Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

Gremlinertia

Tough time SAINT, hope you get a little proper rest after your trip.. Rumination is a pain to deal with, often get lost in the sh1tstorm myself..

Shint0

Did you report that road incident SAINTBRIGID or are you just going to let it go? Can't have maniacs like that on the road intimidating people and goading them into a reaction. Sorry you are going through a tough time. I think sometimes when people are already stressed they don't have the strength to report incidents and go through any investigative process where they might otherwise do so if they didn't have other issues going on.

Esel

SAINTBRIGID wrote: »

A 1/2 bottle of jack daniels.2 donuts , bar of milk tray and two packs of peanuts and watching waking the dead on drama. Suitably chilled.

Met shrink last week, diagnosed reactive depression. Was told im very intelligent, and very defensive. Ill face up to any one regardless of consequences. Got into road rage with a guy tailgating me who then overtook me and slammed on the breaks. We had a fight on the N3 at 5.30 in the evening. Big Polish guy. Beat the living crap out of me. At 50 he was about 30.

Unfortunately Im now ruminating. Go to bed for weird dreams or stay up and keep eating.

I was told to take as much xanax as I need because I dont have an addictive personality.
Told Id be on Cymbalta for another 2 years. I see it as two years of anorgasmia.

Going to the UK, for an Irish funeral. 2 days of singing and drinking. God I wish I was on a package holiday in Syria.

Benzodiazapenes are addictive with regular use no matter who you are. Be careful with them. Hope things improve for you.

Tell me how

Gremlinertia wrote:

If i doc could actually prescribe one 24 hour period a month of relaxation it would help so damn much..

Seriously Gremlinertia, that's worry considering. Doesn't have to be dramatic but a dedicated "You" day.
Sleep in, junk food, spa, drinks, no taking on new problems for just that day, whatever.
Think large part of it would be the benefit of the anticipation so mark it on the calendar in advance and try it.

BaaLamb

Thank you Gremlinertia for taking the time to reply to everyone.

I feel so lonely and alone in my head. I have a lovely supportive husband and kids but all I can see is darkness. I've never been made redundant before and it has really set off my anxiety and depression. I keep worrying about managing on the dole (if I even get it), paying the mortgage, heating the house etc. I've been running through scenarios of us being homeless and I'm constantly crying. My poor husband is trying so hard to find a new job and I've already started too. Neither of us is having much luck. Combine this situation with my depression and it is really sending me to a very dark place. I'm constantly tired, don't want to leave my bed and well I'm finding it hard to see the point in anything. I just want to lie down and give up. I feel like such a failure and a waste of space. The catastrophic thinking is horrendous and I can't seem to apply any of the CBT I've learnt over the years. Guys I'm just so scared and hopeless.

Thanks for listening

Shint0

BaaLamb wrote: »

The catastrophic thinking is horrendous and I can't seem to apply any of the CBT I've learnt over the years. Guys I'm just so scared and hopeless.

Are you taking any medication? Perhaps you mentioned it already in another post. Just to say that any form of counselling or therapy doesn't have to be regarded as a once-off lifetime fix. There's no shame in feeling you can't apply what you learned previously. Counselling and therapy are there to be used as resources throughout the lifetime to dip into.

It sounds like you could benefit from some form of external support. Do you know of any affordable counselling options close to you? Many counsellors and therapists do offer a sliding scale or reduced rates for people who are currently unemployed.

BaaLamb

I don't know how to quote your post Shint0 so apologies but thank you for your response. I am on medication and under care of a psychiatrist. I'm on the waiting list for a psychologist but it will probably be a little while yet. I probably should try to practice mindfulness techniques but I'm feeling so lousy I can't get it together to do so. I'm so caught up in my own head and I can't seem to do anything else. It takes huge effort to get out of bed at all. I'm also crying all the time which is upsetting the entire house.

To be honest I also feel angry and resentful. I've always worked as has OH but now we've ended up in this situation and it seems our experience is useless or at least the wrong kind. We've both got postgraduate qualifications and are willing to try different types of jobs but even things like admin roles are not interested because we've not got admin role experience. I did all my own admin all through my career to date!

Apologies I can't be supportive to others at the moment but I'm afraid I'm rather immersed in my own misery at the moment.

Gremlinertia

Hey BaaLamb, hope you're muddling through as best you can. Don't apologise, it's all swings and roundabouts, we're a kind of buddy system in here, everyone is on different levels of up and down and sideways even!. Keep posting if you're happy to, we'll be here..

failinis

Really not feeling great today, its the lowest I've been in a good long time.
I am holding it together okay-ish for the past few months/years as these things come and go but its at a swell recently.
Concerned about what I will do if I am told I do have the illness they suspect me to have, or that it might be one that not available for DNA testings. My mother thinks I am broken from a previous assault from a while back as well. Maybe I am but why come out and say so.
Not been eating properly at all, even after cooking a full dinner I take one bite and throw it away. Its not healthy.
I don't know if its anxiety or depression or the magic mix of both. I just know its ****.

Shint0

What's the time frame, failinis, when they will carry out the rest of the tests? Are they saying they still might not be able to determine conclusively if you have the condition or not from the tests available to them?

failinis

Shint0 wrote: »

What's the time frame, failinis, when they will carry out the rest of the tests? Are they saying they still might not be able to determine conclusively if you have the condition or not from the tests available to them?

Blood was taken about a week ago, the doctor could not give me a clear answer on time frame, she said she can be surprised and results back in weeks, but far far more likely to be 1-3months.

They said there are 60 sub mutations of this "family" of illness, and about 15 (or something?) will show on DNA tests. But based on symptoms they seem to have it narrowed down to certain ones that are testable.

And if I am away at Uni, then I need to fly back and hear the results in person not over the phone/skype. Delightful and reassuring to hear that for **** sake.

This has been going on since Feb, and the more specialists I see, the more suggest the same family of illnesses, and tests since Feb have ruled out any other possible causes.
Its ****ing ****. I don't know how to deal with this.

Its hard to be positive when 4 specialists all said the same thing, and when an MRI ruled out other causes. **** this is all so frustrating.

Shint0

failinis wrote: »

And if I am away at Uni, then I need to fly back and hear the results in person not over the phone/skype. Delightful and reassuring to hear that for **** sake.

This has been going on since Feb, and the more specialists I see, the more suggest the same family of illnesses, and tests since Feb have ruled out any other possible causes.
Its ****ing ****. I don't know how to deal with this.

It's probably better to fly back to get the results so you can bring somebody with you for support.

Were you offered any form of supportive counselling outside of genetic counselling while you are waiting for the results? Are you receiving any counselling through your university student services? Would it be possible to link in with the university counselling service outside of term time possibly via Skype? It might be worth checking out if that facility is available if you are not receiving any form of support from elsewhere at the moment.

failinis

Shint0 wrote: »

It's probably better to fly back to get the results so you can bring somebody with you for support.

Were you offered any form of supportive counselling outside of genetic counselling while you are waiting for the results? Are you receiving any counselling through your university student services? Would it be possible to link in with the university counselling service outside of term time possibly via Skype? It might be worth checking out if that facility is available if you are not receiving any form of support from elsewhere at the moment.

Not been offered genetic counselling at all.
I am seeing a geneticist next week but in the clinical setting to check symptoms so I have another opinion (I don't want to go incase a 5th doctor suggests the same thing, but I will go).

My Uni said that every student gets 5 counselling sessions a year if they need it, but no more.
I would rather wait and see if I even have a reason to be concerned before "using them up".
How stupid a system is that "5 session will fix you fine".

Seen my GP here who said no point signing up to counselling cause I will be back in England by the time I get through. There is a service near my Uni where you need refered by a local GP so I need to wait till I am back in Sept for that. I do know Samaritans are there on the phone if I want but I am aware that I need to go for counselling in a more focused way soon.

Since Feb I have been very flippant about this, "how unlikely, what do doctors know anyway" about this all.

But getting the MRI results last week hit me hard.
I don't have any small cysts or lesions or anything previous neurologists said could explain symptoms. See, my brother has a small cyst so it did make sense for me to "bank" on that.

Bonus points that the MRI (head/spine) noticed a ovarian cyst which I knew was there but GPs refused to send me to get an ultrasound for as it has been causing pain and mood swings and very dehabilitaing periods :mad:
That was confirmed and Gyno doctor said its needs rechecked in a few months to see if it has grown, but also wanted to do exploratory "surgery" as he thinks I have endometriosis.
I "know" I have endometriosis, based on family history and symptoms - but he needs to do key hole with a camera to have a look.
I feel like thats so much pressure on me, I am trying to get back to Uni soon.
So he said if I can cope with the pain it can wait till next summer holidays/Easter whatever. Which was very kind of him.
But I just was surprised by that as well, it was like 2 bits of dubious news at once.

How ridiculous is this situation - just wake me up when its done.

bridgettedon

Not feeling the best today. Had a meltdown last night over some confusion. Woke up with a fuzzy head and very red eyes. I think the last few weeks I have been under some stress. I suppose my anxiety is kicking in and making everything seem worse. I will be starting counselling in a few weeks again. I'm so glad I put my name down a few months ago.

ivytwine

Hey Gremlinertia,

Sorry I didn't reply to your post- I've taken a few days offline. Hope you're feeling better today.

I'm still very tired and my eye is twitching! But being at home doing nothing is helping.

Hope everyone here has a solace of some kind this evening X

Shint0

They really do make it difficult for people to access relevant supports unless someone is in a position to pay privately and even at that some private health insurance plans might only cover a certain portion of the fees. A single session of CBT is hugely expensive and more often than not the people who need it most can have lower earning capacity.

Failinis, try to keep your mind distracted as much as possible. Maybe try to watch some good movies or immerse yourself in a book, or find some creative project for your artistic skills; knit a slouchy beanie or some miniature baby clothes for the premature baby units at the local hospital. Anything just to keep the mind focused outward rather inward if you are not able to get out and about much until you go back to college.

failinis

Shint0 wrote: »

Failinis, try to keep your mind distracted as much as possible. Maybe try to watch some good movies or immerse yourself in a book, or find some creative project for your artistic skills; knit a slouchy beanie or some miniature baby clothes for the premature baby units at the local hospital. Anything just to keep the mind focused outward rather inward if you are not able to get out and about much until you go back to college.

Yeah, thats how I kept myself together while I was still in classes, doing set work, and since I have come home I have been doing as much art as I can.
I took up film photography as a distraction, I done it before but it became an obsession really when I was in the middle of panicking over all this, I may try and keep that going. (But in a more healthy fashion - I could clearly see I got so "into it" because the only other choice was to just crack)

But today was just such a low that I lost all motivation (so I guess thats a sign of depression eh) and all this week found it hard to even get out of bed.
Forcing myself to go to an agri. fair tomorrow and just yeah, I like the idea of knitting baby clothes for preemies (but I can only knit scarfs Maybe I can learn to do hats/socks for them).

Thanks, I really appreciate this thread as a space.

mickstupp

failinis wrote: »

Yeah, thats how I kept myself together while I was still in classes, doing set work, and since I have come home I have been doing as much art as I can.
I took up film photography as a distraction, I done it before but it became an obsession really when I was in the middle of panicking over all this, I may try and keep that going. (But in a more healthy fashion - I could clearly see I got so "into it" because the only other choice was to just crack)

Photography has been helping me quite a bit in the last month. I take my tiny camera everywhere now. Yesterday I walked from O'Connell bridge to the Point, or whatever it's called now, taking loads of photos, then back along the other side of the river. I realised last night that I had two hours of no-thinking, two hours of not feeling awful, completely distracted. I was looking at the environment around me in the moment, and not obsessing over how I was feeling about everything. It was a wonderful distraction. And when I got home I had another while of distraction while I edited some of them.

I think taking photos of moments that catch your eye, sometimes beautiful things, is a tiny reminder that not everything is bloody woeful. I'm going to print out a photo or three that I like and stick them on my wall over the desk, remind me that there are things I can be doing that don't involve staring blankly.

failinis

mickstupp wrote: »

Photography has been helping me quite a bit in the last month. I take my tiny camera everywhere now. Yesterday I walked from O'Connell bridge to the Point, or whatever it's called now, taking loads of photos, then back along the other side of the river. I realised last night that I had two hours of no-thinking, two hours of not feeling awful, completely distracted. I was looking at the environment around me in the moment, and not obsessing over how I was feeling about everything. It was a wonderful distraction. And when I got home I had another while of distraction while I edited some of them.

I think taking photos of moments that catch your eye, sometimes beautiful things, is a tiny reminder that not everything is bloody woeful. I'm going to print out a photo or three that I like and stick them on my wall over the desk, remind me that there are things I can be doing that don't involve staring blankly.

Thats precisely how I feel - its such a great distraction, you put it into words perfectly.

I do digital anyway which is with me at all times, but for film, I can't access a dark room at the moment, so I send them off to be developed for me, and even that 3 or 4 days of waiting for them to get back - thats great.
Its another 4 days of me thinking "I wonder if they turned out okay" or "was my fecking thumb on the lens" and fixing some broken cameras and selling them on as well.

I've not left my house (besides hospital appointments) for almost a month, and today I am finally kicking myself up the head to go out with my camera.

Glad I know I am not the only one who used art and photography like this.

mickstupp

I'd suggest bringing headphones, maybe sunglasses too, if it's been a while since you left the house. They give you some distance from the people and world around you, lessening potential anxiety. Or is that just me???

Joey Jo-Jo Junior

It has now been 18 weeks since I was referred for a psychology assessment.

Shint0

Joey Jo-Jo Junior wrote: »

It has now been 18 weeks since I was referred for a psychology assessment.

Is that for a private assessment or within the HSE? Even for some types of private assessments that waiting time would not be unheard of depending on where you have been referred to.

failinis

Don't want to face the genetic doctor tomorrow morning.
Irrationally worried about dreams I have been having too.

Tell me how

failinis wrote:

Don't want to face the genetic doctor tomorrow morning. Irrationally worried about dreams I have been having too.

Good luck failinis. Hopefully it'll be Ok.

failinis

Tell me how wrote: »

failinis wrote:

Don't want to face the genetic doctor tomorrow morning. Irrationally worried about dreams I have been having too.

Good luck failinis. Hopefully it'll be Ok.

I wont learn anything new. They will likely say oh we need to see the dna results but its going to get my back up if now a 5th dr suggests the same illness. I should wise up and ignore this all.

BaaLamb

failinis wrote: »

Don't want to face the genetic doctor tomorrow morning.
Irrationally worried about dreams I have been having too.

Good luck. I hope that you might have some sort of progress today.

failinis

BaaLamb wrote: »

Good luck. I hope that you might have some sort of progress today.

Progress of sorts? The doctor was very nice, as a person, which is always a bonus?

Basically he said the other doctors I seen were neurologists so wanted to match my symptoms to their field - he said there is a chance it is some type of ataxia but not the most severe version.
But he said he agrees with the first geneticist I seen, who said I have a connective tissue disorder which is unknown. He said connective tissues can feck with your nerves, which in turn is balance in your legs/spine, so he said its likely the neurologists were confused as its a very rare thing to happen.

Bad news is that he thinks its an entirely new and undocumented mutation - he send some blood off for a general connective tissue panel but said he is 99% sure its going to be negative because I do not match fully to any known conditions.

He seemed very excited and got my consent to put me on a list for people for some genetic research project, apparently its full swing in England but only going to start next year in NI. So he said they can actually map every single gene so if I have a new condition then they can pin point it and try and see what will happen to me in the future.

He said to avoid having children until they know what the cause is because there can be bad complications for mothers with CT conditions.
Haha you are bloody safe for that Dr, I am gay and not planning on carrying a child even if I was in a relationship, the other person would have to

Sorry if this is sounding too medical rather than depression or anxiety - like this guy kinda really raised my hopes?

Its mixed, because he said yeah I have some illness but they don't even know what it is and how it will progress/complication but hopefully the ataxias come back negative.

BaaLamb

Well that does sound like some progress and I am glad you have some sort of answer even if it isn't entirely good news.However, it doesn't sound like entirely bad news either and at least you've excited the doctor with your possibly entirely new gene mutation :-) I'm very glad that you've found some hope, that is always a challenge with anxiety and depression.

Tell me how

failinis wrote:

Sorry if this is sounding too medical rather than depression or anxiety - like this guy kinda really raised my hopes?

I'm glad that your spirits are raised some bit failinis.
I've found at times that the smallest little positive experience can lead to a significant upswing wrt to D&A.

BaaLamb

Today has been all about anxiety and panic. Really not coping too well at the moment.