even get enjoyment from that anymore (or anything else for that matter). I used to have an outlet for that (even if it didn’t bring me joy) but I don’t have the time now nor the friends.

Regardless of what we choose to focus on and use as a distraction. The important thing to remember is that if it lets us retreat into our safe zone then we’ll keep hiding in there.

mg1982

I just think in my situation marriage and kids are not something i could ever see for myself now or in the future am 35 now. I see some of my siblings and the stresses and strains married life brings i think it would send me over the edge pretty fast. Try to keep life simple as i can might be the way for me.

Kelly777

hi d's
how are you doing tonight. thanks for your text. that really is a good point that you are angry cos of being stuck in the same mental state for so long. that is me. I am angry over not being able to shift the anxious feeling. I'm angry at the way I am. that is a very good point.
The CBT is hard I think as it forces you to look at your thoughts and as strange as it sounds it's actually hard to know what you are thinking all the time. it is also exhausting mentally to keep track of your thoughts all the time. I find it very difficult. yes maybe you need to go to another therapist.
I made an app with pieta house. they give some sessions for free. I think it's just talk therapy. have you had any experience with them. the only thing is that you can't be going to 2 therapist at once so I won't be able to do my CBT for them weeks. I hate breaking my CBT.
I wonder if pieta house can be good.
my problem too is I can't listen to music or watch tv it usually triggers thoughts and I end up stressed. this is a big problem for me as I need to do it for to watch tv with the kids.
yes I agree that exercise is for mild to moderate depression.
Thanks again for your post

ds4593 wrote: »

In general exercise is meant to help. Mild and moderate forms of suffering are more likely to benefit from it than someone who is in a severe condition.

For me it does nothing. It seems that regardless how healthy my body is it has no baring on my mind. But the act of exercising. The act of focusing on something for 30/60 minutes can help you escape your thoughts, even if it’s just for a short period of time. A break is a break.
Put on some headphones and listen to music while your at it and it can also help with escaping your thoughts during that time period.

It doesn’t matter what you use. But you should try something that allows you to focus on something, some task. Ideally something positive. If your thoughts are eating away at you all day. Getting a break from that, even if only for 30 minutes can help take the edge off.

I’ve tries CBT multiple times with different therapists. Starting with a new therapist soon. So far I’ve yet to benefit in the slightest from any of it. Maybe I’ve been unlucky with my therapists or maybe I’m just being resistant to treatment.

Reading though your other posts I can relate about things along with anger. My tolerance is nothing compared to what it used to be. I’m sure that is from a combination of being stressed and being stuck in the same mental situation for I don’t know how long. It eats away at your ability to function on many levels.

Just keep pushing though for the people close to you.

Kelly777

God Ds I thought I was the only one that enjoyed nothing anymore. the CBT therapist does say to do something you enjoy at least once a week. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I used to love going to the cinema but I find films or tv triggers off memories of the event that made me like this so I tend to try avoid cinema or tv. it is a double edged sword.
I do think this site is good to talk to other people who are in same situation but as you said it is slow......i think cos there is not many people on it. Are you male ?





quote="ds4593;106679020"]I’ve tried some things that once meant something to me. Creating or playing music was a big one for me. But I don’t even get enjoyment from that anymore (or anything else for that matter). I used to have an outlet for that (even if it didn’t bring me joy) but I don’t have the time now nor the friends.

Regardless of what we choose to focus on and use as a distraction. The important thing to remember is that if it lets us retreat into our safe zone then we’ll keep hiding in there.[/quote]

Kelly777

Hi Gremlinertia are you on tonight. how are you. are you in work. I find this site actually helps me to relax a bit . I think cos I'm talking about my feeling and it helps get stuff off my chest. the only thing is I don't think there are enough of people on it as the chat is very small .

Kelly777

Hi Gremlinertia thanks for post.
I think that is a big problem for me, actually believing that things can change. I just feel that my anxiety about the thing in the future that may happen will not change. if it was something in my past I cud try put it behind me but this event that may happen is just killing me.
id love to be able to do things to distract me but alot of the things that shud distract me end up reminding me of my stressful situation. it's very hard for me to describe. I used to love reading the paper but I can't do it anymore as things in the paper remind me of my traumatic event that happened. so alot of things remind me of this event so I tend to avoid them. I've been told I have to face them but it's so hard to do.


quote="Gremlinertia;106670960"]It can change, you need to believe it will, put as much time as you can into mindfulness/meditation as you can while doing ordinary tasks. Stop and take time to breathe and look around.. Nature, music and reading are three things i can almost always relay on..[/quote]

Kelly777

anyone on thread now?

AlwaysGrey

Hi all, just signed up I suppose to chat really. Long time lurker, never felt brave enough to talk. Been going through depression due to childhood trauma all through my teens and adult life(39 now) been going through the ringer the past 3/4 years due to repressed memories coming back, nightmares flashbacks etc , sought help through Doctor and Mental health services last year, it was a disaster. Went back after Christmas and I'm now in counselling and on medication. I'm finding it tough to be honest.

Never suffered anxiety until Christmas time it hit me like a train, stunned me to say the least. I've started to become reclusive, avoiding friends etc I hate being around people lately, I prefer solitude, this was never me. I've given up all hobbies and interests except listening to music. I feel like I'm alienating my wife and kids. Luckily my wife knows my background and is very supportive. I just hate this numb feeling, I'm emotionless something I've never been, it's killing me trying to pretend to be normal at work and around kids, it breaks me to not feel happy or joyous when they do something funny or cute. Sorry for the long winded post

ds4593

Kelly777 wrote: »

God Ds I thought I was the only one that enjoyed nothing anymore. the CBT therapist does say to do something you enjoy at least once a week. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I used to love going to the cinema but I find films or tv triggers off memories of the event that made me like this so I tend to try avoid cinema or tv. it is a double edged sword.
I do think this site is good to talk to other people who are in same situation but as you said it is slow......i think cos there is not many people on it. Are you male ?

Yeah I’m male. Mid 30’s. Been suffering from Chronic depression (dysthymia) and Avoidance personality disorder since I was a teen and developed Major depressive disorder / Melancholic depression in my early 20’s. Since then I haven’t really enjoyed anything. 15 years of it now.
I’ll get a major depressive episode, but afterwards I return to chronic depression. Never to a normal base line.
It’s been so long that I don’t remember what it feels like to not be depressed. Even for a day. 15 years now of constant depression in the form of chronic depression or major depression.
As a result the major depression episodes are more frequent and severe year after year.

But yeah, most people in our situation lose interest in activities. I always find it ridiculous when a therapist says “try and do something you enjoy”.
If I had something that I enjoyed I don’t need to pay someone to tell me to do it

How are you doing today?

AlwaysGrey wrote: »

Hi all, just signed up I suppose to chat really. Long time lurker, never felt brave enough to talk. Been going through depression due to childhood trauma all through my teens and adult life(39 now) been going through the ringer the past 3/4 years due to repressed memories coming back, nightmares flashbacks etc , sought help through Doctor and Mental health services last year, it was a disaster. Went back after Christmas and I'm now in counselling and on medication. I'm finding it tough to be honest.

Never suffered anxiety until Christmas time it hit me like a train, stunned me to say the least. I've started to become reclusive, avoiding friends etc I hate being around people lately, I prefer solitude, this was never me. I've given up all hobbies and interests except listening to music. I feel like I'm alienating my wife and kids. Luckily my wife knows my background and is very supportive. I just hate this numb feeling, I'm emotionless something I've never been, it's killing me trying to pretend to be normal at work and around kids, it breaks me to not feel happy or joyous when they do something funny or cute. Sorry for the long winded post

I feel for you. I can relate to your situation.
It really is horrible to be aware of your kids doing something fun but not being able to react to it.
It’s draining, numbing and damaging.
It breaks me even more if my attempts to hide my mood fail because kids see more than you think.

I can’t offer any advice as I’m failing at fixing myself in a similar situation. But in regard to life experience. I would say if you try and fix or focus on one thing, make sure it’s limiting alienating your wife and kids. If you can only put in a small effort, put it in that area. Without it, everything else will break down.

Graces7

Please forgive an old wan repeating herself!

PLEASE make sure you get a very thorough full physical check.
PLEASE

I had an email from a dear friend in the US. Her father who had just retired, had been diagnosed as being agoraphobic and they wanted to medicate him. With my own history I begged her to get him fully checked out

She did so and they found he was in the early stages of parkinsons. Needed only vitamins

I lost 30 years of my iife to that kind of misdiagnosis. When I became ill when basic tests showed little I was passed on to the psych and left there.
One dr in my notes wrote, " She has many real (!!!! ) symptoms that are puzzling."

In fact I have CFS/ME only diagnosed after three decades and so much permanent damage done.

Gremlinertia

Home from work, crazy busy and I felt like I wasn't up to it even though everything was handled well and all was done on schedule.. Drained and in the bed now. Hope I'm not too tired to sleep.

Kitty6277

It never ceases to amaze me how one person saying just one thing can throw me into a fit of anxiety

Gremlinertia

Kitty6277 wrote: »

It never ceases to amaze me how one person saying just one thing can throw me into a fit of anxiety

I am exactly the same, the smallest thing happens or more importantly I assume it happened and I'm in heap all over it..

AlwaysGrey

ds4593 wrote: »

Yeah I’m male. Mid 30’s. Been suffering from Chronic depression (dysthymia) and Avoidance personality disorder since I was a teen and developed Major depressive disorder / Melancholic depression in my early 20’s. Since then I haven’t really enjoyed anything. 15 years of it now.
I’ll get a major depressive episode, but afterwards I return to chronic depression. Never to a normal base line.
It’s been so long that I don’t remember what it feels like to not be depressed. Even for a day. 15 years now of constant depression in the form of chronic depression or major depression.
As a result the major depression episodes are more frequent and severe year after year.

But yeah, most people in our situation lose interest in activities. I always find it ridiculous when a therapist says “try and do something you enjoy”.
If I had something that I enjoyed I don’t need to pay someone to tell me to do it

How are you doing today?





I feel for you. I can relate to your situation.
It really is horrible to be aware of your kids doing something fun but not being able to react to it.
It’s draining, numbing and damaging.
It breaks me even more if my attempts to hide my mood fail because kids see more than you think.

I can’t offer any advice as I’m failing at fixing myself in a similar situation. But in regard to life experience. I would say if you try and fix or focus on one thing, make sure it’s limiting alienating your wife and kids. If you can only put in a small effort, put it in that area. Without it, everything else will break down.

Hi ds, thanks for the insight, it's much appreciated. I have suffered bad depression like yourself for years, unfortunately I ignored it and swallowed it down deep and kept busy with life and work. I always had instances of flashbacks and nightmares but just coped. However over the past 3/4 years they have been getting worse to the point of insomnia, I can go to sleep fine, but I get jolted awake sometimes crying and can't get back to sleep, the lack of sleep has exasperated the depression and now ptsd.

I was hit with anxiety attacks during Xmas, was with herself shopping thought I was having a heart attack, sweats, dizzy wanted to burst or crying, had to leave shopping centre. I'm trying to be normal as possible around kids especially. We do all the normal family stuff, movie nights, cinema days, bowling etc to be honest they are my saving grace, thinking of them has me still here.

Was on lots of different meds to start and was zombified hated the spaced out feeling , on Prozac now, hate when at appointments and never the same Doc, having to explain everything over and over again, I still feel numb and emotionless. Counselling is great but the afters, when I've brought up the past and at home thinking about it is upsetting me. I know it's going to be along process, I might gain some semblance of normality, or accept the fact I have an illness at the, moment I'm in the why me phase, and angry that I'm being haunted by the past. I've always had a " suck it up buttercup" attitude, and maybe a macho persona, this is frightening to feel helpless. Sorry if I'm rambling folks.

Kitty6277

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I am exactly the same, the smallest thing happens or more importantly I assume it happened and I'm in heap all over it..

I'm the same, or else I think about what might happen and worry myself sick nearly over it, even though it might never happen at all

ds4593

AlwaysGrey wrote: »

Hi ds, thanks for the insight, it's much appreciated. I have suffered bad depression like yourself for years, unfortunately I ignored it and swallowed it down deep and kept busy with life and work. I always had instances of flashbacks and nightmares but just coped. However over the past 3/4 years they have been getting worse to the point of insomnia, I can go to sleep fine, but I get jolted awake sometimes crying and can't get back to sleep, the lack of sleep has exasperated the depression and now ptsd.

I was hit with anxiety attacks during Xmas, was with herself shopping thought I was having a heart attack, sweats, dizzy wanted to burst or crying, had to leave shopping centre. I'm trying to be normal as possible around kids especially. We do all the normal family stuff, movie nights, cinema days, bowling etc to be honest they are my saving grace, thinking of them has me still here.

Was on lots of different meds to start and was zombified hated the spaced out feeling , on Prozac now, hate when at appointments and never the same Doc, having to explain everything over and over again, I still feel numb and emotionless. Counselling is great but the afters, when I've brought up the past and at home thinking about it is upsetting me. I know it's going to be along process, I might gain some semblance of normality, or accept the fact I have an illness at the, moment I'm in the why me phase, and angry that I'm being haunted by the past. I've always had a " suck it up buttercup" attitude, and maybe a macho persona, this is frightening to feel helpless. Sorry if I'm rambling folks.

I can’t listen to certain songs or else I’ll start crying. There are a few occasions where I broke down and started crying due to the severity of the situation. But I was always on my own at those times.

You said “I’m trying to be normal as possible around kids”.
That is something I try and do every day. If I can’t fix the issues at hand, I should at least act normal in front of my kid. But it’s so much easier said than done.

I’m on SNRI’s for meds. Started a new one recently called Duloxetine under my own request.
I can’t stand seeing a different doctor. Explaining everything over and over, only for them not to take you seriously.
It’s got to the point that I do my own research regarding medication (reading papers and studies) and tell the doctor directly which medication I want to try.

Regarding the past.
I know it’s upsetting and effecting you a lot. I think it’s okay to acknowledge the past. To help offer an explanation for why you may act how you do. But it’s best to leave it at that.
I along with many others have had a difficult past. But we are in the here and now. No amount of reflection on the past will change events or how I currently act. If anything it may hinder progress as it puts you in a “why me” mindset.
Imagine that recalling your past is the same as reading a book with a very sad ending. But you read the book over and over again.
How do you think that would make you feel long term reading that book? I’m sure it would feel depressing & maddening with a view that no matter why you do, nothing will change.
Break free from it, focus on the here and now, your responsibilities, your kids. Make every effort to change and better yourself for the people you care about.

Look at me talking like I have the answers!
To be honest I have yet to fix a single part of my own life. I know what doesn’t work, that’s for sure and I know how issues like this can break down a relationship.
I only have an idea of what may work. But I have yet to successfully implement any of it.

Kelly777

Hi AlwaysGrey how are you tonight. thanks for your post it's always great to hear from others.
God your situation and the way you are sounds very like mine.
I have 2 kids and I feel so so guilty on them as I feel very angry inside. I don't feel I enjoy them the way I used to. I just want them to be happy. I have ptsd and suffer terrible with anxiety and this stops me from really enjoying my kids.
I too have stopped being social which was never like me. I was always outgoing and chatty with everyone so it kills me to be like this.
what meds are you on. do you find they help. are you doing any therapy.
I too am lucky that my husband is so supportive. I would be lost without him

AlwaysGrey wrote: »

Hi all, just signed up I suppose to chat really. Long time lurker, never felt brave enough to talk. Been going through depression due to childhood trauma all through my teens and adult life(39 now) been going through the ringer the past 3/4 years due to repressed memories coming back, nightmares flashbacks etc , sought help through Doctor and Mental health services last year, it was a disaster. Went back after Christmas and I'm now in counselling and on medication. I'm finding it tough to be honest.

Never suffered anxiety until Christmas time it hit me like a train, stunned me to say the least. I've started to become reclusive, avoiding friends etc I hate being around people lately, I prefer solitude, this was never me. I've given up all hobbies and interests except listening to music. I feel like I'm alienating my wife and kids. Luckily my wife knows my background and is very supportive. I just hate this numb feeling, I'm emotionless something I've never been, it's killing me trying to pretend to be normal at work and around kids, it breaks me to not feel happy or joyous when they do something funny or cute. Sorry for the long winded post

AlwaysGrey

ds4593 wrote: »

I can’t listen to certain songs or else I’ll start crying. There are a few occasions where I broke down and started crying due to the severity of the situation. But I was always on my own at those times.

You said “I’m trying to be normal as possible around kids”.
That is something I try and do every day. If I can’t fix the issues at hand, I should at least act normal in front of my kid. But it’s so much easier said than done.

I’m on SNRI’s for meds. Started a new one recently called Duloxetine under my own request.
I can’t stand seeing a different doctor. Explaining everything over and over, only for them not to take you seriously.
It’s got to the point that I do my own research regarding medication (reading papers and studies) and tell the doctor directly which medication I want to try.

Regarding the past.
I know it’s upsetting and effecting you a lot. I think it’s okay to acknowledge the past. To help offer an explanation for why you may act how you do. But it’s best to leave it at that.
I along with many others have had a difficult past. But we are in the here and now. No amount of reflection on the past will change events or how I currently act. If anything it may hinder progress as it puts you in a “why me” mindset.
Imagine that recalling your past is the same as reading a book with a very sad ending. But you read the book over and over again.
How do you think that would make you feel long term reading that book? I’m sure it would feel depressing & maddening with a view that no matter why you do, nothing will change.
Break free from it, focus on the here and now, your responsibilities, your kids. Make every effort to change and better yourself for the people you care about.

Look at me talking like I have the answers!
To be honest I have yet to fix a single part of my own life. I know what doesn’t work, that’s for sure and I know how issues like this can break down a relationship.
I only have an idea of what may work. But I have yet to successfully implement any of it.

Hi again ds, I'm the same with certain songs lol, I'm an avid music fan too. I get what your saying, about dealing with the past, from what I gather from the professionals it's what I need, I locked and buried "Pandoras box" away for years, forgetting it but somehow my mind is digging it up now saying "Hello remember me ". I've always known nothing was ever my fault, I accepted a long time ago what happened and dealt with it ( or so I thought). In the process I turned everything off, now the lights are turning on themselves like a haunted house and I've to find out why and deal with it I suppose in a controlled manner. I always thought I hid my depression well, but my wife told me people often remarked to her that I looked awful sad or others were afraid to approach me because I looked angry.

I'm in a why is this effecting now mindset I suppose. I'm confused as to why I'm emotionless when I should be happy, sad angry etc, then out of nowhere like a bag of cats my head and body is ready to explode. It's all a learning process I guess, I appreciate you guys listening to me and offering insight, it does mean a lot to read and hear from others going through similar situations. I tend to ramble sometimes as not many people I can relate to understand so I kinda brain fart lol. Again thanks folks.

Kelly777

Hi D'S
how are you. thanks for your post. God I've never heard of Melancholic depression.
When you say you get a major depressive episode what do you mean. Things are tough for you. have you kids?
Do you suffer with anxiety?
Yes I know it's funny to hear them say do something you enjoy. I just don't enjoy anything anymore. The only thing I enjoy is to go to bed and sleep as I'm not feeling depressed or anxious then.
I find now that I'm just drained and don't feel like doing the normal everyday tasks in the house or I don't even feel like doing the kids homework with them. I used to love doing their homework with them. id get real involved with it.
It broke my heart the other day when my son who is only 9 said ah look at mam doing a fake laugh. He could see I was only trying to put on a laugh.
I am gone so serious now where before I was always laughing and smiling . it kills me

ds4593 wrote: »

Yeah I’m male. Mid 30’s. Been suffering from Chronic depression (dysthymia) and Avoidance personality disorder since I was a teen and developed Major depressive disorder / Melancholic depression in my early 20’s. Since then I haven’t really enjoyed anything. 15 years of it now.
I’ll get a major depressive episode, but afterwards I return to chronic depression. Never to a normal base line.
It’s been so long that I don’t remember what it feels like to not be depressed. Even for a day. 15 years now of constant depression in the form of chronic depression or major depression.
As a result the major depression episodes are more frequent and severe year after year.

But yeah, most people in our situation lose interest in activities. I always find it ridiculous when a therapist says “try and do something you enjoy”.
If I had something that I enjoyed I don’t need to pay someone to tell me to do it

How are you doing today?





I feel for you. I can relate to your situation.
It really is horrible to be aware of your kids doing something fun but not being able to react to it.
It’s draining, numbing and damaging.
It breaks me even more if my attempts to hide my mood fail because kids see more than you think.

I can’t offer any advice as I’m failing at fixing myself in a similar situation. But in regard to life experience. I would say if you try and fix or focus on one thing, make sure it’s limiting alienating your wife and kids. If you can only put in a small effort, put it in that area. Without it, everything else will break down.

titan18

Fecking nightmare of a time since Friday. Saw someone on Tinder and brought back up a load of feelings and thoughts that had been unresolved, and been overthinking everything since then. Called her today, and she said she'd call me back, but never did.

I've no idea what I did wrong to end up like this with her, but it fecking sucks. Why am I never good enough