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Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)
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Guys I also posted this in AH but thought some people here might miss it. There is hope everybody .This is a superb post and with a bit of humour has helped bring depression to the attention of a larger audience without it being too taboo.
I have suffered since my mid teens and now in my mid thirties. My only goal in life was to have a family of my own , which I have thankfully achieved. Yes, a very modest goal/dream, but none the less something that people can take for granted.
In my earlier years I used to feel numb. The only feelings I felt were of pain, suffering, the kind of stuff that Yoda said about those who follow the dark side would feel.
I always thought there was something wrong with me, but didnt think that anybody could help. Partially because of my insecurity (I loved everybody liking me, I was the joker of my group) and partially because I didnt think anybody would care. There was and always is an element of fear with me that friends/family will not want to be around me if I talk to much about it.
I reckon what has helped me over the years has been -- Wanting to feel better
- Exploring differant ways - Excercise, education, talking etc
- Learning to understand myself better - triggers,
- Giving myself a break - I still tend to beat myself up if I dont meet certain goals that I set myself, including trivial things that arent important
- giving myself a mental high 5 or pat on the back when I achieve even basic tasks - I am trying to be more positive, by putting more emphasis on positive feedback to myself as opposed to negative feedback
- try to be more constructive in my self criticism - I didnt get up this morning, dont worry about it, I will get more rest and goto gym, afterwhich I will get more productive work done in less time (rather then have my hands in my head for twice the time and get nothing done!).
- I will talk more to my partner and family to let them know how I feel. How can they help or understand if I dont say how I feel. It doesnt matter if they dont understand, only that they know that I dont feel right. Sometimes I feel like a broken record, but my wife prefers to listen to me speak some of the time, as opposed to when I just shut down and cant speak for days!
- Understanding my issues with drink. I have some bad habits (used to be worse when I was younger) that I am still trying to iron out. I see the connection between my moods and drink. Spotting this is only half the battle, but I am at least getting there.
- Trying to come to terms with the fact that I cannot control things outside of my own life. I get extremely upset with the hypocrisy and downright corruption that exists in western civilistion. Particularly when its excused as "part and parcel of life" as if this makes immoral/unethical acts exceptable. EG - Politicians breaking pre election promises, laws that protect the rich corporations against small people ( I have personal reason to be particularly upset on this one!) etc.
Not everybodys depression is same and people do suffer on differant levels. I have a friend who suffers serious bouts and some days he cant even leave his house. Other days he can get up and speak on front of hundreds of people , extremely confidently and challenge educated people on certain issues, with no bother on him.
I tend to just go into myself, look to stay at home as much as possible , like a hermit. I used to feel sorry for myself, but now I just feel like I want to get better. I used to think money (financial troubles) would solve my problems, but I now know it wont. I achieved the one thing I have always wanted in life (my own family) and while it has given me strength it hasnt sorted me out completely.
Somedays I wake up feeling nervous and sick for no particular reason. What is worse is when you dont even know why you feel this way. I generally feel most peaceful in the wee hours of the AM. One morning I walked with my dogs to the beach to watch the sunrise, it was a true Karma moment.
I personally judge my life on the family I am bringing up and the friends I have around me. These are how I judge my successes. I never put an importance on educational achievements or work achievements because they do not define the person I am. I would class myself of average intelligence (wouldnt throw that out to the floor at a pokergame with my friends).
Depression is in no way a funny thing to live with, but if comedy could be used to educate people, I would be all for it. I used to be much funnier and wittier, but cant think of anything remotely interesting to write.
It is the hope that can kill save you
That post above was over 7 years ago. At the time I was really struggling badly (certainly in comparison to now) but you would think reading it that I was somewhat together. I dont remember that being a positive time in my life, quite the opposite in fact.
I think sometime that year I took medication that you shouldn’t mix, while drinking heavily. I didn’t want to wake up. The pain of life was just too much and I didn’t know what to do and saw no hope. That “true Karma” moment I mentioned in the above post was actually a morning I walked the dog to the beach after a night of drinking on my own. I imagined it like a Hallmark card, pissed as a fart, with my dog sitting beside me on the beach as the sun was coming up. I had at least 3 cans of beer and staggered home later on before my wife woke up. It was actually a very beautiful memory in a weird sense. I was able to enjoy that brief moment with my dog but now I have these great moments for longer and its a cheaper buzz without the hangover or cost of a few cans!
The insidious nature of depression, anxiety and self medicating is something I am only now realising. I haven’t had a drink in over 6 years. I have slowly weaned myself off all mind altering medications and use them sparingly and in close consultation with my doctor. I used to be on zanax, sleeping tablets (started buying them online at one stage!), anti depressants to try and numb the horrible pain of daily life I used to endure. There is a role for these medications and I always suggest people are guided by the professionals on these things.
I know that putting my trust in doctors and trusted therapists allowed me to get the support to heal properly, although I didn't always want to listen!. I believe the mantra “you cant heal a sick mind with a sick mind”. So often in the past I would give up on something or a new method because it wasn’t giving me the desired results. Finding the right supports , trusting in those supports and resigning myself to their guidance was integral to my growth.
Back then Life was bleak, was dark, was miserable, was hopeless and I saw no benefit for my constant cloud to remain in my family's future. I used to be so afraid of being alone with my own thoughts. I couldn't quieten my mind and so many things used to rush in and out. I had some quite dark and intrusive thoughts that I didn't feel i could share with anybody and filled me with fear and shame. In therapy I learned that most people have the same thoughts at different times in their lives.
As I write this I am taking time to enjoy my 3 beautiful little boys playing in the kitchen. One of them is captain underpants. 7 years ago I couldn’t enjoy this moment. 7 Years ago I would be lamenting the fact that I couldn’t enjoy this moment and knew that pain would be even harder when I was older and reflecting back on this missed happiness.
I’ve been making great personal gains over the years. Sometimes it felt like 2 steps forward, infinite steps backwards. Quite often it felt like life would be slog until the end. But right now my life has never been better, never been more clear and I have never felt this positive about the future. I have an idea to completely change the way my company provides its service and I feel confident to make it work. I have always thought of myself as an inherently negative person expecting the worst in life so I will not be disappointed. Right now I feel like the world is my playground and anything is possible.
I have been reading bits of Philosophy over the years and I always felt it was something that I might be interested in. But I think I might of actually found something I can really be passionate about in a progressive way where I can chat with a tribe of people who are deep thinkers just like me. I used to suppress who I was because I always valued myself on how much I could “entertain”.
Now I see that I had a passion and didn’t know where to put it. Many people don’t like to chat to “deep Drumpot”. You need only look at my posts on the man united soccer forum to see how out of place I am with the general fanbase who absolutely despise my long winded posts. This is important because United have been a huge part of my life and I used to have a much greater passion for them. I lost some of that when I lost my passion for life.
I can feel out of place a lot in day to day stuff but I learned to blend in like everybody else with relatively shallow conversations. That was fine but it made me feel like a weirdo who enjoyed getting in deep, anal cavity deep, into conversations. So I felt very lonely on this aspect and pretended to give a sh*t about stuff that was actually not really something that was particularly interesting to me. I then got angry with people which disconnected me even further and in my view society got uglier and more stupid the more rejected I felt.
I have so much I want to write down, so much to say to people who are in that dark room. Who are lonely even in a room of people they know love them. Who have nobody they feel they can talk to and see no end to the pain. THERE IS HOPE . . Not hope that you can survive, there is hope you can live a life you cannot imagine. I have tried many many things to try and get to where I am and to me that was the key. I tried singing, listening to music, meditation, pilates, acting, counselling, exercise, therapy, medication, resting, taking time to do nothing (watching birds eat out of bird feeder in back garden), holidays, working, not working, reading, eating healthy, eating crap, drinking, going to cinema (figured out that I love going on my own), philosophy but as my wife says to me I always kept on trying. Not because I am stronger or wiser then anybody reading this but because I found hope and I worked hard to see if that hope could lead somewhere. I still do pretty much most of these things at different times or another, no one thing is a panacea but collectively they provide me with a more meaningful and nourished life.
I know if I was reading this post a few years ago I might scoff a bit or even feel a bit worse. Look at that post , gloating about how great things are but that would have been a lie that I was telling myself. I haven’t shared a fraction of the pain and sad things that have happened in my life in this thread but that’s not as important as my reaction to it. The specifics of how I got to such a low point in my life is not important. Other people might have been fine had they led my life but it was because of my “allergic reaction to things that happened in my life” (as I put it) that meant I was handicapped for a long long time.
I have no solution or answer to other peoples riddle in life, I believe the answer is in everybody, but unlocking that truth is the achievement of a lifetime. I learned that how I feel at any given time is not necessarily a reflection of the truth of my life. Like a short sighted person who has lost their glasses, sometimes I just cant see with clarity and it can make me scared, lonely and sad. I cant see where my life is going. I cant share these feelings with others. I cant enjoy my life.
I prioritised my life, my health and getting well over everything else. I dont have anymore money then I had a decade ago and I would consider myself working class on the lower end of the scale. But thats ok because I am ok. Many many times I prioritized trying to be ok with feeling unwell, with working on not beating myself up for being so useless and depressed. At times it felt like wasted time and just prolonging my life, instead of improving it. And i felt great pressure at times because my family really relies on me which just compounded my sense of failure.
I wish I could bottle up how I feel right now and give everybody a piece of it. All that pain, all that suffering is worth it if this is how my life will continue. I know I will have ups and downs and I wont always feel this good but thats life. I hope I can read back on this post when I am feeling low and remember that Life is not a straight line and that sometimes I feel pain to remind me I am alive. Sometimes my pain is an opportunity to care for myself and learn to appreciate what I already have.
Music . . Music always inspires strong feelings in me. I love beautiful music. . I have been listening to my chill out list (now listening to "creep" - Kolacny Brothers & Scala version) which is very apt. I sung this song in a band in college , pretty well if i remember. But thats how I felt, like a creep. Some of these songs used to make me sad but now they make me feel happy sad. I realise that music is just one of the ways I enjoy feeling and thats ok. Thats how my feelings can express themselves and thats ok.......
I think I should leave it at that for now . . Take care everybody . .0 -
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Apologies, accidentally posted a post in the wrong thread-have it deleted now. Very sorry, too many tabs open.
:o:o
What BohsCeltic said, don't do anything foolish-we've all been there.
I found that once I started opening up, opening up on stuff, telling people 'Yeah, I have bad days-I'm very sorry' that things sort of open up.
In the last ten years or so, I just decided to let people in, let more and more folks know-if I'm having a crap day, tell folks.
Like, my medication got reduced from 60mg to 40mg, and that's frustrating, but It might be for the better.
There are going to be those crappy days-but let people know, don't bottle it up.0 -
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