Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

Lady is a tramp

Crappy day today.

Had a nails appointment followed by a GP appointment (maybe my priorities are the wrong way around!) :pac: First time I've left the house in days.

Had a shower. Was stressing so much that I had to constantly remind myself what to do next, what order to put on my shampoo and conditioner and shave my legs etc. Took me forever.

Got dressed in a nice dress and cardi. Planned to do my make-up and dry my hair. However I was sweating so much from anxiety that I couldn't do either. And ended up changing clothes twice in the half hour before I left, to try to be in some way comfortable, since I was going to be looking crap anyways.

Nails appointment. I was so shaky and sweaty and ill-looking that the beautician went and got her manager to see if we could go ahead with it! I did explain about my anxiety, and they did it in the end, but it was just a mortifying situation to be in.

Then walking through my hometown, which I don't visit often, and seeing seventeen billion people that I recognise, and so many others that I know I should recognise but don't, and wondering how many people are looking at me and recognising me and judging me.

GP appointment. Hadn't seen him in a year (usually go to a different GP) and had to briefly condense the dramatic events of the past year into the shortest time possible (I hate taking up medical peoples' time when I'm feeling like such a waste of space, so often rush my speech and keep it as brief as possible, however I did have to update him and it was upsetting.) At least he had no problem with prescribing me benzos when he saw the mess of me (I'm very aware of the dangers of benzos, I only rarely take them when I really need to, I get no buzz or peace out of them. But I know myself well enough to know when I do need them.)

Arrived home shaking and sweating and generally an absolute mess. And I had to talk to my parents, and I hate them seeing me in an anxious/panicked state, they were so visibly upset at seeing me like that. So unfair on them, it was especially crap to see my dad's face. The shock and sadness and worry.

Ugh. I'm a mess, a f*cked up crazy horrible mess. He suggested 3 tablets 3 times a day, but prescribed enough that I can have 12 a day if I feel I need them. I've taken 3 but am tempted to take a 4th as they're really not kicking in, even an hour later!

(As I said, I'm well WELL aware of the dangers of benzos, especially with my history of addiction issues, this is a very once-off event! And not looking for medical advice or anything like that, he did tell me to take more if I needed them and prescribed enough for me to do so!)

I just wish I was normal. And happy. And healthy. And functional.

Turtle_

God LIAT, that's tough going.


I shouldn't have come off the meds. Was a terrible thing to do.

What worries me most is the intrusive thoughts are constant since coming off them. Absolutely constant... I want to rip myself out of my skin because it feels like I'm exploding outwards and I'm so agitated and I need this obsession about someting that's clearly so not true or possible to just stop.

Gremlinertia

Oh Lady, anxiety is such a monster. It's ruined a lot for me, actually much more than i thought, just realised that there's so so many things i wouldn't consider doing because my 'nerves would be at me' You are so brave managing to push through with things, i end up in the pub or under the blanket.

Hey Turtle, how are you doing now?

Turtle_

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Oh Lady, anxiety is such a monster. It's ruined a lot for me, actually much more than i thought, just realised that there's so so many things i wouldn't consider doing because my 'nerves would be at me' You are so brave managing to push through with things, i end up in the pub or under the blanket.

Hey Turtle, how are you doing now?

Still trying to ignore the thoughts! I don't think they're any worse than before, they're the same thoughts that have been bugging me for the last 16 years or so... I think I've just become more acutely aware of them because of the break the meds gave me from them. Oh well..

also realised that due to job changes I'm going to not get paid from mid september to the end of november.. and the car insurance is due in August.

Gremlinertia

Talk to insurance agency about a payment plan, you'll make it through. Can you get to a doc soon?.

mansize

My sleep pattern is fcuked, I need some routine in my life

SparklyMe

My first post here ... Just wanted to say hi I've had anxiety for nearly 3 years now but the past month my attacks are worse. There is no reason for them. They literally come from nowhere at times. My worst one was 3 days ago when i was out walking with my two young kids. Was terrified i was going to pass out with them. My doc is so unhelpful, just more lexapro for 3 months. I wish they would just go away & i could be normal again

Gremlinertia

Hey Sparkly, welcome to the thread, sorry to hear you're going through this crap, it's not easy but you are in the right place for ranting and support depending on how you feel any given day. I've been thinking about my own anxiety recently and i think it's only really dawned on me now how much it prevented me doing over the years. I have been tackling my mental health issues properly for the last couple of years though and can say i've come a very long way. Hope the thread supports you as much as it has me

mickstupp

Oh Lady, I hope you're ok.
I get a bit... opportunistic myself. Jeez it's hard to say things without violating the whatever the rules are here. You can feel 'relatively' ok, and still do really dumb things when the opportunity presents itself. Something I fight quite a lot.

Can only suggest concentrating on the smallest of things. The moments that are not terrible. Like the taste of a nice cup of tea, like concentrate on that sort of moment. Close your eyes and try and immerse yourself in it. Or a warm breeze. The sound of wind in leaves is really good for me. They're only little moments, but if you can find a few of them each day, it makes being awake a teency bit easier.

I've started taking photos, even just one a day of something I like the look of. It's like a daily mission, a plan. Gotta think each night of one thing I want to do the next day. That helps a little bit.

Wish I could help you feel better. Hope things get better soon.

Kitty6277

Argument with the bf tonight over absolutely nothing. Although tbf he is being a cnut. Makes me feel like hurting myself again, which is something I haven't done in a long time. God, things seem so much better, and then one thing happens and it sends you spiralling back into things you haven't felt in years.

alaskayoung

The past few days have been good in a lot of ways, feeling a lot brighter and more optimistic in general. I think it's quite unfortunate in a way that as a result of so much therapy and treatment, it's made me very hyperaware of how how I'm feeling on a continuous basis, almost like I'm always overanalysing myself, my behaviour, thought processes, how I feel, wondering which direction I'm going etc. rather than being able to just be in the moment. I mean most people just wouldn't be analysing themselves to this extent and I feel like it's so much healthier and let's them just get on with their lives. I feel like I spend way too much time in my own head. I'm ashamed to say that about 90% of my thoughts in a day are somehow related to "mental health" and I honestly don't know what I ever thought about before any of this happened, like what to "normal" people actually think about all the time?

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and it's going to be pretty intense, it will take a lot of getting used to but I know it'll be good for me to have purpose and direction in my life again. I'll admit the commitment is quite a scary prospect for me in that I'm anxious over the implications if "I get sick again" or "get admitted into psych again". I suppose I can't let myself think like that, I can only take it a day at a time and do my best on any given day. If catastrophe strikes, I'll deal with that if it happens. I've deferred my year in college for a second time now as I really don't feel stable enough to take on something to that level of intensity right now yet I can't help but ask myself in a way if I'm enabling myself to be sick. Everyone supports my decision and frankly a lot are relieved but when I made this same decision a year ago, I never thought "next year" would come and I'd find myself in a very similar situation, what if this is as good as I can expect? Maybe I just need to push myself to go back and hope that I can rise to the occasion? I don't know, I just don't.

It's funny because I haven't been functioning to this level in awhile, my life appears very good in that it's very full and well-rounded, not lacking in any aspect to a severe degree yet there's this huge underlying guilt because I know damn well that the only reason I can function to this degree is because I'm using my eating disorder as a crutch. It's almost like I've used it as a foundation to build huge sky-rise buildings on yet it's not sustainable and it's only a matter of time before it starts to crumble and then everything that's been built on it I fear will collapse. I feel like a fraud. Everyone unaware is delighted with how "well" I'm doing yet it's only a matter of time before the realisation dawns on them of the truth of the matter. I'm beginning to see some of the physical effects of what I'm doing and it honestly scares me, my long hair's slowly but surely becoming thinner, my body feels weak and achey, chest pains on & off.. I keep telling myself I'm going to change tomorrow yet tomorrow keeps being postponed. It's difficult when you know how much you're relying on something to get through your day yet it's so destructive in it's own right. I'm basically an addict.

norwegianwood

Anyone else get really depressed and worried on Sunday nights? I don't know if it's something that just stuck with me from school or what, but it almost ruins the weekend for me knowing that this is always coming.

Kitty6277

norwegianwood wrote: »

Anyone else get really depressed and worried on Sunday nights? I don't know if it's something that just stuck with me from school or what, but it almost ruins the weekend for me knowing that this is always coming.

Always happened me when I was at school, it's only since I've finished a few months that ago that I don't get so worried and anxious on a Sunday.

Gremlinertia

I'm still a mess most Sundays, and it's the middle of my work week for years. I think it's an echo from years ago plus the fact that there is not a coffee shop or breakfast place to be seen at eight or nine in the morning.

Hugo Stiglitz

norwegianwood wrote: »

Anyone else get really depressed and worried on Sunday nights? I don't know if it's something that just stuck with me from school or what, but it almost ruins the weekend for me knowing that this is always coming.

Same here, friend.

Turtle_

Oh Monday my old friend... This week should, on paper, be easier than last week... But the intrusive thoughts won't piss off and it's making it harder. Leaving me anxious and unhappy. I just don't get it.

Also, put on weight despite eating less and moving more. How???

Hugo Stiglitz

Turtle_ wrote: »

Oh Monday my old friend... This week should, on paper, be easier than last week... But the intrusive thoughts won't piss off and it's making it harder. Leaving me anxious and unhappy. I just don't get it.

Also, put on weight despite eating less and moving more. How???

Sorry to hear that you're fretting there, T.

Turtle_

Thanks Hugo, hope your day is going better

Gremlinertia

Tough few days, caught up with me today, been sleeping/napping for about eighteen hours. Drained physically and emotionally.

Turtle_

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Tough few days, caught up with me today, been sleeping/napping for about eighteen hours. Drained physically and emotionally.

Mind yourself *hugs*

Sleep can be a great thing.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Tough few days, caught up with me today, been sleeping/napping for about eighteen hours. Drained physically and emotionally.

Poor Grem. *hugs*

Hope things improve there soon. x

Shint0

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Tough few days, caught up with me today, been sleeping/napping for about eighteen hours. Drained physically and emotionally.

Hope you managed to get some food into you during the marathon sleep because you just end up feeling worse when your reserves are down and your sugar levels drop from lack of food.

I used to be terrible about foregoing food for long periods but it is a plus point to being in a relationship or married that you have to get into a routine of cooking proper meals or else cajole them into doing it if you don't feel upto it.

Vargulf

My anxiety seems like the Irish weather. I'll be on my laptop feeling good and confident so I'll set a time for myself to go out and go for a walk. I'll have my dinner, then put on my top and get ready to go out only to start feeling anxious and making every little excuse to not go out.

"The tree outside is blowing so it's too windy to go for a walk", "There's a small stain on my pants so everyone will think I'm a slob", "I'll smile or look at people funny and they will think I'm a weirdo", "It's nice and sunny outside so there will be loads of people there staring at me", "The weather is bad so I'll be the only person going for a walk and I'll look like a sad loner".

The sad thing is I realise that most people get socially anxious themselves to some degree.

Gremlinertia

Vargulf, you've described that so well it's unreal, i can use the smallest excuse to make something seem impossible all the time.. The more anxious i am to begin with, the more absurd the excuse.. I've just gone from fine to feeling tight chested just thinking about the hassle it will be to get to work today.

norwegianwood

I got let go from my job today and the main reason was that I wasn't confident enough..I was so happy to get this job and thought I was doing it well, I was only in it for three weeks.

Gremlinertia

Oh hell Norwegian, that's rotten.. I can offer an ear and hugs

norwegianwood

The job was an assistant quality manager in a food factory, I had the qualifications but not the personality, they wanted somebody who could go and boss the workers around and wouldn't be intimidated by them, but I thought that once I got to know the job better I'd find that easier, but they didn't give me a chance. I just don't know what I'm going to do now.

Gremlinertia

Stay on the hunt for jobs.. That's a horrible thing to happen, i just hope it doesn't flatten you for too long..

Shint0

norwegianwood wrote: »

I got let go from my job today and the main reason was that I wasn't confident enough..I was so happy to get this job and thought I was doing it well, I was only in it for three weeks.

Very sorry to hear that. Try to turn it to your advantage and perhaps think of types of job positions or work environments that might best suit you and where you can find your niche. Of course a lot of jobs will always have some type of interaction with others so it might be an opportunity to try to work on confidence levels as well. Keep looking as soon as you feel up to it to keep the momentum going and try not to be too hard on yourself. It was an achievement to get the job and every little success breeds more success even if there are some setbacks a long the way.

StripedBoxers

norwegianwood wrote: »

I got let go from my job today and the main reason was that I wasn't confident enough..I was so happy to get this job and thought I was doing it well, I was only in it for three weeks.

So sorry to hear this, I hope you are okay and I hope you find something else suitable soon xx