Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

DrWu

ds4593 wrote: »

Making absolutely no progress with therapy. It actually feels like every step I take forward I take two steps back.
I’m at the max dose of yet another medication and like all the rest it does nothing.
I now have very severe body scars trying to deal with suicidal intentions and even a recent attempt that only my therapist knows about.
Oh yeah, and then there is the ever increasing voice in my head issuing aggressive commands at me.
My wife doesn’t want to let me out of her sight in case I do something, but at the same time I’m convinced that she hates everything about me.

Hey. Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. What were you diagnosed with? Just wondering if you're taking the right meds for the right condition.

greenfield21

Its only when I think about it I realise how much anxiety has held me back.I really think there is no definite answers. After many years I've yet to see someone come on here and say they are cured

Irish Praetorian

greenfield21 wrote: »

Its only when I think about it I realise how much anxiety has held me back.I really think there is no definite answers. After many years I've yet to see someone come on here and say they are cured

There's a good reason for that, once you feel better from this crap would you be inclined to immediately go back into the muck and see other people feeling glum or would you want to go out and enjoy yourself?

The Crazy Cat Lady

anxiety levels going through the roof lately

DrWu

Going nuts is really strange. On one level I'm aware that some of things ive done lately have been a little weird - I intellectually understand and acknowledge this. But hearing family say that I've been acting crazy is kind of hard to process. It's like they're talking about someone else.

Anyone else feel like this?

Irish Praetorian

DrWu wrote: »

Going nuts is really strange. On one level I'm aware that some of things ive done lately have been a little weird - I intellectually understand and acknowledge this. But hearing family say that I've been acting crazy is kind of hard to process. It's like they're talking about someone else.

Anyone else feel like this?

Yeah it can be quite difficult to try and explain what we're feeling in our heads to other people. I find they can understand it more easily if I'm specific about particular symptoms, it's more graspable that way.

DrWu

Irish Praetorian wrote: »

Yeah it can be quite difficult to try and explain what we're feeling in our heads to other people. I find they can understand it more easily if I'm specific about particular symptoms, it's more graspable that way.

Thanks IP. That's useful advice. I'm coming off Lamictal and starting on Sodium Valproate at the end of this week. Really hope it works.

mg1982

DrWu wrote: »

Thanks IP. That's useful advice. I'm coming off Lamictal and starting on Sodium Valproate at the end of this week. Really hope it works.

The lamictal didnt work out then. Didnt work for me either only a few months on it just made me feel weird.

DrWu

mg1982 wrote: »

The lamictal didnt work out then. Didnt work for me either only a few months on it just made me feel weird.

Sorry the lamictal didn't work for you but nice to know it's not just me. I hear good things about SV, so fingers crossed. If it stops me doing mad stuff i'll be happy. I ended up wandering the village in my pajamas at 2 AM the other night, looking for the house of this guy I had an altercation with last summer. Seemed like a normal thing to do at the time... bipolar is messed up!

mg1982

That is a bit extreme at least nothing happened though. The mind is a powerful thing makes us do all sorts when the circuits arent joining up. Hopefully SV works out well for you.

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jaxxx

Started eating healthy and exercising to try and lose some weight. And yet the funny thing is I feel worse. Not being able to eat the foods I really enjoy. Or having that late night snack. Floating around my head is the question "why am I doing this?". To be a bit healthier? I'd rather live 10 years shorter while enjoying what I eat rather than 10 longer being careful about what I eat.

forestgirl

The really difficult side to anxiety that I hate is how physically sick it makes me,it's hard to deal with

RabbleRouser2k

forestgirl wrote: »

The really difficult side to anxiety that I hate is how physically sick it makes me,it's hard to deal with

I get that-I often get stomach upsets and other stuff. Some times it's stress that sets it off. Some times its food related.

But either way, it can be debilitating. Ugh.

Gremlinertia

Same here, digestive issues, muscle pain and neck pain or headaches. Added misery.

RabbleRouser2k

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Same here, digestive issues, muscle pain and neck pain or headaches. Added misery.

Yeah, and the digestive things means having to change or wash clothes.

Gremlinertia

RabbleRouser2k wrote: »

Yeah, and the digestive things means having to change or wash clothes.

And cramps and sudden dashes to toilets and of course more worry about toilets.

Have had a strange week so my system is in chaos, went to an amazing gig but lost a cousin to cancer and a friend to suicide. The highs and lows have me wrecked yet unable to rest..

RabbleRouser2k

Gremlinertia wrote: »

And cramps and sudden dashes to toilets and of course more worry about toilets.

Have had a strange week so my system is in chaos, went to an amazing gig but lost a cousin to cancer and a friend to suicide. The highs and lows have me wrecked yet unable to rest..

Jesus, GL, I'm so sorry.

That sort of thing would obviously wreck your system and put it in chaos. Stress always does that to me.

stargazing123

aspiewriter wrote: »

anxiety levels going through the roof lately

Same here. Back pains and headaches too lately.:(

mg1982

I have the stomach thing too but was told it was down to Irritable bowel syndrome. It can be chicken and egg situation though.

I feel like im going through life surrounded by a dense fog have no idea where im going or where im going to end up. Its a scary feeling.

Trebor176

Pre-warning: A long post.

I hope everyone is well. It has been a good while since I last posted here. Being honest, over the last number of months, I have been feeling ok. I finally got over someone earlier in the year, who had rejected me over two years back (March '16), and I ended up in counselling early last year, and again last summer. It did help me to a good extent.

Back in September last year, I came right out of my comfort zone, and attended a meet up organised by a girl from a Facebook social page that I was on. It was her first event too, and one to be organised. There was a great turnout, and through that, I made a good few friends, who I have been out with on a number of occasions since. Just at various social events really!

Through these, I feel they helped me to get over the girl I had been stressed about for so long. I have been attending a number of singles nights too, organised by a few friends of mine, who I have helped out on a few recent occasions. I met these through such nights.

Just to add, I had been in a sort of a group chat with the singles night organisers, and a few friends of theirs. We had been out ourselves a number of times too, rather than at social events. They will come into the story below.

My anxiety levels and, perhaps, depression levels have returned in recent weeks. My confidence took a hit. To begin, I left a job after four years back in April, as it was one I was not progressing in. I went into another accounting role in a much bigger industry (pharmaceutical) not long after. I felt great knowing that there was a good scope for career progression in the role. However, in June, I was let go. The role just didn't really work out for me, as it was felt that I was a bit too junior for the position. I am still looking for work. My confidence took a hit, even though people tell me not to let a job loss affect it.

Back in May, I met a lovely girl at one of the singles nights. I had seen her posting on the event, and posting and commenting on other things on the social page. I was attracted to her, and was delighted when she turned up at the singles nights. Little did I know at the time that she was actually good friends with one of the organisers (a friend of mine too). To avoid confusion, I will call the organiser B, and the girl I dated K.

Myself and K hit it off on the night, and the next day she had added me on to Facebook. We started chatting from there. B had messaged me to say that K really liked me, and enjoyed chatting to me on the night. All very well and good. I was delighted. K soon asked me out, and we went for a few drinks after a while. B had messaged me to say that K was excited, but nervous about the date. I later booked dinner for a second date, as things were going well chat-wise, and she had messaged B to see if she could go for dinner with me. Maybe sussing me out? See, K has anxiety, or so B told me, and it had taken her ages to get K to go to any of the events. But, she was still very much up for dinner.

The day we were to go for dinner, K messaged me that morning apologising, but she would have to cancel. She had been very much hurt by an ex over a year prior. I was disappointed, of course, and hoped we could be friends still. That was fine. I told B the situation, and she wasn't happy that K turned me down, and said she would talk sense into her. K later changed her mind, but we went for lunch instead, and went for a nice walk. We were still getting on just fine.

I chanced booking dinner again for the weekend after. Again K was very much up for it, and the chatting was going well. However, on the morning we were meant to go for dinner, she cancelled again, due to a genuine family emergency. I say genuine because I know it wasn't a feeble excuse. I was fine with that. No problem, we could re-arrange.

However a day or two later, she announced that she felt we had little in common, and hoped we could stay friends, but didn't want to go further than that. I was gutted! B was going to talk sense into her again, as she had changed her mind before. However, dating again wasn't to be. I had messaged K after a while to see if there was any chance of dating again further down the line, but wanted to be friends still.

This happened around the time of the job loss, and the day I finished work, it all hit me. I was on the verge of tears, and for a 32 year old man to get that upset over rejection probably isn't very mature to some. I ended up blocking K from Facebook, which didn't really go down very well with B, but she understood. As it turns out, K was passing on some messages to B that I had sent. Just over different periods, I think. But, especially after she rejected me.

I had been a moderator for a social site that myself and the above friends were members of, most of whom where also moderators. I blocked K from that out of pure frustration, not taking into account the consequences. B was furious with me, and blocked me from the site, and took away other privileges that I had.

Over a course of a number of days, I messaged K a few times, but not a lot. I didn't overburden her or anything like that, and didn't message everyday. The purpose of my messages was simply to try and apologise for my behaviour, I wanted to try and make amends, and start on a clean slate as friends. I said how I felt about her, etc. I also did say if she no longer wanted to be friends or anything like that, it was her loss.

K's reply was quite snappy (in a 'mood' sort of way). She accused me of emotionally manipulating her, and she didn't like people like that. She told me she wasn't interested in me, and never will be, and she blocked me. B messaged me again furious, and accused me of freaking K out, and all that sort of thing. I meant no malice or to hurt K, or anybody else.

Things went downhill from the point of me blocking K, especially from the page. The group in the chat thing had all found out, and had seen the messages. Yes, all these things were being shared, even though it was between me and K moreso, and B, I guess, as she was her friend.

So, between one thing and another, at a couple of recent events, I was ignored. I tried the singles night on Friday, and it was an awful experience for me, even though I knew some others there, who had no idea about what had gone on. I left early.

Another member of the gang, who knew what went on, and also became a friend of K's, messaged me on Saturday to say that he was disappointed in me because I wasn't welcome on Friday, despite having been invited by one of the organisers from the group, who was actually very nice to me on the night, as if recent events didn't bother her.

I was told I will no longer be welcome at these nights with the group, but because it is open to the public too (the pub organises singles nights themselves too), I could go, but just not go near the group. I had upset some there on Friday, even though I didn't even say hello to them, knowing that they ignored me. This chap accused me of being aggressive in my reply saying that I still have a right to attend, and if nobody wanted to be friends, then to remove me as a friend. He did, and blocked me. The others remain on my friend list.

As a result of the rejection and the job loss, and just prior to the singles night just gone, I went back to counselling. He could even see how I would be frustrated by things with K, and sympathised with me over the job loss. The job loss didn't hit me as hard as the rejection, and I am actively job hunting, and have also had interviews recently. But, the counselling is more to do with the situation with K, and the falling out with the group.

He has deemed their actions quite harsh, as I feel there is more to their reasons for excluding me than the way I took the rejection. There was another member of the group, who I pissed off, and who I will mention in a post to follow.

So yeah, job loss and rejection around the same time have really got to me. While I was excited at the prospects of a new job, and a beautiful girl that had come into my life. But, quickly, everything has just come crashing back down. Rejection is something that I have never taken that well, but I vowed not to take this rejection as badly as I did back in early 2016. But, it has still hit me hard.

Trebor176

To add to the above, and a sort of a filler in, I had been out with a few from the group early this year. These are from the group chat too. A couple went to Coppers, and myself and one of the girls left, and ended up in a nearby pub. She was with someone at the time, but I sort of had feelings for her.

Between one thing and another, I kissed her, and she reciprocated. She asked why I did it, and I couldn't explain. I learned from her around that time, just from conversation, that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I sort of knew about it, but didn't know how it would affect things. I figured that kissing her was a mistake, and I apologised, as she was with someone.

A couple of days later, she messaged saying that she couldn't stop thinking about me, and the kiss, and that she really liked me. The chap she was seeing had turned her down for reasons unknown, but something must have happened.

We were at a singles night a while later, and she was quite into me. Again, we kissed. However, I didn't feel comfortable, being honest, as she was quite drunk too. I left for the night, not because of that, but because I was tired.

I am sure that I explained in a message to her later on that I didn't feel that we should date. I sort of knew that the BPD could be an issue, if something was to develop, but I also didn't really have feelings for her at the time. She was going to wait for me while I got my head together. But, I couldn't see things going anywhere.

Fast forward to an event a couple of weeks later, and again she got extremely drunk. As I was leaving, I was asked to bring her home, as she didn't live too far from the venue. I did, but I just didn't feel comfortable. It all kicked off at the entrance to where she lives. She slumped down in a drunken state, and refused to go inside. I wanted to leave, but couldn't because of the state she was in. Another chap tried helping her, but she was lashing out at us both physically and verbally. When she finally went in, I left.

Nearing home, I got a call from her phone by some chap, who told me to go back to the apartment, as the girl was cutting herself, and was asking for me. She had fallen in the street, and had to be brought back by this chap and his friend. She was hysterical. I reluctantly went back, and at the same time, in a panic, I was trying to contact a couple of friends we were out with. I got hold of one, and told her the story, and she came over shortly after I arrived.

An ambulance had been called, and the paramedics managed to calm the girl down. They explained that the alcohol escalated things, and really getting herself into that sort of drunken state didn't help. They left, and the other girl and myself stayed with her into the small hours. I left, and the other girl stayed with her.

Through messages with the girl affected after, I explained how upset I was by what happened. She apologised to me for that, but she still wanted us to be together. I couldn't accept, and said I just wanted to be friends.

Fast forward to a house party with the gang, I was a tad sketchy with the girl, who was there. Things were going ok until I announced my departure. They wanted me to stay, but I dropped another girl home, and came back. When I got back, the girl with the BPD had gone off on another drunken thing again. It was over me. I had to leave. i couldn't put up with it.

I was asked to bring her home, and I refused. I didn't want a repeat of the previous incident. She again verbally attacked me, and stormed off. When she was eventually calmed down, another lad offered to drive her home.

Following all that upset, I kind of felt that I owed it to her to apologise, and wanted to be friends. She said she no longer wanted to be friends, and has ignored me at events ever since. She said in a message that she was going to hurt me the way I hurt her.

The group sympathised with us both, but understood my reasons for rejecting her, due to what had gone on. Some, including my counsellor advised me to stay away from the girl, and not to get involved in anything because it could lead to stress. I am more aware of BPD now.

The same girl left the group chat after I (foolishly, perhaps) announced my date with K. She stormed out of work the next day, and ended up on the other side of Dublin, not knowing how she got there.

Right, so where the group comes in with the falling out. Recently, I learned that our friend with the BPD had told them that I had been very aggressive with her the night I walked her home, which I most certainly was not. There were other things said that were untrue. And, I made it known that what was said was all lies.

So now, I have been accused of pissing off three people in the group, and the girl with the BPD, it seems, is now back in group chat that she left, and has taken over a couple of organisational roles that I had. So, maybe the falling out with the group wasn't just because of this thing with me and K. There must have been more that I will never know about. So yes, I have been hit quite hard by recent events.

I want to apologise to anyone here, who may have or know anybody with BPD. I am not put off at all by anyone with it. No way! But, I was just advised not to get romantically involved with someone with it. I have seen the affects myself. I do know some with it, but I have never seen them suffer from it.

The Crazy Cat Lady

if I may ask, for curiously, what are everyone's anxiety symptoms/signs? Mine are a racing heart, shaking, sweating, can't think straight/racing thoughts, insomnia, stomach issues, headaches, ringing in the ears, feeling faint/dizzy, spasms in my hands and feet, brain in a fog and ability to process things go downhill, memory problems, thankfully I don't get all of them in one go but do get some of them depending what I'm doing or where I am

mg1982

You have an awful lot going on there treb sounds like things got fairly toxic with that group. Maybe it might be best to walk away and start afresh.

Trebor176

mg1982 wrote: »

You have an awful lot going on there treb sounds like things got fairly toxic with that group. Maybe it might be best to walk away and start afresh.

I know, you're right, and others have said that too. The problem is that I do want to take the advice, but another part wants to make amends with them. Maybe I'm too nice for my own good. But, the former is what I should really do.

If it wasn't for K knowing one of the girls, and if this situation arose regardless, they'd be gone. But, I know I am likely to see K at some point anyway at some event. I just can't seem to let her go at the moment, even though I know her actions show that she is done with me. I'm probably being foolish holding on to false hope.

I don't tend to put my health and that first, and let myself stress over things like the above. And yes, mentally, I have been affected in the past, and probably am being now.

But, part of me thinks that things could be resolved from the group. Another part feels that they have been looking for some excuse to be rid of me, despite having been told they were fond of me in the past. But, there have been times of late when I felt I didn't fit in with them. I'm a lot more reserved than they are. But yeah, I guess I am better off without them. Something must have been said behind the scenes that changed their opinion of me entirely. Not just this with K, but things must have been exaggerated. I feel, and others do, that the whole thing has been blown way out of proportion.

moochy

Hi guys and gals, I'm new to the forum. Just starting look through some of your old posts yesterday. I think your great people ( including the guys from a few years ago, who don't post anymore). I'll fill yee in a little bit over the next while. I have been struggling with depression, anxiety, meaning, life from my late teens until now(15+ years). Going through particular rough patch recently. Anyhows wishing yee all some love.

Shpud2

Welcome moochy

Trebor, I´m sorry you are having such a rough time. One knock is bad but two of them can easily throw us off kilter. One of the biggest lessons I´ve learned when it comes to dealing with other people is to know when to walk away. If there is a girl you like and it turns out that´s not reciprocated then no amount of self-torment and analysing will change that. It doesn´t matter if there was drama or confusion or whatever. If the decision is that ¨I´m not interested¨ then that is the end of that. Friendships are the same and can be as difficult to cultivate but really the same applies. If after a few suggestions to meet up and nothing is forthcoming then walk away.



The difficulty with all of this arises when our self-esteem is dependent on others interest in us. Rejection is a hard pill to swallow but if you are fairly robust as a person then it will be a manageable fact of life. Something unpleasant that happens now and then but is in no way a reflection on who we are.



Please be mindful though of your assumptions and others regarding borderline personality disorder. No matter the diagnosis people are individual. Yes BPD is in very very simple terms difficulty in relating to others, forming and maintaining relationships. But we can all be a bit like that can´t we? Obviously you know the type of people who you want in your life but remember that human beings are complex and so much more than just a label.


Mind how you go x

RabbleRouser2k

aspiewriter wrote: »

if I may ask, for curiously, what are everyone's anxiety symptoms/signs? Mine are a racing heart, shaking, sweating, can't think straight/racing thoughts, insomnia, stomach issues, headaches, ringing in the ears, feeling faint/dizzy, spasms in my hands and feet, brain in a fog and ability to process things go downhill, memory problems, thankfully I don't get all of them in one go but do get some of them depending what I'm doing or where I am

I have similar feelings-feels like I'm being strangled, so to speak-difficulty breathing, often walk out the room to get fresh air. I can find my thoughts panicking, I have trouble speaking (stammering or so on), massive flop sweats-like I'd run a marathon or strenuous exercise, and I can drench a vest or a shirt in sweat. (I remember that going back all the way to my pre-teen years, the flop sweats I mean). Stomach problems, be it indigestion, or diarrhea. I can have issues processing stuff, and sometimes my OCD goes haywire.
It's crazy-I tend to procrastinate stuff too-and that makes my anxiety worse.

Shpud2

Hey guys. Not really sure about writing this. Not sure what it is whether its a rant or what. Really just feel the need to vent after a tough few months.

I suppose I'll start with the good. I had a great relationship. I found someone who actually liked me and cared about me and made me very very happy. But i messed that up. I mess a lot of things up. Friendships mostly. I can't keep friends and i don't know how to make new ones. Things weren't good for me before that relationship ended but i feel that just set me over the edge.

I've been letting my anxiety get the better of me. I have lost all confidence. I struggle to do basic things now like text someone or go to a shop. I get advice like be confident but i just can't pull it out of nowhere.

I still get bullied. Less so than before since I got the Gardai involved but still enough to stress me out and worry me.

I'm constantly down and irritable and snappy with people. Always starting arguments and i can't help it and i apologise but people don't care for my apologies which i understand but when i say sorry and they say it doesn't matter it hurts.

As I say i don't know what I'm posting this for. I have counselling starting in August but I just don't have the motivation to go on.

Thanks for reading if you bothered.